Shape nd. innovate

[kayleighcleaver]

Experiences

I have experienced some horrible things in my time, one experience as a girl I will never forget, it changed me forever, ripped me out of my body and gave me the ability to see true suffering, true pain. How cliche, but I was blind until this day and then I saw, saw more than my small insignificant body could manage. After the years of learning to live in turmoil and suffering, I can now see it as a gift because I can empathise in ways I never could’ve before. I see pain like I didn’t before as well as love and joy and hurt. I feel too much, because unlike many people I was left alone with this pain inside of me for so long getting to know it, understanding it, listening to it and until eventually I learnt to let it go. I felt a darkness leave, I know it’s not gone forever, but for now I am good. What was born out of this was the ability to see someone else’s suffering, turmoil and pain and if I can see it then I have the ability to try and change it.

[kayleighcleaver]

[mingdliu-deactivated20210422]

Looking back on my past days, it’s really opened up my eyes; I treated myself like shit, as if I was a garbage can ingesting the leftovers of everyone’s love.

I tried to hunt men who preyed on victims like me for breakfast; I tried to feast on their nonexistent love the way they have me for a snack. They would tell me to walk away, and I’d still be gripping onto their knees, begging them to let me stay. I’d laugh at their jokes, even if I was the one they made fun of to their friends. And time after time, I would let them step on me, even after I complained about the bruises. It was as if the many times they cut me and left their scars, I still wanted them to touch me no matter how hot their fingers burned.

I’m sorry. I am so sorry I let those men touch you as if they were worthy of doing so; with hands held by Satan, and I pretended they were dipped in holy water. I’m sorry I let them find a way into your heart without seeking their true intentions first, how they dug a hole into your soul just to do so and walked away as if they weren’t the culprit. I’m sorry I had let them make you feel as if you weren’t good enough, and I’m sorry I let you believe that for so long. They came, took what they wanted at the moment, and left without an apology or goodbye; they gave nothing nor offered anything in return. 

I’m sorry I let those people in, just to have you shut yourself out.

[kayleighcleaver]

Love this

[kayleighcleaver]

[kayleighcleaver]

Last day of freedom

I’m starting my training programme Saturday. So Friday is my last day of freedom and relaxation before the hard work and real fun begins. I’m actually readying myself for it. My first comp is going to be in May next year in Milton Keynes UK, it seems like the end of an era and the start of something new. Funnily enough my ex partner is based in Milton Keynes and he planted the seed in my head it’s a few years on by the time it comes to fruition and for me it symbolises that maybe that’s all he was there for, to put me on a path. It seems like a nice way to wrap things up. I’m nervous but at least it will give me something to focus on to be able to keep my mind off of him. He creeps in every thought recently and it’s driving me nuts! Just doing what I can to survive it. 💪🏻💪🏻

[kayleighcleaver]

I am awake... always

Fml

[kayleighcleaver]

[kayleighcleaver]

Haven’t posted in a while

So I haven’t posted in a while. Tumblr was a painful reminder of a time in a previous relationship that meant dis-trust and betrayal because it was used by my ex as a platform to talk to other women...and Facebook and Twitter and god knows what else!, just looking at the logo made me feel physically sick. I have only just started to get my life back on track and I’m getting back to my old self. It’s been hard and there aren’t many avenues or people who I can talk to that understand. Tumblr has always been like a diary to me simply because no one I know uses it. A lot of the problems I was suffering with are starting to disappear and I’m laughing and singing and being my stupid funny self. It’s amazing how people can change you. I don’t think I’ll be really ready to love or move on anytime soon, but a single girl can have some fun in the process ;-)

[kayleighcleaver]

Tired

Emotions are tiresome, they don't let you rest, there's no shut off, wind down, hiding from them, they follow you like a shadow. I am suffering and all I know is to close myself off from the world, from him. Emotional distance is what I need now, because I am tired, distancing myself from any emotional connection we once had, because I am tired of feeling. I am to turn myself off so much that I no longer feel... I feel... everything and nothing.

[kayleighcleaver]

Luncheon yesterday, kidney beans, chicken, green beans, spinach, pepper #weightloss #healthyfood #healthycarbs #healthyrecipes #healthyfoodporn #healthyeating #diet #dietfood #mealprep

[kayleighcleaver]

No where and no one is safe

Feeling trapped in my head with no outlet because of peeping eyes and ears to close to my heart, I’m accessible everywhere and maybe I shouldn’t care. It’s my space here. So hear.

[prom-ising]

[kayleighcleaver]

[kayleighcleaver]

[kayleighcleaver]

[kayleighcleaver]

[kayleighcleaver]

Gainnnnns baby!!