no one ever talks about gimli being not even slightly tempted by the ring. motherfucker had no hesitation just walked up with his axe and immediately tried to wreck it. obviously that didn’t work but like, the ring had zero visible effect on him. amazing... gold sickness in the line of durin WHOMST?? not in gimli son of gloin
ok so the other day i was at sears. I was in the baby section. Im standing there looking at clothes and a lady who works there comes up and is like “oh are you expecting?” And i was like “uhhhh” and because im a dumbass i was like “no i already delivered.” And she was like “How long ago?” And i was just like “two weeks.” And she said “wow! You look great! When i had my first son, i looked like a mess for six months. Is it a boy or a girl?” And i was just awkwardly like “a girl….” And she asked her name and i said Chernobyl and she was like “oh what a cute name! It sounds really familiar.” And i honestly just stood there going through all that and pretending i had a human baby two weeks ago named Chernobyl because i didnt wanna tell this poor lady i was buying baby clothes for my fucking baby opossum
Summary: The search for a new massage therapist takes a turn when you accidentally throw your phone full of porn at his feet.
Pairing: Thor Odinson x Fem!Reader | Word Count: 7881
Warnings: language, NSFW, smut
When parts of your body which weren’t supposed to hurt had begun to seize up and ache, you knew it was time. Time to bite the bullet and find a new massage therapist. Finding a new therapist though, someone who was good enough to fix your aches but not so rough they hurt you, was like trying to find a needle in a haystack.
Your longtime therapist and friend had recently retired after ten years in the industry, and though you didn’t begrudge her the rest, you did hate her just a little for forcing you to begin the search to find someone new. It had taken ages to find her, one bad massage after another nearly making you give up until you’d stumbled upon her small clinic and instantly clicked. Clicking and being friendly was one thing, but when she’d also proven to be a magician at muscle manipulation, it was like the angels sang.
Now, here you were, on the hunt again and only a little bitter about it.
Knowing it was likely going to be a long hunt and a lot of crappy massages to find what you needed, you pulled up Google and did a search for clinics in the area.
This is funny and I'm so glad tiktok exists, but I want to emphasize to everyone that, IN FACT, your 30s will be better than your 20s.
Your 30s will be better than your 20s.
ESPECIALLY for those of you who are queer, neurodivegent, mentally ill, or grew up in conservative areas/toxic households. And even if none of those apply to you, your 30s are still almost certainly gonna be better than your 30s. Bc the thing is, you are still hitting major developmental milestones in your 20s. Which means you spend your 20s doing a lot of unacknowledged mental, emotional, and social growth. And make no mistake--that is an INVESTMENT, an investment of time &, effort. And in a few years, once you get into your 30s, the returns on that investment are gonna start really shining through.
I know a lot of us are stressed bc of this idea we've inherited from baby boomers of what we're supposed to accomplish in our 20s. The thing is, that idea--a private home, a career, a life partner--is no longer realistic for most 20 somethings, if it ever was. For so many of us, our 20s are for recovery. Let me reiterate:
Your 20s are for growth and recovery
We are an exceptionally traumatized generation suffering the consequences of back-to-back-to-back economic crises. Throw your parents' expectations into trashcan. Throw the internalized pressure and self-criticism in there with it. You are doing enough. You are losing nothing by approaching your 30s (except hopefully some emotional baggage/old coping mechanisms you've replaced w/ healthier things).
Oh, and all the adults/media who implied your value was in being "young and lovely?" They just wanted to exploit your lack of experience. Throw that mindset in the trash & keep moving forward towards a life you will love & enjoy for DECADES 💕💕🔫
I love the idea that the reason Sam and Bucky are walking down that giant country road is entirely because Bucky refused to be carried.
Could have been faster, could have been easier to just have Sam pick up his ancient ass and fly them to their destination. But Bucky was like "... yeah, no. I'm gonna walk." Entirely expecting Sam to just fly ahead and leave him behind.
And Sam was like, "Okay, hot shot. You wanna walk? We're gonna walk. And you get to enjoy the presence of my company the entire way."
And Bucky immediately regrets his decision and every moment leading up to this exact interaction with Samuel Thomas Wilson.
Warnings: none. Fluff? Pairing: peter parker x you Summary/Request: 1) Hey, can I request a Peter Parker imagine with that reader with the “sleep voice” powers? Where maybe the Avengers bet Peter (and/or maybe even the reader challenges him herself) that he can’t put the reader to sleep but he actually manages to succeed somehow? And the reader ends up falling asleep in his arms (reluctantly but not unwillingly, because that would be kind of weird)? Thanks love ❤ 2) Are you making a part 2 to “Spidey’s adventures in babysitting?” If not, could I request it? (The reader’s powers are really cool, too!)
A/N: this can be read as part 2 to “Spideys Adevntures In Babysitting” its about the reader (you) having superpowers that when you sing you can make people fall asleep or if you want, you can kill them by singing.
*•*•*• •*•*•*
(you can use the tag spideys adventures in babysitting to find part 1)
“Don’t you dare eat that Pete.” You whirled around to find Peter’s hand around one of your famous Christmas cookies, it was halfway between the plate of cookies and his mouth.
He looked at you with wide eyes, but refused to move. “Its just a cookie Y/n.”
You squinted your eyes and started humming a classic Christmas song. He immediately dropped the cookie and put his hand in his ears. “Lalalalalala! Im not listening! Y/N I’M SORRY I WONT DO IT AGAIN!”
In reality you weren’t even using enough of your power to put him to sleep. But hey, Peter didn’t need to know that.
You chuckled and stopped humming. “Listen the first time Parker. These cookies are for all of the avengers. So just wait until I give everyone some.” Peter groaned and sat on one of the many bar stool chairs around the kitchen.
“Not even one?” He was pouting adorably, almost causing you to give in. But with a quick shake of your head he grumbled unhappily under his breath.
FRIDAY interrupted Peters complaints. “Y/n and Mr. Parker, Mr. Stark is asking for your presence in the main living room.“ You and Pete both looked at each other with questioning glances.
“Alright thanks FRIDAY, tell him we’ll be there in a minute.” You packed away all of the cookies and walked towards the elevator waiting for Peter to catch up.
He took a last lingering look at the cookies before he joined you in the elevator.
Once you both entered the living room, you raised an eyebrow at all of the avengers.
Well, almost all of them. Bruce, Sam, Thor, Vision and Clint weren’t there. Thor was in Asgard, Clint was at his farm with his family. And Bruce was with Sam and Vision doing charity work for kids in adoptive homes.
But the ones who were there, were all sitting in the living room looking suspicious.
"What do you want?” You asked, narrowing your eyes.
Steve grinned at Tony while Wanda, Natasha, and Bucky looked at each other with amused expressions.
“I have a bet.” Tony explained. “The bet is between me and the old man-“
Steve gave a huff. "I’m not old Tony.”
With barely a glance Tony shrugged “Sure whatever. Anyway, I bet lil spider boy here can’t put you to sleep. Captain no fun here thinks Peter can.”
You couldn’t help but burst out laughing. “You- you think Pete-Peter can make me-fall asleep?” You were gasping for air after every laugh.
“Sure,” Steve shrugged. Glancing at Peter he smiled lightly. “I don’t see why not.”
“Um, maybe because her power is to make people fall asleep? Thats like trying to beat Mr. Stark at Monopoly!” Peter looked at Tony wearily, remembering the last Avengers family game night™️.
(Lets just say that ended with a victorious Tony Stark. And everyone else with crushed spirits.)
Bucky chuckled and winked at Y/n. “I bet he can y/n/n.” You scoffed.
“Fine.” Crossing you arms you looked at Tony and Steve. “ I bet that Pete can’t too. What will the winner get if they win?”
Rubbing his hands together Tony smirked, “Now we’re talking. Alright, if Peter can put you to sleep…”
“He gets to take Y/n out on a date.” Natasha nonchalantly commented.
Everyone went silent and whipped their heads to look at Nat.
“What?” She raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow. “We all know he has-”
“Oookay” Wanda used her power to make Natasha close her mouth. Peter’s face turned red as everyone stared at him. He awkwardly shuffled his feet, avoiding your curious gaze.
Wanda titled her head to the side, looking like a puppy. “ Oh! If Y/n doesn’t fall asleep by midnight tonight, then she and Tony get to pick Steve and Buckys outfits for Starks Christmas party. Sound good?”
Steve looked alarmed at the stakes, he knew Tony would definitely pick an inappropriate outfit for him and buck to wear. And Y/n… Well, she’d probably pick a really embarrassing outfit.
While Steve was rethinking this bet, Bucky stood up and was already shaking your hand. “Its a deal Y/n. Good luck.”
You smirked “You too Barnes. You’ll need it.”
Already thinking of outfits for the super soldiers, you glided away. Confident that you’ll win.
Peter on the other hand was having a mini panic attack. How in the world would he make you fall asleep? Bucky clapped Peter on the shoulder almost making him fall. “You better win spider boy. I’m not looking forward to wearing anything Stark wants.”
Practically trembling Peter nodded his head.
Looks of sympathy were given to Peter by Wanda Steve and Natasha. And glares were given to Bucky for purposely intimidating the shaking teen.
Oh boy. He was screwed.
*•*•*• •*•*•*
Since it was Christmas Eve, you were making even more cookies than normal.
On Christmas day you liked to go to homeless shelters and old folks homes to pass out the extra cookies you made.
Slightly swaying your hips to the Christmas music you asked FRIDAY to put on earlier, you hummed along.
The timer on the oven went off, letting you know your latest batch of cookies were done. “Alright alright. I’m coming.”
After putting the cookies on a cooling rack, you started decorating the avenger shaped cookies.
All of a sudden, there was a longer than usual pause in the music. Causing you to jump when soft lullaby music flowed through the speakers.
After rolling your eyes you looked around, “Peter. If this is you trying to get me to fall asleep, its a pathetic attempt.”
There was a deep sigh before he spoke “FRIDAY, you can turn on her Christmas music again.”
As Carol of the bells played over the speakers you playfully glared at your best friend. “I know I know.” He brought his hands up. “It was a long shot Y/n. But I had to try something! The hot chocolate with the sleeping powder didn’t work.”
Glaring at Peter you chuckled “Yeah, well maybe thats because I’m a highly trained agent and Avenger thats not stupid. I’ve been trained to know when drugs or sleeping power is in food or drinks. Come on Pete, step up your game.”
He sighed yet again. “Fine. Oh by the way, I left you an early Christmas present on your bed.”
You smiled at him before turning around to continue decorating the cookies.
There was an whoosh sound behind you followed by quick footsteps.
You didn’t think anything of it, until you heard him giggle. “PETER PARKER WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT STEALING THE COOKIES!!!” All you got was a chuckle in response.
*•*•*• •*•*•*
“Y/n, Captain Rogers requested for you to come down to the main floor for the Avengers bonding movie-night.” You had just gotten out of a bubble bath.
Apparently Peters early Christmas present was a box of bubble bath soap, facial creams, your favorite chocolate, and scented candles.
Which all made a very relaxing bubble bath. You’d have to remember to thank him later.
“Alright Fri, tell them I’ll be down in five minutes.” Quickly drying your hair with a towel, you got dressed in matching Christmas pajamas and fuzzy socks.
All gifts from Bruce and Clint before they left.
Practically racing down the hallways, you entered the living room to see everyone with blankets and popcorn.
The Christmas tree was glowing brightly with the fireplace giving off a toasty feel.
Wanda was curled up next to Pietro on a sofa, Steve was sitting on the floor with Bucky, and Natasha was on one side of the couch while Tony was in a recliner. There was only one spot left, and that was on the left of Peter.
You smiled as everyone greeted you with short hellos.
Playfully glaring at a smiling Peter, you commanded “Move your leg Spidey.” He took up two couch cushion, resting his feet comfortably on the middle one.
Peter groaned but that turned into an “Oof” when you sat on his legs. “Move or you will be moved Parker.”
He grinned at you, “Fine Y/n.” He scooted over and handed you part of his warm blanket, causing you to curl up by his side.
The avengers had already started the movie. Home alone you think? But really you were too busy blushing about the way Peter’s arm was wrapped around your shoulders.
He leaned his head near you ear, his breath tickling your skin “Enjoy your relaxing bath?” You hummed in agreement and snuggled even closer to him, causing him to smile. “Glad you liked your present.”
As the movie continued, you constantly fought sleep.
The comfort from Peter and the warm blanket made you want to close your eyes. Maybe for just a second or two.
Plus the soft lull of Christmas music the movie provided and a full stomach from the chocolate Peter gave you earlier weren’t helping you stay awake. All these things made your eyes flutter shut until you were fast asleep.
When the movie ended and you didn’t get up, Peter gazed down at your peaceful face.
He couldn’t get up without waking you but he didn’t wan t to leave your side- it was just Tony’s cold glare that made him squirm.
He smiled softly as you pulled him even closer to your body. He couldn’t imagine how you could get any cuter.
"Well would ya look at that.” Bucky was watching Peter lay his head on top of yours. With a smirk at Tony he chuckled lightly. “Looks like I get to wear what i want to the party tomorrow.”
Tony scoffed shaking his head. Man, he really wanted to see Barnes in a ill-fitting elf costume.
“Yeah, yeah. Well at least Spidey gots game.” He pointedly looked at Steve and Bucky. “Unlike some people I know.”
“I recommend you take her ice skating Peter.“ With a wink at the blushing boy Tony dramatically left the room.
Bucky and Steve both gave Tony’s back a glare.
Steve smiled at Peter, before lightly kissing his “daughter’s” forehead. Y/n smiled softly in her sleep at the touch. Almost like she sensed her father figures prescence.
Bucky patted Steve on the back before they both walked to their separate rooms.
Natahsa told Peter and Wanda goodnight before she too went to bed. Although on the way she couldn’t stop smiling, glad her plan to get you and Peter on a date worked.
Isn’t manipulation fun?
Peter sighed contently as you turned over in your sleep.
He turned his head slightly to see Wanda using her powers to get a few of your cookies.
He raised an eyebrow at her, when she noticed him she smiled and shrugged. "I will give you some too if you don’t tell y/n.”
Eagerly nodding Peter practically squealed when a red tendril of Wanda’s magic tossed two cookies into his hand. “Thanks Wands.”
She giggled as she walked away. “Good luck on your date Parker.”
Right as she was about to turn the corner she looked over her shoulder. “Oh, and Merry Christmas.”
Through a mouthful of cookies Peter mumbled out “Merry Christmas!”
In Peters mind, two great things happened today.
One, he got a date with you.
And two, he found out from Steve that you’ve had a crush on him since you two first met. He always liked you from the beginning, he just never though you did too.
Peter once again layed his head on top of yours while your head was on his shoulder.
The clock rang out loud, announcing that it was midnight.
Whispering quietly Peter kissed your cheek. “Merry Christmas Y/n.”
art takes hours to produce and seconds to consume so dont act suprised when artists get upset when their posts only get likes and no reblogs
similarly a piece of writing that takes a few minutes to read could have weeks of work behind it… dont take creativity for granted when ur getting it for free
this is the most iconic answer, for real legends only. you were the most captivating, sexy, and interesting person in your past life. probably Cleopatra or Helen of Troy or something. in your current life, you are still 110% iconic, and smarter than literally everyone. ily <3
✨💝 eat it up bitches im a goddess & still am ✨💝
Tagging @bisoubarnes @geniedetails @brattycherubwrites @saint-bvcky @hermayone @honeychicanawrites @helahades @sunflowerxbarnes @peachy-keen-kisses @steebsbabygirl @cloudystevie @buckysbunny @sunstalgia + whoever would like to participate ♡
you have dumb baby energy, but i like that about you. you may not be the wisest but you make up for it in youthful excitement and fun energy. you're probably great at parties.
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