hey so just a quick reminder to all the subs out there:
youre there to please your dom just as much as theyre there to please you. and not in the sense of “oh of course i wanna please them. im here to serve” or whatever
like
check in on their needs
make sure youre on the same page. go out of your way to make sure they’re getting what they want out of things too. ive seen so many doms just kind of resign themselves to pleasing pushy subs who only want to satisfy their doms in the most superficial of ways. folks in top-coded roles are still human
doms deserve to feel loved and secure and safe
sadists deserve to get support and reassurance
everyone deserves aftercare
being dominant can be every bit as draining as being dominated. and doms often find themselves much more easily boxed in positions where they are expected to just capitulate rather than collaborate because “theyre the one with the power”.
doms are people with needs, even if those needs are colored with a veneer of control. it is your job as their sub to make sure those needs are being met too.
anyways, thanks for hearing me out on this one. everyone go kiss your closest dom and let them know how lovely they are and how proud you are of them.
(oh also quick bonus request. dont box someone into topping or domming for you just because theyre big or string or hung or whatever. that shits lame)
oh also quick addition while im at it. theres definitely this unspoken tradeoff in the top-coded (top, dom, pred, etc.) versus bottom-coded (bottom, sub, prey, etc.) dichotomy that is so incredibly pervasive and insidiously problematic. on both ends. and its all based on the assumption that doms and subs are internally what their roles imply they are.
in being seen as lacking autonomy, sub-coded folks are described as pure, innocent, sweet and good. but in return, they are infantilized and demeaned. think about all the times youve heard someone pejoratively refer to someone as a bottom. youve almost certainly done it yourself. its such a common teasing insult and thats so weird.
meanwhile tops are seen as competent and strong, as their roles would imply. but in return, doms are cast as aggressors. as evil. as manipulative and nasty.
these are all awful things to immediately ascribe to someone who is trying to get pleasure from sex, the same as everyone else. some of the sweetest, kindest, most caring people i know are dominant sadists. some of the most competent people i know are pillow princesses. it feels so vile and reductive to just distill people based on what they do in bed.
oh and one more thing while we're on the topic of typecasting based on sexual preferences, a quick reminder that
your kinks are not a reflection of your morality or your fundamental goodness
this is a huge part of the reason that doms seem to get all those icky adjectives. the fact that doms want to express their sexual desires through things like inflicting pain or cnc does not make them dangerous. it does not make them rapists. i have seen way too many people kinkshame specifically the dominant aspect of a kink, especially in BDSM.
i hate to break it to folks, but sex isnt real life. it is controlled, discussed and planned. there are agreements and there is trust built. a large part of being a dom is making sure that you arent going too far. that you arent *really* hurting anyone. everything is consensual. that everyone still feels safe and cared (which can be really draining, especially as things get really intense).
ive seen a ton of folks exclusively shame the dom aspects of kinks. like i dont know why it needs to be spelled out, but for every sub who wants to be hurt, that only works if theres a dom on the other end. subs cant do cnc on themselves. none of it functions without both parties present. sex and kink are team sports and im tired of doms being the only ones seen as depraved for expressions that go both ways.
alright thats it for real this time. go ahead and kiss your closest dom again. give em a big ol squeeze and tell em something nice for me.
