I swore I would never blog about my DND adventures for various reasons, but I had to. I had to get this story out into the world.
So, first, the context. I have been playing in a West Marches style GURPS campaign for several years now. Our DM is really awesome. Awesome guy. Very supportive. Excellent DM. 11/10. I got involved with this group in the first place because my roommate has been friends with his little sister since college and they invited us to play. Everyone in the group is really great and we have an amazing time. Only thing is, they’re all Mormon.
This hasn’t really been a problem at all. The fact that I no longer am or that I’m queer just sort of hasn’t come up. Our DM doesn’t really do romances in plots, so my characters’ sexual orientations never come up. He is aware that I have a girlfriend and it’s just been my own choice not to bring it up with everyone else. It’s just a fun space and we enjoy ourselves.
But, well. Of course I know all my characters are gay.
The main one that I play in this campaign is a fellow by the name of Phosphorus Soulfate, seen here with his pet rock Svelbald whom he purchased for 17 gold in his first ever session because the merchant told him it was a baby golem and really that’s about everything you need to know about Phos.
He's fun to play. Recently became a paladin for a fallen angel. Has a fae companion who increases his spellcasting but gives him minor curses if he makes a pun, so, you know. Any time he says his full name.
Anyway, I’ve been playing him in this campaign for a while now. Long enough that Svelbald is now actually a golem.... But I also played him briefly in a 5E campaign that my girlfriend DMed where he was finally able to shine in his full, queer glory and start a quest to rescue his half-orc boyfriend from slave traders. Also, he made friends with some guys working in a brothel who were eager to coach him on the ways of the world. When we happened to find a magical... ahem... ring in an actual extra guidebook that had the grease spell on it, we joked that one of the prostitutes should give it to Phos as a wedding present eventually.
So, back over in my main campaign, we had just gotten through a major plot-altering battle and, you know, done some real party bonding, and our other caster decides to hand out some gifts.
“We made these with each of you in mind,” they explained (plural because this other caster is two people sharing a body). “It’s a piece of jewelry with a spell on it that you can use as a free action once each day!”
“Oo, cool!” the rest of us said.
They start handing out these items, and it’s, like, one gal got a bracelet with a gravity well spell on it in memory of the time she singlehandedly held off, like, 12 tanks by dodging all their attacks for 8 rounds straight. Our kobold got a necklace that lets him turn into an actual massive dragon for an hour a day. Our soul-catching ex-fae got a thing where she can make an illusory phantom seem real to people. Etc.
The whole thing was real cute and sweet and my roommate made a joke that they were proposing to all of us.
And then they get to Phos.
“For you,” they say, “we have... this.”
Guys.
Guys.
Holy shit guys.
I have never... never come that close to actually choking, I swear.
The Ring of Grease.
I......
This guy playing these characters.... has no clue. Has no FUCKING CLUE. What he’s just done. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know that I’m gay, he doesn’t know that Phos is gay, he doesn’t know that Phos is dating a half-orc in our blithe little side canon.... And my poor roommate and I are sitting here on the other side of Discord just. Fucking dying. As silently as possible because he’s still talking to me so I can’t just mute myself without looking rude. I have to think of something to say. They’re all waiting for me to make some sort of thanks for this gift.
Somehow, I managed NOT to ask if they can increase the duration of the spell. Somehow, I managed not to say ANYTHING that would potentially offend or upset these poor little Mormon children. SOMEHOW I managed to just choke out an “Okay, thanks.”
That was last week. Today, we played again, and I just had to ask him, “Why that particular spell for Phos?” And all he could come up with was, “Well.... He has really high dex, so I figured he could use it without handicapping himself. Do you want something else instead?”
Oh no. Oh no, my friend. Phos is keeping this ring forever.
Just gotta figure out how to make that spell last longer than 1 minute.....
