i’ll give you something to make you call out god’s name. the thought strikes jim before he can stop it, and he’s glad ( not for the first time ) that his boss isn’t a mind reader. or, at least, is too preoccupied to use that required psych course rattling in any doctor’s brain to read jim like a book. luckily, it’s a common stream of consciousness at this point and doesn’t cause him to falter much, or prevent him from practicing comfort mode.
“ nah, ” jim replies, though takes a cautionary glance over his shoulder in the direction of joanna’s room. “ she did great today, so she’s got some free time to listen to the frozen soundtrack on repeat —— with headphones, you can thank me later. ” as much as he absolutely loves to see mccoy be a father, to see him take part in joanna’s hobbies alongside her… the guy looks dead on his feet.
and as jim steps closer to accept the drink, he just wants to knock it back and treat mccoy to a back rub, or something to relieve the weight from his shoulders… but he has some semblance of self control. even in the face of something so dismal. he takes a seat on the ottoman across from mccoy’s armchair, maybe closer than an employee should be to his employer. and maybe if his leg twitched just slightly to the left, their knees would brush together. the ‘ almost ’ feels electric in the air.
at least there’s that. there’s too much tension in the way mccoy carries himself for jim to be able to perceive how he ever so slightly relaxes at the reassurance. as long as jo’s okay. that’s what’s carried him through the past decade, what he prays will carry him through the next. it’s why he still tries with joss, why he works nights so he can be home when jo gets home from school.
“ nah, ” mccoy echoes, because there’s not much of a reason to lie to jim. their friends, jo’s teachers, his mom ---- he and joss have gotten pretty damn good at keeping up their facade. no need to get anyone else worried. “ nothing to do about it now, though. joss storm past you on your way out? ”
even as he says it, he regrets it. the vows they made fifteen years ago were never ones he meant to take this lightly, and it stings to talk about jocelyn as if she’s not his best friend anymore. she isn’t, hasn’t been in a while, but admitting that to anyone other than himself and god is a betrayal. “ sorry you keep having to hear this, jim. we didn’t think it would be . . . this bad when we invited you to stay. ”
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