⚠️PHM SPOILERS
No one can convince me this isn’t why Rocky got their new little dome thing

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@katinacrisis
⚠️PHM SPOILERS
No one can convince me this isn’t why Rocky got their new little dome thing
I know we all agree that Ilya has to borrow Shane’s phone to play app games because his storage is full…
But I don’t think we discuss enough that the majority of his storage is taken up by the numerous of apps that control the various sex toys he’s bought for Shane.
Like he has fifteen separate apps that control fifteen separate vibrating butt plugs.
And no he’s not going to delete any of them. Not even the ones they haven’t used in months. You never know when it will come in handy…
Personally I do think that sometimes non-hockey fans can end up mischaracterizing Shane and Ilya because they don't know enough about hockey/hockey playstyles
The Ilya we see in Heated rivalry would not be throwing the first punch, he's not an enforcer. Ilya is a star center and a Pest. He wouldn't be doing his job correctly if he was punching players every other game, it would end up with not enough ice time to let him be the playmaker he's paid to be.
But being a pest can be playmaking! Find a player to bait, emotionally push them just enough that they try to fight you, and then get the fuck out of there before the ref gives you both penalties. This gets your team the power play. There is probably someone on Ilya's line dedicated to helping him get out of the fights he starts, and finishing them for him!
I also think this is also something that Shane would respect. Ilya is good at it and it's a good strategy for his team. I don't think Shane would see it as some dirty tactic, because Shane probably thinks everyone with a brain can see it for what it is! He probably thinks everyone should be able to see that being an asshole is a tactic for Ilya, that it's something to ignore and not fall for, that it's a strategy and not personal beef.
I think Shane's more disappointed when a Metro falls for it. Shane sees it as Ilya set up a Looney Toons ass obvious trap and one of his teammates ran into it. Why be mad at Bugs Bunny when you can be mad at your defenceman for falling for a fucking Bugs Bunny trap.
stratt and grace and the rest of the phm science team running on 4 cumulative hours of sleep at an unscheduled conference. dimitri and lokken are trying to explain a new complication in the hail mary's fueling system and the resources necessary to iron it out but they keep getting interrupted by government officials butting in until grace (who doesn't even look up from his laptop and checked out of the conversation two days ago) snaps "we raise our hands to speak"
complete silence for like 3 seconds. the french prime minister sheepishly raises his hand and stratt smiles for the first time that week (grace buries his entire head behind his laptop screen for wont of a better option, like jumping straight into the sea)
They wear suits, but they don't even know basic etiquette.
Based on @cowardsexual 's post of a very sleepy phm science team and Grace's teacher instincts
Just a silly thought I had
There exists a video somewhere of Shane Hollander standing in the parking garage of Censplex wearing a backwards snapback and althetic shorts with an inseam that is probably quite literally just listed as 'slut' on the tag as he stares down whoever is holding the camera. In his hands is a beautiful and perfectly spherical watermelon. In his eyes there is nothing.
"You want me to do what?" he asks.
"Crush it," says Harris, too loud and close to the camera.
"Like, with my hands?"
"The challenge is to do it with your thighs."
Shane, his face and his watermelon do not move.
"It's for charity."
Smash cut to Shane sitting on a parking block, face bright red as he reroutes every bit of strength in his entire body towards his thighs. He is utterly silent, straining, and he only makes a sound when the watermelon finally gives up and crumples under the onslaught.
The sound he makes is high, long and deeply inappropriate. It also echoes throughout the entire parking garage for what seems to be a preternaturally long time.
"What the fuck is--" Ilya, who heard that shit through an open window all the way in the team offices, careens out of the propped-open side door just in time to see his husband bite a hunk of watermelon from the dripping remnants. There is juice on his thighs.
"Hey," Shane says, and then squints at the camera, deadpan once again. "I nominate Ilya Rozanov for the watermelon crushing challenge. Or whatever."
Harris, luckily, has a second melon handy.
the meltdown ilya will have if he ever finds out shane used to call rose babe. he never calls ilya babe, and it doesn't matter if shane tells him that's just what guys call their gfs and he was just doing the same, ilya is gonna be so dramatic about this
landrygate ii - babegazi is gonna be two weeks of ilya going "idk why don't you ask your babe rose landry" "oh wouldn't you rather be kissing rose, she's such a babe" "look shane, that pretty girl smiled at you, you wanna go call her babe too?"
it's important to note that shane calls ilya baby often, and ilya would never want to be called anything else, but he's gonna ride this wave for as long as it gets him shane kissing his neck and saying he's the only one for him, calling him every sweet name he knows in english, french and russian. shane knows it's ilya playing, but if there's even a tiny grey cloud over ilya when he remembers those months, shane is gonna kiss it away again and again, as much as he needs
everyone has to be nice to him
with how much shane enjoys getting pinned down, i'm laughing about the idea of ilya who knows academically that he and shane are equally matched but who never really transfers that thought to the bedroom because he and shane playfight/wrestle as foreplay but shane enjoys "losing" these particular struggles and thus doesn't really ever use his full strength beyond the opening few seconds
which means the first time shane is riding him and is close to finishing and thus shoves him the FUCK back down when ilya is about to sit up and turn them hits ilya like a fucking FREIGHT TRAIN
man is getting held down with a hand to his chest with a force shane hasn't actually used in bed before and he is about to pass! out! from the force of the horny crashing over him
the idea of ilya edging and frustrating shane specifically to provoke him into slamming him down and holding him there to take what he wants
Assorted free-range headcanons about Hollanov at 45-55 years old:
Shane starts getting grays at 35, so by 45 he is a salt-and-pepper kING. It makes for a distinguished photograph on his memoir. He has a ghostwriter, obviously, how do you expect him to just sit and write all day? He writes the chapter about his and Ilya's rivalry though, only at the end of the chapter is he like "And we were married in the summer of 2021 with a honeymoon in Spain. He's the best person I know." after just a dry comparison of all their stats Pre-Centaurs.
One child. Boychild. Shane's genes and a Russian name. Conceived via surrogacy after Ilya retires first due to busted ass knee syndrome. Child enjoys hockey. Not great at it. Looooves playing the oboe in school band. Shane checks it out and AS IT TURNS OUT the oboe is a difficult, competitive instrument. They proceed with characteristic intensity, as if this was athletics. Son, you're gonna win at the oboe.
Ilya needs glasses. He just steals Shane's off his face and it's a whole ritual that ends in them kissing. Boychild is mortified every time they're trying to read a take-out menu.
Shane gets into hockey commentary/podcasting and is notoriously. Um. Not Nice. A lot of "What?? What did I say??" It's never personal though. Just about players' shitty game.
Ilya is Big. Chunky. He's glorious. Muscle that now has fat over it. Arms like tree trunks. Torso: round. 100% Naturalized Canadian Citizen Beef. Hair, everywhere. Shane must BITE to check it all out and make sure everything is in order.
Shane gets really into individual athletics- rock climbing, marathons before he also gets busted ass knee syndrome, biking, swimming, anything where it's like testing the limits of his body against himself. Ilya is like a "fifty push-ups every day keeps me in shape enough to fuck you right" kind of guy, but he joins in sometimes just to make Shane get furious with competition
New rookie/juniors player billeting every year once boychild goes to music conservatory so they build a whole separate wing for the youngsters so it doesn't interfere with empty-nest fucking
Once they hit 50 they do get up stupid early like old men do and have old man coffee shop time with David Hollander (professional boring old man) at their favorite diner. Shane really cherishes this time with his dad and makes it a point to do it as often as they can. Conversely, they build Yuna a mother in law house when David passes away (death comes for us all) and she becomes crazy hockey mom to all their rookies.
Add your ownnnnn
no.10’s face squishy
Neil: *picks up the phone*
Andrew, annoyed: Kevin threw out my chocolate
Neil: all of it?
Andrew: yes
Neil: and he’s still alive?
Andrew: he’s hiding at Matt’s
Neil: got it
Andrew: that’s it?
Neil: you want me to say more?
Andrew: yes.
Neil: okay...
Neil: shit happens
Neil: I’ll swing by and get you a new one
Andrew: *heavy sigh*
Andrew: how do I make him really suffer?
Neil, in German: his autograph from Jeremy and those newspaper clippings with him are hidden in the history books
[beeping tone from the phone]
Jean: so they finally noticed you’re gone?
Neil: that I went for a walk all the way to California?
Neil: not yet
Jean: what did you say about Jeremy?
Neil: nothing?? I didn’t even mention Jeremy
Neil: why is it always about him with you?
(x)
The existence of Fat Baby Shane implies the existence of Fat Baby Shanelings
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“Jesus Christ.” Ilya huffed as he seated Iris on his hip. “What the fuck are you feeding her?”
“Language,” Shane scolded as he tidied up the aftermath of Iris’ breakfast smattered across her highchair.
“She’s six months old. Or, maybe, 12 years. I cannot tell because of how huge she is.” Ilya was wiping at her face with a damp cloth while baby Iris squealed and fussed in his arms.
“I was a big baby too…” Shane mused as he finished his scrubbing and put one arm around Ilya, and gave the other to Iris to play with as she pleased. She wrapped a chunky hand around Shane’s pinky and shook it wildly.
“I know, but I thought it was because your parents wanted pro hockey star. Not because it was—“
“Genetic?” Shane cut him off with a knowing smile and leaned in to kiss his husband.
Ilya smirked back. “Yes.” Kiss. “Genetic.”
Shane: *pauses in the middle of his nightly routine and stares at himself intensely in the bathroom mirror, absolutely still for a minute while he scrutinizes his image like he's never seen it before* Oh. I'm really attractive, aren't I?
Ilya, brushing his teeth next to him: *nearly chokes on his toothpaste and slams his hand on the counter* WHO TOLD YOU?