Fates Entwined: Part II, Chapter 1: The Trickster God
A/N: So, let’s kick off the second part of this beast. The story so far and a short synopsis are over here.
This story really keeps going around and around in my head and well, we’re going dark in the second part.
Winter comes
Leaves fall on frozen grounds
True love lasts forever
I imagine you in a thousand glimpses
Moonlight you keep me safe at night
And I know you're here if I fall
[…]
Leaves' Eyes
Children grow up
Parents grow old
Man's wives become mothers to sons
Sunna hides
Mani glows
Stars are watching over us
(Leaves Eyes - Leaves Eyes)
I slowly saw the town of Bork appear across the fjord and I knew they had long since seen my small boat across the water. As the edges of the buildings became sharper and I started to make out single people at the harbour, I could see Ragnheiđur’s tall frame awaiting me at the jetty. As soon as my ship was tethered to it and I had got off, she threw her arms around me.
“It is so good to see you again, my friend!” she then said and held me at arms length to look at me. “How did it go? Did the men sail off alright?”
I gave a surprised laugh. “Yes, everything went off without a hitch. I believe the Gods favour their mission and they may return with great riches. Lagertha sends her greetings and she is happy to see how great of a help you have been. But what about you? Howcome you are here and not in Ripa?”
Her easy smile faded and gave way to a frown. Then she looked to the ground.
“There were some unforseen circumstances here in Bork. The council is taking care of matters in Ripa, but everything is well there.”
When she saw my face, she shook her head. “Don’t worry, everything is going well again. It is just… Birger’s leg started giving him pain, as he tried his best to be a good leader and example and strained it too much. It got infected and he did not tell anybody, until he one day sent a messenger to me. He did not want the other Earls to know, he was weak, but somehow he trusted me enough. And, here is what is really odd; do you remember the tincture, you gave me? It saved him. I don’t know how she knew, but we owe her his life.”
I sighed and shook my head. “And I’ve only been back for five minutes. Is he awake?”
“Yes, it’s been quite the week”, she laughed easily, “I only figured you would want to hear it from me, so I waited for you to get back.” She fell in step with me as I made my way through the town towards the chieftain’s house.
As I entered the house, I could see Birger sitting up in bed, nursing the stump that had once been his leg. I started to wonder if Ivar might come home severely injured, but pushed that thought away. He was on his chariot, far away from the actual battlefield. At least that was what I hoped, but knowing my hotspurr of a husband… it was maybe too much to hope for. I closed my eyes and felt for him, but all I could sense was the constant background thrumming of pain he had gotten so used to and the anger that propelled him forward. So, everything seemed in order, until…
“caught you” I heard him whisper. I took a surprised breath, which made him chuckle. “what are you doing here?” he asked. Not angry, just curious.
“just…looking.”
“I am awake, are you awake?” he asked.
“yes.”
“so, how does this work?”
I shrugged. “only the Gods would know.”
“are you safe?”
“I am, are you?”
“for now. It is a war, after all”
“right”
“right”
I took a deep breath, but he was gone. I felt drained, exhausted and when I looked up, I saw Birger staring at me.
“You did not have eyes that blue when you were last here…” he said and Ragnheiđur turned around to look at me. She startled and took a step back. But after a split second, she shook her head.
“It must be a reflection of the light.” She said, her voice quivering slightly and making it unconvincing.
I frowned. This was confusing. Birger had hastily started to cover up the remains of his leg, as Ragnheiđur drew closer. Then he smiled at her.
“You are back already. Did she tell you, how she saved my life?” He asked me, without looking at me.
I gave a nod. “She did. I hope you are better now.”
Now his eyes did dart to me, as I stood in the corner by the fire place to warm my hands.
“Yes. Yes, thanks to her swift aid. But I owe you a life debt now. And I am not quite sure, how to repay that.”
I turned to look at him for a long time, then shook my head. “No, you owe her a life debt. It is between the two of you to decide what to make of that. I merely gave her permission to look after you and your earldom.”
“I hear, you gave her the medicine she used as well.” He replied.
Again, I shook my head. “I was just the messenger. She was given that by a woman who probably had her reasons.”
Birger looked at me and gave a laugh. “If you say so, then we have to find a way to figure this out between the two of us.” He again smiled at Ragnheiđur. Then he looked back at me. “But maybe we could think about an alliance between our two cities.”
I tried to smile, but it became a grimace. “And here I thought we had already established that. Politics are a funny thing.”
Birger looked confused, but Ragnheiđur laughed. “She is just being difficult. Of course we will support you and hope that this same support will be extended from your people as well.” Her eyes lingered on the blond man for a moment, before she looked at me.
“When do you want to leave for Ripa?” she asked.
“If I could rest here tonight, I would want to put it off until tomorrow. It has been a long journey here.”
Birger smiled and nodded. “Of course, yes, be our guest and make yourself at home. The two of you are always welcome here.”
I looked at Ragnheiđur. “Even if I am leaving for Ripa in the morning, I do not wish to speak for you. Do you think you will be coming with me tomorrow, or do you believe that the situation here still needs your attention?”
The two of them exchanged looks and I had to smile. “After all, we want to make sure that Birger’s physical and mental well-being is looked after properly.”
Now I saw Ragnheiđur turn red. Saving someone’s life could be an intense experience. And if they were as handsome as the son of the Earl of Bork…
Birger wanted to open his mouth to say something, but I raised my hand and shook my head.
“I am not judging and I am not telling you what to do. Actually, I am quite happy that this turned out well, you are alive and we have this bond between our towns.”
Both of them relaxed and Ragnheiđur sat down on the bed beside Birger.
“I might stay behind a couple of days. But I will be there before the end of the week.”
I gave a nod and smiled. “Then let it be this way. You know, Ragnheiđur, the Hviding estate lies just on the borders of our two earldoms.”
She looked up to me with wide eyes. “You would…”
“I told you before that I would. But we have to wait for Birger’s father to come back to make a clear decision on that.”
I sat down across from them and sighed. “So, that has been enough official talk for one evening, hasn’t it?”
Birger gave a laugh and and a couple of minutes later, we were served a small dinner and started talking about Kattegat and its weird customs.
*
Ivar heard a commotion outside and rolled his eyes. What could be going on again? He gave a deep sigh, sat up in his bed and just as he wanted to heave his legs over the side of the bed, he saw a small boy standing at the end of his bed. The boy looked like him, with the slight exception that he had amber eyes instead of the same blue ones he had. Ivar frowned.
“How did you get in here?” he asked, his voice rough. He turned around to look for his shirt, only to hear a childish giggle and when he turned around, the boy was gone. He shook his head.How did a boy get into a military camp? Then he thought it was probably the dream he had had following him into the light of the day. He squeezed the bridge of his nose, closed his eyes, then gave a sigh.
It wasn’t that he was afraid of the battle ahead, no, he anticipated it with a grim glee, but he was kind of nervous. With their father and their mother gone, Björn not even being his full brother, he had started to think about the future. What bond did they have after they avenged their father’s death? Why would his brothers be willing to follow him further into battle? Because he had plans beyond their meager ambitions. They had already assembled an army in the heartland of the enemy so why not make use of that? But none of the others was able to see what he saw. The only one who had probably known of his ambition was his wife, far away, probably already back in her little merchant town.
He remembered the day, he had first laid eyes upon her and her wild spirit. Even through the exhaustion and grime, he had been able to see it. He had seen her fight with a determination that rivalled his on and he had known that she was for him. The Gods had made her for him. He was still sure of that, in spite of everything that had happened. Maybe even more so now than before.
But then again, she was his equal. Should she ever decide to go up against him, he knew it would be war. And he knew that Lagertha had made it a point to ensure her support and loyalty. To this day, his oversight of that made him angrier than anything else. The one thing he had failed to see and then the spider found a way in to weave her net. Clenching his teeth, he looked into the air and shot the world a dirty look. He would be fighting tooth and nail for everything that belonged to him, even if it meant fighting dirty. But first, they had to avenge his father.
*
It took a few days for me to get used to living in my quiet home town again, but when Ragnheiđur returned from Bork, life started to go its old and quiet ways. One evening as I was sitting by the fire, I felt like something heavy had been lifted from my chest an relief washed over me. I looked around to pinpoint the feeling, but then again, I almost immediately knew, what it was.
“so you won the battle”
“so your friend found a suitor.”
“you captured Aelle”
“he’s a cripple as well.”
“you will kill him tomorrow?”
“at the site of father’s murder, yes.”
“good.”
“does that make you feel better? That he is a cripple too?”
“no, I am happy that he is a good man.”
“am I a good man?”
“when you choose to be”
There was silence for a while. Then:
“it might take a while for me to become a good man.”
“I know.”
We both stayed there in silence for a moment, before the connection fizzled out and the door to my house opened. Ragnheiđur came in quietly, sat down at the fire and looked at me.
“Are you still thinking about when would be the best time to go see the völva?”, she asked, but it didn’t sound like a question. “With your eyes as blue as his, I can tell you, sooner would be better than later. He visited again, didn’t he?”
I sighed. “Do you know me that well by now?”
Ragnheiđur made a face. “Well, it’s easy to see. Y/N, you can leave your people in my hands for the time you will be away. You know I will take care of them. And most of the harvest has been secured and we are ready for the winter.”
“I know, I know. There’s just… I don’t know. Something feels off.” I shook my head as I stared into the fire.
Ragnheiđur’s eyes followed my restless fingers and she shook her head. “I believe you might be putting it off, because you like having these glimpses into Ivar’s fate.”
I looked back at her. “Can you blame me?”
She shook her head and raised her hands soothingly. “No, it is just, maybe you will know even better how to tune in into his life when you know how the bond works?”
I swallowed. “Yeah, I will… let’s see, maybe tomorrow is the day.”
A knock on the door startled the both of us. We looked at each other, then to the door. Ragnheiđur got up, as the door opened and we saw a hunched figure in front of it. I got to my feet and recognised Yrsa, whom I beckoned inside almost instantly.
She stared at me with tired eyes.
“What have you done?” she asked me in a grave voice.
I looked at her confused. “I…I don’t know what you are talking about.” I answered truthfully. She took in my face, then her eyes wandered to my belly.
“No, you wouldn’t know yet. But he is already starting to make his presence known.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked her exhasperatedly and Ragnheiđur rose from her chair, hand at the hilt of her sword.
“Your son!”
I stared at her in disbelief. “My what? I don’t…no!”
But Yrsa shook her head. “He is here and he is loud and even your husband has already seen him. We need to stop this. You need to get this under control. Ivar the Boneless cannot know that he has a son. Not before it is time.”
“And how do we know the time has come?” I asked her. I didn’t know where to even start to protest or accept or question.
“The Gods will let you know. But now is not the time. There are things your husband has to do first.”
“I didn’t even know I was with child.”
She looked at me, eyes gentle again. “I know. Even though I don’t know how you did this. The two of you. Against the Gods.”
“Against the…?”
“Yes, he is not boneless without reason. This was not supposed to happen.Not like this. Not now.”
Ragnheiđur’s eyes narrowed and scanned the völva. “And what makes you such an expert on the topic? Last time we asked, you couldn’t tell us much.” She asked protectively.
Yrsa looked from me to her and back. Then to the table.
“Could I sit down first? It was a long journey from the swamps to the town.”
We exchanged looks and I stepped aside to let the old woman through to the table. Gratefully, she accepted the invite and ungracefully plunked down on one of the benches by the table.
“Ever since Y/N left me, I have been trying to bring some sense to this mess. I tried talking to the Gods and invoked visions, but it took me a while. The Gods did not wish to reveal their ways to me. Until roughly two weeks ago, when…your son was conceived.” She looked at me again, trying to see signs of the pregnancy, but after two weeks, there was nothing to be seen or felt or sensed.
“We don’t know what happened either. Neither of us was able to explain it afterwards, it just happened. Ivar got mad for one reason or another and I got angry at him and next thing we knew…”
She looked at me with eyes wide awake with wonder. “Of course. Loki. He is the one who started this mess. He thought it funny to interfere with the God’s plans. Loki has been having an eye on you, ever since you lost your family. For some reason, the trickster took a liking to you and started upsetting the plans the Gods had for you. Had for your husband. He created your bond. He whispered into Aslaug’s ear to safe her son and link your lives. You were supposed to die when you last came to Ripa. Your death would have thrown Ivar into a blind rage, having lost everything he held dear. But with the bond created, the Gods were unable to kill you after your wedding, because they would have had to put down their feral wolf that is supposed to conquer York.”
“What does that mean for me?” I asked with a small voice.
“All bets are off. Your life, your unborn son, it all defies the Gods’ will and you only have Loki on your side. Freya might also hold her hands over you, because the wedding made you one of us, but that bond is fragile and we need to strengthen it. But to regain the favour of the other Gods, we need to make sure Ivar fulfills his destiny. You have to feed his anger and nourish his rage. He cannot know of his son, before his journey has come to its end.”
Ragnheiđur looked at her. “But Loki does not safe people like us, Loki does not care for mere mortals.”
“Yes, but Loki recognised her stubborn heart as his own. And he felt like a heart as strong-willed as this deserved another chance.” Yrsa looked at me almost proudly.
My friend still eyed the völva with a certain scepticism. Then she looked at me. “How can you stay so calm? How can you not question what she is telling you?”
I looked out the window. “So, this is why Ivar and I share a life? We are sharing... Ivar’s life?”
Yrsa gave a nod. “Which is why the bond has been growing so much stronger when you were struck by that arrow at the battle for Ripa. That arrow was supposed to kill you. That arrow made you share Ivar’s life.”
I started to pace around the room. The only thing that kept the Gods from killing me was my husbands life and fate. I had to… I…What did I have to do?
“Why are you here, Yrsa?”
“To teach you how to communicate with the spirit world. How to hide your mind from Ivar. And how to keep him from knowing that he has a son.”
I looked at Ragnheiđur. “You and Birger like each other, don’t you?”
She turned red, but a smile broke through the distress painted on her face. “Yes.”
“Have you…did you…I can’t possibly…” I stuttered.
Yrsa smiled. “You have to.”
“Have you considered marrying him?” I asked directly.
Ragnheiđur did not seem surprised by the question. “The question has come up.”
“And…should you two get married, would you consider hiding my son by passing him off as your own?”
Ragnheiđur smiled gently. “He would have the best childhood I could offer him.”
I looked at Yrsa. “So what do we do now?”
“We go to sleep. It has been a long day and even longer ones lie ahead. There is a lot you need to learn.”
I thought of Floki. “Hugsi is a good name.” I whispered. And not for the first time, I found myself questioning just how much the simple boat builder had to do with the Trickster God.
A/N / Random Addendum:
Just in case anybody might be interested in it, whenever I imagine Birger, I imagine him looking a lot like Daniel Sharman (latest role the Weeping Monk in Cursed). So, well, I am very fond and protective of him. That’s just a tiny, slightly embarrassing detail about me. :D
Also, there will be more Ivar in the next installments, I just had to set this up, so his and her actions make sense.
Once again, thanks to the people who asked to be tagged: @youbloodymadgenius @xnnskwjeheb2j @blonddnamedhandz
The story so far and a short synopsis are over here.
A/N: So, this is it. The last chapter of the first part of this story. The last chapter of Ivar’s life as just a son of Ragnar, if we’re being honest. This is where he starts growing into his legacy or destiny or whatever you want to call it. I’m also looking forward to writing with the new, better and badder (yes, I know, worse) Ivar, I got a lot of mischief planned, but well, here are your and Ivar’s last hours in the world as you know it. :)
Once again, thanks to the people who asked to be tagged: @youbloodymadgenius @xnnskwjeheb2j @blonddnamedhandz
Look above into the misty air
I hear the waves reminding me of fear
I'm not alone but still I am confused
Will you return and will your dreams come true?
[…]
Farewell proud men
Spirits will guide you
May they save you
Farewell proud men
Frightening ocean sacred as the wind
I beg you please be careful with these men
At night I dream of wonders and of change
Will I receive a message from you then?
(Leaves’ Eyes – Farewell Proud Men)
I woke up to the uncanny feeling that someone was watching me, and when I opened my eyes, they met Ivar’s right away. He was studying my face with a weird expression on his.
“You look different, somehow.” He cocked his head and stroked my cheek.
I groaned. “That is because I am not a morning person.”
It made him chuckle. “Tonight we will hold the sacrifice and we will leave shortly after the Gods have blessed our voyage.” He said with a voice still a little hoarse from sleep. It reminded me so much of these first days we spent together after our wedding, when we laid in bed and talked for hours on end. It made it hard to breathe and tugged on my heart. I was missing Ivar, even though he was lying right next to me, which made no sense, but then again all the sense in the world, because I was starting to notice changes in his behaviour. I had been right, when I had told Ubbe and Sigurd that he would come back changed, no longer the Ivar we had known. I swallowed and had to blink away a few tears.
He still noticed them and shook his head, grinning. “I take it that you are going to miss me?”
I slapped his upper arm. “Of course I am going to miss you. You are a nuisance, but still.”
He acted outraged, but then kissed the top of my head. “I will miss you too, my beautiful wife. But there is one little thing you have to promise me, before I leave.”
I raised my eyebrows questioningly and Ivar went on: “You don’t tell anybody about last night!” he suddenly hissed. “Not a word to a single soul, you understand?”
His hand that had been resting on my shoulder suddenly gripped me harder, his mood shifting faster than the tide.
“Why would I tell anybody?”
“I don’t care why you would do it, I only tell you not to do it.” His eyes were a piercing shade of blue and ice cold.
I gave a nod. “I will not tell anyone, Ivar. I have no reason to tell anybody.”
He gave me a grim smile. “Good. I have to take care of a few last things before we leave, but I am sure, you will find something to keep you occupied.”
I shrugged. “I have a few things to take care of myself. I am almost as important as you, you know?” I laughed. When I met his eyes, I realised that it was no laughing matter to him.
“Yeah, you do your things, I do mine. I guess I will see you at the sacrifice tonight.” He mumbled, before he left the bed and got dressed in silence, only to leave me alone on the bed.
I sighed deeply, staring at the ceiling and listening to the chirping birds that nested in the thatched roof. Then, with a jolt, I found myself on a battlefield in a place I did not know. I looked around, then recognised the scene. I had seen this play out on our wedding day. Ivar was leaning at the side of his chariot, which I now recognised, other than back then. He was drenched in blood and in a blood-thirsty frenzy, shouting half-mad at the Saxons. I told myself that I could not see my husband in all of that, but maybe I could just a little too well to admit to myself.
The scene changed, the scenery with it. We were back in Kattegat and Ivar was burning Lagertha – Lagertha? – at the stake. A petite blonde woman stood by his side. I stared at the two of them, unable to process what I was seeing. I almost started screaming at them, but instead I sat up in our bed, gasping for air and dry heaving. I was quick enough to make it out of the house and into a corner of the garden before I puked into the shrubbery.
A smirking Sigurd, woken up by the ruckus I had caused, stood by the door, watching me puke my guts out.
“Funny, here I thought that you hadn’t even been at the wedding long enough to be that much worse for the wear.”
“Oh, shut up, Sigurd…” I managed, before the heaving started up again.
He shrugged. “Or…could it be…are you with child?” he added in a mock tone.
I glared at him. “Sigurd, I can not be with child, because…”
“Because my brother is Ivar the Boneless, I know.” Sigurd ended the sentence for me.
“…because I have not even been back here long enough to be this pregnant, you fool.”
Sigurd smirked like he knew more than me. I hated his guts. I really did. “Oh, come on, we both know that little Ivar has more trouble than that.”
I glared at him furiously. “I will not talk to you about our marriage!” I shouted back at him. I did not even know if Ivar wanted me to talk about the few successes in the bedroom.
Sigurd shrugged. I knew, he saw that as confirmation for his claim, but I really did not want to tell him about that one time. But pride won. “He can get it up, you know?”
He just waved away my words. “Don’t lie for my brother’s sake. But if it helps you; I would not stay sober if I were married to Ivar either.”
I was already clenching my fist and Sigurd was lucky that I was still too sick to just jump and fight him.
But he was already turning away. “Be careful, little Y/N, be ready to run for the hills when the real Ivar comes out.”
I frowned at Sigurd’s back. “What does that mean?”
He turned around again, shrugged. “I’ve seen him grow up. All Ivar cares about is Ivar. Other people to him are just a means to further his own ends. He was raised that way by our mother. And he will not change for something like love. If he could guarantee a win by sacrificing you? He’d do it in a heartbeat. He might shed some false tears, but that would not stop him. Believe me, Y/N, I’ve known him all his life, but all he has learned in those years, is to get better at acting like he cares.”
Sigurd looked at me with a small but sad smile. “For what it is worth, I like you, and in another world, I would have wished for you to make my brother happy. I don’t want to see you hurt.”
He was sincere, I could tell that much, I just didn’t know if he might be right. He was about to leave and once again, I spoke to his back:
“Sigurd, heed your own warning. Don’t anger Ivar.” I remembered the death of the fair-haired man way too well.
He laughed it off. “Ivar cannot kill me, I am his brother. The others would have his head, before my eyes even close and he knows that.”
I swallowed when he walked away. The problem with knowing things was that once he was angered, Ivar rarely thought straight enough to remember them.
At last, the heaving had subsided and I went back into the house. That was the second time within two days that I had had a vision of some sorts and I did not know if it was Ivar’s proximity that triggered them or if I just started becoming more susceptible to them with time. I thought about visiting the seer, but he had asked me not to seek him out anymore the last time I was there, so I did not.
*
I hadn’t known that we would have a human sacrifice, though in hindsight, I should have assumed as much, knowing how much was at stake with the raid ahead. As I stood with the forces of Jutland and we saw Earl Jorgensen being led towards Lagertha, I turned to see Earl Magnusson, but his eyes were glued to the young man whose death would ensure our men’s victory or at least the favour of our Gods. My eyes searched for Ivar in the crowd and found him near Torvi of all people. His eyes were wide with excitement and he looked like he did not want to miss a minute of what was going on. I remembered the scenes I had seen this morning and a shiver ran down my spine. I forced myself to watch the ritual instead of my husband’s eager face and prayed for Ivar’s protection. I prayed that no harm would befall him on their journey and that he would return to me safely. I was startled when Lagertha actually drove the sword into Earl Jorgensen’s chest, took a deep breath and closed my eyes. As I opened them, I saw the look of utter fascination on Ivar’s face at the blood that started pouring from the young Earl’s wound. I remembered somebody telling me that he was like a dog who had tasted blood for the first time and even though I had shrugged it off at the time, I thought how it looked so literal in this moment. Somebody gasping and pointing at the sky interrupted my thoughts. A comet, fiery and bright made its way across the dark night sky. We were fated. I could not stop what was coming. The Gods had a plan for us and they had made Ivar one of their chess pieces. And all I could do was watch on as they took my husband from me, as he went willingly after the promise of fame and wealth and power. I didn’t know if I felt angry or like crying, but I had to keep up my façade a little longer. First, I had to say my farewells and goodbyes to my men, wish them wealth or Valhalla, only then could I go home to find my husband sitting on our bed, in a surprisingly chipper mood.
“Did you see, Y/N? The Gods blessed us once again. I do not doubt for a moment that we will be victorious.” His eyes were so bright, his smile so genuine, that I wished I could remember him like this. It made me happy and sad at the same time.
I gave a nod. “Even if you win the battle, make sure you don’t lose yourself in it.” I was too tired to think my words over.
He huffed at me. “I would have expected a little more enthusiasm from you. I am going on this journey to find out who I really am, so I don’t know what you are even talking about.” His lips were pressed in a tight line and I knew he was willing to fight me on this, too.
I sat down beside him and sighed. “Ivar, I don’t want to fight anymore. There are so many things between us right now and you are leaving tomorrow. Can we just be here in peace for a moment?”
He looked at me, his eyes carrying the same pain mine probably did. “And whose fault is that? If you had never left for Ripa…”
“If you had never left with yor father…” I interrupted him impatiently, then took a deep breath. “We both made mistakes. But we cannot change the past. We cannot yet do anything about the future. But we can decide what we do right now.”
Ivar gave a short, humourless laugh. “And what would that be? It’s not like I can…” Then he looked down to the ground.
“Ivar, it is not about that. Just…be here with me, alright?” I asked him.
He looked at me and swallowed hard. He wasn’t as cold as he acted, but he rarely let it show. His eyes turned soft and warm, his mouth formed a small smile and he kissed my temple. “Alright.”
And there we were; my broken heart and husband, our cracked marriage and a fragile truce in what felt like our last night on earth.
*
It went quicker than I would have thought. One moment, I was watching on as Ivar packed up his things and they heaved them and his chariot into one of the longboats, the next, I was saying goodbye to my husband. He sat on a railing at the harbour, to be at the same eye-level as all the other men around, and looked anywhere but at me and I started searching his face for traces of feelings. I found them, etched into the worried creases around his eyes and on his forehead. In the way the muscles of his jaw were working as he looked for something to say. I lightly touched his face and forced him to look at me and he swallowed.
“Why do I have the feeling that this is the last time I will see you?” he whispered, his eyes angrily beating away at the tears he did not want to let fall.
I kissed him lightly and his lips followed mine for a moment. I felt him exhale a breath he had been holding.
“Because the two people we are now will never see each other again. War will change you, life will change me. But we will meet again. The Gods will not keep us apart, not even should we wish for it.”
He looked over my shoulder. “I have to leave. I cannot let the army see me in a weak state.”
I gave a laugh. “My husband, you are everything, but you have never been weak.”
He inclined his head and smiled at me. “You know that, I know that, but let the world underestimate me. Let them pay for it. But they don’t need to know that there is someone I care for left in these lands.”
“I am perfectly capable of defending myself.” I protested.
He cackled. “I know, it is one of the reasons why I…” he looked down suddenly, couldn’t bring himself to say the words. “Be safe, my Sif.” He said instead, let himself drop to the wooden ground and crawled away from me. I wanted to run after him and ask him, what he had meant to said, tell him to be safe, but I knew it would not help. Instead I turned around and ran straight into Hvitserk and Ubbe, who hugged me goodbye and then went on their way. Björn gave me an acknowledging nod as he went by me. I fell to the back of the crowd and then stood and watched from the shadows of one of the warehouses as men and women gave their farewells, when I heard someone clearing his throat right behind me. I jumped in surprise and turned to find Floki standing there. He giggled and gave me a hug.
“Couldn’t leave you and not tell you goodbye. Almost didn’t see you here.” He said and smiled at me.
I laughed at that and smiled at him. “I am beyond relieved knowing you to be with Ivar. Take good care of him.”
Floki scratched the back of his head. “Your trust honors me. But you take good care of you, too.”
He hugged me again and then went off. Just before he was out of sight, he turned around. “Hugsi is a good name.”
“What?”
Floki just smiled at me and shrugged. “Just a random thought.” And with that he was swallowed by the crowd.
*
I was one of the last people looking at the small dots on the horizon that were the ship of our Great Heathen army. My things were packed, a small boat had been left for me to sail back to Ripa with, but there was still one thing to do. I heard the crunching of sand beneath somebody’s feet beside me and knew who it was right away.
“Queen Lagertha.” I acknowledged her presence.
“I take it, you will be sailing back to Ripa now that your husband is gone?” she asked.
“That depends. I have something I wanted to tell you for a few days now. I fear there might be an ambush on Kattegat while the men are away. If you need me, I could stay here.”
She laughed at that. “There is no telling what you will do, is there? First your husband believes you will be staying here and wait for him, but you leave for Ripa. Now he thinks you will leave and you want to stay here.”
I sighed. “I would not stay for myself. I would stay to settle my debt.” I turned to her and saw her piercing blue eyes on my face. Her smile was not entirely cold, but enough so that I knew that she had thought so.
“Not this time. I have been fortifying Kattegat just for that reason. I knew that its riches would attract envy and jealousy. So I will not be needing you.”
“It will be after the first snow fell.” I said, accepting her decision, but telling her what I knew. “They will also try to take the city from within. So, be wary of suspicious merchants. Be prepared.”
Lagertha smiled, warmer this time. “Thank you for your concern, Y/N. Do tell Ragnheiđur my greetings, she can stay with you as long as she wishes. I know the two of you are able to lead each other to greatness.” She squeezed my shoulder and then turned to go.
“Lagertha!” I called. “Thank you. For everything.”
She inclined her head and left, leaving me staring at an empty horizon and with nothing left but telling Margarete goodbye and sailing home. I took a look around the now empty harbour. Kattegat. I would miss the city in the fjord, but I was also looking forward to softer shores and calmer times.
*
Ivar had fallen into a restless sleep, tossing and turning, but then, as the waves beneath the longboat started to calm down, so did he.
He was sailing along a river, through blooming meadows and lush marshes. He had never seen these lands before, but had to admit they were beautiful. Then around a bend, a city appeared, houses strewn through the landscape, and a wide jetty with a bustling market. His eyes were looking through the people going about their business and he took hold of the mast to hoist himself up. It started to get harder, the older he got, he noticed not for the first time.
Then he saw her, standing on the wooden landing, looking across the river. His rightful queen. She looked older now, wiser, but also more worn out than when he had seen her last. As his boat had reached the landing, she crossed over to meet him, and there was something else, but as much as he tried to see it, it slipped his eyes. He squinted, but to no avail. So he focussed on her face, the lines that ran deeper now, the way she still regarded his face with the same softness in her eyes, in spite of everything they had gone through. Maybe even because of it.
One of his men helped him out of the boat and another extended his crutch to him, so he could stand. Then they made off quickly, because they had heard the stories of Ivar and his first wife, better not to get in between the two of them.
She smiled lopsidedly and shook her head, something that seemed eerily familiar to him, because he himself used to do it all the time. Then she extended her hand and traced a scar on his cheekbone. “I still resent you for getting us this one.”
Ivar chuckled. “My queen, it is good to see you again.”
She bowed her head. “My king, welcome to Ripa and the Kingdom of Jutland.”
Ivar awoke with a start, panting in the cold night on the ship.
Hvitserk, sitting watch, looked at him. “Ivar, are you alright?”
Ivar shook his head in confusion. “I don’t know, Hvitserk. I don’t know.”
“Go back to sleep, Ivar. It was just a dream. Morning will be here soon enough.” Hvitserk said, dismissing his brother’s concern.
“I can’t.” Ivar whispered. There were too many ghosts between now and his dream.
Seasons change
Spirits wake up
Birds fly away to faraway homes
True love lasts forever
I imagine you in a thousand glimpses
The story so far and a short synopsis are over here.
A/N: Fun fact, the Head Meadow at Ribe is in fact believed to be called “head meadow”, “Hovedengen”, because the Vikings used to display the heads of pirates and criminals on stakes in said field as a warning to others. Depending on who you ask, people will tell you they *might* have done that or they *definitely* did it.
Fair warning, there is a slight dub-con scene in this chapter, also, sex, but nothing shocking really if you have watched the show. But if something like that bothers you, then this might not be for you. Also, this one became kinda long, you might wanna bring snacks ;)
Lastly, thanks to the people who asked to be tagged: @youbloodymadgenius @xnnskwjeheb2j @blonddnamedhandz it’s appreciated and I hope you’re not already regretting being tagged in here.
You love to bring me down
But I'll stay to hear you out
Some might say that I'm the fallen one
Free me now
Crawl out of my soul
Bring it on
Tear me down
May the world go round and round
At the end of desire
Your world falls down and dies
(Entwine – Break Me)
It was a short ride to the marshes beyond the Head Meadow, where the remains of my uncle’s head and the heads of the other traitors could still be seen. But once I had reached the edge of the marshes, I had to leave my horse behind and go on by foot, too treacherous were the paths through here and more than once did we lose a good horse to the bogs. I had felt around my head for Ivar, but he wasn’t there, so he was probably awake planning things somewhere in Kattegat. I set my foot on the sandy path that led me past small bogs and ponds, until I saw the first signs of the völva’s homestead. There was a large wooden frame that held the hide of a horse, a few feet further down the road a ram on a similar wooden construct. Then I saw the small hut, which – to be honest – reminded me a bit of Floki’s home. Yrsa was sitting in front of it, sifting through herbs she was preparing to dry. Her head shot up, when I moved closer, the sharp green eyes in her ageless, yet old face scanning me and trying to see through me. Even from where I was, a couple hundred meters away, I could see the shock in her features. This was nothing she had ever expected to see walking across her doorstep.
Still, when I reached her, she silently motioned to a rickety stool across from her and made me sit. I stared at her; she was still the same weird old lady, I remembered, but how could that be? It had been at least ten winters since I had last seen her, but she hadn’t changed a bit. Her long white hair fell onto her shoulders, which were warmed by the pelt of a white wolf. Beneath that the same dark brown clothes she had worn a decade ago.
She shook her head. “Those are similar clothes, my child, not the same. But that is not why the two of you are here today, is it?”
Confused for a moment, I looked around, but couldn’t see anyone except for me and her. She sighed, slightly exasperated. Then I caught on. She was talking about me and Ivar. I almost groaned about my own stupidity, which made her chuckle.
“So, you are not stupid, only nervous, but why is that?” she asked me, her eyes studying my face with unveiled interest.
“I… I always thought you to be scary, to be quite honest. And I don’t even know where to start, what to ask you, what to tell you…” I started rambling.
She chuckled. Again. “My child, I understand that we and our way of life might seem scary, but all we want to do, is help the living. Help folks like you, caught in between issues of the divine. And when it comes to what to tell me, you can tell me everything. Or nothing at all. Most of it I already know just by looking at you and feeling your…cracked aura. So, the easiest way to start this is to tell me what it is you want to know.”
I looked at the earth to her feet and felt incredibly vulnerable and helpless for the first time. For the first time, I realised how deep this thing went and how little Ivar and I knew.
“What… what is happening to us? What has been done to us? Why?” I had to hold back tears. Speaking those three questions made it real. Something we had no power or influence over had been done to us, and it did something to us, and we didn’t even know why Aslaug had done it.
Yrsa smiled calmly. “She didn’t know any better. She was afraid of things she had seen and she wanted to save her little son. That is why she did it. But why the things which happened and are happening to you are going on, that is written on another page. She invoked magic, she had no experience working and the Gods grasped at their chance, because the seeds she sow fell into readily plowed and fertile earth. You and Ivar have been favoured by the Gods since you have come into this world, they had plans for you, so calling upon them to bind you into an unbreakable union was like unleashing a beast.”
My eyes found hers. “So, what exactly did she do?”
Yrsa took my hand into hers and her long and bony fingers followed the veins on the back of my hand up my forearm into the crook of my elbow. There she pressed on the most prominent vein, then pricked it with a long thorn from one of the spindly rose twigs that lay to her side. A thick droplet of blood came from the little wound and she dipped her middle finger in it, then spread the blood over the whole tip of her finger with her thumb. I looked at it, fascinated by the deep red of my own blood.
She raised her eyebrows and looked at me, then shook her head. “This is not your blood. Not yours alone. Not anymore.”
I frowned. I meant to show her the wound on my shoulder, but she raised her hand and motioned me to stop. “I know. I know all about that. I know more about you than I want to. More than I am allowed to share. But I can tell you a few things. Do you know what blood was used in the blót ritual during your wedding? Which God was supposed to watch over your marriage?”
“I was told we were going to sacrifice a goat’s blood, so Thor, I guess?” Margarete had told me about the goat that had been bled dry, so they would have enough blood for the ritual.
“A lie. Your marriage was consecrated to Freya with the blood of a sow being sacrificed. Aslaug had the blood swapped out. She wanted to make sure you would have children, I suppose. What she didn’t know or didn’t care enough about, was the fact that the blood that runs through you is that of a magical woman. Like Aslaug, your mother was a seer, and we völvas and seers are under Freya’s protection. What this did to you, was amplify the powers that lay dormant within you in one single moment, making you something more than a seer but less than a völva the moment the blood touched you. And weddings to magical women, they are tricky. Are you familiar with the stories of Hávamál?“
I tried to remember the things my mother had taught me, but the name did not sound familiar.
“It is said within its verses that you risk getting trapped in a magical bond. Which is exactly what happened to the two of you. This magical bond is only hinted at in the Hávamál, but either the two partners are suitable, which means they will be bound together and share one life for the rest of their life and in the afterlife, or they are not, which means that the husband will die a slow, drawn out and painful death. You can probably already tell, what happened in your case.”
I blinked a few times. “So Aslaug made me…”
Yrsa smiled an unsettling smile: “Yes, she made you one of us.”
“And then she bound me and Ivar together for life.”
“No, you will not be able to escape each other in the afterlife, either. He dies, you die. You die, he dies. Where ever one goes, the other will follow and nobody will be able to keep you apart.”
I swallowed hard. Sat in silence for a moment. Looked out over the marshes around us. This was all too much too fast.
“And is there any possibility to break this bond?” I did not exactly want to end things with Ivar, I just wanted to know if it was even possible to not get a flesh wound everytime he decided to ride into battle.
“For that, you would have to wage war on Asgaard and defeat the Gods, I fear.”
“Huh”, I pondered for a moment. “And this connection we have? Why do we keep seeing what is happening in the other’s life?”
She shrugged. “That’s part of your unique bond. But mostly it is things that move you on an emotional level, the two of you will see. And I believe with some practice of your abilities, you could gain more control over it, maybe even guide and control the thoughts you let him have a part in. The things you see and access.”
I took a deep breath. “My abilities? And what exactly are those?”
And this was, where Yrsa smiled broadly. “So many questions… I have given you a lot of answers today and I believe you have heard a lot your mind needs some time to work on. This is also the one question I am unable to give you a straight answer to, because the truth is, nobody knows until you start practicing those. So, if you want to know and explore the answer to this question, you know where to find me. For today, it has been quite enough for your pretty little head.” She got up and went into her hut, and I was wondering if I should just leave, when she came back and gave me a small vial with a greenish-yellow liquid.
“If you wouldn’t mind, you might want to give that to your friend from Hedeby. It helps with physical trauma. She might need that sometime soon.” I got up, slightly confused, then went to pay Yrsa for her services, but she held up her hands.
“It would be enough if you came here and worked with me when the dust has settled. See your husband off to fight the Saxons, afterwards we will meet again.” And with that she turned around, making it clear that now, now she wanted me to leave.
*
Ivar knew everything she had told me by the next morning and seemed taken aback by some of the information. He had not thought that his mother had done something that went so deep without telling him. Then again, he knew that she had wanted to save him by all means and the völva had told me that Aslaug hadn’t known herself how deep the consequences would run.
I, on the other hand, had hesitated to tell Ragnheiđur what I had come to find out. After I came back from the marshes, I found her waiting for me at the market. She jumped up as soon as she saw me riding across the bridge into the city, greeting me with an easy smile, as always. She took the reigns of my horse as I jumped off, then cocked her head.
“Did she tell you what is going on?” she then prompted.
I shrugged. “Yes. And no. I am supposed to come back when we are done with…” I waved my hands around in the general direction of all the busy goings-on around us: “With all of this. But she gave me something for you…” I felt around in my pockets for the vial and as I found it, I handed it to Ragnheiđur.
She looked at it, puzzled. “What is it?”
I frowned. “She told my, you might need it. It is for treating physical trauma.”
Ragnheiđur looked all the more confused. “But why? Am I going to get injured or hurt?”
I shrugged again. “I don’t know, all she told me, was to give it to you and well… I did. I thought maybe you knew.”
Ragnheiđur shook her head. “No, but she might know more than me, so I’ll take it. Who knows what it might be good for.” She grinned again. “Are you ready to see your husband again?”
I sighed. “Yes”, I smiled, “I am actually looking forward to seeing him again. He might not share the sentiment, though. But I never know with Ivar. I guess, Ivar never knows with himself, he is so unpredictable.”
Ragnheiđur gave a small nod, as we started toward my estate. “Just take all the time you need. I will keep everything in order over here with Ole and the council by my side.”
I looked at her profile as she led my horse and looked straight ahead. “I still don’t know how I earned that level of support from you. What do you want for your life? Why are you here?”
She looked to the ground. “I don’t know”, then she looked straight at me, “But something in me tells me that this is the right place for me to be. For now.” She smiled.
I shook my head. “You know, I would give you your own estate if you decided to stay here.”
She gave a laugh. “I might just take you up on that offer if life leads me that way. You know I love the old Hviding estate.”
“Noted.” I smiled, half hoping she would decide to stay.
The next morning, we were on our way to Bork by boat. We did have some longboats, but as Earl Magnusson had promised to take some of the warriors on his boats, some of us also travelled aboard smaller trading ships, which also meant that we took some trading goods to Bork, maybe not to repay Magnusson for the ships, but to show good intent and work toward good neighbourly relations. I really disliked politics.
We were given a warm welcome and were able to see the forces Jutland had sent to Bork first hand. It was a proud sight, an army by itself, but only part of the greatest army our countries would ever gather. Ragnheiđur and I were still looking upon the camp all around the towns walls, when Earl Magnusson appeared behind us.
He seemed chipper enough for someone who had just had to pry his look away from my lands, lands he had wanted to incorporate into his own. But then again, if the stories were true, he and his two younger sons would leave for Northumbria and probably hoped to gain wealth over there.
“I hope you found your way to my humble lands well, Earl of Ripa?” he asked more than just politely.
I smiled back at him. “Very well, thank you very much. It was an easy enough trip with the boats. Your lands are beautiful with the fjord and the sweeping meadows. And your fleet of ships, it is impressive.”
He patted my back. “You sound just like your father. He had a knack for boats, but you knew that.”
I bowed my head and smiled to myself. My father had always been fascinated with boats and their building, that much was true.
“He was a good friend of mine, and I hope we can continue that tradition.”
I wasn’t sure how forceful I could react, but I decided to mark my territory clearly. “As long as you stay on your remarkable lands, I don’t see anything that could stand in our way.” I smiled friendly enough to show that my comment was not meant as a threat, but more of a friendly reminder.
Earl Magnusson barked a laugh. “Forgive me for that, but you will find that we all have a tendency to test boundaries, especially with a new earl in our midst. But you did well. Had I known who you are, I might have reacted differently. Then again… probably not.” He laughed again.
I shook my head with a crooked grin. Maybe I might like him a little. “I appreciate your honesty. Thank you for that.”
He shrugged. “Oh, you’ll learn about these games of power, little annoyances and small arrangements soon enough. I have always quite enjoyed politics.”
I looked at Ragnheiđur and rolled my eyes, when he looked away, something that made her smile.
“But Earl [Y/F/N]sdottir, Ragnheiđur Tokesdottir, where are my manners? Would you mind joining me and my sons for supper?”
We followed his invitation and soon found ourselves around a small table eating some meat, vegetables and bread with only him, his wife and his three sons.
“You might be a little confused as to why I asked you to be our guests this evening, but there are several things that I thought we should talk about without an audience.” The earl started after we were finished with most of the food.
I looked at him, now a little suspicious. “I am all ears, Earl Magnusson.”
He smiled at me. “You truly are your father’s daughter. He raised an intelligent woman. And I have to tell you that it plays into my cards pretty nicely, because I have to ask you a favour.”
Ragnheiđur became slightly unsettled and nervously moved in her chair, but I tried to remain calm. We had to hear him out before we could see if there was anything we had to or should do. I gave him another nod, to proceed with his request.
“I am going to join the raid against the Saxons, I guess you heard that already. I decided to stay home when Ironside wanted to explore the Mediterranean and I am still mourning the chance, but somebody had to stay here and take care of my earldom. Now, fate has intervened and my son Birger cannot join the raid, but he can very well hold my place here in Bork. I hear you are staying in Ripa as well, is that true?”
I gave him a crooked smile. “My husband doesn’t think it safe for his wife to traipse around the battlefields in a foreign country, so I will be staying in Ripa. But I will come to Kattegat to say my goodbyes to my husband, Ivar Ragnarsson. It might be the last time I will see him alive.”
Earl Magnusson smiled fondly. “Yes, yes, you should come to see him off. It is a rare gift to have a husband care so deeply for your safety. I trust that you will leave Ripa in the capable hands of your second, Ragnheiđur Tokesdottir then?” His eyes darted to her, just as she was stuffing her face.
Ragnheiđur looked up, gave a nod and tried to swallow quickly. “The one and only. I will return to Ripa as soon as our troops are off and will have a watchful eye on all matters of the earldom.”
Birger now entered the conversation. “I heard you learned to fight under Queen Lagertha, is that the truth?”
“Lagertha taught me far more than just to fight. I was her second in Hedeby before she asked me to come here with Y/N, so I learned everything necessary to lead an earldom and its people from her. She is an extra-ordinary woman, Lagertha is.” Ragnheiđur beamed.
Birger smiled at Ragnheiđur. “You sure make it sound like she is.”
Earl Magnusson looked from one to the other. “Would you be willing to help and advise my son if need be, as he will take care of Bork for me?” Birger wanted to protest, but his father shushed him with a gesture of his hand. “It’s not that I don’t trust him, but his wound is still fresh and other Earls might see it as a weakness. I don’t want to come home and find my earldom claimed by usurpers. Also, he has been away for a long time and it wouldn’t hurt for him to be able to ask the opinion of one or two people in matters of ruling a people and preparing this town for the winter.”
Ragnheiđur smiled uneasily and I frowned. Then she looked at me, looked for my stance on this matter. This conversation had taken a turn I hadn’t expected and I knew that Earl Magnusson could read it on my face.
He sighed. “To be honest, I would have asked you to consider marrying my son, but seeing that you are already married and that my son is a cripple, I cannot do that.” He chuckled, but I knew it was to hide the insecurity and slight shame he was feeling.
I cocked my head to the side. “You haven’t met my husband yet, Earl Magnusson, but I believe your son is more than able to manage your estate and earldom. However, I do understand your fear of your son seeming weak in the eyes of possible usurpers. But you should keep one thing in mind: it is always an advantage if people underestimate you. Just ask my husband and you know what I am talking about. I believe that because people are going to underestimate him, Birger will be more than fine. You have our support, but I sincerely doubt that you will need it.”
I heard Birger whisper to Ragnheiđur “What is wrong with her husband?” and Ragnheiđur answer “Nothing, he is just a cripple that cannot use his legs.”
Birger chuckled nervously, not sure if she was being serious or making a joke, but he didn’t dare ask and Ragnheiđur just shrugged and grinned at him.
“So, we will set out tomorrow morning and you will be coming with us to Kattegat, and in the meantime, Ragnheiđur will take care of Ripa and any issues Birger might experience. Do we have a deal?” Earl Magnusson asked.
I gave a nod. We had a deal.
*
Never before had I approached Kattegat by ship, but it was an impressive sight. The city in the heart of the fjord gently stretched across the coastal line and even a few of the rolling hills surrounding it. A shiver ran down my spine, when I smelled the familiar scent of the fjord; its sea, its fir trees, its craftsmen’s fires. It felt right to come back here, like coming home, even though deep in my heart, I knew that the only thing that made it feel that way, was the man waiting for me in this town. Even before I saw anybody else, I saw Floki stealing looks at the different boats tied in the harbour, judging their handywork, looking for differences in technique, ways to improve his own ships, if he wanted to or found anything worth adapting. I jumped off the longboat I had been on to the jetty and walked toward him, smiling, but shaking my head.
“Floki, did I just catch you stealing trade secrets from my people in Jutland?”
He jumped, looking at me with wild eyes. “I am not stealing any….Y/N! It is you!”
He took a step toward me and gave me a hug that smelled of tar and wood and I would not have wanted it any other way.
“Does Ivar know you are coming?” he then asked. “He might be in need of a little lightening up. He seems pretty intense these days.”
“I know Floki. And he should know. He should have felt me coming deep in his bones.” I smiled at the boat builder.
He shook his head. “How did Aslaug know that you would be the Skagerrak to Ivar’s Kattegat? You two are crashing into each other in heavy waves, but one without the other? Impossible.”
“How is Helga?” I asked him and his smile became strained.
“Good, she is good. She found herself a child. Tanaruz. But…” his voice faded.
“But what?” I asked.
He shook his head. “Nothing. I don’t know.” He giggled. “Speaking of Helga, I should see how she is. But it was great seeing you again.”
I smiled after him. “You too, Floki, you too.”
Earl Magnusson appeared behind me. “So, you know your way around here, don’t you?”
When we reached the Great Hall, Torvi told us that Lagertha was in Hedeby, but also took the troops off my hands and showed them where they could set up camp. As she went with them, to show them the site, I made my way through the narrow lanes of Kattegat to see if I could find Margarete somewhere, but I didn’t exactly know where I should start, because she was no longer a slave and probably didn’t stay in their quarters anymore. Just as I considered to go to our home and look for Ivar, I bumped into Björn who came sneaking out of a house that I knew was not Torvi’s. He looked at me with wide eyes, then put his finger to his mouth. I rolled my eyes at him and we started walking a few feet into the direction of the harbour.
“Y/N, it is great to see you…I…” he began.
I just looked at him and then could not keep from breaking into laughter. He looked dishevelled and his shirt was half open and he still tried to act like nothing had happened.
“Björn, you smell of sex. And that was not Torvi’s door. It is none of my business, though, you don’t need to try to get me to keep my mouth shut. Whatever there is between the two of you should stay there. I got enough drama in my life.”
He laughed, relieved. Then threw me a sharp look. “Are you here for Ivar? Because he is going mad. He thinks father chose him for this, he wants to be our leader on this raid.”
I gave Björn a level look. “Well, he did. Your father, I mean. Still, you are not wrong in not trusting him with all that power by himself. But you would do well to consider his input. He is not as inexperienced as you assume. And he is a brilliant tactician. But you knew that already.” I smiled coldly.
Björn looked at me for a long time then shook his head. “Forever his advocate, aren’t you? I will never understand the two of you.”
I shrugged. “Somebody has to be on his side, when he is right. But can you tell me, where I can find Margarete these days?”
He pointed me into the direction of a small house Ubbe had built, and there she was, hanging the laundry. I slowed down my steps when I saw her. She looked so happy, I had to smile. When she looked up and saw me, her mouth fell open, then she started toward me, gained speed and before I could think anything of it, she hugged me tight, tears in our eyes.
“You are back! I thought, Ivar had driven you away for good!” she exclaimed, taking a little distance to look into my face.
I shook my head. “I had to take care of important business back home and Ivar just happened to speed up my departure. I cannot stay long, but I had to see you and wish my husband good luck on his raid.”
Her eyes were big and blue and innocent when she looked at me, absolutely frightened: “You cannot go back to him. You should avoid him as best you could, he is even worse than he was before he met you!”
I closed my eyes. “It is not as easy as that. Leaving him does not resolve any of our problems.”
She swallowed thickly then smiled a brilliant smile: “But you can come to our wedding! Ubbe asked me to marry him, we are getting married tomorrow. Are you coming?”
A laugh bubbled from my chest. “How could I stay away?!”
*
I tried to think of other people I might have to meet, other ways to delay the reunion with Ivar, not because I did not want to see him, but because I did not know, which version of him I would find today. Not even today, but the moment he saw me. Had I wronged him with the way of my departure? Probably. Had he wronged me with the way he tried to manipulate me into staying? Probably. In the end, I thought, it shouldn’t be so hard for two people who wanted to stay together, to be together. It should not be so hard for two people to love each other. I sighed and my feet slowly but steadily carried me to our home. The garden was a little less cared for, but other than that, it looked the same. My chest felt slightly compressed, which made it harder to breathe. I closed my eyes against the pictures of the past that threatened to wash over me, slightly shook my head. There was the slight prick of tears when I thought about the way we had left things. I had left things. There had been so much else to do that I had never confronted my own feelings of guilt until I saw the place it all had happened. I took a deep breath, exhaled and stepped closer, then entered the house.
“Ivar? Are you home?” I asked into the dim light inside. There was no fire in the fireplace and only little light filtered in through some cracks in the wood. I looked around the living area. Ubbe had moved out of the family home since I had left for Ripa, but judging by the belongings strewn around, Hvitserk and Sigurd still lived here with Ivar. I groaned. No wonder everything was in disarray and chaos, I shook my head, but smiled. “Hvitserk? Sigurd?” I asked, just to be sure, I was alone.
I entered Ivar’s space and put my bundle of clothes onto the bed. I looked around and found Ivar’s room unchanged, there were still the table and the stool I had sat on, when he had first washed me. I smiled a small smile. Then I saw a wooden box in one corner that hadn’t been there before. It was beautiful, probably Floki’s work. I went over and wondered what it held inside, wondering if Ivar would be angry if I had a look inside. I looked around again, as if to make sure that Ivar didn’t hide in some corner of the room, then I opened the box and peered inside. It drew the air from my lungs and I had to sit down on the ground before it, when I saw my meticulously folded wedding dress and the dried flower crown I had worn inside. I took the crown and placed it carefully on the table, then took out the dress and held it up, held it to my cheek to feel the material. We hadn’t been able to get the bloodstains out, so I had never been able to wear it again. When I looked back at the box, I saw something else inside. It was a beautiful necklace that held a moonstone in its center. I knew it, it had been my mother’s and I had given it to Aslaug when I had arrived in Kattegat. I stared at it on the bottom of the box, when I heard his familiar sing-song voice from the door.
“Look who finally came home.” His voice was neither hostile, nor friendly, but then he saw what I held in my hands. His eyes widened and his mouth set in a strict line. “Put that back.” He demanded.
I took a last look at my mother’s necklace then folded up the dress as neatly as I could and let it as well as the flower crown drop into the box, which I closed.
Ivar gave a small snort. “Look at you, listening to what I tell you. Must be the first time.” He crawled into the room, then dragged himself up onto the bed.
I looked at him from my spot on the ground. His face had grown sharper and his eyes seemed darker than before, though that might have been the light. I smiled slightly at his sight. Looking at him still made me feel like I was right where I was supposed to be.
He looked down to the ground. “Same with me.” He said, answering to my unspoken inner monologue. Then his eyes went wide and the two of us just stared at each other.
“She could not tell me how deep and how far this goes.” I told him.
He gave a nod. “I know.”
Then the two of us just looked to the ground, two people wanting to be close but too torn apart by the words said and deeds done before. So we simply breathed and sat together in our awkward mixture of feelings. I could feel my own feelings echo within Ivar, which made me breathe a little easier. If neither of us knew how to go on from this, we could choose a path together.
“Ivar, I…”
He shook his head. “Don’t. Don’t try to explain anything. It’s not worth it. I will be leaving for Northumbria in a few days and you will be back in Ripa. I know why you had to leave. But you also have to understand why I have to leave.”
I hung my head. Then looked up and smiled at him crookedly.
He closed his eyes and let himself fall backwards onto his bed. “For what it is worth, you are a good leader. Politics? You are better at it than I thought.”
“Please, come back to me.” was all I said. It was all I really wanted. For him to be with me. To really be with me.
Another snort. “And how do you imagine that? Me settling down with you in Ripa? Leaving Kattegat to that murderous snake on the throne right now? Or her son, the ‘oh so brave and strong’ Björn Ironside?” He sat up and looked at me with fire in his eyes. He was too consumed by his own mission right now to talk about us. So I changed the subject:
“Speaking of Björn, who is he bedding now? I ran into him sneaking out of a house that was not Torvi’s. He tried to keep me quiet.”
Ivar rolled his eyes. “His mother’s lover, that Astrid. But well, at least he is not offering up his arse to other men.”
I was slightly confused at that comment. “What?”
“Sigurd. Where Björn doesn’t care about his lovers’ other partners, Sigurd doesn’t care if they are men or women. He just… he’s into people.” Ivar said with a playful lightheartedness that sounded false.
I shrugged. “Well, I can see no fault in that.”
“Not unless you let yourself be mounted like a donkey. He is too submissive to be a son of my father.”
“You never liked him and he never liked you. Don’t let that cloud your judgement when it comes to his sexuality. Remember, you have to be a united front if you want to beat the Saxons.” I replied.
“I hate it when you try to reason with me, because sometimes, you are right.” Ivar whined, but then grinned.
I laughed. “Well, somebody has to be the voice of reason in this madness.”
Ivar groaned. “But sometimes, I don’t want to hear it.”
Hvitserk’s voice came from the door. “Ivar, get your cripple ass to the Great Hall, we have people to meet, Y/N sent a whole fleet from Jutland to support us!”
Ivar’s eyes met mine and he nodded slightly impressed. “Did you now?” he asked me.
“Who are you talking to?” Hvitserk’s voice came again, slightly annoyed. Then his head popped in the door. As he saw me, the whole viking followed and he quickly made his way to me, still sitting on the ground, hugging me tightly as he reached me. I hugged him back and grinned broadly.
“I heard that you were seen around town, but I thought people were making it up.” He said with sparkling eyes.
“You mean, you saw Margarete and she told you, but you thought, she had dreamt it, because it’s her wedding tomorrow.” I chuckled.
Hvitserk shrugged. “Maybe that as well, but it is great to see you. Now come on, you two, there is going to be a feast for our troops.”
I looked to Ivar, who inclined his head, even though he rolled his eyes. “You go first, Hvitserk, we’ll be right behind you.”
*
Kattegat did not hold back on its hospitality when it came to the Great Army and its supporters. The whole town seemed to be in a constant state of festivities, but the feast that night was impressive, even to me that had seen a few feasts in this very hall on several occasions. I said as much to Earl Magnusson, who had found me after the dinner was over and everybody had started to greet each other.
“So this is where you spent your days after you had to flee from your uncle? You could have had it worse.” He smiled and for the first time it was open enough that I did not get suspiscious of any ulterior motives. “It is good to see that you were well cared for.”
“Oh, but Kattegat has grown, even since then. I assume some of the warriors coming back from the Mediterranean just decided to settle here as well. And the feasts were definitely smaller back then.” I laughed lightly.
“I definitely think that an alliance with Kattegat is not the most stupid thing you could have gone for. They have capable craftsmen here, not to mention the trading goods…”
He trailed off, as the crowd to our left parted and his glance fell on Ivar crawling towards us. He tried to hide it, but a frown appeared on his forehead.
Before he could say anything that might infuriate Ivar or just annoy him, I decided to introduce him.
“Earl Magnusson, that is my husband Ivar Ragnarsson, one of the sons of Ragnar leading the army. Ivar, this is Earl Magnusson from Bork, he is the one who supplied us with most of the longboats we have.” I bent down to give Ivar a cup of mead from a nearby table, so he could drink with us.
Ivar took it, while he eyed the earl suspiciously. He knew that man had meant trouble for me, but he also saw us relatively relaxed with each other, so he decided to give an appreciative nod.
“Earl Magnusson. I have heard a few things about you, it is nice to finally make your acquaintance.” Ivar raised his cup.
The Earl of Bork however gave a short laugh and clapped my shoulder. “This is what you meant when you said that my son would not be too crippled to marry or lead my people when I meant to offer you his hand.” He seemed honestly delighted that Ivar was living proof that his son could still amount to something.
I saw Ivar’s jaw set, though. He did not like to hear that I had been proposed to, even if he did not know the circumstances, because somehow I had been able to keep this detail from him.
“It is great to see you, Ivar Ragnarsson, and I hope you can show me how you overcame the obstacles your…circumstances confronted you with.”
Ivar smiled superficially, but it was a cold, reptilian smile that let cold shivers run down my spine. “It is always a pleasure to be a good example. If you’ll excuse me, I believe my brothers wanted to see me.”
And with that he crawled away.
Earl Magnusson looked at me, slightly unsettled. “I hope I did not offend your husband.”
I shook my head and closed my eyes. “Don’t worry about it. He just has a lot on his mind at the moment. I am sure he has some important business to sort out with his brothers. One of them is getting married tomorrow, so I am actually surprised they showed their faces tonight.”
That was when Lagertha waved me over and I had to excuse myself from Earl Magnusson myself. In a corner of the room I saw King Harald and Halfdan talk to someone I had never seen before. When he turned to look at me, I felt slightly nauseous and I didn’t know why. Probably just too much ale and not enough to eat, so I shrugged it off and walked over to Lagertha, who wanted to know how Ripa fared and if Ragnheiđur was well.
I left not long after my conversation with Lagertha was over, mostly because I could not shake that feeling of nausea. Shortly after I had left the hall, I could feel a presence that I knew all too well by this point. I didn’t even need to turn around and look at him, I could feel it in the air, when Ivar was close. It was a certain electric quality to the air around us, it was charged with his anger and my stubbornness and a pull towards him that almost made me afraid.
“Wait up, Y/N! You might remember I am not as fast on my hands as you are on your feet.”
“I do remember you being faster than people tend to think you are.”
He reached me and looked up to me with his unbelievably blue eyes that even shone in the dark of the night out here. There was something like hope in them for a moment, but that was quickly washed away by his constant guardedness and an anger, I could not place this time. Normally, I could at least tell what angered him. But all emotion was shut away right now, I had to navigate blindly.
“Why are you here, Y/N?” he asked me directly.
I started walking in the direction of our – his? – home.
“Our home.” He said softly. “It will always be our home, that small room in my family’s house.”
I looked straight ahead, carrying a small smile in the corner of my mouth.
“I had to…no, that is wrong. I wanted to say my goodbyes, wish you luck and see you off. This is your fight and I wanted you to know that I am on your side.”
He chuckled. “Funny. For someone claiming to be on my side, you are gone quite a lot. And you are rather quick in telling me how wrong I am in what I do.”
I chuckled. “Because I love you, Ivar. I only want, what is best for you. And sometimes that means giving you an opinion you don’t want to hear when I believe you are going down the wrong path. Sometimes loving somebody means not letting them get their will, but telling them they are wrong to keep them from harm.”
We had reached the threshold I had carried him over all those moons ago and I heard him laugh.
“So, you claim you love me, but why should I believe you?”
I was getting annoyed. I had honestly told him how I felt and he contested it. With a dark look at him, I entered our room and sat down on the stool to take off my shoes. “I guess you just have to trust me on this one.”
He shook his head. “But how do I know that nobody else is calling you their own?”
Incredulously I stared at him. “How do you come up with things like this?!”
His voice sounded almost reasonable when he explained: “You have been away quite a while, my wife, and now I have to hear that you have been offered the hand of another man in marriage. And even though I know everything that is going on, you decided to hide that fact from me. What do you think, how does that make me feel?”
I rolled my eyes. “Ivar, stop the games, I was never actually offered the hand of Earl Magnusson’s son, because I told him I was married. Besides, you know what I have been doing most of the time I was away, you probably just overlooked it.”
His jaw clenched. It actually bothered him. “I have seen how they looked at you. The men from your town. The earls at the Thing. Do you have any idea how many of them wanted to claim you and that earldom of yours?”
Still sitting, I started taking off my jewellery and put it on the table. “But I am not interested in them and I am very well capable of defending my honour. I am only interested in my earldom and in you, my husband.”
He came up behind me and I could feel his hot breath on my neck. “So, you have not come to stay in Kattegat and wait for me to come back? You are still holding on to that little earldom of yours?”
“Ivar, you are going to Northumbria, you won’t even notice I am not in Kattegat.” I tried to reason with him. With his jealousy of my earldom.
“So, you will be here when I return?” he asked darkly.
I gave a sigh. “If I…”
He groaned like a wounded animal. “No! There is no If! You are mine! You don’t belong to that earldom of yours, you belong to me!”
I turned around on the stool to face him. “I have seen your thoughts, Ivar”, I said, sounding as menacingly as him, “I know that you don’t plan on coming home after you have had your revenge! I know the schemes you are putting together; while your brothers only want revenge for your dead father, you want more. You seek glory, fame and notoriety!”
Our faces were only a few breaths away from each other and his eyes glittered coldly, his lips were pressed together tightly. He exhaled a quick breath through his nose.
“What is it to you? You are not here, so don’t tell me that you will miss me!”
“Did it ever occur to you that it numbs the pain of you being away when I have something else to do than to just wait for your return? I do miss you, I miss you badly. And if you want me close then take me with you to Northumbria! Let me fight by your side.”
His eyes were wet. “No.” he simply said. Then crossed his arms in front of his chest. “No!”
“And why not?”
“We have talked about this, Y/N.” he growled. “You are mine!”
My stare became furious and I wanted to hurt him. So, I pushed his shoulder. “Then stake your claim, cripple!” I snarled at him, pushing my face even closer to his, baring my teeth. “Show me that I am yours, Boneless!” I shoved him a second time -
It was as if a switch had been flipped, as white-hot anger washed over Ivar and he only growled deeply, before he leapt forward kissing my lips hungrily, so he accidently bit my lower lip. Then he shoved me so hard, I toppled backwards off my stool. He grabbed it and threw it aside, before I felt his familiar weight on me, his lips back on mine, then on my neck, biting, drawing blood. His hands pushed up my skirt and pulled down his pants. He looked at me, eyes dark and a feral fury within them. He only gave a gutteral grunt when he suddenly and unexpectedly pushed into me. My eyes went wide with shock at what was happening and I drew up my knees, as if to shield me, but it only helped him to push deeper. A moan was drawn from my lips and I dug my nails into the fabric at the back of his tunic. He didn’t care, didn’t stop to think, fumbling at my still clothed breasts, as he started to move faster and harder, chasing for release. I crossed my ankles over his ass, to answer his rhythm, let my head fall back and my eyes fall closed. His fingers caressed my cheek and then his mouth was at my throat again, kissing, biting, licking. I moaned again. Let his name roll from my lips. He rolled his hips more violently to answer. Once, twice, and as his hips started to stutter, he finished with one final, deep push that made me bite his collarbone to keep from screaming, not from pain, but from pleasure. As suddenly, as it had begun, it was over and Ivar collapsed on top of me. His eyes found mine, as he exhaustedly mumbled:
“You are mine, Y/N. Mine alone.”
We lay in a heap on the floor and didn’t move for a moment. I did not argue.
“And you are mine.” I sighed and let my head roll back, exposing my neck, so Ivar could see the marks he had left. I was about ready to drift off to sleep, when Ivar pulled himself off the floor and said my name.
“Come on, get up from the floor, you’ll get sick.” He said in a weird tone of voice, I had never heard before. I glanced up into his face and found genuine concern in it, so I reluctantly got off the floor, took off my dress and brushed off the sand off my legs and butt, then quickly dried off the juices from between my legs with the dress, before getting into the bed and beneath the furs. He followed quickly after, but kept a safe distance. I felt his hand touch my shoulder hesitantly.
“Did I… did I hurt you?” he asked, still in that weird tone. I turned around to face him and frowned.
“No Ivar, you didn’t. Why do you ask?”
“You… you screamed. And not quietly, like…really loud. And then you bit me and almost passed out.”
I looked at him. Was that what had happened? I tried to clear the warm fuzzy feeling in my head.
“No, it was… it felt… I have never had sex before, but I guess this was not bad.”
Suddenly, his eyes went wide and then his whole face lit up with joy. “I am not boneless.” he whispered in awe.
I smiled before I rested my head against his strong chest. “No, you are definitely not.”
He chuckled. “I don’t even really know what happened.”
“You lost control, that is what happened. You were scary angry, Ivar.” I told him in a level tone of voice, to cover my concern. Then again, I had pushed him into this fit of anger.
“I could say I am sorry, but that would be a lie.” He grinned smugly.
We lay in silence for a while then he asked:
“There is no getting out of this? You die, I die, right?”
I closed my eyes for a moment, breathed in his scent. “Yes. Also, your mother made me a völva or something more than a seer and the Gods might have plans for us.”
“You have to admire my mother’s handiwork. She did not hold back. The way she brought chaos to our lives, she did it properly.” He said quietly.
“I don’t think it was all her fault. Someone must have given her the idea.”
“Oh, believe me, my mother had that idea all by herself. She did it for me. She did everything for me. She loved me.”
I gave a small nod. “I will go back to Yrsa, once I am in Ripa. She wanted to practice with me, teach me how to controll our bond.”
Ivar looked at me curiously. “And why would you do that?”
I hid my face in his chest. “To be able to check in with you at will. See what you are doing.”
“Winning battles of course. The Saxons won’t know what is coming for them.”
I smiled sadly against his body. “Promise me to come back alive.”
Ivar kissed my hair and smiled into the kiss. “Even if I die, we will go to Valhalla together. No one can keep us apart.”
My arms wound around his torso and hugged him firmly to my body. “Yes, but I would love to spend more hours like this.”
“When I get back, we’ll see.” He replied hesitantly.
*
The next couple of days flew by in a rush; Margarete’s and Ubbe’s wedding went by quickly, it was a beautiful ceremony and I was happy I was able to attend it. Hvitserk gave her away and I could feel there was something going on there, but I did not want to snoop and I had a lot on my mind already. I promised Margarete to meet her when we had said our goodbyes to the men and then left the festivities rather early to get some time for myself.
I went down to the beach a little outside of town and looked out onto the sea. It was a clear day, yet the sea was restless, just like myself. I closed my eyes against the breeze and took in a deep breath. Suddenly, I felt snowflakes on my skin, was back in the city, looked around the new reinforcements of the city, there was a shieldmaiden lying in the newly fallen snow. Her blood had tinted it a dark red, molten it in places. There were people fighting all around, Kattegat was under attack. I opened my eyes and was back at the late autumn shore I had been a moment ago. This was new. And unnerving. I sat down on a piece of driftwood in the sand, when I suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder.
“You are awfully alone out here on a day your family is welcoming a new member.” Floki said, before he dropped down onto the log as well.
“Well, shouldn’t you be at the wedding as well?” I looked at him with a cocked eyebrow.
He shrugged and giggled. “Maybe. But I don’t feel much like celebrating these days. There’s a change in the wind and strange tides are coming in. But I don’t need to tell you that, now, do I?” His grin was replaced by a serious and questioning look.
“Floki, do you believe our Gods are on our side? That our Gods are friendly?”
“I don’t know if one necessarily includes the other. I believe they test us. Some more than others. Some are born into greater fates and have to fight harder than others. I believe that you and Ivar are two people that will have to fight a lot. Not with each other, though you keep getting better and better at that.” Again he giggled.
“Oh, Floki, where do we go from here?” I didn’t expect an answer to that question, it was just a genuine question I asked myself, and he understood and we sat in slience for a while.
Then he cleared his throat. “I have a feeling, Y/N, that I won’t return to Kattegat. Helga says, she is going with me, she is taking Tanaruz. There is nothing left for me here. Ragnar is gone, all of our old friends, they have gone to Valhalla before me. Only Lagertha remains, but she is not the same. Kattegat is not the same. I am tired of the constant fighting and scheming, everybody wants to be king or queen. It hasn’t been like this in the old days. I feel like our lives were easier back then, when Ragnar was just a farmer and I was just his boat-building friend.”
Floki’s eyes searched for mine then I gave a slight nod. “The tides will turn once again in Kattegat, but also in Northumbria. Nothing will be as it was. I feel it as well.”
Floki took my hand. “Don’t tell Ivar what I told you. It would hurt him and he would not understand. He is young and looking for infamy, just like his father when he was younger, but with more to prove.”
“I don’t know if he hears what I am saying. I try to save him from the path he is sliding down, but he doesn’t want to be saved. It is like trying to sail a boat in a storm. I fear I will lose him out on the waves.”
Now Floki giggled. “Y/N, use that pretty little head of yours. What do we do when there is a storm while we are out at sea? We wait for it to pass and cut our losses. Maybe you will have to take a step back and let Ivar’s boat take a few hits. You can still send a boat to save him when the storm has passed. You don’t sail into the storm.”
I had to laugh at his comment and shook my head. “To see the world through your eyes for only a day would probably change how I look at a lot of things.”
He cocked his head. “If you don’t go crazy in the first couple of hours. It is funny in that head of mine.” He giggled again and I only shook my head.
*
I stood in our garden when Ivar came home from the wedding and he saw me instantly. I could feel a sense of nervousness radiating off of him and his movements toward me became more urgent. I frowned at that. And it broke my heart when I understood where his reaction came from. His eyes scanned the garden quickly and I knew, he thought I was leaving again. Still, as soon as he had made sure that there were no packed bags and I did not intend to leave, his pokerface returned. We were broken in a way. Tied together, but broken apart.
“Back home, my husband?” I asked him playfully.
Ivar smiled back. “And happy to find you here. What are you doing out in the garden?”
I shrugged, looking around. “You know what I always loved about this garden, small as it is? In the spring it was so full with Blåveis blossoms, I thought it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I was just, maybe looking around if I could find any of its beauty right now.”
Ivar scoffed. “It’s almost winter, there’s nothing blooming right now.”
I let myself fall to the floor next to him. “Yes, but it will all be in full bloom again next spring, even if we would never suspect its beauty right now.”
He let his head drop to the side and was facing me now. “Why do I feel like you are not just talking about flowers?”
I wriggled my eyebrows and smiled at him. “Because maybe, my dear Ivar, I am not just talking about flowers.”
Ivar looked at me and could not surpress a small laugh. “You look ridiculous when you do this thing with your eyebrows.”
I wriggled them again. “You mean this?”
He let his head drop back in mock-exasperation. “Y/N, why do you have to be like this?”
I grinned. “Because I know it annoys you. No, come on, let’s get inside. It is getting cold out here.”
Ivar followed me inside the house and we noted that neither Hvitserk nor Sigurd were home. The house was quiet and dark except for the two of us. We quickly washed off the day and got into bed. Today, Ivar moved closer to me as soon as we were beneath the furs. He kissed my shoulder.
“I would love to try the thing we did yesterday again.” He whispered close to my ear and I felt a shiver running down my spine in anticipation, as he started to kiss along my spine. Then I turned around and looked into his eyes and kissed him slowly. I could feel his hands on my body and let mine explore as well, as I started to kiss along his neck and collarbone. He started playing with my breasts, but after a while I noticed that something was off.
“What’s the matter?” I asked him, as a deep furrow started to form between his eyebrows.
“It’s…”, his voice was small and pressed, “…nothing is happening. It’s like before. I don’t understand…”
I looked at him and felt my heart break for him once again. My hand found his cheek and I pulled him closer to me, as I closed my eyes.
“It’s okay Ivar. You are just putting too much pressure on yourself. Let’s just… let us just be for a moment, okay?” I kissed his cheek and I felt a hot tear falling from his lashes. He was feeling ashamed and worthless again and buried his face against my shoulder. I kissed his temple. I was there with him, but I knew that this broke something in him he had thought fixed. I saw him fight with Sigurd, but I beat down the images, because I did not want to see them now. Or ever. I had seen how that situation played out the moment we got married. Maybe the Gods had tried to warn me back then. But even if they had, by now, I was too far down the rabbit hole to get out of this. Right now, I felt my broken husband cry against me and tried as hard as I could to hold the pieces of him together.
“I love you, Ivar.” I whispered against his hair.
I felt him laugh humorlessly. “How could you ever love a cripple like me? How can you say that?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. And believe me, sometimes I don’t know why. But I do. I do love you.”
I knew that right now, he did no believe me. But I also knew that he needed to hear it before he left.
Fates Entwined, part VIII: Follow Your Tale, Remember Your Name
After your former clan was brutally murdered, you agree to an arranged marriage with Ivar to keep your social status. You may not always see eye to eye and sometimes even find yourself on different sides of one war or the other, but somehow you can never escape each other no matter how much you try to forget, deny and run. Somehow you always end up in each other’s faces. Sometimes quite literally.
A/N: So, here we go. This is more of a transitionary chapter to set up a few things, but more will follow and I hope soon. Somehow this story and its world keep expanding and there’s going to be more going on than simply the Ivar-Y/N-relationship and I don’t quite know how this is going to work out, but I enjoy writing it, so I’ll just go where the (writing) flow takes me. It also means a lot of editing and some fact checking here and there, which is why this takes me so long, because sometimes I just can’t bring myself to read through the same chapter for the 27th time. So, sorry for the delay, but thanks for reading it to all of you.
Thanks also to the people who asked to be tagged, I only hope, I won’t let you down: @youbloodymadgenius @xnnskwjeheb2j @blonddnamedhandz
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
To the moon and back, then you stabbed me in the back
And it’s you who’s sad, see the irony in that
I’m moving a white flag, I see red then I see black
No don’t be sad
Forever never lasts
(Blind Channel – Died Enough For You)
It was funny how fate could bring two people together, only after they decided to part ways. Neither me, nor Ivar actually knew where my departure from Kattegat left our marriage. We never mentioned seperating as we fought and I did have the intention to return to Kattegat, or rather to him. After all, I had promised Aslaug to take care of Ivar. By now I had promised so many different things to so many different people that I wasn’t quite sure what I was doing for myself anymore.
But whatever it was that was between us, it left us no time to wonder. Fate was not easy to escape, no matter how violently you thrashed in its grip. It sure was not as simple as leaving the town your husband lived in.
I feel like Ragnar is the best example of someone who’s reputation has outgrown the man himself and left him to deal with all the tragedies and heartbreaks in his life on his own, mostly because nobody can see the man behind the stories and nobody is able to relate to him anymore with him being a “legend” and all.
The old “Show me a hero and I’ll write you a tragedy.” pretty much describes Ragnar’s life. Then again, it’s not like life is easy on any of the characters in the show :D
Oh, and I don’t think we need to talk about those Lothbroks being fools sometimes... :D
Summary: After your former clan was brutally murdered, you agree to an arranged marriage with Ivar to keep your social status. You may not always see eye to eye and sometimes even find yourself on different sides of one war or the other, but somehow you can never escape each other no matter how much you try to forget, deny and run. Somehow you always end up in each other’s faces. Sometimes quite literally.
PART I: FRIENDS
Chapter 1: Your Gods
Chapter 2: We’ll Be As One
Chapter 3: Who Are You When Nobody Is Watching
Chapter 4: Common Ground
Chapter 5: On The Way To Lose It All
Chapter 6: Safe In A Dream
Chapter 7: This Is Where We Fall Apart
Chapter 8: Follow Your Tale, Remember Your Name
Chapter 9: Claim Me
Chapter 10: The Last Day On Earth
PART II: Foes
Chapter 11: The Trickster God
Here’s the Masterlist for Fates Entwined, because the intros to the newest chapters start getting way too long with all the links to former chapters and it might just be easier for people to check if anything new is up, etc. Mostly because I find the posts way too convoluted with the overall summary and links and shtuff in the beginning. By the way, I never imagined, I’d keep writing this for so long, it’d need a masterlist. It was supposed to be a one shot at first. A very detailed one shot. Aaaaand I should have known. Whatever, I am rambling.
Edit: As I never actually intended this to become such a long story, I started naming the chapters parts first and now they are chapters and I have parts, so it’s starting to get confusing, but if I change the post titles, I might change the links (???) and thus make the whole masterlist void, so I keep the first chapters as parts and well... I am way too not technically and tumblerly fit for stuff like this. So, what I meant to say is... sorry for the mess :D
Fates Entwined, part VIII: Follow Your Tale, Remember Your Name
After your former clan was brutally murdered, you agree to an arranged marriage with Ivar to keep your social status. You may not always see eye to eye and sometimes even find yourself on different sides of one war or the other, but somehow you can never escape each other no matter how much you try to forget, deny and run. Somehow you always end up in each other’s faces. Sometimes quite literally.
A/N: So, here we go. This is more of a transitionary chapter to set up a few things, but more will follow and I hope soon. Somehow this story and its world keep expanding and there’s going to be more going on than simply the Ivar-Y/N-relationship and I don’t quite know how this is going to work out, but I enjoy writing it, so I’ll just go where the (writing) flow takes me. It also means a lot of editing and some fact checking here and there, which is why this takes me so long, because sometimes I just can’t bring myself to read through the same chapter for the 27th time. So, sorry for the delay, but thanks for reading it to all of you.
Thanks also to the people who asked to be tagged, I only hope, I won’t let you down: @youbloodymadgenius @xnnskwjeheb2j @blonddnamedhandz
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
To the moon and back, then you stabbed me in the back
And it’s you who’s sad, see the irony in that
I’m moving a white flag, I see red then I see black
No don’t be sad
Forever never lasts
(Blind Channel – Died Enough For You)
It was funny how fate could bring two people together, only after they decided to part ways. Neither me, nor Ivar actually knew where my departure from Kattegat left our marriage. We never mentioned seperating as we fought and I did have the intention to return to Kattegat, or rather to him. After all, I had promised Aslaug to take care of Ivar. By now I had promised so many different things to so many different people that I wasn’t quite sure what I was doing for myself anymore.
But whatever it was that was between us, it left us no time to wonder. Fate was not easy to escape, no matter how violently you thrashed in its grip. It sure was not as simple as leaving the town your husband lived in.
The first couple of nights, I was staying in Hedeby and Ragnheiđur and I were supposed to leave in the morning, when I experienced first hand what had happened to Ivar and how Ivar had happened to others after I had left. I was almost angry at myself for leaving, when I saw what a moody mess I had left behind.
A happy Margarete had made the unfortunate mistake to come to our home only hours after I had left. She didn’t quite bother to knock, as she was so used to it being only me in our part of the house and Ivar being gone. It had never been a problem for me, her just coming into my room unannounced, but today was different. As soon as she saw Ivar lying on the bed, she realised her mistake and was about to quickly and quietly leave before Ivar would notice her, just as his cold eyes met hers.
“What are you doing here, slave?” he spat at her, looking angrier than ever, “Did you come here to mock me?”
I could see Margarete flinch, fear imprinted on her face. “I…I was looking for Y/N…” she began and Ivar sat up in his bed.
“And why is that? What news could someone like you have for my wife?” My heart skipped a beat. ‘My wife’. It felt utterly and surprisingly comforting to hear the words from him.
Margarete ignored the insult. “Ubbe freed me. He intends to marry me. I meant to tell her that.” She got a little flustered and my heart went out to her. Ivar’s face got dark with disdain.
“Oh, but why would she care?” he asked with a false lightness in his voice.
“We are friends.” Margarete replied with conviction.
Now Ivar laughed haughtily and shook his head. “Oh, Margarete, I believe you are mistaken. Because she left Kattegat at noon and she didn’t even bother telling you.” His voice was sweet poison, but Margarete’s eyes spoke of her mistrust.
“I don’t believe you!”
“Oh, but look around. Do you see any of her belongings?”
Margarete looked around and saw nothing but Ivar’s clothes and trinkets. “What did you do? You made her leave, what did you do now to drive her away!?” she spat at him. I admired her loyalty as a friend, how she did not question my motives, but I also had a bad conscience, because I didn’t tell her about it.
“As you should.” I heard Ivar’s voice in my head, as clear as if he was standing right in front of me. I sat up in my bed, breathing heavily, just as Ivar sat up in Kattegat.
I looked around, but I was alone. I took a few shaky breaths and tried to calm myself down, but I was shaken to the core.
He on the other side smirked and cocked his head. “Interesting.” He whispered into the dark of his room. The game had changed, once again.
*
I got up early, as I couldn’t go back to sleep after that weird episode. So I started readying the horses for our ride from Hedeby to Ripa. I was just about to get some provisions for the way, so we would not have to waste any time looking for food, when Ragnheiđur showed up behind me.
“You are up early, are you so excited to get back to your home?” she asked me, smiling.
I looked at her with a sad smile. “Yes. And no. Of course, I love getting back home and spending time with my people, but I would have loved to share that with Ivar.”
Ragnheiđur squeezed my shoulder. “Well, I might not be Ivar, but I am looking forward to sharing it with you.”
I frowned. “And why is that? It will be a long ride and if you trust my husband, the company is lousy.”
She made an indignant face. “He did not say that!” Her hands on her hips, she looked fierce.
“No, he didn’t really say that. But he didn’t seem that interested in seeing what is close to my heart. It has always been his father, his revenge, avenging his father, making his father proud…” I rolled my eyes. “I mean, I get it, there are a lot of expectations resting on the brothers’ shoulders, but nobody would expect Ivar to go.”
Now Ragnheiđur shook her head. “Oh Y/N, that is where you missed the point. Especially because no one ever expected anything of him, he wants to show the world what he is capable of. Just think of yourself, didn’t you feel the same need? To prove to the world that you are not just a little girl they can scare away?”
I shrugged. “Maybe, mostly I was angry because they killed my family…”, and wasn’t that exactly, what motivated Ivar right now? “Okay, I see where you’re going with this. He has a valid point. But still, he disregards my feelings and my wishes, he tries to manipulate everybody around him, I mean… I love him, but I hate it when he tries to manipulate me and even more when he thinks he has to manipulate me to get his way. He is just like his mother in that aspect.”
Ragnheiđur snorted dryly. “Let me get breakfast and then we will ride. I believe there is a lot you need to tell me about you and your Ivar.”
And I told her everything. She was silent for the most part, but asked a few questions here and there. When I had finished, she shook her head.
“This union of yours, it is nothing out of this world. And you should really get to the bottom of this before this whole mess spirals out of control.”
I looked at her for a long time, then I sighed. I knew she was right, but I was afraid what I was going to discover. And I did not want to talk about this anymore. “But what about you Ragnheiđur, are you married?”
She gave a light hearted laugh. “No, and listening to your stories, I am really glad I am not. There are few eligible men in Hedeby and most of them are either already promised to other women or they are too scared to ask for my hand.”
I chuckled. “So this is why you wanted to come to Ripa with me.”
She joined in my laughter. “Right, you got me”, she rolled her eyes playfully. “No, it is just… I have never been further than Kattegat. I know everything and everyone in Hedeby. I wanted some sense of adventure and challenge. And Lagertha knows that. She probably doesn’t expect me back in Hedeby anytime soon.”
Returning to Ripa was different this time. We were given a warm welcome right away and went straight to my estate, where Ole paid us a visit. He had anticipated the same trouble I had, so he was happy to see me back with time to spare before our warriors would come by. He also told me that other earls in the area had tried to encroach upon my lands and especially from Bork to the north of Ripa, at the Ringkoebing fjord. The farmers up there started to try and take away land from mine, another matter I would have to address at the Thing assembly that – as he told me – would take place in a couple of weeks. Ragnheiđur was there and listened to everything, asking a few questions and then listening again. I understood what Lagertha meant when she said that Ragnheiđur was good in a crisis. She had a bright head on her shoulders and we already had a plan of how to get ahead of any trouble that might be brought on by the return of the men from the Mediterranean.
After the death of my uncle, his kin, and his followers, there were estates to be taken care of, so anybody of the men who wished to stay in Ripa and not go on any further raids could get a plot of land. We would talk to the wives of the returning warriors, ask them how they felt about the change in leadership and what they expected of a good and just leader. Ole already said that one of those things would be for me to be present and not with my husband in Kattegat or on a raid and it was confirmed as we made our inquiries. I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose when he had left. Maybe Ivar was right, maybe being his wife would have been enough of a job for me. But I would not give up. I could not give up, now that people depended on me. Ragnheiđur patted my shoulder when we were done and smiled encouragingly.
“You look just like Lagertha did after her first week as an earl. You’ll get used to it.” She chuckled then readied herself to go to bed. She was better prepared for this than I was and I had a feeling that Lagertha had known that.
*
Weeks went by, Björn and his men had returned, preventing Ivar, Sigurd and Ubbe from killing Lagertha, and then Hvitserk had not only told his brothers that he thought it a bad idea to kill Lagertha now, but he had also taken the time to explain to a furious Ivar why it would not be wise to kill the woman now. He did not mention to Ivar, how he thought that their mother had probably had it coming, but Ivar could read enough in between the lines to know that Hvitserk had his mind set on Aelle first and foremost and didn’t care that much about ever avenging their mother.
But the preparations took too long for his impatient thirst for revenge and he was lost. For once, he did not know, where to go or who to talk to here in Kattegat. His mother and Y/N had gone, both in their own ways and he knew of the politic troubles Y/N had to take care of in her own home town. Oh, how he loathed politics like these, the little deals, the whole fragility of it all. But he did watch on with awe at how she managed her community, as often as he got glimpses of it. Their connection was a weird one, waving in and out of existence, getting stronger and weaker in random instances. It was mostly small scences out of her or his life they shared, always somewhere in that space between sleep and awake. On some rare occasions, he had been able to comment on something or heard her voice talking to him. But neither of them could control those small glimpses and they were gone as soon as one of them awoke.
His brothers were wrapped up in fucking either Margarete, Astrid or other men and trying to keep other people from finding out, so he prefered to gather the intel, but not bother them. Also, they had the annoying tendency of not listening to what he had to say or – if they did listen – using what he said against him at a later time. They were such heroes. He snorted. But there was one good thing about the men returning from the Mediterranean; Floki was back. It was a long crawl, even though – thanks to the rapid growth of the town – his home was no longer that far away from the life of the town. He could still remember when Aslaug had brought him here the first time. The journey had felt much longer then, most of the way being uncharted wood land. He remembered her words as clearly as if it had been yesterday.
“Floki, I came to deliver my precious son into your hands. This is Ivar, who I love more than anyone else alive. And, Floki, I know he is clever. I want you to teach him the ways of our Gods, teach Ivar the true path. Teach him to hate the Christian God as you hate the Christian God! Only you can do it, not Ragnar. I will bring him to you every day. Teach him to be a Viking, teach him the deep and ancient ways.” And that had been exactly what happened. None of his brothers understood why these Christians didn’t deserve to live after they had condemned his father to death. None of them. Only he did, because he had been crawling out to Floki’s home and listened to his stories, every single day of his young life. And Floki’s stories had always been worth the way.
As he entered today, though, he was faced with a surprise. “She will make a good slave.” He tried to say something nice about the odd scene he found, with a strange child being tended to by Helga.
“She is my child!” Helga exclaimed. And where Ivar had always thought that Floki was the crazy one out of the two of them, he was now proven wrong. He shrugged it off, that was Floki’s matter, not his.
After Helga and Tanaruz had left and Floki had gone back to being his old self with Ivar, he was able to finally ask for what he had come for.
“I cannot crawl around the battlefield…” he mentioned. Floki looked at him and Ivar could see how the little wheels inside the boat maker’s head started to turn and spin and work. He loved Floki for many reasons, but he was almost envious at his ability to build everything his mind could think up and the way there was nothing his mind couldn’t think up. Ivar smiled, happier than he had been in the past weeks. Since Y/N had gone. And well, there she was again. He clenched his jaw in anger, which Floki did not fail to notice.
“Ivar, if you don’t mind me asking, where did Y/N go? I have heard the wildest stories, from her being an earl in some far away earldom to you killing her and feeding her to the boars. What happened to the two of you?”
Ivar’s fist clenched. “She decided I wasn’t enough for her. Lagertha gave her what she had wanted all along and away she went.” He turned to Floki with angry tears in his eyes.
Floki shook his head. “I don’t believe you for a second. That girl? She really liked you and believe me, we all were confused as to why she liked you. But Gods, was she fond of you.”
Ivar’s self-controll burst and he shouted: “She did not care about me! All she cared about was the influence she could gain by marrying me! And now she is acting like I am the one that hurt her!”
Floki went by Ivar and gave him a slap on the back of his head. “Stupid boy! She adored you more than she probably had reason for. Stop wallowing and just tell me why she left. If you want to keep on drowning in self-pity, I’ll give you something to be sour about.”
Ivar gave a grunt and crossed his arms in front of his chest. Then he recounted the story as far as he knew it. Told him about their connection, showed Floki the scar on his shoulder.
When he saw that, Floki took a step back, eyes wide. “What has your mother done?” he whispered, intrigue drawing him closer again. He reached out his fingers to touch the scar, but in the last moment before he would have actually touched Ivar, he flinched away as if he had been burned.
Ivar’s voice drawled, as he cocked an eyebrow. This question started to bore him. “We don’t know, what has she done, will you tell me? Nobody we asked knew about it, they all just looked at us with pretty much the same expression you do now.”
“That”, and Floki pointed to the scar, “That is old magic. That is something I don’t know enough about and even our seer won’t be able to help you with” (he couldn’t, Ivar had already tried) “This is the domain of the völva and the völva alone.”
“Are you saying my mother was a völva?” Ivar asked, intrigued.
“Yes and no. She was a seer, but she never seriously worked on the practical magic which being a völva involved, maybe she tried the odd ritual here and there, but she was never as deeply commited as she would have had to be to actually work some magic. But I fear she attempted something and the result was more than she had bargained for.”
“Which did not keep Y/N from running off to her earldom as soon as she…as she…” Again, tears were in Ivar’s eyes and he angrily blinked them away. Floki was taken aback by that display of emotions, rarely had he seen Ivar that vulnerable.
“What, Ivar? What did she do?”
Ivar closed his eyes and shook his head. “She broke my heart, Floki. She broke my heart and she took part of it with her.” He hated himself for feeling this weak.
“Like she should, because part of your heart will always be hers. I have seen you together, Ivar. We all have. And believe me, no one had ever thought they would see you that happy. So, why did she go away?”
“She said she had urgent business in Ripa and she left.”
“She just left?” Floki echoed, voice hollow from disbelief.
“She might have asked me to come with her.” Ivar said and looked away to the side. He sounded like a headstrong child, but he didn’t care.
“Then why didn’t you go with her?” Floki asked, almost exasperated. His long fingers at his temples.
“Because father told me to avenge him. And that happiness is nothing compared to bringing honour to our people.”
Floki groaned and put his face in his hands. “Ivar, your father, I loved him, but as great as he was, he was not without fail. Your father was many things, but he was not a happy man, because of the decisions he made along the way to greatness. He was a great man, but rarely have I seen him happy after he left that small farm that was the beginning of this town to go into the world. Why follow the advice of a man killed by his own ambition?”
Ivar looked at Floki for a long time, heart heavy. “I promised him, Floki. And I cannot break my promise. I will not let father down.”
“Oh, you Lothbroks! You are such fools sometimes. Believe me when I tell you that you broke her heart just as much as she broke yours.”
“We kind of had sex, Floki. I am not as boneless as everybody thought I was!” Ivar suddenly burst out with a grin.
At first he was confused by the quick change in subject, but then Floki’s face lit up. “Really?”
Ivar gave a nod. “Yes! I could, I… I reacted.”
Floki gave a single, joyful laugh and clapped his hands together. “Ivar, maybe your mother did know what she did after all.”
*
I groaned when I woke up. Of course he had to go tell Floki about that night. I got up quickly and went to get some water from the well. Although it was early, the town was already busy. Some of my men were preparing to leave for Kattegat to join the Lothbroks’ army on their raid to Northumbria. I was thinking about joining their journey to Kattegat to see them off and to see Ivar, even though there was a lot to be done here in Ripa as well. Ragnheiđur and I had been preparing for the Thing meeting that would be today, which meant that we would have to leave into the direction of the Thingstead soon. I would have to show a strong hand to keep my claim to all of my lands against Earl Magnusson of Bork, but also against the other earls of Jutland. As we all knew, it would mean war if they did not adhere to my requests to leave my lands alone and none of us wanted war, especially not in these days. At least that was what Ragnheiđur kept telling me. And if they accepted me, depended on how willing I looked to defend my lands to the blood.
We arrived early and were closely eyed by the other earls who had seen each other before. I, on the other hand, was a newcomer and had to introduce myself to most of them, though some of them remembered me as a child and told me just that. I wasn’t sure if they meant to belittle me or question my position, but no one dared to openly speak against me. One of the first matters in the Thing was just that: who was I, what was my intent as earl and how would I contribute to the community in Jutland.
The chieftain and leader of the Thing asked me straight away, why I had killed my uncle and all of his kin and followers and I stepped forward, looked the earls in the eyes, one after the other, then shook my head.
“I know, you had already accepted him into your midst as the earl of Ripa, but were you not aware of the fact that he had his own brother, my father, and his whole family killed?”
Earl Magnusson snorted. “Well, he cannot possibly have had your whole family killed, when you are standing right here in front of us.”
Murmurs arose, but I looked him dead in the eye. Oh, how I hated a smart ass. “You want to know why that is, Earl Magnusson? The reason for that is that he intended to take me as his second wife to validate his claim. I escaped to Kattegat, where an old friend of my mother gave me shelter and later married me off to her youngest son. The influence I gained, I used to gather a small but loyal army to reclaim Ripa. And as you are able to see, with me standing right in front of you today, I was successful. The people of Ripa accepted me as their earl and I would like to tell them that all of you peacefully agreed to accept my claim as well.”
The Earl of Toender raised his hand. “And this mysterious husband of yours, where is he? Why didn’t he come to strengthen your position? You are just a woman after all.”
I glared at him. If he didn’t like women in positions of power, I would give him something to hate. “First of all, because he trusts that I am very well able to hold my own, even against old men with antiquated world views like yours.” Another murmur went through the room. “Secondly, he is preparing to assemble the greatest army in the history of our people to avenge his father, Ragnar Lothbrok, who was killed by King Aelle in Northumbria.”
A younger man sitting behind Earl Magnusson looked up at me. “You are married to one of Ragnar Lothbrok’s sons?” he asked, interested.
“Yes, his youngest, Ivar Ragnarsson. Why do you ask?” I replied questioningly.
“I heard of their efforts to raise another army, I just wasn’t sure it was the truth, as many warriors, me included, only just returned from the raid to the Mediterranean under Björn Ironside’s lead.”
“This revenge is the reason Ironside returned from the Mediterranean right now, as far as I know, but my information is a few weeks old. Some of my men stayed in Kattegat, ready to leave as soon as the army sets sail, but some of them wanted to see their wives and children before they left again.”
The young man smiled. “Well, I returned, because I left a leg in Spain”, he gestured to the place where his right shin should have been and grinned crookedly, “but many of our men would be willing to leave for a raid like this. Wouldn’t they, father?” He looked up to Earl Magnusson and I almost choked on the words I had intended to say.
The chieftain interrupted us anyway: “We can talk about this matter after we have brought the question about Ripa’s rightful holder to an end. Is there anyone who opposes Y/N [Y/F/N]sdottir’s claim to Ripa and all its lands?” he threw a sharp look to Earl Magnusson of Bork, but nobody raised their hand or voice, which meant, the Thing had accepted me. I looked at Ragnheiđur, who smiled encouragingly at me.
Then Earl Magnusson’s son, by now we knew that his name was Birger, returned to the subject of the raid against the Saxons. “Why don’t we send a combined force from Jutland to Kattegat? We have a fleet of ships waiting to be tested in Bork. That would be the fastest way to Kattegat. We could ask our men, who of them wants to leave, send a messenger to Kattegat and tell them when our forces would arrive to support their efforts.”
It wasn’t the worst idea I had heard today. It would save us valuable time and form a tighter bond between the earldoms of Jutland. And I wasn’t the only one convinced, so we talked everything through and it was decided that our men would depart from Bork in a week’s time and the messenger was sent to Kattegat right away.
When we finally left the actual assembly, I looked at Ragnheiđur. “So, that is some weight off my shoulders. But what does that mean for you? Will you return to Hedeby? Sailing with them to Kattegat and continuing on horseback back to Hedeby would probably be the fastest way for you to get there…” I trailed off, when her smile sank.
“I feel like we only got here. I don’t want to leave right away. Also”, now she grinned from ear to ear, “I gave the messenger a message for Lagertha that I would be staying here to help you prepare for the winter.”
“But don’t they need you back in Hedeby for that?” I asked.
She shook her head. “They have three capable leaders in Torvi, Astrid and Lagertha, I am nice to have, but not necessary. Unless you want me gone, of course.” She grinned and cocked her head.
I shook my head. “I don’t want you gone, it’s just… I don’t know how I can repay you or Lagertha for sending you with me.”
“I don’t know about Lagertha, but you can repay me by figuring out your problems with your husband. You should go to Kattegat with our men.”
“Ivar won’t let me go to fight the Saxons with him and he won’t stay in Kattegat or come to Ripa with me, so why go to Kattegat?” I asked her, slightly frustrated with the situation. I was too proud to admit to her that I had already played with the thought myself.
She lightly touched my shouder and smiled at me. “Because you love him. You have told me everything about the two of you, and the one thing I could see was the affection you held when you were talking about him. You need to see him and you need to fix this awkward distance that is between you right now. Tell him how you feel. He might die in Northumbria and he would know, but he would have never heard the actual words from you, knowing that you mean them.”
I stared into the distance for a long time, before I looked back at her, face serious. “I hate how right you are. So, let’s go talk to Earl Magnusson.” I was about to walk toward the earl and his son, when she held me back.
“You know there is another thing you need to do. You need to talk to someone who can tell you what exactly it was that Aslaug did to you.”
“Well, the only person able to do that was Aslaug and she is long gone…” I drifted off.
For the first time I saw something like impatience in Ragnheiđur. “And this is where you are wrong. There is this woman living out in the marshes beyond the town limits, she knows about ancient magic.”
“Are you talking of Yrsa?” I asked, a lump in my throat.
“Yes! She is a völva, she could help you!”
I looked to the ground, feeling childish. Yrsa had been old when I was still a child. And she had given me the creeps back then, still did today.
“You cannot be serious”, I heard Ivar’s mocking voice in my head, “She could help and you don’t want to see her, because she scares you?”
I closed my eyes and groaned. “Who is asleep at this time of day?!” I asked loudly and impatiently.
“I had an exhausting afternoon preparing for battle”, I saw flashes of him riding in a chariot Floki had built him, it was exhilirating, but I shook my head, “Oh, you already know…” he whispered conspiratorially.
“Just wake up and leave me alone.” I whispered angrily.
His voice was gone. Silence. Then Ragnheiđur looked at me, slightly worried.
“We should get this cleared up sooner rather than later, Y/N.” she said and tried to keep her face neutral, though I could tell that she was slightly uncomfortable with my behavior.
I shrugged. “It’s been like this for weeks now, I have almost gotten used to it by now.”
She looked me straight in the eyes. “But until today it has never happened while you were awake, has it?”
I stared back at her, mouth open. She was right. I took a deep breath. One step in front of the other. First we would close out the Thing, look like sane people, and ride back to Ripa. And then we would try to see Yrsa as soon as possible. And “we” in this case did not include Ragnheiđur, but me and Ivar.
So, I have been writing my heart out these last few days, but I still need some time to edit the stuff and there are still a few moving pieces which require a larger context to slot into place, so I will be updating soon, but I am really so knackered, I cannot get myself to start editing. But.
I just went through some of the pictures from my Viking road trip part 1, I did last year.
I don't think I have mentioned this one before, but when I visited Copenhagen and Roskilde (the Viking Ship Museum not the festival, because honestly, I am just that kind of geek) last year, a map fell into my hands. A map with aaaall the Viking museums in Denmark. And I made it my mission to visit them all (see what I am talking about with the whole geek thing?). I am currently at 4 out of 12, I believe, plus 1 extra, because it is in Germany, and that is where these pictures are from. Last August, I started on said mission and took my bike on the train and drove to the small German town of Schleswig. Site of the Viking age city of Haithabu aka Haddeby aka Hedeby the name fans of Vikings (the show) are probably most familiar with. So, this is part of the Open Air Museum (again, not the festival type).
Just in case anyone wanted to know, but I guess no one did, from Schleswig, I took a regional train to Flensburg, just to ride my bike across the Danish border and over to Toender (just some 50km), because apparently there is no train connection from east to west in that area of Denmark. From Toender I took the much appreciated Arriva tog to Ribe aka Ripa. It was quite the adventure in itself, but totally and absolutely worth it. I didn't make it up to Bork this time, but if we get to travel again this summer, Bork will be the next cross on the map.
Soo, who else just watched that dude on HBO Nordic's Instagram live comment for a whole episode on how it was to play our favourite psychopath/control freak/cripple?
I really enjoyed getting a few more insights into Ivar's mind according to Alex and Alex' thoughts on Vikings in general. :)
Fates Entwined, part VII: This Is Where We Fall Apart
After your former clan was brutally murdered, you agree to an arranged marriage with Ivar to keep your social status. You may not always see eye to eye and sometimes even find yourself on different sides of one war or the other, but somehow you can never escape each other no matter how much you try to forget, deny and run. Somehow you always end up in each other’s faces. Sometimes quite literally.
A/N: First of all, thank you guys for your support. I started writing this thing thinking it would be just something to entertain myself, posted on this sideblog because I thought, well, maybe somebody else finds some distraction and joy in this, but now my pretty intoverted self is overwhelmed by the feedback I got from some of you. So, thanks! Also, sorry if I forgot to tag someone or something, this is all so new to me and I get overwhelmed and it just...I get kind of fuzzy over it and forget things.
Concerning the story, this is where it gets dark. Well, you probably figured as much, because this is where Ivar canonically gets dark and starts spiralling out of control. I don’t know how the series ends yet, but I have an end for Ivar and the reader in mind. So, I try not to change too much about the series’ plot, but if I need to break from canon in the end, then I will probably do just that. Or not. Depending how it all works out. But I kind of already have parts of the ending written out and yeah, let’s see what gives.
The song I linked to this chapter is one of my favourite songs right now and I listened to it a lot while I wrote the upcoming chapters, because I love how the beginning is rather calm, but sounds freaking menancing, which is just such an Ivar-kinda-mood. Also, I could see how someone might be fed up with Ivar’s one-track-minded and self-destructive hunger to prove himself. So, yeah, sorry for that. :D
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
You bring your issues, I bring the tissues
You bring your bad news, I bring the booze
You’re so self-destructive, I’m not in the mood
I’m saying fuck this, I’ve died enough for you
This is where we fall apart
This is where I’m giving up
Blind Channel – Died Enough For You
When I woke up the next morning, Ivar had already gone. I sat up and looked around the room, smiling as I remembered last night. Then I frowned. There were things I still had to tell him, things that weren’t important last night, but he should know. As I got dressed, I heard someone at the entrance to the house.
“Y/N?” I heard Astrid’s voice coming from the door.
I fixed my dress and stepped out from behind the curtain. “Astrid. What brings you here?” I smiled at her, but she made me feel uncomfortable. Astrid didn’t like me, mostly because she didn’t know if I was loyal to Lagertha. It was interesting to see how protective she was over her, but it was also unsettling.
“Lagertha wants to see you. Right away.” She looked around the parts of the house she could see, as I already walked out into town, then she followed me.
“It must be great to have your husband back, I hope you enjoyed your reunion.” She then said to break the silence.
I smiled. “Yes, it is wonderful to have him back. But it also presents me with a challenge, because he is very unsettled by the whole situation.”
Astrid snorted. “Yeah, you could say that.” We had reached the door to the Great Hall and I entered, whereas Astrid remained outside. When my eyes got used to the half-darkness, I saw Lagertha sitting in front of the throne.
She looked up to me and smiled sadly. “It still feels weird to sit there. I still expect him to come back. It still feels like this is not my place.”
I frowned. “Oh, but the people think it is and that is most important. As long as your people support you, you have nothing to fear.”
“Not even your husband, who swore to kill me yesterday?” Her face turned serious.
It was no surprise that Ivar had threatened her, rather how fast he had done it. “Looks like he didn’t waste any time.” I quipped lightly.
“I told him, what I told you. That I did not wish to kill him. And it is true. I could use a brilliant mind like his.”
I looked at the floor and nodded my head. “So, you probably want me to talk to him. Get him to forget what you did?”
Lagertha gave a laugh. “Oh, I would, but I know now what you were talking about. He has a strength of will that knows no equal. Come here, sit with me.” She patted the ground to her side. I followed her instruction and felt a little like a dog.
“But why…what…?” Why did she call for me if not to get my husband to accept her?
Her hand found my thigh. “Be careful, Y/N. Your husband is not to be trifled with. Be careful how you tell him about our military bond. Take good care of him, maybe you can get him to calm down. But know when you are fighting a losing fight. I will not pit you against him, but I will fight him, if I have to, after all, he threatened my life.” her eyes held an enormous intensity when they met mine.
“Tell me, Lagertha, do you fear my husband?” I asked directly.
Her eyes darted from my face to the door and back, and I almost expected to be reprimanded. Then she gave a little, humorless laugh. “He is so young and so inexperienced, it is almost ridiculous, but he is unpredictable. And nothing is as dangerous as an unpredictable, angry young man. So, yes. Yes, I do fear him. But fear is no weakness; fear keeps you from underestimating people. But, Y/N, do you fear Ivar?”
I looked at the ground then back at her. Did I fear my husband? I shook my head, before I answered her. “No. No, I do not. I know he will not harm me.” He couldn’t. And he knew that he could not without consequences.
Lagertha smiled again. “Then I don’t know if you are brave or foolish. Or in love.”
My cheeks reddened and I looked at my hands. Then I looked up to Lagertha. Gave a slight nod.
She stroked my shoulder. “That is nothing to be ashamed of. Not in the least. It is a luxury many of us do not have.”
Then she stood and took a decisive breath. “Well, time to work on Kattegat’s future. There are some fortifications to be build that won’t build themselves.” And with that, she started to the door. I stayed behind for a short moment and looked at the throne. All of this drama, for a wooden chair. I shook my head and turned around, only to find Ivar linger in the doorway.
He smiled at me, but I could see that it was just a front. His thoughts were racing behind his eyes and one of them was what I was doing here.
“Ivar, good morning!” I smiled at him, my cheeks flushed.
He shook his head and smiled. “And how is that? How is this morning any good?” How was everything he said a challenge? I rolled my eyes.
“I heard you threatened to kill Lagertha, but she decided not to punish that.” I answered and I knew that was the wrong answer, but I needed him to tell me what bothered him. And making him exploed was usually the right way to know exactly where his head was at.
“She did not decide not to punish me, she cowardly rejected my challenge. But what is it to you?” His face was controlled, but his lips twitched into a snarl, as he drew closer to me. I was still sitting in front of the throne when he closed up to me.
“I owe her a debt. She gave me the military support I needed to reclaim Ripa, but I had to swear loyalty to her.”
Ivar gave a short humorless snort and cocked his head to the left. “So whose side are you going to choose when I have to kill her?” He put his finger beneath my chin and foced me to look him in the eyes. I coldly returned his stare.
“Well, how about you just turn your back on this forsaken town and come with me to Ripa? What is there left for you in Kattegat?”
“I need to avenge my mother and my father. I cannot leave this town before I have done both. This is my legacy, this is the path I need to follow. What would there be for me in Ripa?”
I looked at him and felt my eyes soften. “Me, we could rule together, we would have our own estate and you could be at its head. We could… we could be happy.” I hated how small my voice sounded at the end, how much I felt like begging him to come with me.
He dropped his hand and chuckled darkly. “Do you know what some of the last words were, some of the last words my father had for me?” Ivar didn’t wait for me to prompt him: “He told me that the whole world would know and fear me, if I used my anger wisely, that the future of our people rests in my hands. I told him that I did not want to be angry all the time, that maybe I wanted to be happy. Do you know, what he told me?”
I shook my head, worried. Ivar got closer, until I could feel his breath on my face. “He told me that happiness, happiness is nothing.”
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “Well, then good luck with your anger and your revenge.” I got up quickly and walked away, knowing that he was not coming after me and that I had lost this battle. He hadn’t told me what was on his mind, but instead I had played my cards too early. The question was, what was left here in Kattegat for me?
When I stepped out into the open, I looked at the horizon and could see a storm brewing. I thought about turning back and giving Ivar a heads up, but then again, why bother? He did what he wanted, he had proven that much. And right now was not the right moment to feel pity with him. Still, my feet stilled and I turned around. As I reached the doors to the hall, I could see him sitting in front of the throne, knife in his hands. No, this was not the right moment to interrupt him, but I knew now to be more concerned about his actions. This was why Aslaug had chosen me. To save him from himself.
I let my feet guide me and found myself at the jetties, where Margarete helped the fishermen unload their catch of the day. Without much ado, I grabbed one of the baskets filled with fish and helped her carry it to the kitchen. She smiled at me when we had carried all the fish over and sat down.
“Who would have thought that an earl helps a simple slave with her daily tasks?” she grinned.
“You seem to be in a better mood. What happened?” I asked her and tried to look happy.
“Ubbe found me and asked me if he could keep seeing me.” Her smile was radiant and she hugged me suddenly, before she realised that that was not appropriate. Then again, neither was the fact that I helped her, so I just laughed.
“So, he isn’t angry that Lagertha used you?” I asked when I had caught my breath again.
“No, he knows I had no choice in the matter.”
I smiled at her, but I felt hollow. She noticed it right away.
“Something is not right with you, what did Ivar do this time?” she shuddered as she mentioned his name.
“He swore to kill Lagertha and then I asked him to leave Kattegat behind and come with me to Ripa, but he refused.”
A worried look crossed Margarete’s face. “You will never get Ivar out of Kattegat. He dreamt of ruling this place since he was a small boy. And now that he got his taste of battle, I fear he is like a feral dog that has tasted blood for the first time.”
“Oh Margarete, how I wish that I could tell you you are wrong, but I’m afraid that you might be more correct than I want to believe.”
She smiled at me. “But you know things about your husband he does not want to be known. You can still smaller his chances at becoming king. Maybe he will come with you, if he sees that there is nothing left here for him.”
“Be careful, Margarete. Don’t do anything rash. If Ivar decides to harm you, I cannot save you.”
She gave a nod. “I know. But I don’t want you to leave.”
I smiled sadly. “Well, I won’t as long as there is hope for my husband.”
*
I heard Ragnar’s voice as clear in Ivar’s mind as I saw the vision he had. Once again, his father was about to take my husband away from me on a quest that seemed hopeless. What was it with these Lothbroks? Did they not know when to surrender? When would it ever be enough?
Ivar did not come home that night. I didn’t know where he was, but I did not go out and look for him. This was a fight I could not win, I could not challenge the ghost of his dead father that told him to make a name for himself. Deeply frustrated, I didn’t fall asleep until the morning, which was also when I realised that Björn’s forces would probably return from the Mediterranean and with them, some of Ripa’s best warriors. Warriors that still did not know about the change of allegiance in Ripa. I had to go back, if only for a short time, to get my affairs in order. So, come morning, I got on my armour and packed my belongings, saddled my horse and went looking for Lagertha.
I found her on her way to help with the fortifications and she raised her eyebrows in wonder.
“Are you leaving for a battle I know nothing about?” she quipped, in a better mood than I had anticipated after learning the fate of her husband.
“No, that is… I hope not. Ragnar…I am sure the message of his death reached you as well as his sons.”
She gave a nod, smiling sadly. “Yes, but what does that have to do with you wearing your armour?”
“Björn and Hvitserk will probably return from the Mediterranean, to avenge their father. And with them, they will bring some of Ripa’s best warriors, who still know nothing about me being their earl now. And…”
Lagertha gave an appreciative smile. “You are an intelligent leader to think ahead to events like these. Ride to Ripa, prepare the town for their arrival and get them to swear you loyalty before you have to smoke out a rebellion. But ride through Hedeby and take Ragnheiđur with you. She knows how to handle situations like these. She is good in a crisis.” Lagertha smiled.
“And Hedeby? Who will take care of Hedeby?” I asked, confused.
“I will have Torvi and Astrid take care of it while the two of you are away. Once your warriors are settled, you send Ragnheiđur back and once you want to see your husband again, you will return to Kattegat.”
“What?”
“Ivar would never leave Kattegat now. Otherwise I would have asked you to take him and leave for Ripa a while ago. But we will manage. His anger will wear him out, one day. Just make sure you are safe, you are always free to return.” She inclined her head to me and I took a half bow, before she turned away to go upon her work.
*
On my way back to the house to fetch my bags, I finally ran into Ivar. The readied horse and my packed bags had piqued his interest and stoked his anger. When he saw me, he already half raced toward me. I always forgot how quick he was on his hands.
“You are not leaving!” he roared as he approached me.
I sidestepped him then went to grab my bags. He did not expect me to just not react in any way to his anger and sat there on the ground watching me slightly dumbfounded. Then he crawled after me.
“I have business to attend in my earldom. I know, it is of no interest of you, so I will spare you the details.” As the words left my mouth, I realised just how angry I was at his stubbornness. Bags in hand, I made my way to my horse and started tying the bags to the saddle. When Ivar reached the horse, he made to tear down the bag I had just tied to my horses back, but I only swatted at his hand, impatiently.
“Stop that, you are not a child. Use words, maybe that helps.” I didn’t even look at him, but continued my preparations.
“So you are leaving, now, when I need your support more than ever?” he asked in that innocent, manipulative sing-song voice of his.
I was about to lose my patience, so I drew in a long breath, closed my eyes, then looked at him. “I will not support your suicidal quest to sail to England, declare war on Aelle, and avenge your father, if that is what you are talking about.”
He tutted and drew himself up into a standing position, taking the wall of the house as support.
“Declare war on Aelle, no, my love, you are thinking way too small. We are going to raise the greatest army this world has ever seen and declare war on the world.”
“You and which army?” I asked impatiently.
His eyes sparkled with excitement. “We talked it through last night, Ubbe, Sigurd and I. We will raise an army...”
“Do you even hear yourself talk? Ivar, your father just died in a foreign country because no one was willing to follow him there, how are you going to raise an army?” I almost laughed in his face, but I was desperate for him to see how little chance of success this plan of his held. Could he not see that?
He bared his teeth in frustration. “The name Lothbrok still means something to our people. We will gather the greatest army England and the world has ever seen and you will be by my side!”
I frowned at him. “You want me to ride into battle with you?”
“What? No! You will stay in Kattegat while me and my brothers are going to bring war to the world. But you will be here, when I return with the tales of our great battles and successes.”
I shook my head in disbelief. “Ivar, I have more pressing things to tend to. If my warriors want to support your cause, I will not keep them from following you, but I will not support you in this mad quest.”
He looked at me angrily then frowned. Suddenly, he looked very young and helpless.
“Are you… are you really leaving?” Only then did it seem to hit him and his face suddenly fell. He had never considered that I might actually leave, he had thought this a game of power.
“As I said, I have pressing matters that need addressing back in Ripa. I have responsibilities, I cannot shirk.” I looked to the ground as I said these words. I knew it was the worst possible moment for me to leave, but once Björn was here, it would be too late.
He took a step toward me, as close as the arm that supported him against the wall would let him. Then he tumbled forward. I caught him and he steadied himself against me. He was so close, but right now there were walls between us neither of us could break.
“Y/N”, he whispered, “Please don’t go. Don’t leave me alone with my thoughts.”
“Ivar, I have to go.” I pressed.
He softly touched my cheek. “Do you think there is happiness waiting for you in Ripa, when your husband is still here?” he asked, once again trying to manipulate me.
I shook my head, fighting tears. “I don’t”, I said through the lump in my throat, as I stared straight into his eyes: “But someone told me that happiness…happiness means nothing.”
His eyes widened at that, as I carefully led him toward the wall so he could support himself again.
“That was not what I meant…” he said quietly, but I already sat on the back of my horse.
“I think that was exactly what you meant. Goodbye, Ivar, may the Gods keep you in their favour while I am away.”
And with that I rode off, Ivar letting himself drop to the ground and trying to crawl after me for a moment. I could hear his frustrated howl, as I turned the corner and rode into the direction of Hedeby.
After your former clan was brutally murdered, you agree to an arranged marriage with Ivar to keep your social status. You may not always see eye to eye and sometimes even find yourself on different sides of one war or the other, but somehow you can never escape each other no matter how much you try to forget, deny and run. Somehow you always end up in each other’s faces. Sometimes quite literally.
A/N: As the fact checking goes, there actually was the possibility of mills and flour during the Viking age. I doubt that the mills in Ribe/Ripa actually date back that far, but well...
Don’t get me into the physical locations of all the Viking towns and stuff. It is incorrect in Vikings, so I don’t try to fix it now. Took me around seven hours from the German border to Ribe by bike, so I guess it would be about a day’s worth of travelling by horse. Anyhow.
There is a little teeny tiny bit of smut in the end, slightly dubcon, little fingering, little oral, nothing in the grand scheme of things, seeing that in Vikings there are people having sex and being raped all the time. I am not that comfortable with that, so, well, it is pretty vanilla.
As I will have to go back and rewatch a few episode to make sure I get the story woven into the series’ context at least a little sensibly, it might take a couple days (read: might be weeks) for me to update again. Just a heads up. I had this planned out a little differently first, but now I will probably have to wait for the series to end, so I know how to end this story.
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
On the edge of life.
After all these days are gone.
The endless haze will rise.
I close my eyes.
I'm safe from all harm.
I'm safe in a dream.I want you to stay.
I want you to be there for me.
'Cause I need your love.
I need your touch.
I long for your embrace.
Entwined - Safe In A Dream
The people of Ripa had gladly accepted me back in their town and as head of the earldom. Many of them had stories to tell of my uncle ruling them with a hand harder than necessary. I was happy to be back in my hometown at the bank of the river leading through the marshes to the sea. It was beautiful and so much calmer than the hustle and bustle in Kattegat. It was softer than the fjord-environment; there were endless marshes and fields to be farmed and the sunrises were the most beautiful I had ever seen, I was sure of that. I also loved hearing the watermills at Neder-, Mellem- and Overdammen in the inner city, producing all the flour we could wish for.
My family’s estate had been ransacked, but with the support of a few helpful hands, we were able to rebuild it pretty quickly. I knew I would have to return to Kattegat in time to be back when Ivar came home, but I also had to think of my earldom now. Ripa was the oldest town in the north, and I was proud to be its earl.
I talked with my old teacher, Ole, about setting up a council to decide over all important matters in my absence and I trusted Ole to be its head. I was more than happy when he agreed to my suggestion. He had been my teacher when I was younger, so I knew I could place the fate of my home and my people in his hands. After a couple of weeks in Ripa, when I was sure peace could and would be held up even if I went away, I gathered the shield maidens Lagertha had sent with me and we made our way back to Hedeby.
But there were no signs of Lagertha or most of the inhabitants here. The town was uncharacteristically quiet considering the amount of warriors and shield maidens that usually roamed the streets and went about their daily businesses. As we drew closer, we realised that except for a few men guarding the town and the traders, villagers and farmers, the city was empty. We rode up to the Ting house, where I expected to find Lagertha or at least someone who could tell us, what had happened. As I had thought, all we found was her secondary, a woman called Ragnheiđur. She came toward us as we neared the house and greeted us calmly.
She was an imposing woman, broad shoulders and long blond hair, even for a viking warrior she was really muscular. She was as strong as most men and you could see the silent confidence in her every move. She had grown up in Hedeby and had been taken under Lagertha’s wing when Lagertha came here. As I trusted Ole with Ripa, Lagertha trusted Ragnheiđur with Hedeby, because she knew that she wanted the best for her hometown. Astrid was the person Lagertha trusted most, but Ragnheiđur was a close second. I also had to admit that it was a compliment to Lagertha’s tactical thinking that she had left some of her best fighters in Hedeby. Firstly, they could keep foreign forces at bay and second of all, it led people to underestimate Lagertha’s real military power. I made a mental note and then frowned. It only left one question:
“Where is Lagertha?” I asked Ragnheiđur, as soon as I was within earshot.
“Well, hello to you, too. I hear you had a successful journey to your hometown, Earl of Ripa.” Even though she had just shoved my nose into my own impoliteness, she was easy to laugh and did just that.
“I am sorry, there was a lot on my mind. Hello and greetings to you, Ragnheiđur. How come you are here to greet me and not Lagertha? I wanted to thank her personally for her help.”
Ragnheiđur shook her head, but smiled. She was young, but pretty unimpressed by my impatience. She herself was not the most patient person, so she knew how to take my blunt question.
“Haven’t you heard? Lagertha is now the reigning Queen of Kattegat. She overthrew Queen Aslaug who renounced her claim on the throne.”
I was about to just turn my horse around, but Ragnheiđur stopped me.
“It is about to get dark and you probably haven’t eaten. Please come in and sit with me before you leave for Kattegat. You won’t be able to change anything anymore. What has been done, is done.”
I gave her a stern look. “What has she done?”
Ragnheiđur’s face turned sad. “You know what happened. You know why she took the opportunity while you were away. You might not have been Aslaug’s greatest fan, but Lagertha knew you would try to stop her, when she wanted to kill the Queen.” She grabbed my horse’s reigns and petted its nose. “Come in and eat. You won’t change the past by endangering yourself. Don’t forget, you are important now.” She grinned at me as she spoke those words. She was so open and easy to listen to, I didn’t think twice and followed her advice.
I got off my horse and she gave its reigns to her servant girl, who brought it into the direction of the stables. I followed her into the Ting house and the shield maidens who had followed me to Ripa entered just behind us. It would probably be the last quiet evening for a while. The last evening I would not have to talk and act politics, because Ragnheiđur already started asking me about my hometown and if it still looked like I remembered it. As dinner was served, she suddenly turned a little quieter.
“Would you mind taking the princes with you to Kattegat when you are leaving?” she then asked.
“The princes?” I asked, a little confused.
“Yes, trust me, it is a long story.” And with that she started to recount the happenings of the last weeks, clearly marking her distaste in some of the events, but who was she to question her earl? I could see how I would have to treat around Lagertha in the future, because I, too, had sworn her allegiance, just like Ragnheiđur had. When I asked her if it caused her any problems, she smiled again.
“Of course we are not always of the same opinion, but in the end, I find it easier to follow Lagertha than any other earl or queen. I know who she is, I know what she wants, she doesn’t play unnecessary games. She is a just ruler. I am also in a unique position to learn a lot from her, about leadership, about life, about making hard decisions.”
I considered her words and felt relief wash through me. Maybe I had made the right decision, even if it hurt.
*
Ragnheiđur came to wake me up the next morning. “Y/N, you want to wake up. Margarete just freed the princes and they are getting ready to leave.”
I sat up in an instant, looking straight into her dark brown eyes, as I opened mine. “Gods, Ragnheiđur, you scared me.”
She just chuckled and grinned. “Haha, sleepy head, get dressed and get yourself ready, I’ll tell the princes to wait.” She gave me another look, then she left the house.
When I got out into the broad daylight, Ubbe and Sigurd stood beside their horses, obviously frustrated by the delayed departure, but waiting for me. Or at least Ubbe was, Sigurd was flirting with Ragnheiđur as best he could. She smiled at his jokes, but I could see that she wasn’t impressed. When Ubbe saw me, his face turned darker than before.
“Oh, nice, the traitor makes her entry.”
Ragnheiđur suddenly turned to him and gave him a shove. “Hey, you don’t get to talk about her that way! She is worth more than the two of you.”
I smiled ruefully. “Thank you Ragnheiđur, but he is kind of right. I did betray my promise to his brother.”
Ubbe threw me a dark look. “You know as well as I do, that I am talking about you turning your back on my mother and leaving her defenseless.”
I snorted. “You mean like you did when you came here? Don’t try blaming that on me.”
We stared each other down for a moment, until Ragnheiđur had enough. “You wanted to leave, Ubbe, now you are free to go. Don’t make a scene, just go.”
I expressed my gratitude to Ragnheiđur and then got on my horse, waiting for the princes to do the same. When I heard the sound of their horses following me, I could feel myself relax a little. We rode in silence for the first part of the journey, until Ubbe rode up next to me. Sigurd was still behind us and he didn’t make any attempts at riding up either. He seemed to be content where he was. Ubbe on the other hand had something to say.
“So, you made a pact with Lagertha to gain her support in your attempt at overthrowing your uncle. How did that go for you?” he asked way too sweetly. I wanted to slap him.
“Fairly well for the second part. Turns out, she didn’t really want my help though, but rather to get me out of the way.”
Ubbe’s eyes fixated on me. “So, you were not a part in the battle for Kattegat?”
“No, I got injured claiming Ripa and I only came back yesterday. And that was what Lagertha had hoped for. She knew I had no trouble leaving Kattegat to her, but I would not have let her kill your mother.”
“Why would she…”
“We are pretty similar. She did not only want her home back. She wanted revenge on the woman who took it from her.”
Ubbe objected: “Our mother has not stolen anything…”
Sigurd gave a humorless laugh from behind us. “My dear brother, you of all should know that our mother is far from perfect, she is manipulative and used to getting what she wants, whatever she needs to do for it. I mean, she came back to Kattegat, pregnant with you, driving Lagertha out of her own home. She used the trouble of a girl without a family to get her crippled son married. I am more confused that Y/N would have defended her than by the fact that Lagertha would want to kill her.”
It was the first time, I actually appreciated something Sigurd had said and I looked at him with surprise. “I was indebted to her. And while it might seem unlikely, I did like her. Not very much, but more than a little.” He threw me a sceptical look.
“You do realise she only used you, do you?” he asked.
I shrugged. “I cannot claim that I have been at a disadvantage because of that. I did not like the way she went about it, but I do think that she believed herself to be kind in helping me, even if it served her own ends.”
Sigurd snorted. “You really do like our brother. How very odd.”
We rode in silence again, until Ubbe said:
“So, I hear you’re an earl now.”
I snorted. “I guess I am. But don’t tell Ivar that I am more important than him.”
Ubbe burst into laughter. And Sigurd shook his head in amusement.
“So, I guess congratulations are in order?” Sigurd said from behind us.
I shrugged. “I only claimed my rightful title. And I got my revenge.”
“Like Lagertha?” Sigurd asked again.
“No. I killed all his heirs and loyal followers as well. You don’t want to keep around people who hold a grudge against you. Look where it brought my uncle. Or your mother.”
“That is cold blooded.” Ubbe remarked and I shrugged.
“It is war. There is no place for feelings in a war.”
Sigurd frowned. “Why do I still keep on being surprised by how similarly you and Ivar are thinking?”
“Thank you.” I smirked at Sigurd.
His frown went deeper. “That was not a compliment.”
Ubbe and Sigurd turned uncharacteristically quiet. Until Sigurd piped up:
“Should I feel guilty for not really feeling grief about the loss of my mother?”
Ubbe’s face turned dark. “We do not know that Lagertha killed her! Maybe she is still alive. All we have are speculations.”
I gave a nod. “I cannot see your mother any more. But then again, I could only see her future when I touched her.”
“So, what can you see, if you cannot see what is going on in Kattegat or with our mother?” Ubbe asked.
“Your brother. I can see your brother.” I answered solemnly.
“He is sitting in a dark room somewhere in England. Your father is still with him, but Ivar is sure that they are going to kill him. He is ready to die with your father. He cannot really understand their language, so he doesn’t know what is going on and Ragnar won’t tell him much. He is afraid of losing him, now that he spent some time with him.”
Sigurd rolled his eyes. “Precious little Ivar was probably a big help for father.”
“He was. Ragnar had to carry him through the woods, yes, but Ivar helped him kill the traitors in their midst who were ready to sell them out to the English.”
“How do we know you don’t just make that up?” Ubbe asked. It was not a vicious question, just a curious one.
“You don’t. I don’t even know how I know this. But I can tell you one thing, your brother will not come back the same person after this. I am a little afraid of what the news of your mother’s death might do to him. He will need his brothers after that.”
Sigurd’s voice turned bitter. “We don’t even know if Ivar comes back and if our mother is dead. But I am quite sure that our little momma’s boy could use some harsh reality to wake up and realise the world does not revolve around him.”
“That, Sigurd, is the problem.” My voice had turned sharp. “He is aware of that and that is why he will want to create a world that revolves around him.”
“Should you be speaking about your husband in that manner?” Ubbe asked more amused than actually affronted.
I cocked an eyebrow. “Ubbe, I will do anything to prevent my husband from going on an insane quest to prove his worth to the Gods. But to keep him safe, I have to face the harsh reality of who he is and who he could turn into.”
Ubbe’s piercing blue eyes met mine. “Is he your husband or your quest?”
I shrugged. “A little bit of both. But before all else, he is my life.”
“Well, good luck with that.” I heard Sigurd whisper.
*
When we arrived back in Kattegat, I found my fears proven right. Lagertha had crowned herself queen and killed Aslaug. But there was nothing, I could do or could have done. Even if I had been in Kattegat, there would have been no chance for me or the princes to help. The people of Kattegat remembered their former leader and Ragnar’s first wife and they supported her. Nobody had liked the etheral and distant Aslaug much, whereas most people still remembered how Lagertha had helped built the foundations for Kattegat to become what it was now. I looked at Ubbe and Sigurd and I could see in their faces that they understood as well. I wondered about Margarete, but Sigurd quickly explained to me that she would be coming back to Kattegat the next morning, at least that was what Ragnheiđur had told them.
I entered the longhouse behind the two princes and watched on as they witnessed what we already had suspected; there was no way to fight Lagertha. Ubbe tried to avenge the death of his mother in a fit of rage when he saw my visions had turned reality and became even angrier when he heard that they had been quick to burn her body as well.
I had held myself in the background, because I had no reason to fight Lagertha, but after the commotion had settled and Ubbe and Sigurd had left the longhouse, Lagertha stood up and came over to me. It was no leisurely stroll, it was a prowl, she was ready to pounce and rip my throat out, if I did anything wrong.
I took a knee and bowed before her. “My queen.” I addressed her and left no doubt where my loyalties lay.
“Y/N, for a moment there, I was confused as to what to think about you appearing with the sons of Ragnar.” She remarked, making sure beyond the shadow of a doubt that I was hers.
I stood and looked at her calmly. “We had the same road to travel, so Ragnheiđur suggested we travel together. Greetings from her and Hedeby, they extend you their congratulations.”
She gave an appreciating little nod. “Thank you. So, tell me, how did your voyage out west go?”
“The earldom of Ripa also extends its congratulations and is at your service should our help be needed.” I said and beamed at her proudly. She took my shoulder and drew me into a tight hug. Even though she touched my shoulder only lightly, I cringed a little in pain. The wound had healed up well, but it still gave me some pain and aches. Lagertha’s eyes followed her hand and noted the reaction.
“I am sorry my queen, I got injured in the battle.”
“That’s a small price to pay to restore the world as it should have been in the first place. We just followed our fates. So you were able to overcome the usurper and kill him?”
“Him and his whole kin. I do not believe in misguided clemency. He tried to erase my family from the world and so I erased his.”
“You probably don’t think it wise of me to keep the sons of Aslaug around?”
I smiled at her wearily. “I am in no position to question your judgement on the matter. And I am thankful as my husband is one of them.”
She gave a nod. “I know. So be assured that unless provoked, I could never kill any son of Ragnar. Also, I know them to act before they think and that makes them less of a threat. The only one not lacking their father’s vision is Ivar, but as long as you can convince him to refrain from going after me, you must fear no harm.”
“It will be hard work, but I will do my best.”
“Surely he will listen to you.” Lagertha said and left no doubt that he better do as she said.
“You haven’t really met my husband until now, have you?” I asked her, slightly amused.
She frowned. “Well, you better find a way to appease him, because I will not spare him if he makes an attempt on my life.” There was a definitive edge to her voice that told me how serious she was.
I bowed my head and gave a nod. “I am aware of that, my queen. I am, however, also aware of the fact that he can be very impulsive and please consider that he is the youngest of the sons and had a close bond with his late mother.”
Lagertha looked at me for a long time, then she gave a nod. “I will take that into consideration”, then she smiled, more to herself than at me, “Ragnar was impulsive as well, when he was young. But well, we don’t even know if they will come back. And then Ragnar will have to…”
“Ragnar will not be coming back to Kattegat.” I told her.
Her eyes narrowed. “And how would you know that?”
“I saw it. I am not as gifted a seer as Aslaug, but Ragnar will be handed to King Aelle. And you know that there is no love lost between those two.”
“And what makes you think your husband will survive if even Ragnar had to surrender?”
I smiled at that. “You really don’t know my husband.” There was a sense of pride that came with these words. Ivar was sly. He was cunning and he was stronger than people gave him credit for. But the less she knew, the better.
She gave me a pitiful smile, but I knew, I was right.
*
I found Margarete in the kitchen the next day, preparing food for the night. She seemed slightly scared, but mostly angry. There had been no love lost between her and Queen Aslaug, but at least Aslaug hadn’t played her for a fool and used her to her own ends. She resented Lagertha for playing her.
“Can you not free me from Lagertha? I do not wish to serve her, she tricked me into deceiving Ubbe and Sigurd.”
I shook my head with a sad smile. “I am afraid not. I have yet to prove my worth to Lagertha, also, I do not have the money or the means to buy you from her.”
Margarete made an impatient gesture. “What good was your becoming an Earl, when you don’t have any power?”
I lost my patience with the girl. “Margarete! You know how to get out of this! You were already on your way to convince Ubbe to marry you.”
Margarete looked at me with wide eyes. “How do you…?”
“I know these games. A lot of slaves have slept their way to freedom. I don’t judge you for it, people have to do what they can to be free.”
“Like marry Ivar the Boneless, gain military power and overthrow their uncle?”
It sounded almost as bad as sleeping your way to freedom. Well, to be honest, had Ivar not been Ivar, it would have been exactly the same. I still smiled at her.
“And this is why I like you. We are very similar in some regards.”
Margarete took a deep breath and looked at me levelheaded.
“But Ubbe has nothing to say in whatever Lagertha does. She might very well just kill him.”
I shook my head. “He is still a son of Ragnar and that means something to the people in Kattegat. She could never kill one of them, least of them Ubbe. He looks too much like his father. So go on, take your chance. You deserve more than this. But be careful, Margarete. I cannot save you, I hold no power in this town.”
Her head bobbed in understanding. As I was about to go, she grabbed my wrist.
“Thank you. For not judging me based on what I have to do. If you ever need my help…you know where to find me.”
I smiled at her. “Just promise me to be careful.”
*
I could feel the mood change in Ivar, when Ragnar was handed to Aelle. I mostly felt it through the flare of anger being lit in Ivar’s mind. I could feel the slow burn of hatred consume most of his thoughts and cloud his mind, as he set sail to Kattegat.
I wasn’t there when Ivar’s boat landed at the harbour and when he confronted and challenged Lagertha, I had been to Hedeby for the day and as I returned, I heard people talk and chatter. And then I felt his presence in the town. It was not only his own anger that seeped through the streets, but also the people’s apprehension as they all knew that Ivar coming home to the news of his mother being dead at the hands of Lagertha did not bode well. I heard from somebody that Ivar had been escorted out of the longhouse back to his old dwellings. So, I entered our home, unsure if this even was our home anymore. I took a deep breath and pulled aside the curtain dividing his space from the main room of the house. He was sitting on the bed and his head shot up, as soon as I entered the space. An unreadable grin spread across his face, splitting it in two, making it look like a horrible grimace.
“My wife. My beautiful moon… Tell me, how is your shoulder, love?”
I quickly touched my fingers to the scar on my left shoulder and knew from the calculating look in his eyes that he knew. I closed my eyes.
“How do you know?” I asked calmly.
He snorted and tilted his head. “It’s kind of a funny story…” And with that he took the helm of his shirt and pulled it over his head, revealing a scar that looked exactly like the one I sported and that had not been there before he had left for England. “I had a dream. I got hit by an arrow while conquering Ripa, a town that I had never seen before, but now know better than I care for. I woke up screaming in agony. So… if this is true, you probably went to Ripa.”
I gave a nod. Why did I feel my cheeks burst up in red hot shame, when I had nothing to be ashamed of? “Yes, I did.” I said in a little voice that didn’t even sound like me.
“Even though you promised me to stay in Kattegat.” And there was the accusational tone, I had been waiting for.
“Well, I am here now, am I not?” I countered and felt more like myself again.
His eyes glared at me like blue flames. “But you went to Ripa and endangered yourself.” He pressed at me through clenched teeth.
“I did what I needed to do. And now I am back here for you.”
“You could have been killed!” He screamed at me, which took me aback. I knew his low growling, his mocking, his sardonic undertones, his playful threats, but never had I heard him scream like this. He sounded more like a wounded animal than angry. That surprised me the most. Ivar wasn’t only angry, Ivar was afraid.
“But I wasn’t killed, that’s what matters.” I tried to soothe him.
“No, it is not! I cannot have you traipsing around getting yourself in danger!”
He had pushed me over the edge of my empathy. “And what is it to you?! You were in England trying to get yourself killed!”
“It matters because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone! I cannot lose you!”
“But I am supposed to lose you and be fine with it? I know you are planning to go back to England!”
That took him by surprise. “I…They killed my father! I have to go back to avenge his death!”
“Exactly!!!” I screamed at him. “As did I! I also had to avenge my father’s death! So what is the big difference?”
Ivar looked at me for a moment, before he growled. “You are mine!” As an afterthought he added: “Also, it seems like I get injured if you get hurt. So, you die, I die.”
I raised my eyebrows. “But that probably works the other way around as well!”
Ivar had become quieter and quieter. Now he looked at me, eyes wide with simple fear. “So…you don’t know what is happening to us?”
I calmed down instantly. Shook my head. Looked him in the eyes. “I don’t. Your mother was the only one who might have known.”
His face fell and he shook his head. “I cannot believe that my mother and father are both dead.”
I took a step toward him, still hesitant, still not sure how he would react. He looked up to me, his eyes glinting with moisture. When I was close enough, he took my wrist. His grip was painfully hard on my skin, as he tugged me toward him. His other hand took hold of my upper arm and he pulled me down onto the bed with him. His lips found mine before I could say or do anything, the kiss forceful and possessive. He pushed me down beneath him and shoved my dress and underskirt up to my hips, pushing it further up, until he had me pinned beneath him, dress up around my waist. I felt exposed until he kissed my stomach, his hands gliding beneath the folds of the fabric to my breasts. I wanted to protest, but I couldn’t find the words.
“Ivar…”
He growled as he bit into the flesh just beneath my right breast, then kissed it.
“You are mine, Y/N, you will always be mine.”
I sighed, my hand gripping his hair that had become longer and a little shaggy. I liked it and gave it a tug.
“And you are mine, but you cannot just do with me as you please!”
Ivar looked up at me, across my upper body, his eyes like those of a feral animal.
“Then tell me you don’t want this!” he growled.
For a moment, we stared at each other, Ivar motionless above my naked lower body.
I made a frustrated sound and wriggled out of my dress all the way just to unceremoniously drop it over the edge of the bed. Ivar looked up and down my exposed body, then his eyes caught on the scar on my shoulder. He touched its twin on his own body and compared the two with wonder. I was just as fascinated by the scar he should not have, so I sat up and asked him to turn around. It really went through. Just like my shoulder, his had been pierced through, he had the same identical scar on the back of his shoulder that I had. I swallowed hard and looked into his eyes.
“Ivar…”, he looked back with concern, “I am scared.”
At that, he took me into his arms, his skin feeling comforting on mine.
“I am as well. Do you understand now why I cannot have you getting yourself in danger? I don’t want us to die. It is bad enough that I have to fight the English and risk your life.” He placed a kiss on the spot where my neck met my shoulder and I sighed.
“Let us not argue about this any more. I have missed you, my husband.”
“Well, you kept yourself busy, that much is clear.” He chuckled. “If you hadn’t broken your promise, I would be immensely proud of you, my earl.”
I kissed his jaw. “Tell me about your vision, how was it?” I asked, genuinely curious.
“If I am being honest, it scared me. Seeing you, seeing you in danger, it was bad. Father threw an empty cup at me, because I did not stop screaming.” He smiled, almost fondly.
I kissed the side of his cheek, gently tracing his cheek with my fingers, then placed a kiss on his pulse point. I could feel the life humming through his veins, the life he shared with me, and suddenly, I felt possessive, too. I nudged him down onto the furs and almost jumped him, kissing his jaw, his throat, his collarbone. Ivar dragged me onto him and was only happy when I straddled his waist. He looked up at me and his hands reached for my breasts. He kneaded them, then sat up to put his mouth around one of my nipples that already stood at attention. He softly bit down, sucked, making me moan as a shiver ran down my spine. He had talked about women with his father and he was all too eager to try his hand at some of the things his father had mentioned.
As he sucked my nipple, his hand massaged my other breast, pinched the other nipple. I took in a sharp breath.
His brothers were sleeping in the adjoining rooms, only divided from us by a curtain. I had heard Ubbe and Margarete often enough to know what positions Ubbe favoured, but I did not want the same notoriety. As I thought about that, I missed Ivars second hand drifting down and slipping in between my legs. Only when he touched me in my most sensitive spot, I gasped. He rubbed a little, moved his fingers back and forth, always gauging my reaction. He smiled when I bucked my hips forward as he touched me, before he quickly turned us around, lying above me, hand still between my legs. He kissed my lips shortly, then kissed down my midline, until he was just below my belly button. He looked up to me, as if asking permission, and when I gave a slight nod, he slipped further down, parting my legs and suddenly sucking on my clit. I almost squealed at the sensation, but bit my lip instead, my hip pressing upwards. I could feel Ivar hum appreciatively against my skin and the vibration almost drove me wild. His slight attempt at a beard didn’t look like much, but it teased me even further, when his lips explored a little further and he found my entrance. His tongue darted in and out of me a few times, making me grab at his hair. He took that as the right direction and inserted one of his fingers into me, as his lips found their way back to my clit. He pressed his tongue up against it, then licked along all the while moving his finger in me. He added a second finger, which was enough for now. He went back to sucking and his fingers fucked me faster than before, my hips meeting his pace. As his tongue once again lapped at me, my hips stuttered and in spite of my former promise to myself, I loudly moaned his name and tugged on his hair as I came.
My eyes fell closed for a moment, but when he came to rest beside me, I looked into his eyes. He beamed with pride and licked his lips. Then he kissed me with the fervour, I had missed. I could taste myself on his tongue and sighed into the kiss, making him chuckle.
“Did that feel good?” he asked mischievously.
I beamed at him and let him have the glory. “No, not good. Amazing.”
I had never seen the joy that spread across his face before, not on Ivar, and it made my heart jump a little.
“Gods, Ivar, I do love you.”
He chuckled and nuzzled his nose in the crook of my neck. But I was more interested in something else. I slowly let my hands wander across his body, felt his abdominal muscles contract beneath my fingers, until I reached the helm of his pants. I heard his breath catch, but he did not stop me, as my hand dipped into the front of his pants and touched his almost totally hardened member. My hands closed around his shaft and started to move gently back and forth and I could hear the change in Ivar’s breathing. He did feel something. His hips started to move in time with my slow strokes, became a little more demanding after a while, as I felt his prick harden a little more. He moved with me and after a while I let my finger swipe over the tip and then pump him a little faster. Ivar’s breathing became eratic until the movement of his hips stopped and he gave it one violent snap of his hips and shuddered. There was only a few driplets, but Ivar still seemed content and happy. It wasn’t much in the way of a climax, but it was more than nothing. I looked at his face a little worried.
“Did I make you feel something?” I asked him, shyly.
He smiled back at me. “You always make me feel something.” He gave me a kiss.
“No, I mean… did that… did that feel good for you?”
He sighed, then hummed contently. “Yes, yes, that felt very good. One could even say…amazing.” A cheeky grin spread across his face, when I looked at him a little outraged, and his eyes only sparkled with humour, before he kissed me again.
“Y/N, I will never have sex like other people do, but this? This was enough. For once, pain has not been the predominant thing I have felt and that means a lot.”
I smiled a little smile. “Yes?”
“Yes.” He chuckled in my ear. It was one of the most beautiful sounds in the world. It was a pity that I would not hear it for years to come.
So, I visited Ribe Viking Center this summer and it was an amazing experience. Just for reference when I mention Ripa, the old viking town that is remodeled here, in the story. This is where I imagine the narrator grew up. The pictures from the longhouse are of the reconstruction of the Hviding farm longhouse.
Anyhow, if you ever get the opportunity to visit Ribe and its viking center: do it! 😊
After your former clan was brutally murdered, you agree to an arranged marriage with Ivar to keep your social status. You may not always see eye to eye and sometimes even find yourself on different sides of one war or the other, but somehow you can never escape each other no matter how much you try to forget, deny and run. Somehow you always end up in each other’s faces. Sometimes quite literally.
A/N: Well, this chapter got longer than I expected. This story also started to develope its own flow while I was writing. I like when that happens and suddenly your story starts to drag you with it if you want to or not :D Hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing.
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Beautiful morning is breaking
Leaving us all behind
All of the gloomy faces
And all the truths we hide
Entwine – Out of You
I had forgotten, how cathartic training could be. Purging your built up anger and frustration and channeling it into movement. I hadn’t known the shield maidens before, and I knew when I arrived at their practice that they thought me a spoiled princess, maybe a lousy fighter, but most of all, they didn’t think that I would get down and dirty with them. But I did.
They had paired me up wit one of their weakest fighters in the beginning and I could see that right away. Her stance was unbalanced, the grip on her sword loose. The shield felt like a burden to her, it wasn’t an extension of her like it was with me.
I quickly moved up through the variously skilled fighters until I was welcomed to their elite. By then, I felt like my old self again. I was good, a skilled sword fighter and they could use me in their ranks. It felt good to be accepted for myself, even though I still felt some of the shield maidens eyeing me warily. And I knew why, as I could feel a familiar pair of eyes on me toward the end of the training session. I smiled as I turned to look up the small rise of the ring wall, where Ivar was sitting in the soft grass, watching us. He smiled as I walked toward him and opened his arms.
“My Sif, you are a true wonder to behold. You are as swift with your blade as you are with your tongue. And that comes from a place of awe. But tell me, how well are your skills in archery?”
I wrinkled my nose. “Not bad, but I could use a good teacher. So, if you happen to know one, send him my way.”
Ivar patted the ground next to him and I just plunked down and let myself sprawl across the grass nothing like the lady I was supposed to be. He grinned, as his hand touched my cheek.
“You happen to talk to the best of them.”
I turned my head and squinted against the sun, as I looked up to him. Margarete was right, you could mistake him for a fairy prince, he was so beautiful.
“Do I, now? That is interesting.”
“I could also teach you how to properly throw a knife.” His voice had a suggestive tone and somehow I liked that his way of flirting was telling me of all the ways he could teach me how to kill a man.
“We are a funny pair.” I grinned.
He weighed his head from side to side, then nodded. “You are probably right. But this will be what makes us successful. We are extraordinary, we are unpredictable.”
I hummed in silent agreement and closed my eyes, when he said:
“Father returned today, you missed the commotion back in the town.”
I sat up instantly. “What? What are you doing, now he is back?”
“Nothing. He is a loser. They say the Gods turned their back on him and they are probably right. And he smelled funny. The great Ragnar Lothbrok…he didn’t look that great to me.”
*
The people of Kattegat didn’t treat Ragnar too kindly. I could see that. Most of them were ready to follow Björn to discover the Mediterranean, but after Ragnar had kept the truth of what happened to the settlers in England from them, nobody trusted him and instead everybody was quick to believe that the Gods had forsaken him. When I met him, he seemed distraught, he was a man haunted by his own past. I felt pity for him, but I also understood that this was the man my husband wanted to make proud of him. This was the man, all the stories were about. And as always, the stories had become greater than the man himself. He asked his old friends for forgiveness, thanked his wife and ex-wife, he seemed to be a man determined to clear his conscience before he died, which made me nervous. I didn’t now why, but I felt like something was about to happen. Which was, why I was almost relieved when he left for Hedeby to ask Lagertha for her help in fighting the English. But then, he came back and what happened then was what had kept me on edge. I could feel the need to prove himself in Ivar. He had barely slept since his father had come to town.
Then, one night, just before the new day was dawning, I heard him crawl into our bed chamber. When I sat up, startled by the noise, he looked at me with gleeming eyes, bluer than usual. He looked so happy, so beautiful, it hurt not to be the reason for his happiness.
“Father is taking me on his raid to England.” He said and he grinned proudly.
I looked at him for a moment, my mouth agape, until I felt a tear running down my cheek. And another. I shook my head.
His eyes widened only for a moment, as he realised his mistake.
I hated to feel like this, I didn’t even know why I felt the need to cry. I had never felt the need to cry about anyone. His face became soft and he looked like he was going to cry, too.
“You promised…” I whispered.
Ivar gave a solemn nod. “I…I know. But this is it, Sif. I have to go. It is…”
I took a deep breath. “This is where our destiny is going to be decided. This is what it comes down to.”
He crawled over to me and heaved himself onto the bed and I let him. I knew I should be raging mad, I knew, I should tell him what a fool he was for following his father, but I did not have the energy to do so. Instead, I took his face in my hands.
“I should hate you for this, but I don’t. You are important to me, Ivar, I hope you know that. You might break my heart, but I love you.”
He shook off my hands only to grip my shoulders and pull me into a hard hug. I felt him shudder a few times. Then I heard his broken voice:
“I know. It is a pity our hearts break just as easily as my bones, but this is what I have to do. All my life, I wanted my father to be there and now that he is here, now that I finally get the chance to get to know him, I have to seize it.”
And I knew he was right. I could feel it like a shift in the air. The tides were turning, we were hurdling toward the great unknown. We sat there holding each other until it became light out. Ivar told me of his father’s plans, all the while I was making my own. As soon as Ivar left, I would see to my revenge. He would be gone quite awhile, I knew that. I knew that their travels would not go smoothly. It didn’t need a seer to know that, seeing the rowdy bunch Ragnar was recruiting and the ships they were supposed to be sailing on. But I also knew, he would survive. I couldn’t say how I knew, only that I knew. Maybe it was only hope. But I knew.
While Ivar was preparing to go to England, I made some preparations of my own. I did them in secret, because I knew Ivar still did not approve of me going to fight for what was mine. I was his now and he had to be enough for me. Our opinions on some matters differed greatly, and while it hadn’t posed a problem until now, it did on this one. His wife should not be stronger than him. And he hadn’t yet proven himself.
I followed them sometimes, watched them prepare, gather warriors, and dig up the treasures, Ragnar intended to bribe his men into going with him. Like a common thief, I found one of the chests Ragnar had hidden. I took enough to further my cause, but not enough for it to be noticed.
A few of my uncle’s men had arrived in Kattegat, to follow Björn to the Mediterranea, but I had managed to avoid them most of the time. When they held a sacrifice, which I would usually have to attend, I told Ivar that I was feeling unwell. He believed me, his griefstricken wife and for a moment, I felt bad for lying to him. He caressed my cheek and whispered, he’d be home as soon as he could. I hoped so, because I actually did treausure the moments I had left with him.
It was a couple of days later and I had just started on a new patterned cloth I was weaving, when Aslaug almost stumbled into the room. She looked distressed and close to tears. As she came closer, I could see that she actually had been crying.
“I had a vision, Y/N. I saw Ivar die in a storm after he left with Ragnar! I told Ivar he had to stay home, but he wouldn’t listen to me. Can you…”
When our eyes met, I could see her vision. It hurt me deeply, but I saw something in it, she didn’t see. This was not about Ivar’s literal death, the vision was about the death of the Ivar we knew. He had already started becoming who the Gods needed him to be. He channeled his strong head in ways to be more efficient in battle. He had tried to bribe a blacksmith into forging crutches for him, so he could walk. He was finding ways around his limitations. Ivar the Boneless wouldn’t be boneless much longer and this journey was one step on his path. I did not know which version of Ivar would be coming back to me, but as I touched Aslaug, I knew that I would be the only one of us who would be here to greet him. I quickly pulled back my fingers like I had been burned and as I looked at her with a frown on my face, Aslaug suddenly turned.
“I know! I won’t be around much longer. Don’t you dare tell anyone! I am still trying to find a way to get my head out of the noose.”
I took a step toward her and embraced her softly. “For all that it is worth, I am thankful I have met you, Queen Aslaug. And Ivar will live. He won’t be the same, but he will live. Sometimes our emotions just cloud the vision.”
Her cold eyes turned warm for a short moment, so short I almost missed it. “And I am thankful for the smile you put on my son’s face. He needs that.”
I gave a nod. “I will try to take care of him as best I can.”
She kissed my forehead. “It will be a long and hard journey for the two of you, but good luck.” And with that, she left.
I stood beside Aslaug on the day Ragnar and his men left. Ivar made his way to me on his new crutches and even though I had seen him practice with them a few times, the effect of my husband standing tall in front of me never ceased to amaze me. He looked down at me and smiled.
“You know, I hate to leave you here, but I want you to have this.” And with that, he gave me a kiss and let a small bracelet fall into my hands. I looked up into his eyes and smiled.
“Then part of you will stay with me.”
He sighed. “How did the Gods find you for me?”
I shrugged. “That’s why they are the Gods and we mere mortals.”
And with these words, I watched my husband try to board a ship headed for England. As so often, he stumbled, he fell, but he got back up again. I closed my eyes and took Aslaug’s hand in mine. She squeezed it once, never even looking at me.
The first nights without Ivar were cold and unsettling. Once again, I was alone in between half strangers. Also, I had dreams and visions, only I still wasn’t able to tell them apart. I saw the wide open sea before me, I was violently sick to my stomach, then a storm, the shores of a green island. Ragnar’s face, close to mine, the face of a baby, my family, me and my brother on our old estate. Then I saw the inside of a dungeon, a cage. I heard a language I did not understand. Then I was back in Kattegat, standing at the harbour, seeing a great fleet coming in. There would be lots of battles being fought over this city. It was time for me to go and fight my own.
A week after he was gone, I decided to see the Seer. But first I managed to set up a meeting with Margarete later in the day.
When I arrived at the small hut of the Seer at the outskirts of the town, I hesitated a moment before I went inside. Took a deep breath, gathered my courage. Then I went in.
He puffed out a breath. “Took you long enough to see me, though I suppose you don’t need my help to see the future.”
“No. I don’t.” I confirmed. I sat down in front of him. “But I still need guidance. I need… I need someone to help me with this…gift.”
He inhaled deeply. Then he sighed. “You may call it by its name; a curse. When I was younger, I thought it was a blessing. I thought I was being chosen by the Gods and it was a sign of their favour and therefore I was blessed. But, as it turns out, the chosen ones are the ones who have to suffer the most. Just ask your husband. He never asked to be chosen. And neither did you. But still, here you are.”
“So, it is true? Ivar will tear the world as we know it apart?”
“He will try to. But you know that already. He will achieve greatness. And he will bring on terrible times. But he will lead our people into a new era. How it ends, I don’t know. It lies in your hands.”
“In my hands? But what is my role in all of this? Why was I dragged into this?”
The Seer was quiet for a while. Then he shook his head. “I don’t know. I cannot see you or your path. It might be because your fate is still undecided. It might be because you are not a part of this, only a guide for those who are navigating these dark waters. But it might also be, because you do not come into play for a long time. There is a veil of darkness I cannot cross, a veil I do not dare to lift. It is so dark beyond that I do not wish to see any further. If this is where you take over, I do not envy you. But you will have time, all the time you need to learn to trust your skills.”
“And until then?”
“Trust the Gods and the path they laid out in front of you. Walk it. The further you go, the quicker it will take you home.”
“I don’t understand…”
“And neither do I. So go. You make me uncomfortable, you feel like the end to me.”
I hung my head in silent tribute then left his house. It was weird to enter from the twilight of the Seer’s home into the bright light of day, but I knew I had other things to take care of. First, I had promised the fishermen to help them with their nets. In my hometown, fishing had a long tradition and the women had been in charge when it came to the equipment and its upkeep, so I had started to help the fishermen in Kattegat with their nets, showed them new tricks how to fix them faster or how to make sure they wouldn’t tear as easily. It helped me to think of other things and integrate myself into the society here. Aslaug didn’t like me mixing with the common people, but then again, she had never been the kind of woman to work with her hands. She had never needed to be.
Afterwards, I made my way to the place where I was supposed to meet Margarete. She was already waiting for me at the beach a safe distance away from the town center, away from prying eyes and curious ears. It was close to the training area, but as there were only a few men left in Kattegat to protect the city, the training grounds were mostly empty. There was a reason most of the men left weren’t on one of the two raids. Ubbe and Sigurd had stayed behind, but right now they were fixing the roof of the great hall. When they weren’t out raiding, the domestic tasks caught up even to the two princes.
Still, when I arrived, Margarete was already there, looking slightly on edge. She seemed pretty nervous these days, which made me wonder what she was going through. I knew, before I had arrived, Ivar had put her through a lot, which was why there was no love left between the two of them, but I had thought she would maybe calm down once he was safely away at sea.
“Y/N! There you are. I had already begun to wonder if you’d come.”
I smiled apologetically. “Sorry. I had to help the men fix their fishing nets first. They know how to bribe me into it.” I laughed.
“Seems like you fit right in here. You are no longer the strange outsider girl you were when you arrived.” I wasn’t sure if I imagined the bitter edge to her voice.
“No, instead I am now the weird girl happily married to Ivar. Isn’t life strange?”
She chuckled. “You really like him, don’t you? Who would have thought that someone could actually like Ivar the Boneless.”
“I… I do. He can be…difficult at times, but when you get to know him, he is a kind soul that has been through bad things. He can be friendly and loving. If he wants to. And if his defenses are down. He doesn’t trust people.”
Margarete looked at me slightly amused. “You look like you love him. There is this strange sparkle in your eyes when you talk of him. But I guess this is not why we are here.”
She might act like she was a little daft sometimes, but you should never let yourself fool into thinking Margarete was stupid. She knew how to play the survival game and she knew it well, which was why I had asked her here. If you had ambitions, she knew who to ask if you wanted to further them.
“And right you are. I have to ask you for your help and advice.”
She acted surprised. “Me? How can a simple slave like me help you in any way?”
“Margarete, you know people. You know their relationships and connections. You know who to ask if you wanted to…let’s say, gather a few good warriors.”
Margarete looked like she was thinking about something. Then she just asked:
“And what would you need a few good warriors for?”
I drew closer to her and then fiercly whispered: “Reclaim what is rightfully mine.”
Her eyes went wide. “Do you have designs of Kattegat?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know how Kattegat would be rightfully mine. I have no designs when it comes to this town. But I want to free my home town from the reign of my uncle. I know that he sent his best warriors with Björn to the Mediterranean. So this is the best opportunity to strike. This is my time.”
“You sound more like a man than a woman.” Margarete said, a little insecure. “And you are not supposed to leave Kattegat, Ubbe told me so. Ivar specifically told Ubbe to have an eye on you while he is away.”
I gave a nod. “First of all, I don’t care if I sound like a man. If my brother had lived, it might have been him to reclaim the seat as the Earl of Ripa, but my uncle killed him. As he killed my whole family in cold blood. I want my revenge. I want his head on the Headmeadow of Ripa. Secondly, Ivar almost drowned in a storm and stranded in England. He won’t be back for a while. And lastly, then you just can’t tell Ubbe until I am far enough away to be back before he can stop me.”
Margarete looked at me with a sly smile. “So, it is true. You can see the future. You do have visions?”
I shrugged. “I guess so. I still cannot control them, but sometimes I see bits and pieces of Ivar’s journey. Of his future, of Kattegat’s future.”
Her face turned soft. “Do you know how Hvitserk is doing? Is he alive?”
I noticed something. “I cannot see him or Björn directly. But I know that they are going to… they will be alive later on, so I guess they are doing well enough.” I was only able to see Ivar’s future. There were only few things I had seen that did not have to do with Ivar. What a nice twist of fate. But Margarete was relieved. Knowing that Hvitserk would return was enough for her.
“There are no men left in Kattegat. Those ready to fight are guarding the town. They will not leave now. Even the elderly and the injured have gone with Ragnar. You will not have any luck in Kattegat.”
“Is there anybody else I could ask?”
Margarete’s eyes turned dark. “There’s always Lagertha. But you don’t want to cross her. She’d have you dead within minutes. Also, there is no love left between her and Aslaug. Lagertha resents her for taking away her husband and her home. And then Queen Aslaug wounded her pride by doing the sacrifice for the departing warriors alone. Lagertha was furious.”
I sighed, but I also had an idea forming in my head. Lagertha probably understood my wish for revenge. I started to think it over, when I heard Margarete.
“But, Y/N, Ivar dislikes Lagertha. He won’t be too happy.”
“Well… as I said before, he doesn’t have to know.”
Margarete looked at me like I was crazy. “If there is one thing, I’ve learned, it’s that Ivar always knows. He just knows things, he sees things. I don’t know how he does it, but Ivar always finds out.”
I smiled. “Calm down, Margarete, I know how he does it. He listens to people. He watches people. He knows things because nobody ever heeds the cripple. Nobody cares enough about him to see him. Unless he seeks their attention, people don’t pay attention to him. Ivar has his eyes and ears everywhere. He trusts in people’s need to talk about others. And you, scared as you are, would tell Ubbe about this. And Ubbe would tell Ivar. But if you don’t tell Ubbe, Ivar will never know.”
Margarete smiled slightly. “What makes you think I only tell Ubbe things because I am scared? Knowledge is an underrated currency. People don’t pay it enough mind.”
“Well, you wouldn’t rat me out to Ubbe, if you didn’t have to.”
“What makes you think that?” Margarete seemed genuinely interested.
“I am your only friend here. The other slaves, they hate you because you are sleeping with the princes. They are jealous. The viking women will never see anything but a slave in you, even if you should become a free woman, they would never see you as their equal. Ubbe, Hvitserk and Sigurd adore you, but there are a lot of things you cannot discuss with them. That leaves me. The other outsider.”
“But as you just said, you are an outsider as well. Some people fear you, others just dislike you. Many even loath you, because you are Ivar’s wife.”
“So, we need each other, don’t we?” I asked Margarete.
She seemed to think about it for a moment. Then she gave a small nod and smiled.
“It could be worse. At least you are not trying to get onto the throne of Kattegat.” There was something in her eyes in that moment that I did not like, but I decided to brush it away for the moment.
I smirked. “No, I got my own thrown to worry about. But tell me, how do I convince Lagertha to agree to something downright foolish?”
Margarete shook her head. “You don’t. She has to believe it is worth it.”
“So, how do I approach her? What is the best way to get in contact with her?”
“Well, probably Torvi. She is still in contact with her, because of Björn. I am meeting Torvi tonight, maybe you would like to come?”
I gave a nod. “Thank you Margarete. But remember, neither Ubbe, nor Sigurd can know about this.”
She smiled at me. “And they won’t.”
*
Torvi brought me and Margarete to Lagertha that same evening. They had urgent matters to discuss with Margarete, but I was not allowed inside to hear what it was all about, even though Margarete had asked for me to be present. Afterwards, as Margarete was led into a small house by Astrid, I was called into Lagertha’s home by Torvi. The two of them had been talking about private matters, but Torvi had probably told Lagertha that I had a request for her.
As I entered the room, Lagertha eyed me closely, she did not seem to trust me, that much was clear from the beginning.
“You are Ivar’s wife, aren’t you?” she asked, straightforward.
“I am. I was married to him after my family died. My mother had been a friend of Queen Aslaug once and she accepted me into their family.”
“So, you are indebted to Aslaug?” Lagertha asked.
“I would not call it that. She has made it abundantly clear that she had her own motives and reasons to get her crippled son married to me.”
“So, do you resent her for marrying you off to her crippled son?” Lagertha tried to understand how I felt about Aslaug, I realised.
“I do not. I do resent the way she did it, but I still have to be thankful for her taking me into her family.”
“Then tell me one thing: why are you here?” Lagertha asked directly.
“I wanted to ask you for a favour. I have been driven out of my home by my own uncle. He has killed my whole family and usurped my throne. I want to take back, what is rightfully mine. And right now, Ripa’s best warriors are in the Mediterranean with your son, leaving the city vulnerable to an attack. I am pretty sure the people of Ripa would welcome me back. All I need is a small force of warriors to kill my uncles and his fellow traitors who are left within the town.”
Lagertha had started to smile at some point. Her eyes glinted in the light of the fire place. “I have heard of that. I also thought they had killed each and every member of your family including you, little Ripa girl. But apparently you are harder to kill than they say.” She moved closer to me and looked deep into my eyes. It made me a little nervous, but I remained quiet as she continued: “You remind me a little of myself. We are in the same position, you and I. So I feel your pain. I do believe your home belongs to you. And I would really like to help you, but what can I expect from you in return?”
“What do you expect from me in return?” I asked, trying to keep my voice steady.
“Y/N, is your loyalty too much to ask? Once you are Earl of Ripa, you would make a formidable ally and I could use your support.”
I looked at her for a long time. If Lagertha decided to take Kattegat, I had to be on her side. I could not choose Ivar’s side and I could not stay neutral, I would have to fight with Lagertha. She knew all too well what she was asking, but then again, Ivar’s chances on the throne were pretty slim seeing that he was Ragnar’s youngest son and hadn’t I just told Margarete that I had no ambitions of taking Kattegat’s throne? I took a deep breath and quickly pleaded for a sign. Something to help me decide. Then I remembered one of the parts of my vision from our wedding. Ivar in an English city sitting in front of a chariot. Ivar would not come back to Kattegat to stay. Ivar would go back to England. I had known that all along. And if he was selfish enough to go back to England, I could be selfish enough to take back my hometown while he was away. I would be in Kattegat when he returned.
I answered Lagertha with a decisive nod. “I will be at your service if you ever need me. You can count on my support.”
It was the most selfish decision I had ever made, but I had to take what she had to offer. And I knew, were the roles reversed, Ivar would have done the same.
*
Ivar woke up in the middle of the night, screaming. He quickly looked around, but his environment had changed completely. He was no longer sitting in a longhouse at the coast of Denmark, but in a dungeon somewhere in England. His heart was racing and he felt like he had been fighting himself, but as his hand touched his left shoulder, it came away dry, not drenched in blood as he had anticipated. What had that been? It had felt like he had been there, riding toward the town, fighting off the small number of guards who were trying to hold him and the shield maidens at his side back. They were only ten, but they were good fighters. He looked at the shields they were carrying and saw that they were Lagertha’s warriors. It gave him a start. Why would he ride with Lagertha? He recognised two of the men they killed. They were his…no, not his cousins, but they were the cousins of the person he was riding…with, for a lack of a better term. It was as she had thought, all their best warriors had gone with Björn and there were only a few men actually resisting her ride into the city as they recognised her. When they arrived at the gates, they could hear a commotion, there were people fighting against each other between the people guarding the city, but not for long. The gate opened and they advanced up to the Earl’s estate with little to no defense. Only as they tried to enter the house, they had to fight for their lives. There weren’t many men guarding the Earl, but they were the best and the most loyal. He fought and he moved forward and as he finally locked eyes with his… no, her uncle, he could see the fear in his eyes. An arrow hit him, no, her, in the back of her left shoulder and as he looked down, he could see the tip pointing out of the front of her shoulder. She did not pay it any mind, instead raised her right hand and beheaded the man who had taken everything from her. As soon as he was dead, the fighting ceased. There was no point in fighting any more. She still turned around to kill the man who had shot her. After that, she sat down on the table, because it was the closest piece of furniture and she was exhausted, and broke off the tip of the arrow, trying to pull it out of the back of her shoulder. Then, a familiar face entered the room. Her old teacher. She broke into a smile, as she saw his friendly face.
“By the Gods, it’s little Y/N! She has returned!” he took her hand in his and led her out onto the market square, where he presented her to the people of Ripa. Many of them had already heard the news and cheered for her. Her old teacher raised her hand to the sky and spoke to the people:
“Greet your new Earl of Ripa, daughter of our former rightful Earl, Y/N!”
As he looked over the crowd, Ivar could feel something like vertigo. Her hand touched the wound in her shoulder and came away bloody. And then everything went black.
And Ivar had awoken screaming. He was screaming again, he was furious. How could she have done this? How could she have broken her promise?! He slammed his fist into the wall next to him and let out another frustrated scream. His wife was now the Earl of Ripa. Somewhere deep inside him, he was proud of her. But he was mostly furious that she hadn’t stayed in Kattegat with his mother as he had made her promise. Then again, he had promised her to stay in Kattegat as well, came the afterthought. Ivar acted self-righteous most of the time, but he knew that he had no right to be as furious as he was. But still, he was and he didn’t really know what to do with that emotion. Then he had to smirk. A broken promise for a broken promise, how poetic. He also knew, had it been him, he would have done the exact same thing. And suddenly he realised something else: he had just had a vision. He knew everything he had seen to be true. It excited him a little, but it scared him a lot. This was not supposed to happen, even if you were married, was it? He looked down at his shoulder and while it was not bloody, he could see that there was an angry red scar that hadn’t been there before. This was definitely not supposed to happen. He screamed again, but this time it was in confusion and fear.
Ragnar threw something at him across the room. “Why don’t you just stop with the screaming?” he murmurmed sleepily as he sat up and blinked into Ivar’s direction. Ivar could see the lines of age in his father’s face as he had never seen them before. Ragnar seemed wary and tired to the bone. It made Ivar worry. But then he shook off the thought.
“Sorry father, it is just…have you ever had a vision?”
Ragnar’s eyes grew sharper as he closely studied Ivar’s face. “Yes, a couple times. But you should ask your mother about that, she’s the seer.”
Ivar lowered his eyes and studied the floor. “I just had a vision of Y/N.”
“You mean a dream.” Ragnar smiled a patronizing smile that made Ivar slightly angry.
“No, a vision. She fought for the throne of her home town that had been taken by her uncle. She won.”
Ragnar made a face. “Good for her. I’d still say it was a dream.”
“Do dreams leave scars?”
“Do dreams…”, Ragnar shook his head and rolled his eyes. “Do I really have to tell you at this age that dreams cannot hurt you?”
Ivar crawled over to his father. “Then what is this?” he pulled his tunic collar low enough for Ragnar to see the scar.
“That is a scar.” Ragnar answered simply.
“A scar I did not have when I fell asleep. Y/N was wounded during the fight for Ripa, she was pierced through the shoulder by an arrow. Exactly where this scar just appeared.”
Ragnar frowned. “That is... I have heard of it, but it was a myth. A legend Floki once told me. It was…” Ragnar closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“What is it?”
“What has your mother done?” Ragnar asked slightly irritated.
“Nothing, it was a normal wedding ceremony. There was nothing out of the ordinary.”
“Only the two people who got married. Gods, Ivar! She bound your lives together.”
“Isn’t that what a wedding is supposed to be? A lifelong bond between to people?” Ivar asked, mostly to annoy his father.
“Yes, but not that literally! Your mother, she knew exactly who to choose. Ivar, you have no idea what this means. Not even I know what this exactly means. But your lives, they are entwined. You are two people living one life.”
Ivar laughed lightly, mostly because he didn’t know what else to do, how to react. “But surely there is a way to take this back?”
Ragnar shook his head solemnly. “The Gods have plans with the two of you. You will not be able to escape that truth.”
Ivar sighed. He had to talk to his mother, he needed to know if she knew what she had done and how to reverse it if need be. But for that, he had to get out of this filthy dungeon first.
After your former clan was brutally murdered, you agree to an arranged marriage with Ivar to keep your social status. You may not always see eye to eye and sometimes even find yourself on different sides of one war or the other, but somehow you can never escape each other no matter how much you try to forget, deny and run. Somehow you always end up in each other’s faces. Sometimes quite literally.
A/N: There are a couple of reasons why Ivar chooses the nickname “Sif”: first of all, it fits the compliment he is trying to give you in that scene as Sif is described in the prose Edda as the lovliest woman of all. Secondly, Sif is also called a prophetess and Ivar slowly starts to realise that you gained some inside into the designs of the Gods when the two of you got married. And thirdly, there is a dispute if Sif was faithful to Thor or if she had some wild adventures with Loki and maybe even Odin. And let’s be honest, in Vikings, nobody would be too surprised if a female character was being unfaithful with her husband’s brother (hey, that actually happened in the series) or his father (oh, wait, that happened as well :D ), and Ivar really doesn’t trust anyone (but who can blame the guy for that growing up in the environment he did).
Also, thanks to a @youbloodymadgenius for pointing out the reading-mistake in the part before, that happens when you leave in things to correct them later and then don’t proofread :D Some anachronisms are bound to happen, but that one was not supposed to turn up.
‘Nuff said. Here’s some cheesy everyday life. It’s probably going to be the last cutesy chapter for a while.
Open up to me
And soon our worlds become one
Spread your wings to me
In time we end up high
Entwine - Caught By Desire
I came to like Ivar; he was difficult at times and open and honest at others. Sometimes he got irritated easily, sometimes he was the picture of patience. But we talked a lot and got to know each other a litte better over the week following our wedding. Ivar was busy trying to convince Björn to take him with him to the Mediterranean, stubbornly asking every single day, but always receiving the same answer. Björn didn’t want Ivar to be killed and he would not be able to take care of Ivar during a raid. Needless to say, it frustrated Ivar to no end.
I sat on our bed, mending one of Ivar’s tunics, when he crawled into the room. I could see his frustration, anger, and exhaustion in the set of his shoulders and jaw and I inwardly gave a sigh. When he had reached the bed, he looked up at me, before he dragged himself onto its edge.
“I cannot believe him. I cannot understand why my own brother will not take me with him. It is my right, my duty as a son of Ragnar Lothbrok to go carry his name into the world. It’s selfish of Björn not to take me.”
He did not look at me, but I knew he wanted me to support his argument and agree with him, but…
“I disagree.”
His head whipped around almost instantly, but his words came slowly. “What did you just say?”
“I said, I do not agree. I do not think Björn is selfish. I know, you are a good fighter, but you will always be put on the spot. You cannot outrun a trap, you cannot keep up with with a charging army. You would be the oak leaf on Björn’s Ironside.”
“The oak leaf?” he asked.
“Do you not know the story of Siegfried, who slayed a dragon and bathed in its blood, which made his skin impenetrable? The leaf of an oak had fallen on his back and stayed there during the bath, leaving one small spot untouched by the dragon’s blood. It was here that he could still be harmed.”
“You mean to say I am weak? I am a weakness?” I could feel the anger radiating off of him. He clenched his fists so hard, I was sure his nails were digging deep into his skin, so I took his hand and made him open his palms.
“No, I do not say that you are weak. I mean to say that he would have to take care of you, make sure nothing unforseen happens to you. And he cannot take that responsibility in battle.”
“He doesn’t need to!” Ivar’s blue eyes flashed violently, then like the sky before a vicious storm they started to darken. “Even if I should die, I would go to Valhalla, so I am happy to leave.”
“Maybe you could live with that, but others don’t.”
“What are you talking about?” he asked, angry and confused by my words.
“Your mother would be devestated should you die.”
“She knows she has to let me go. We have talked about this often. She knows.”
I put the tunic aside and looked at my hands. I felt my cheeks redden a little.
“I don’t want you to die. Not yet, anyway. I like you and I would very much like to get to know you better before you get to ride into Valhalla.” My voice was quiet, thin, insecure, and I hated the sound of it, but I had Ivar’s full attention now. He touched my chin and turned my face so I looked at him. In between the anger and the frustration, there was a small smile pulling at his lips.
“You like me? Your moody, irritable husband? The one you never meant to marry?”
He seemed amused and taken aback by that confession.
I nodded. “You forgot stubborn.” I added and he laughed.
“But why?” Ivar then asked, openly vulnerable. “I am a cripple. I am… as you said, stubborn. I am not always nice. And I do things you do not approve of. I want things you don’t understand.”
“That does not mean that I cannot like you. We are different, yes, but this is as much an opportunity for each of us to grow, as it is a challenge. You are irritable and headstrong, but you are honest and never tell me lies to spare my feelings. You have moments when you take care of me, small things you do without even noticing. The way you look at me now, like I matter and you can’t believe you matter to me.”
Now it was Ivar’s turn to blush, and he looked away for a moment.
“You might be the first person who has known me for a while, who doesn’t want to kill me.” He chuckled lightly. But then he turned serious. “You actually care about me so much that you want me to stay here with you?”
I smiled and gave a nod. “I want to get to know you better. I want to spend time with you. Did you not know that?”
He shook his head. “I was not aware of that. I thought I had only been a convenient solution to your problems.” His face was still in wonder, when he suddenly clapped his hands together. “So it is decided. I will not go with Björn to the Medeterranean.”
I looked at him delighted but surprised. “Really?”
“Really.” He took my hand in his and kissed my knuckles. Then his glance fell at the tunic in my lap.
“Is that my favourite tunic? What are you doing with it?”
“I’m mending it. You tore it last time you used it. Why is that such a surprise to you?”
“I guess I still need to understand that you actually like me. It’s…kind of a new concept to me.”
I smiled at my handsome husband. “Did you know that you have the most stunning eyes I have ever seen? You are beautiful, Ivar, you really are.” I said suddenly. Once I had started blurting out the truth, I couldn’t stop.
Now he grinned. “You think?”
I grinned back and nodded. Ivar moved a little closer and looked into my eyes. Then he stroked my cheek and gave me a chaste kiss, his weight resting on the other hand. I got a little caught up in his kiss and accidentally knocked his hand aside, causing him to crush into me, taking me down onto the bed with him. Both of us laughed and he rested comfortably over me. He looked at me for a moment then he brushed some stray strands of hair out of my face and kissed me again. This time still soft, but with some fervour to it. He sighed, when our lips parted and his gaze found my eyes fairly quickly.
“Have I told you, that you are beautiful, my Sif?”
I smiled at the nickname. Sif, Thor’s wife and the loveliest of all women. Then I gently shook my head no.
“Well, you are. You really are.”
*
We fell into a comfortable companionship over the next few weeks. I did chores to make everyday life a little easier on him, he was at his best behaviour whenever he was around me and sometimes brought me small gifts. Once, he even found me some blueberries because he had noticed that I liked them a lot. But still, I started feeling restless. I had been brought up a shield maiden, not a house wife and princess. I performed nothing but simple chores and did not get to train my combat skills at all. Day by day, I started getting more and more irritable and moody, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on the problem, as I was as happy as I could be in the life I was leading now. At least, I thought I was.
It had been a simple mistake. The servant girl had accidentally spilled some water on me during dinner, as she had been startled by Hvitserk pinching her buttocks. My reaction was far from appropriate; I had jumped up and slapped her across the face before I even realised what I was doing. Everybody around the table had gone quiet and all eyes were on me, so I blushed heavily and apologised for my behaviour. Funnily enough, I heard someone chuckle on the other side of the table.
“And what do you think is so funny, Sigurd?” I asked in a voice demanding an answer. He seemed surprised at first then he just shrugged.
“Nothing, Y/N. It’s nothing.”
I slowly started walking towards him and from the corner of my eyes, I could see Ivar shifting in his chair with anticipation. Normally, I didn’t mind Sigurd, but today, I was furious. I slammed my hand on the table beside his plate, after he had turned back to his meal, clearly unconcerned about my anger. Well, he did paid attention now.
“I will not ask you again, what did you think was so funny about that?”
He looked up at me and shook his head, still a smirk on his lips. Oh, how I would have loved to punch that grin straight off his face.
“I only said to Ubbe that you and Ivar are a match made by the Gods of War. You both have a temper that is hard to contain.” Sigurd explained.
I still stared at him. “And that made you laugh? Why?”
It was Ubbe who answered this time: “Well, I never thought I’d ever meet someone as moody and irritable as Ivar. Turns out, I was wrong. That made Sigurd laugh.”
I cocked an eyebrow. “So, my temper amuses you?” I asked, still angry.
Ubbe shrugged. “Well, that and the thought of Ivar getting a taste of his own medicine.”
“Normally, I am not prone to violent outbursts like this…” I said. How did the brothers get the impression, I was ill-tempered?
Hvitserk’s eyebrows almost shot up into his hairline at that. “Oh, but you are.” He chuckled. “At first, I thought you were only trying to impress our brother, but sometimes you even win against him in arguments. It is hilarious to see him beaten at his own game, to be quite honest.”
“I do not…”
Aslaug gave a tiny cough and then quietly added: “Well, you two are pretty opinionated and loud when it comes to voicing those opinions.”
Now Ubbe, Hvitserk and Sigurd were laughing.
“You and Ivar are shouting at each other all the time. The first couple of times, we thought we had to send in people to prevent you from going at each other’s throats.” Björn added to the conversation.
I looked at Ivar, who shook his head. “No, my dear brothers, no. We are not shouting at each other, we are simply discussing matters and war strategies and…”
Hvitserk rolled his eyes. “Last night, you were arguing about the shoes you left beneath the bed but were sure Y/N had forgotten outside. Last week, there was too much salt in your food. The day before, you had forgotten to get the yarn Y/N needed. I could go on for ages.” He was clearly trying to surpress his laughter.
“And let us not forget the time you carried Ivar over the threshold on your wedding night.” Björn snickered.
“Do you not even realise you are fighting most of the time?” Sigurd asked, astonished.
“We do not fight.” I said frowning deeply.
“We argue. But we get a little passionate at that.” Ivar added.
“We know why Ivar is frustrated, but where does your aggression come from, Y/N?” Hvitserk asked.
“Is it being married to the biggest jerk among Ragnar’s sons?” Ubbe grinned.
“Could have had us all, but had to marry little Ivar.” Hvitserk chuckled.
“Shut your mouths, you idiots, you have no idea who I am and what I had to do!” I realised that there were tears in my eyes.
“Well then, who are you?” Sigurd asked simply.
I looked at him angrily, but then I heard Ivar’s voice, softer than usual:
“What is it that makes you angry? What are you missing?” I could see his own insecurity in his face. We both knew, we hadn’t had sex until now. He was afraid that he couldn’t give me what I needed. He could not, but sex was not the problem.
I walked over to him and sat down at his side. “I…I miss my old life sometimes.” I told him quietly.
All eyes were on me, as I went on: “I miss training as a shield maiden. I miss fighting. I miss my family. I want my revenge. Some day.”
Ivar looked at me for a long time. Then he gave a nonchalant flick of his wrist.
“Then go train. Fight. But you cannot leave without my permission. If I stay here in Kattegat for you, you stay here for me.”
I gave a nod. That was a big concession he made, allowing me to train with the other shield maidens and warriors. But still, I had lost a little more hope that I might one day exact my revenge.
A few hours later, we sat in our bed, not yet sleeping, when I realised, Ivar was looking at me intently, studying my facial expression.
“I never realised you were unhappy here in Kattegat.” He finally said solemnly.
My head turned quickly to him. “What?”
“I wasn’t aware you were unhappy.”
I shrugged and leaned into him. It came easily to me these days. “Neither did I. I thought I was quite happy. But sometimes life surprises you.”
He put his arms around me and smiled down at me. “You are usually happy here?”
I smiled. “It beats being alone somewhere without a place to call home. Yes, I miss my old life and I hate the people who destroyed it, but I am as happy as I can imagine here.”
“What exactly happened?” he then asked softly. I still hadn’t told him. “You promised you’d tell me one day.”
I swallowed against the lump in my throat and stared straight ahead at the wall. I was afraid, I’d burst into tears if I looked at Ivar.
“You…you know that my father was an Earl at the coast of Jutland and he married my mother, who had been a famous shield maiden and friend to Aslaug. Together, they built a loyal community and a nice little fortune. Their earldom grew and thrived through the years, the lands brought good crops, the sea provided enough fish, and everybody was living well. I was treated like a princess by our people and our lives were joyful. I was growing up and I found a warrior my father approved of and we were supposed to get married after the summer.
However, my uncle had not been that lucky. His lands had fallen barren and he blamed my father for his misfortune. My father took him in, but behind closed doors, my uncle became jealous and started to build an army to overthrow my father and his supporters. After Midsommar, they killed my father and his most loyal supporters in their sleep. Everybody else they gave a choice: follow them and live or renounce them and die. Within a couple of hours, my life was torn apart, my family dead, my former betrothed had chosen my uncles side. Of course, I would never follow somebody who had killed my family, but for some reason he let me live.”
Ivar shook his head. “So, your uncle killed all your people?”
I had fought my tears until now, but now my feelings broke their way through the façade. I gave a nod and sniffed, brushing the tears away. “Yes, everybody who would not bow to him. From my parents to my helpless little brother.”
Ivar’s brows furrowed. “Then why did he spare you?”
I shrugged. “It’s not like he told me. I just know he had the chance, but instead he held me captive.”
I looked at Ivar, who had this annoying, all-knowing smirk on his face. “I have a theory; he intended to marry you to make his claim to the throne legitimate.”
My eyes widened, I hadn’t thought of this. But of course, Ivar’s tactically thinking head had seen right through it.
“But how did you get to Kattegat? Did he let you go or did you flee?”
I shrugged. “I ran away in the night. They didn’t guard me too heavily.”
“What does ‘not heavily’ mean?” Ivar chuckled.
“I had to kill three guards. But after that it was quite easy to find a horse and some food.” I shrugged.
Now Ivar burst into laughter. “My wife, my gorgeous, deadly wife just walked out of imprisonment by killing three guards. And you probably didn’t even break a sweat, did you?”
“They were sleeping on the job. It was easy, they never saw me coming.”
“Remind me to never leave any weapons out when you’re angry, Sif.” He laughed.
I turned serious almost immediately. “I could never kill you, Ivar.” I knew about our bond. Our lives were entangled by now and I wasn’t sure if one would survive the other’s death. I also knew what it felt like to be betrayed by someone you loved.
Ivar looked at me, his interest spiked. “You know more about the future than you want to share with me, don’t you?”
I shrugged again. “I know very little of the way things will turn out.” I evaded his question.
But Ivar wasn’t fooled easily. “But you have seen things. You know things.”
“I know about things that might be, or not. I saw short scenes, but I am not a seer. I don’t know if they will come to pass. I saw them when we got married.”
“Have you seen the future before?” he asked, now seriously curious.
I shook my head. “No, never. I have never had visions or dreams. I have always been most ordinary.”
“Until now.”
I gave a nod. There was only one thing that had changed. I shook my head in confusion.
“I am not quite sure what it is with your family, but the Gods have plans for you.”
Ivar gave me a contemplating look. “Yes. I know. The question is; which role are you going to play in this ever changing game?” his voice had a slight edge to it that told me to be careful now.
I drew in a sharp breath. “What do you mean?”
He shook his head and tutted at me with a sad smile. “Don’t act as if you don’t know. You know as well as I do that by now, someone will have told you. Or you have thought of it by yourself. I am… I am not a real man. I will never father a child. I will never be able to satisfy your…cravings or fulfill all of your needs.” he spat out.
I met his gaze head-on. “I do know. But who says, I have ‘cravings’?”
“Don’t you all?” he asked back. “All of you…women?”
I shrugged. “Not just like that. We’re not animals.”
“So, you wouldn’t just…say, run off and shag my brother?”
I looked at Ivar evenly. No need to act shocked or annoyed. “No. Why would I? I am your wife. And I can keep my urges in check. Also… your brothers are jerks.”
Ivar smiled a little at that. Then he became serious again. “We need to find a way to keep people from waiting for an heir too soon. But I will need an heir someday.”
“Is there no way…?” I asked, trailing off, but looking at him questioningly.
Ivar just snorted. “I wish there was. I will probably have to ask you to go to bed with another man at some point.”
I swallowed hard. “If it has to be done…”
He looked at me with something like admiration. But there was an underlying slyness to it, I didn’t like. “You would do that for me?” he asked.
I sensed a trap. “Only if you ever asked. Only for you and by your bidding.”
Ivar chuckled. “My clever, selfless princess. I have really come to like you, you keep me on my toes.”
I grinned. “Likewise. Never a dull day with you.”
“I take that as a compliment.”
“As well you should, Ivar. I could never be with a man who doesn’t challenge me intellectually. I do not care about these other needs as much as I care about intellectual companionship.”
Ivar took my hand in between his and looked down onto them. With a small smile, he looked up at me. Shook his head and chuckled. Then he drew closer and kissed me, burrying me beneath him. He sighed into my mouth and and hugged me tight. “How do you always know what to say?” he asked breathlessly. Maybe he didn’t get aroused by it as other men did, but he still enjoyed the closeness and the familiarity it created. He softly carressed my cheek as he drew his body to fully cover mine. And then I could suddenly feel him against my thigh. Half-limp, but not all soft. I immediately looked up at Ivar with astonishment. He noticed and realised what I was excited about, then turned red and nervous and suddenly it was all over. I made a mental note that there was still some hope. Ivar, on the other hand, was upset. He rolled off of me and turned his back to me in shame. His body curled in on itself and he stayed silent. I just lay there beside him and didn’t quite know how to save the situation, which was when I decided to take one of the largest steps into this deep, dark ocean that was our marriage.
I slid closer toward him, hands shaking, and started to scratch his neck. He liked that, I had noticed as much. He was tense at first then started to relax a little. And in the end, I just hugged him from behind and pressed his back to my chest, burrying my face in the space between his shoulder blades. For a moment, I wasn’t sure if he’d push me away, but in the end, I could feel him exhale deeply and take my hand in his.
“Y/N”, he whispered, “I am sorry.”
I shook my head and shushed him. “Don’t be. Right now, the Gods have other plans for you. They need you to concentrate on what lies ahead. They cannot have you think about your children.”
I felt him shake slightly. “How do you know that?”
“I just do. There is something coming and I don’t know what. But I know it will bring challenges and changes.”
“But we…will we stay the same?”
Now I chuckled. “We hardly will, we haven’t even found out who we are and how we should treat each other.”
Ivar went silent. It was a thoughtful silence and in the end he emerged with a sentiment:
“I have grown fond of you. Maybe I even love you, my future queen. I don’t want you to ever leave my side.”
“Well”, I quipped, “I will have to leave for practice tomorrow morning. Torvi promised to take me with her.”
He turned his head, so I could see his smile. “You know what I was talking about.”
“I do, don’t I?” I grinned and gave him a peck on the cheek. “Just promise me one thing, Ivar: Don’t go, where I can’t follow.”
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