This is a part of Mal's Mother arc. It takes place after Worthless. It begins with Mother.
I imagined these chapters going better. That I'd have more fun writing them. Problem is, Seb breaks a lot easier than Mal. Mal's used to a level a torment whereas Seb loses their sanity in all sorts of new ways. Seb could never endure the torture they could inflict. And from Mal's POV, it's difficult to say how Seb's cracked. Yet.
Mal gets away from this chapter uncharacteristically unscathed (and competent!), but Sebazin is a broken mess. Not a lighthearted chapter, Seb's still a neglected prisoner, but very far from explicit in any way.
Master List
I woke with sunshine in my eyes. I scrambled to my seat, alert in a fraction of a second. I was fully dressed in my chausses and tunic, shoved in some forgotten corner between buildings. The sun peaked teasingly over the debris I’d found to hide behind, warm and golden in the morning hour.
I had no idea why I was there.
I could feel the persistent headache laying in wait for a command from my mother’s sharp lips. My body ached from the abuse Bertram’s sons were so happy to inflict. The marks on my wrists under my sleeves were fresh, so they’d shackled me again. That didn’t explain why I was outside.
I rose to my feet, using the nearest wall as support. I was lightheaded, but that wasn’t a surprise. My stomach languished at its emptiness. It had been days since it had seen food.
Once I could see and balance, I tottered out of the ally and into the street. I had no idea where I was. I knew from experience, by running away from my mother in the first place, that the city was huge. I could potentially wander for days without finding the little bit of familiarity I had in it. And what was home to me was a much worse place than where my mother lived without me. Her shop was in a nice place. Clean. Free of thieves and whores like me. I didn’t know it.
If anything, I was dressed in my clothes. I didn’t look like the dirty whore I was. The chances of interacting with people and not immediately chased off was good. If I could find another person.
I wandered down the street, following it to the next and the one after that. Nothing struck me as familiar.
I grabbed the first person I saw. “Excuse me!” I called to her. She waved at me and continued walking with determination. “Quick question,” I added, laying on some speed to catch up with her.
She finally paused, confusion passing through her eyes. “Is everything okay?”
I suppressed my flash of irritation. People always wanted to coddle me. “I’m a little lost. Can you point me to the market?”
“Aren’t you a little young to be traveling alone?”
With that question, I no longer cared to hide my expression. “No. Market. Please.”
Her lips pursed and I about spun away from her in frustration. But then she explained, laying down a long verbal map. We parted with her instructions forcefully looping through my brain to remember.
I found the market the woman had detailed, only to quickly realize it wasn’t the right one. I knew the buildings well in the market by my mother’s shop. These weren’t them. I could do my discounted shopping and get away with it without scrutiny, but it didn’t help me find my mother. It didn’t bring me back to Seb.
I hauled my unsteady body to the nearest vendor. “Do you know where another market is?” I asked. “I’m in the wrong one.”
I received new instructions, no more easy to follow. I repeated them through my head with a new handful of sausage links to nibble on. My vagabond presence went unquestioned, my acquisition of my bounty unnoticed. I deserved some food.
I arrived at the next market by happenstance and empty-handed. I lost track of the directions I had been given and added a few turns, but the sound of people talking lured me in.
It wasn’t the right market, either. Panic squeezed my heart. What if I never returned to Seb? What if their last memory of me was me turning my back on them in their weakest moment?
I had to walk down a few stalls before I found one where the vendor wasn’t busy. “Do you know where I can find another market? I’m looking for someone.”
The woman contemplated. “There’s one a ten minute walk that way.”
I shook my head. “I came from there. This market is near the edge of the city?”
“I think there’s one past that market on the edge of civilization.” She sounded uncertain. If she was right, I had gone the wrong direction. If she was wrong, I was wasting time I probably didn’t have.
I rubbed my fingers into my temple before my lat as I walked away. Finding the correct market wasn’t supposed to be the challenge. I didn’t know why I had to figure out where I was in the first place.
I took a handful of cakes on my way out of that market, much like the ones that Theo had liked to feed me. They kept well and were easy on the stomach. Hopefully enough to tame the sausages in my tummy. Something both Seb and I needed. The bigger issue was pacing myself so that I didn’t accidentally eat them all.
I made my way back through the first market I’d been pointed toward, eyes sharp for anything I could use to help me or Seb out. I passed by a smithy and hovered around the tools he created, but got shooed away before I could find anything of use. Even clothed, I couldn’t pull off the right kind of look for a blacksmith’s clientele.
Finding the next market was difficult. I didn’t have real instructions to follow. All the direction I had was the sun at my back until it, too, was too high to be of real use. My familiarity with the area didn’t lie, however. The moment I caught sight of recognizable architecture, I knew how to find my mother’s place.
I tucked the remaining cakes away, using folds of my clothing as a makeshift pocket, and I entered through her door. I whimpered at the sight of her predatory gaze, immediately dropping to an unassuming posture.
“Where have you been, Malxir?” she demanded. I felt my headache flare, but it wasn’t from one of her mind splinters.
“Lost,” I squeaked. “I didn’t know where I was.”
“All night and morning?” my mother asked with heavy skepticism. “Did you dirty your clothes?”
“No.”
“You have time to take care of Sebazin before you meet Bertram again.” She was dismissive. Distracted. I wasn’t looking that gift horse in the mouth.
As much as I wanted to return to Seb, I was afraid to. I tried to settle my nerves by exploring the cavern for anything of use. They had some books, a couple rugs, but nothing sharp, pointy, or of use for picking a lock. I did find something far more useful than tools: a natural spring. It was slight and weak, but it was a source of water.
I dashed to Seb, excited with the spring in sights and cakes on my person. I heard muttering from the other side of the door, but it quieted the moment the door made noise. Sebazin glared at me, breaths laborious, but the chains too taunt above their head to rattle.
“Seb! I found water!” I exclaimed.
Seb winced, turning their head away from me. “Go away,” they rasped, voice barely catching air. “Go away. Leave me alone. Go away.”
My blood froze. I stopped in my tracks, drooping in place. “What?” I knew I’d left them. They’d begged after me. I didn’t have another option. “Seb, it’s me.”
Seb whined, their tail drawing tighter around themselves. “Fuck off. Shut up. Go away.” They hid their eyes from me, the tattoos swallowing up the remainder of their expression. All I had was that they breathed through their mouth, lip drawing and dropping around their fangs.
“I’m sorry, Seb,” I choked, feeling sobs bubble up my throat. I threw myself to my knees at their cell door, resting my horns on the bars. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do. I’m doing all I can.”
Seb continued to mutter, but each sound was more incomprehensible than their last. This was Seb in unbridled fear, like I’d walked in on one of their nightmares they never talked about. Seb admitted to fear plenty, but succumbing to it was rare. What had they been going through when I was locked away?
It took me a moment to realize that I couldn’t follow them down their path of panic. As much as it hurt to see Seb working their weak body to get away from me, I couldn’t stop caring for them. Not when I finally had the means to get them more water. When I had cereal cakes to throw to them.
The cup I’d given them the day before was knocked over and rolled to the far wall. With Seb’s lack of lucidity, I wouldn’t know if that method had worked at all. The bucket did. Or they’d have died far earlier. I needed the bucket, well within Seb’s reach but far outside of my own.
“Sebazin, I need you to listen to me.” I tried to be firm. Sometimes it worked to snap them out of it, but they usually didn’t get so bad.
Their knee drew up until the shackles around their ankles stopped them. Their torso twisted away until their arm completely hid their face. I couldn’t make out words from their stream of soft sound, though it sounded like they were shushing me?
“Seb, I need the bucket. Give me the bucket, Seb.”
It was terrifying, really, to see someone like Seb, that put themselves bodily in the thick of trouble for someone, that rose first for the occasion of confrontation, to be reduce to a mumbling, sick mess. I’d seen them cut, I’d seen them give up, and I’d seen the very life leave their body. This was something else. Like their essence was taken away. Seb did not resort to cowardice and hide, no matter how bad it got.
“Sebazin!” I screeched, falling into coughs for my efforts. I had a finite amount tries to get this right and they were making it more difficult than it needed to be. I got my throat back under control and turned back to Seb. They eyed me warily. “Are you back?”
“You’re real,” Seb whispered so quietly, I needed to read it from their lips. My insides twisted. This really was a nightmare for Seb. A living one. If they couldn’t distinguish dream from reality … I didn’t know what to do.
“Get me out of here,” Seb begged. They twisted in their chains, their tail unfurling from around them. “Please, please. Mal, please.”
“I can’t,” I choked. The words cut on their way out.
“Why? Why are we here?” A foot scrambled for purchase. Failed. “Mal, let me out.”
“Seb, I need the bucket,” I told them. The persistent numbness all my life wrapped about me, staying my tears. “I can get you water.”
The moment of clarity passed. Seb hid their face again, resuming the unintelligible muttering. They were bodily weak and their sanity slipped, but they still had fight if I could reach them. Water, however, was a lost cause. Not without their help.
“I stole the cakes you like,” I heard my voice. I didn’t remember opening my mouth. “It’s the best I could do.” I dug them out of the folds of my clothes and lobbed them one at a time at Seb. One rolled away, but the rest remained somewhere in the padding of their gambeson.
“I’m sorry, Sebazin,” I mumbled. I’d said it so many times, the words felt empty. I found my feet, my balance coming from somewhere else outside of my body.
If I couldn’t do anything else with Seb, I was stuck following Bertram to a place I wouldn’t remember.
