I went ahead and made a Pillowfort profile. I didn't know I'd be up for making a new social, but I really like it there. It almost feels like an old forum. It's neat.
I think I'm done posting my own things here. My chickens, my art, my walks, and my vexations. I will probably continue my Malxir story here for my wife, but otherwise everything I had going on here will be resumed there.
I'll still lurk here and reblog. I really like people here and I don't want to lose them. But otherwise, my faith has been broken. Another transfem ban on top of threatening to break the site? No. I'm not about that.
This is for all the people (my wife) that think Mal can't take care of itself. Except this is months before meeting Sebazin, so Mal's digging the she/her pronouns more than anything, because Mal's mentally stuck in the binary.
I'm beginning the novelization with this. This is the very start. Where everything I've already written initiates. This is still very much first draft material, written over the course of a few days, but I don't plan on changing this up too much. Now that I know how these characters think. I am open to constructive criticism.
Warnings for explicit sexual content. Prostitution instigated by a vaguely established minor. Minor by definition in nearly any culture I can think of. And sexual coercion of one under the influence.
Master List
Welcome to the very first chapter of Malxir's life.
I was hunting. It wasn’t my first time out. Far from it. I had weeks of nights of failures. My targets were specific and unfortunately very, very squirrely.
I searched for an adventurer. My city was no stranger to their type, offering refuge to them in their travels. They’d always been a large part of my life, but my mother had always orchestrated the business side of dealing with them. This was a solo hunt that my mother couldn’t learn about.
I sat outside a tavern, across the street, shrouded in shadow, waiting. Adventurers liked taverns. Besides shops, taverns were the most common place to find their kind. I could understand why. Taverns seemed warm, lit orange by the domestic fires inside. More importantly, they exuded the most enticing scents hinting of the friendly taste of their foods.
I wouldn’t know. I wasn’t allowed in taverns. I was called scrawny and filthy. Lowlife, parasitic, and whore. I’d chase away the paying customers.
I was a whore. That identity didn’t make me bad.
During slow times, if caught lurking outside their place, tavern keeps would chase me off. Violence against people like me was acceptable, so I made sure to hide well. When that failed, I ran even better.
Unkempt child of the streets wouldn’t be what defined me for much longer. Not if I succeeded in this hunt for an adventurer.
My legs had gone numb from the snow, almost a soothing sensation to the alarm bells of cold in my head. I’d need to move soon if I didn’t want to spend the entire trek home in acute pain as I walked warm blood back into my toes.
I had thought finding the right person would be easy. I saw them often enough, gallivanting drunkenly under the star laden sky without a care for the slumber of the city’s inhabitants. As soon as I needed one, they ceased to exist. Not entirely. Only in the unobtainable kind of way.
I needed my adventurer drunk. And I needed him alone.
I stood and shook off the worst of the snow from my tail and seat. Feeling would come back in time. It was time to give up before things got worse. I’d return the following day, assuming my mother didn’t have other plans for me. I doubted it; I hadn’t seen her for a few days.
I’d taken one wobbly step before the tavern door opened, spilling that distant warmth across the terrain of ice in the street. I froze in place, willing myself to blend in with the darkness of the more removed environment.
A lone man staggered out the door, teetering before slamming it shut behind him. His hands clambered at leather armor to shuffle it out of the way, his feet haphazardly carrying him down an alley. He looked lithe and manageable. Perfect.
Ignoring the complete numbness of my own feet with each step, I followed after him.
His hands scrabbled at the ties of his braies, blocking him from the piss he undoubtedly needed to take. He muttered urgently under his breath, but his endeavor was fruitless.
“Need some help with that?” I asked. I stopped a healthy distance away. Just in case he certainly did not.
The man’s attention shot up so quickly, he nearly threw himself backwards. Regaining his balance, he stared at me in a daze. A grin overtook him. “Hey, little girl.”
He was going to let me flirt with him! My heart slammed into my ribs. He was perfect. He was about my build, if a little taller. That was to be expected.
I stepped into his space, reaching to him and running my fingers over his leather. I liked how it hugged him. It was soft enough in the right places, like he’d spent half his life breaking it in just right.
“What are you doing out here all alone?” he asked. The desperation of his bodily functions fell to the wayside.
“I’m not alone,” I replied silkily. I slunk around to his back, stepping as tall as I could to whisper to his ear: “I’m with you.”
“How do you know I’m not some rogue bastard that’ll take advantage of a dame like you?” He wasn’t feeling the boast. No, I was making him nervous.
I backed off of him, circling him until I was in front of him again. “I’m counting on it.”
His drunken grin sharpened, his balance preciously close to dumping him flat in the alley. “Like what you see, pretty lady?”
I got an upgrade from girl to dame and lady. How charming. He was the first one that met my criteria and didn’t fend me off, so I readily accepted all he’d let me have.
I smiled at him, bringing myself closer again to run my hand down his chest. “You haven’t shown me anything yet.”
His attention sprang back to his braies, his fingers tearing the tie free to loosen the beltline. He took a step from me, whipping out his cock and nearly pissing on himself before holding it in position. He sighed into the stream, nearly tipping sideways in the abandon.
I waited patiently in place, dropping the expression people wanted to see. There was no use performing to an audience of none.
He shook himself off, turning to me with a leer. “How about now?” His eyes flicked down to his cock, half-hard in his hand.
“Not here,” I giggled. Sure, he was all warm in his armor and clothing, but I only had undergarments. Ill fit ones at that. My shirt had long sleeves, but they reached only as far as half my forearm. My braies fit around my waist, but they weren’t long enough to cover anything more than mid-thigh. Standing and moving hadn’t renewed feeling in my feet and tail.
I traced my fingers over his thumb holding out his cock, careful not to touch it. That was for later. “Don’t you have some place to go?”
There was nothing left in his eyes but booze and sex when he looked back to me. His mouth opened, wanting, but not immediately forthright with answers. “No.”
I crowded in closer, sliding my touch up his wrist to grip it. My nose hovered beside his.
“You don’t have anywhere you’re staying?” I persisted. Gods, I needed somewhere warm to go. The heat of the hells were weak in my blood.
“Uh, yeah. I can’t bring you there,” he excused quickly.
Frustrating bastard. I had an alternative. One I’d never explored before. But it was my last night in town. I was not only going to go out with a bang, but one that could offer me a great deal of closing.
I twisted my other hand into the hair at the back of his neck, bringing my lips to his so close to feel the static of touch. “Do you mind a little walk, then?” I wasn’t convinced he’d make it. I need him to.
“Yeah.” He was completely mesmerized.
I smiled, careful to wipe the relief from the expression when I needed to flirt a little bit longer. My hunt was over. I needed only bring him home. “Good boy.”
He startled, pulling back against my grip on the back of his head. He was far older than me. He had to be somewhere in his mid-thirties. He must have expected to be called boy by someone like me. I hardly knew where it came from.
I rocked back on my heels, released his head, and flicked my hand from his wrist to settle his braies back over his cock. His clothing and armor tumbled back into place.
“It’s not far,” I promised. I went to the nearest tavern that outsiders frequented to hunt.
I stepped away, waving my tail behind me to garner back his attention. His gaze went exactly where I wanted it.
“Coming?” I prompted.
He staggered forward after me. I led the way with a sway in my hips and twist to the tail. Pretty things to keep him going. I didn’t mind if he passed out before the sex – less work for me – but I’d prefer he did it inside and away form the frosty cold.
“Don’t see tieflings much anymore,” he mumbled. The silence must have been overwhelming for him. I glanced back, eyebrow perked. “Heard some madman slaughtered an entire family of them te years – more years? – back and there haven’t been many left.”
Is that what his addled, booze-riddled mind thought about over how he was going to rail me? My race? Killing?
“Must have been before my time,” I commented dryly. There was a grain of truth to what he said. My mother and I were the only tieflings I’d ever seen. None of the transients had ever looked to have demon blood. Or was it devil? I forgot the difference.
“What’s your name?”
Why did it matter? “Malxir.”
“I’m Digory.”
“Pleased,” I replied politely. I held a step to fall in beside him. “Digory, would you like me to tell the things I’ll do to you when I get your clothes off?” His chatter was annoying.
The sound from Digory’s throat was far from dignified. That worked for me. Things continued to move in the correct direction.
“I want to use my mouth on you,” I told him in a low voice. I pulled his arm into my chest, hugging him in place. “I want to taste you and run my tongue all up and down your length. Does this sound like something you might like, Digory?”
“I’m going to fuck you like you’ve never been fucked before.” His voice warbled in his drunkenness.
Judging from all I’d seen so far, I had significant doubts. “Yeah? Are you going to give it to me up my tight ass?” I asked. I nudged him, pushing him gently in the direction we needed to go. “Right here.” He turned easily.
“You’re a kinky one, huh?” Digory leered.
Years spent learning this language and people still lost me with vocabulary I’d never heard before. “Yeah,” I purred. I hoped I wasn’t agreeing to something I’d regret. “Here, Digory.”
Digory hesitated at the door, even though he was closer to opening it. “Not a great part of town, is it?”
And the place I found him at was any better? The people were so mean there. “It’s not too late to go back to where you’re staying.” It was. The feeling hadn’t worked its way back into my legs nor tail. The thought of extending my time in the cold was as excruciating as the pain I’d be in warming up in front of my fire. Soon.
He swallowed his fear or apprehension, whatever it had been hanging him up. His hand gripped the handle and opened the door to my mother’s home. I really only lived there. “It’s dark.”
“It is?” I always forgot humans couldn’t see in the dark and needed far too bright of light to see what I could. He wasn’t getting that. I ushered him inside, turning to shut the door behind me once we’d both made it. I needed to guide him to the bed I shared with my mother, but he figured it out from there.
“I’ll start the fire,” I told him. One to warm me up and give him enough to see general shapes by for comfort. It came back to life easily, the embers still hot from the last time I had it going a few hours before.
“Where are we?” Digory asked when I turned back around. He hadn’t started undressing at all.
The place was fairly sparse. It had a bed of old straw and threadbare blankets that had been quilted back together when the holes became too hungry. I’d heard of pillows, but didn’t own one. The clothes that had stopped fitting me some time in the summer hung on the wall in the particularly draft area like their subliminal substance was enough to stay the chill. The ice stopped up all but the worst of the roof leaks. My mother left behind things I needed to run the household, but we didn’t have anything for sentimental reasons.
I ignored his question, distracting him from it by slipping over his lap. “It will warm up in a minute,” I promised him. I didn’t often sit in anyone’s lap like this. It was boggling to be relatively taller. “Why don’t you show me how to take this off of you?” My fingers ran over his armor.
He stared at me open-mouthed for a second, processing. “Right. That’s in the way.” He unbelted first, throwing a leather bag and a sheathed knife aside. Twisting to reach a tie at the side of his torso, he struggled with the corded leather as much as he had his braies earlier. I pushed his fingers to the side and took over. I was faster and not drunk to the point of incoherence. There was still the chance I wouldn’t need to sleep with him after all.
Before long, I had the armor loose enough to take it from his body. Everything else he wore underneath was more standard and easier for me to remove. He gaped at me as I worked everything off of him, backing off his lap as I moved on to lower clothes. I was left disappointed when all that remained were his braies and he hadn’t succumbed to the tranquilizing qualities of alcohol.
“Do you have a pussy like a human?”
I tried as hard as I could to keep from glaring at him. “My warm, wet mouth isn’t enough for you?” I asked with sad, mock innocence. “You’re going to fuck my ass, Digory. It’s so tight. It’ll feel so good.” For him, at least. I’d survive.
I nestled my cheek on the inside of his knee, careful of the angle of my head to keep from touching him with my lateral horn. Horns freaked people out or fascinated them. I maintained eye contact. He didn’t get everything from me. He was too drunk to remember much, so there was no point on performing too hard. I didn’t care to remember him any longer than I needed to.
“Do you want my mouth?” I asked him when nothing passed through his eyes. I could probably push him back in the bed and wait a minute for him to pass out and achieve the same effect. It was tempting.
“Yeah,” he puffed. His hands helped me guide the braies out from under him, exposing him completely. He wasn’t any harder than before, partially soft against his thigh. The expression in his dark eyes was so far away, he almost looked like he’d already come.
I reached for him, placing myself between his legs. The warmth of his tender, fuzzy thighs against my skin was stark enough to almost hurt. He didn’t seem to mind. I’d kept my hands functional and from freezing, even if I couldn’t pull that off for my whole body.
He stank like stale semen and far too many hormones, the dirt and leather too faint to cover it up. I never got to see the best of people anyway. It could have been piss and shit, but he was relatively clean.
He shuddered in my touch, eyes sliding closed when I encircled him with my fingers. I flicked my tongue over the skin around his tip, pulling a hitched breath.
“Has anyone ever touched you before?” I asked.
“I’ve fucked so many woman,” he boasted sleepily. “I’m going to make you scream, little girl.” What was the point of asking my name if he wasn’t going to use it?
I stroked along the top couple inches of his cock in a slow, steady pace. He was lying. I had no doubts my hand was the first to touch him outside of his own and he couldn’t even get hard for me. I watched the gentle push and pull of the skin, his slit peeking out curiously as I moved.
I guided his cock over the flat of my tongue, the taste of his musk and sweat filling my mouth more so than his physical cock. I rolled my tongue against him for him to moan loudly and flop back onto the bed. I hadn’t done anything yet. He was so sensitive, even half aroused, that nothing did everything.
I opted form pushing him any harder, stroking my hand along his shaft in that steady rhythm and playing around his head with my tongue.
“Nna roomssspinnin’,” he slurred.
I dug the tip of my tongue into the gathering of skin at his frenulum to help speed along the process. His hips bucked up faintly with a sharp inhale. No matter the sensitivity, he wasn’t any harder in my hand.
I took more of him in my mouth, clamping my lips around him. The taste wasn’t so pungent. It was easier to play with him. I wasn’t usually in the position where I could pull that off.
His chest heaved with breath, every exhale loud with growing shouts. If they were words, I didn’t recognize any. His leg drew up my shoulder, dropping again when he couldn’t blindly find a place to prop it up.
My amusement dropped away the moment feeling pulsed back into my tail. My legs soon followed, pain cascading down my nerves as they all reawakened at once. I popped my mouth off him to keep myself from accidentally hurting him, willing concentration into my hands. All my brain wanted to feel was the accumulating pain.
I grasped gently at his balls as I retained my rhythm along his cock. I rolled them in my fingers, playing at the testicles as they drew up in his excitement. I leaned into his leg, working hard to hold back my whimpers but unable to stop the tears. This part of warming up never got any easier, no matter how many times it happened.
My hand had stopped on his cock. I pressed my thumb to the underside between the glans, focusing instead on how I played with his balls.
All I wanted to do was smash them in my hand to make myself feel better. My lower half was alight. Unrelenting. Feeling it was all I could think.
I traced my fingers downwards, following the line of thicker skin to the space between his balls and ass. I kissed absently at his slit to keep myself faintly aware.
Some guys didn’t like their taint touched. Too close to their asshole and attached insecurities? Digory was as noisy as I traced over the nerves of pleasure as he was with my mouth on his cock. His noises were breathless, more time between them, but thoroughly lost in the sensation. I could do whatever I wanted with him and he’d enjoy it. Yet he remained soft.
The burning persisted, my tears continued, but I no longer felt like I was accidentally inclined to introduce his cock to my fangs. I lifted my cheek to take him in again, sucking lightly on all I’d placed over my tongue.
Digory bucked with a groan, splattering into the back of my mouth. I cupped his pulsing balls, helping pump him dry with my hand up his shaft. He didn’t have much, but I hadn’t expected to bring him to climax anyway. Not after mere minutes of next to nothing.
I knocked back the bitter taste, once again slumping into his leg. My pain hadn’t disappeared. Not yet.
He was in no hurry to get anywhere. He allowed me to lean my weight on him, my contrail failing to hold down all of my whines, as his breathing came back down.
Feeling eventually clarified in my limbs, and with it, my mind. I peeled my cheek from his thigh, backing out from between his legs. I gave myself some time on the dirt before testing my balance. I stood easily.
Digory had fallen asleep where he finished, hairy chest rising and falling with peaceful breath. I ran my fingers lightly through it, testing its softness. I never understood how people could fall asleep so easily beside a stranger, even if it made my life less difficult.
I was done with him. He played his role well.
Shifting around, I gathered all of the clothing I’d stripped off of him. I held the braies up appraisingly to my own waist before putting them back to free my hands.
Getting naked was difficult, but I had all the time I needed to get it done. I toasted my body in front of the hearth, the heat of the fire licking against my bare skin to chase out the last of the chill. Once thoroughly warmed, my task began.
I took on his shirt and braies, tying the underwear to my body. The linen bunched more than I was accustomed to at the waist and the shirt hung a little harder, but I didn’t need to fight for my life to fit them into place. My underwear was meant for a little boy, no matter that I’d technically fit into it for a couple more years. I admired the way the clothes felt with a stupid grin upon my lips before moving on, wearing more of his clothes until the leather armor rested on my shoulders and his boots tied to my feet.
Taking what the clients brought with them was nothing new. Wearing his clothes and leaving him with the very skin he lived in was. I needed them and this was the only way I knew how to do it.
I untied the hilt of the dagger he’d brought with him, pulling the blade to get a good look at it. I had no idea how to use it, double edged as it was, but it made sense to keep it paired with the armor. I stuffed it in its sheath and belted it on.
Digory had been so nice to me, even as drunk as I’d found him. I let him keep his coin, figuring he’d have better use for it than me. I’d learned to use coin incidentally and poorly at that. Finding more had never been an issue. Not once I knew what I was doing, at least.
I didn’t have any belongings to gather and consider. All I had to do was leave, even if I had no idea what to do with myself once I walked through that door. I hadn’t planned that far ahead. Find an adventurer, take his clothes and armor, and leave the city behind. I’d never left the city before.
I fed the fire to last Digory as long as possible through the night. With luck, he’d find his way back to where he had planned to stay the night before my mother came back. I needed to be as far as I could before she realized what happened.
She’d be okay without me. She depended on me for the gold I brought in, but she’d began scolding me for how little I was worth once I’d grown up some. I rarely saw her anymore as she figured out how to make up for the loss. I fed myself, took care of myself, and added to the sour reputation I’d been saddled with for as long as I could remember. I shouldn’t be a hard loss on her.
I just couldn’t do it anymore. I had to try something else.
Fear gnawed at me when I placed my hand on the door to let myself out. It stole my breath and made my vision buckle.
Leaving was stupid. I had a safe place to return to here. I’d always found enough food to get by, even if the hunger pains sometimes laid me out for a couple days. I knew who to avoid and where to go to for a purse of coin. I learned where to scale buildings to get away from a beating. I could endure in this city.
I snatched my hand back from the door like it had burned me, a low whine escaping from my throat of its own accord. I paced back to the fire, clutching myself like I needed to physically hold myself together. The ties on the leather armor offered a perfect anchor to hold.
I couldn’t do it. I was barely a person here, but it was the only life I knew. I understood there were things beyond the city, for that was where adventurers came from and went. It had to be a harder life. I could hardly keep up with the one I had.
What was the point of planning for a way to upgrade my wardrobe? I liked the way the clothes fit and how warm they were in layers. I was too much of a coward to use them? I was to wait for Digory to wake and beat me for seducing him away, then? I’d brought him to where I hid. I had nowhere else to go. I’d backed myself into a corner.
My mother would know what I’d done. If she came back, she’d know that I planned to leave her. She wouldn’t forgive me for trying, even if I had aborted the effort late in the game.
This was my only chance. I had to go through with it. I had to try to be better out there because it wasn’t possible here. People knew me as one of the only two tieflings. They knew I was a whore and a thief. They scorned me.
My feet carried me across the floor. My hand opened the door. These actions were outside of myself, like I wasn’t the one really in control. The relief I felt the moment the crisp winter air hit me was mine. I could hardly handle moving forward beyond the threshold of my mother’s home, but outside of it, I was free.
The only thing left to do was pick a direction and continue.
I dunno, stop apologizing for your art. This includes not posting enough, too much, changing style, inconsistent style, repetition, subject. Its your art its your expression. Have fun.
A couple scenes from a little gay vampire story I was kicking around a couple years ago! I sometimes do little pencils-only scenes for things and never post them. But I was looking back at these and was like why not? They're cute!
I have a whole story for these two, but just for funsies, something to do every now and then when I need to let loose.
I tend to see somno kink analysis focus on the eroticism of like 'waking up mid-molestation', the kind of creep factor of 'pictures taken while sleeping', and generalized 'being an object of desire at your most vulnerable state without needing to perform', which I think are all relatively more sub side eroticisms. All this to say, I think we don't talk enough about how cute it is when a sub is really easy to trick into falling asleep, or to guide to sleep in your arms with either words or other methods, or broadly easy to move around in its sleep without totally waking it.
An epilogue to the whole Theo Affair. I've been writing this arc since the middle of March. Two and a half months. I had a good fair amount of their argument written in tiny pieces throughout my phone and notebook. Things that tickled me. This and the Theo arc are 65k words altogether. A novel in and of itself. I'm not sure if I ended it perfectly, but hey, I got everything that's been bothering me out.
This part contains sexually explicit content. Rape.
Master List
The door to our home was cast wide open when I arrived. I swallowed back the coiled apprehension of seeing Seb again before letting myself in.
“Sebazin?” I asked quietly.
Seb turned their head from the wall, their weight mainly held in place by their right arm when they took their head away from its surface. They stared at me, completely unreadable. Blood pumped loudly enough through my ears, I was sure I’d hear nothing else.
“Oh,” Seb said.
I didn’t know what to do with such a bland response. I expected something from them. Joy at me coming back? More likely, a resumption of their anger it didn’t seem they’d physically expunged. Not unless they had done that with more knife wounds under their shirt.
“I thought you said you didn’t want to see me again,” I explained weakly.
Seb pushed off the wall to stand to their full height, turning to face me. “So you decide to live with the one you hurt me with.”
I turned my eyes down. I wasn’t supposed to do that? I thought Seb had ended it. I returned to Seb because I thought I’d misunderstood, but this confrontation already planted the seed of doubt.
“Shut the door,” Seb ordered.
I couldn’t tell off the tone of their voice if that was a good thing for them to demand. Were we okay, then? I reached to close the door, latching it in place with my back to Seb.
“I need you to explain why you thought this was okay.” Danger threatened the edges of their voice. No, not okay, then.
“I didn’t know where else to go.”
“No, before that,” Seb growled.
I reeled for an answer. “He told me I was going to die,” I said miserably.
“What? And his cock was the only cure?” Seb sneered. “Are you fucking serious?”
What was I supposed to do with Seb so angry at me? “I didn’t know what to do! He was helping me.”
“Helping,” Seb scoffed. “You don’t start fucking other people, Malxir! Not without running it by me first! Especially not the man I was falling for before I mucked it all up!”
“You were gone!” I shouted back, accusatory. It was easy to find my voice as Seb raised theirs.
I spun to find Seb standing with their eyes closed, breathing deeply. “I’m trying really hard to be calm right now, but you need to understand that I am pissed. I know it’s not entirely your fault, but you fucked my ex.” They sniffed, steadying. “What did he used to train you, Mal? Did he threaten you? Did he bribe you?”
“How do you know … he trained me?”
Seb’s eyes opened, locking in on me. “Because that’s what someone like him does. He controls the situation. Gets you under his thumb. And you’re far too willing, after a point. You’re perfect for what he wants.”
My shoulders shrunk in. Seb was disappointed in me, but somehow not surprised. It didn’t feel good.
They scoffed, turning their head sharply away from me. “I don’t care if you fuck somebody else. I don’t care if you bring him home and fuck him in our bed in front of me. I also don’t care if you fall in love with somebody else. You know this.”
They stepped forward, pointing at me with intimidation. “I care that you fucked Theo after he broke it off with me. I care that you fucked someone deliberately behind my back.” Their hand dropped, balling into fists.
“The way this works, Malxir, is through open communication. Does this make sense? You hurt me in a way no one has before. You broke my trust in you. I love you, but you disgust me right now.”
My stomach dropped hard enough to trigger my gag reflex. I covered my mouth as my knees buckled, barely managing to hold myself together. The repulsion in Seb’s voice didn’t lie.
Seb’s lip curled up at me, their red eyes boring in in a way that felt physically painful. “Explain to my why, Malxir.”
I backed up a step, my spine running into closed door behind me. I didn’t know how to explain why. Theo made everything seem like it was alright. After he’d made me need him, I trusted him.
“We fuck other people …”
Seb’s eyes flashed with rage. “You fuck other people, Mal. Who else have I slept with since we’ve been together? Theo, before this all happened, with your fucking permission you don’t remember giving when I first brought him home. Then when you initiated. Is that why you thought you should hide this from me?” Their voice was loud. Demanding. The most furious I’d heard them without the threat of their sanity slipping away.
“You’re not that fucking stupid, are you?”
I shrunk down, hugging myself. They worked themselves up to where they genuinely scared me. No matter my answer, it was wrong. Because I had been wrong. I never thought they’d be so mad about it, but I couldn’t blame them when they’d laid it out.
“You pathetic, idiotic, sniveling fucking whore!” Seb roared. I realized too late that I’d missed the control disappearing. There was none of that left when Seb grabbed my loose clothes from off my shoulders to toss them carelessly away. My cloak caught the air and drifted to the floor.
Seizing me by my shirt and tunic, Seb used them to turn me and throw me to the bed. I landed hard with no time to scramble away before Seb was on top of me, pinning me down with far too much of their weight.
“Sebazin!” I gasped against them. What was I supposed to expect? Were they going to beat me again?
“Shut the fuck up,” Seb snapped. “You can take it.”
Pure panic blinded me as ice filled my veins. I struck out at Seb with the intention of warding them off me, but without the precision of calculated strikes. I felt my hands hit, the bones of my fingers smacking painfully into their horns when I missed flesh. And then I felt Seb’s hands against my arms until my arms were trapped.
“No!” I gasped. “Get off of me!”
Seb gathered my wrists into one of their hands, holding them tight against my chest. I could hardly draw in breath against the pressure of them over my lungs.
That didn’t stop me from trying to beg. “Sebazin, please,” I sobbed. “Stop.”
Seb pulled down on my braies. I kicked out, my tail thrashing beneath us, but even uncontrolled I was no match for Seb.
“No! No, I don’t want -”
Seb pinned down a leg and maneuvered off my braies. The moment I was exposed, I snapped up my tail as tight and hard as I could. I was supposed to be able to take permission away from Seb. It wasn’t working.
It really wasn’t my place.
“Please,” I whimpered. My vision cleared enough to see, even if it buzzed and fractured from not enough oxygen and too much adrenaline. “Please stop. Please stop.”
“Shut the fuck up,” Seb repeated as harshly as before. Their free hand shoved into my mouth, fingers holding down my jaw. They kicked at my legs until they were between them. Once in place, their hand moved to their cock, freeing it from their clothes.
I squeezed my eyes shut and pulled my chin up. I could struggle all I wanted, but Seb was double my weight with strength to match. This was what I was for anyway. Seb gave me a couple years of longing and a good year of sex, but ultimately I was destined to return to what I was raised to do. I’d only forgotten how to be good.
They removed their hand from my mouth and wrenched my tail aside with it like I hadn’t been trying to keep something in place against them for their cock to press into me, tearing me open with no prep beforehand. I screamed at the sharp, splitting pain, red flashing through my clenched eyes. I’d been used to this once.
Their cock was too dry against my hole, even though they’d smeared the spit from my mouth over their tip. They didn’t wait for me to adjust. They only pushed in deeper.
I couldn’t tell if I was still screaming or if it was only ringing in my ears. Tears spilled fretfully down my cheeks, falling to hug me gently under my jaw. I’d been told I looked best like this, even before Theo. I never thought that Seb would be one to find that out.
I stopped struggling against them, accepting the inevitable. I focused on the pain of each bit of movement of Seb inside me. This wasn’t a lesson I should blink away from. It wasn’t one my brain was trying to retract from.
Seb’s hand moved off my chest. Their thrusts became easier and smoother, even if the damage had already been done. I couldn’t bring myself to open my eyes to find out what they had done. They’d probably ruptured something in me. Torn the skin at my hole. Either way, blood lubricated well.
Seb’s breathing turned into pants of exertion, quickly devolving into something else. They shifted between my legs with a soft moan, nothing sexual attached to it.
“Oh, no,” they breathed, so much distress in the airy words.
They pulled back expediently, with a choked noise in their throat. Their weight left the bed, followed by the slapping sounds of their feet on the floor.
“Oh, no,” they repeated, more miserable than before. “Oh, fuck, I’m so sorry. I-I – oh fuck.”
Comforting people wasn’t a part of my job. If I was to be Seb’s whore, they weren’t getting it from me.
I rolled to my side and pulled my legs up, tucking my tail gently around myself. My asshole burned, even if it wasn’t the sharp feeling of before.
“I don’t know why I did that,” Seb said on the edge of control. Except this time, it was tears on their voice. “Oh, fuck, I don’t -”
“It’s okay,” I said listlessly in the quiet of their shuddering breath. I hated the ones that regretted it. It didn’t make sense to me. Why fuck me if it wasn’t what they wanted? “I’m yours,” I told Sebazin. I shouldn’t have tried to fight them. “This is what it can be like, if you want.”
“Oh, fuck, no,” Seb choked. “No, I should never – oh, fuck, why did I do that?”
I opened my eyes to find them. They’d curled up against the wall, nearly under the table. Their fangs were bared in an expression of pain, coated in blood between every visible tooth. One hand held their forehead, the other their legs, fingers biting into flesh.
“Do you want me to finish sucking you off?” I asked with no emotion. My job was to get them to come. My life and comfort for others’ pleasures.
“No!” Seb barked. “Oh, fuck, no. What the fuck?” Their eyes blinked open, the dark glistening with fresh tears. What did Seb have to cry about? Their nightmares, their lingering loss over Gabe, I accepted them crying over that. For this, they had no reason.
Their hand slipped down their face, leaving a faint trail of blood lighter than their skin in its wake. “I’m so sorry, Mal. I wasn’t in control.”
“This is what I’m for,” I mumbled. No matter how much I wanted to disappear, I couldn’t take my eyes off of Seb as they crashed.
“No,” Seb whined. I hated them like this. I actually hated them for the breakdown more than the rape. If they were going to hurt me and use me for their singular pleasure, they could at least own up to it. “No it’s not.”
I said nothing as they worried their hand over their face. Their eyes were focused on something distant as they became stuck in their thoughts.
“What-what can I do for you?” they asked faintly, still far away. “Can I -” their tongue licked over their lip “-can I clean you up? What – nothing is going to make this better. What can I do to … try?” Their eyes focused back on me, blinking a tear down their cheek. Blood rolled down their forearm, falling to the floor from their elbow. I couldn’t remember what I did to cause them to bleed.
“Crying about it isn’t going to change things,” I said. My voice didn’t sound like it belonged to me. Maybe it didn’t, either.
“Oh, shit, Mal,” Seb gasped, “no. Oh, fuck, I should never have done that. That’s one of the worst things I’ve ever done.” And Seb had slaughtered their entire clan. Loviatar wanted them because they tortured people. I was nothing to those things.
I should have gotten up to comfort them. Seb wasn’t a client; they were my lover. They were only taking what they were owed. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
“Please, Mal. What do you want me to do?”
They were begging me? I tucked my head in, letting my eyes close. “I don’t care,” I mumbled.
Seb let the silence hang for a long time. I hurt too much to fall asleep, but I felt exhausted. It was too early to truly go to bed anyway.
“You didn’t deserve that,” Seb said softly. “I am hurt and pissed off, but I never should have done that.”
I said nothing, letting Seb get it off their chest to talk themselves into feeling better. It didn’t matter to me. Not until sitting and shitting moved me to tears for the next week. All things I’d dealt with for most of my life, though.
“Do you want -”
“Do whatever makes you feel better!” I snapped. “Just shut up.”
“Fuck,” Seb said softly. Their limbs slithered over the floor, but I couldn’t tell if they were moving closer or farther. “Mal, we need to clean you up. You’re covered in my blood.”
Covered in Seb’s blood? I adjusted my tail to feel the dry cracking of it against my skin as the air dried it. I shifted my leg up to see, but saw nothing of import from my angle. Seb brought up a small bowl of water with a rag, setting it before me and stepping abruptly away. Giving me space. I eyed them questioningly, ignoring the bowl. The pull of drying blood was nothing to the tears in my skin. Inside me.
“I don’t like when you’re like this,” I said.
Seb blinked, surprise dashing over their face, replaced swiftly with confusion. “Out of control?”
“No.” I nodded at them. “Like this.”
Seb winced. “I know I can never make up for this -”
“No,” I cut in. “I don’t want you to.”
I couldn’t read the way Seb’s face twisted. “And pretend like none of this happened?”
“Yeah.”
“Mal, I fucking lost control. You paid the price. Again.”
I pushed up, lifting my shoulders off the bed. “So stop treating me different because of it. Stop treating me like a child.”
“A child?” Seb echoed. “I wouldn’t fuck a child. I … I’m a …”
Seb couldn’t bring themselves to say it. I understood what they were trying to admit to. Gabe had once said that Seb couldn’t feel shame and regret, but it rolled off of them now.
“No you’re not. I’m yours. You can take what you want from me. You can punish me when I’ve been bad.” I stared at my hand as it gripped into the blanket atop the bed. Better to look at anything but Seb. Theo never punished me despite his obvious hunger for it. But I hadn’t needed Theo in order to be well acquainted with it far beyond a concept.
Seb sat down heavily on the edge of the bed, careful to keep significant distance between us. Their body sagged. “What the fuck,” the muttered, almost inaudible. “Mal, you’re an adult. Even children shouldn’t be treated like that. It’s wrong. What I did was wrong.” They leaned forward to hold their head in their hands.
“The demons took over?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
“Then you don’t remember doing it.” It wasn’t them.
“No,” Seb agreed. “Fuck, I think that makes it worse.” They sniffed in hard and rubbed at their eyes. “I can’t remember doing it, but I know you fought it. You left bruises. So don’t you fucking try saying it was alright.”
I lowered my body back down, silent. I had fought because I’d forgotten my place. That was all.
“Are you going to clean up?” Seb asked with resignation.
“No.”
Seb was quiet a moment. “Do you want me to do it?” they asked hesitantly.
“I don’t care.”
Seb shifted with a weary breath. “I’m going to touch you, okay?”
“Whatever.” They had taken poorly to my demand to stop treating me so carefully.
They slid over the bed to get closer, a chilled rag touching my tail soon after. My initial reaction was to bunch in tighter, but I quickly managed to convince myself to unfurl for them.
Seb cradled their left hand to their torso, leaving blots of fresh blood on the shirt whenever they shifted to wring the water from the rag. They were gentle. They didn’t scrub at the dried blood, but moistened it and coaxed it away.
Their eyes switched to mine when they finished with everything, taking in details in silence. I had no expression to read to figure out what they sought.
“Why did you let him choke you?” Seb asked sadly.
“How do you know?”
“You don’t think I know what it looks like?” They absently reached to my face with their bloodied hand before thinking better of it and pulling back. “It breaks the small blood vessels around your eyes. It looks like freckling. Your skin may be red, but it’s still visible.”
I turned my face away. “I liked it. It felt like I was floating.”
“Yeah, I get that. It’s dangerous. That can kill you.”
“But that’s okay for you?” My voice was venomous. I didn’t care what it did to Seb. I should have cared.
Seb’s face hardened. They took the bowl to the door and dumped the sanguine water outside to snap it to the table. It was there they stood, their shoulders hiked back and their tail perfectly immobile.
“Let me get you to finish,” I insisted quietly when it felt like they’d gotten stuck like that.
“Mal, no.” Their eyes leveled back to me. “I don’t think we should fuck for a while.”
Oh, gods. They really didn’t want me back. What was I doing there? I couldn’t even go back to Theo anymore.
“Hey,” Seb caught me before the panic took hold. I bit my lip. “We’ll figure this shit out. Or I can walk you right back to Theo with everything I owe you.” They did a good job keeping the sneer out of their voice, even if they couldn’t completely erase it from their face.
“I told him he was a mistake,” I confessed in a mumble.
“Yeah?” Seb’s voice was lighter. A little hope shining back through like the sun glinted off the blood on their arm. “Mal, you don’t have to stay with me after … that. You’ve always been free to go.”
“I’m yours.”
Seb closed their eyes and breathed in. “Okay. We need to talk, but I don’t think either of us are ready for that right now.”
“About what?”
“About everything,” Seb said flatly. They stared at me with narrowed eyes before switching off the pressure and staring at their bleeding arm. “Fuck, this won’t quit.” They pressed a thumb to their forearm, bringing the fingers of their left hand to their lips.
“What happened?”
“I bit through it,” Seb sighed. “Must have been through something for it to bleed this bad. It’s what brought me back.”
They bit themselves hard enough that it caused them to bleed so profusely? We had fangs, sure, but Seb had bit me plenty of times and never pierced my skin. Biting was forever one of their go-tos. How hard did they have to bite to draw so much blood?
“Don’t worry about it. It’s slowing.”
I shifted lightly to settle more into the bed. “Will you hold me when it stops?” I asked.
Seb’s eyes snapped back to me. “That’s something you want for yourself?”
I didn’t understand the question. “I want you to hold me.”
Seb hesitated, expression falling. “Yeah. I, uh, yeah.”
“You don’t want to?”
“Things got a little complicated, Mal,” Seb insisted, “but yeah, I’ll hold you.” They sniffed, turning their attention back to their forearm. “It’ll quit in a minute. Hold on.”
My contribution to the Kakashi Path of Life Zine organized by @kakashizine 🍃
When I was choosing which part of Kakashi's life I wanted to paint for this zine, I knew the exact moment I wanted to catch. That second of stillness after he opens Obito's eye for the first time.
The moment just before he pulls his father's tanto for the last time.
