i love being single except every few months when i want to be loved so bad that it eats me alive and makes me physically ill for two weeks but like the rest of the time im chill
Dating a man, you would think Hal is finally safe from this all too damning question.
"Do you think I'm fat?"
Hal snapped out of his previous view and met Bruce's gaze, "What?"
"You're staring at me while I'm touching my belly," Bruce huffed, hand still carressing the thick flab spilling out of his tighter-than-sin shorts, "You think I'm fat, don't you?"
Hal opened and closed his mouth.
Maybe telling his clearly bothered husband that he spent the last half hour staring at his ass is not the best idea.
"Well," Hal said instead, scooting to sit up at the edge of the bed, "You are fat. I don't just think; it's just true. And being fat isn't a bad thing either."
Bruce turned away from the mirror, hands on his wide hips and soft fat stomach spilling over his sleep shorts.
Maybe Hal should look into re-doing their marriage vows.
"Baby doll, it's not a bad thing to be fat," Hal insisted, taking Bruce's hands into his own, "And I don't think it's bad that you are. It means you've been alive long enough to have it, and you're eating enough to gain it."
Bruce frowned, cheeks dusting that all too familiar shade of pink, "But what if you don't think that I'm sexy anymore? I'm hardly the model-perfect Batman you met some odd 20 years ago."
Hal paused.
Hal blinked.
And then he pulled Bruce until he was sitting on Hal's lap, just right over his pronounced crotch.
His husband squeaked, "Oh..."
"Exactly," Hal chuckled, leaning close and peppering kisses on his tall nose, "You need more assurances, or what?"
Bruce bit his lip, barely hiding a smile, "I-I can go for... assurances."
I need you young people to know it was almost never this hot when I was a child. Millennials and Gen Xers are all nostalgic and excited about summer because it was about ten to twenty degrees cooler to experience it back then!
I cannot express to you how FAST it has gone. I grew up in a world that does not exist now.
We're starting on the path to reverse it, globally. You might not know how much solar has EXPLODED in the last decade or two. It's gone from a side thing, a weirdo novelty that was just Not Viable... to whole countries investing in infrastructure.
but we have to keep fighting big oil and fascism everywhere we can in order to keep on this road to a new better less scorching burning earth.
But any time you wonder wtf the weather is doing- THIS IS NOT NORMAL, NO. THIS IS NOT WHAT IT WAS EVEN TWENTY YEARS AGO.
something something it’s obvious how Jason still cares so much about the Batfamily as Red Hood because he is visibly horrified when they walk down range / into his shot
Jason working as a sniper for a full batfam operation and Dick flips into his shot and Jason has to visibly steady himself, but then Tim or Damian move into his shot after that and he has to physically step away because of how nauseous he gets at the thought of that.
A discussion about that mission being what gets Bruce and Jason to actually talk. Bruce knowing how scary that feeling is, how real that danger is.
Jason manufacturing his own bullets that hit hard enough to hurt but not to harm, not for the safety of the criminals, but fir the safety of the bats. (Like in Gotham Knights) (He convinces Bizarro to wear the Robin armor until he can't feel it under the armor)
Jason having to train himself, not out of the panic but to manage it. (Him years down the line seeing Cheshire/Speedy/Lian in his shot and years of training to manage those feelings suddenly aren't enough as he has to drop his hands to his sides to remove the danger)
Once again thinking about Wifeguy Hal in Batlantern but with Bad Batkids//
.
.
The kids forget, sometimes, that Hal was first a Green Lantern, then Bruce's husband, then their father.
The order of it all mattered, and they only become aware of it when it's too late.
Hal was already in a foul mood, already just about done with the universe and all its stupid convolution, and ready to crash into Gotham and pass out somewhere for a Bat on patrol to find, because he cannot be assed to find the manor himself.
It was patrol night, he was at least aware of that much, given the obnoxiously bright signal piercing through the thick night clouds. Any of the bats should be anywhere.
That's where he finds them.
Bruce standing by a ledge, cornered by his sons. Dick, the enabler standing right behind a livid Jason who was getting far too comfortable with the gun in his hand. Damian snarling after his brother, in a chorus of shouts that would likely have the vigilantes on tomorrow morning's news. Tim offering his unhelpful dry commentary in some distance.
Hal promised Bruce he'd never come between him and the kids.
But when Jason threw the loaded magazine at Bruce's head, it stopped mattering.
When Bruce stumbled backwards and off the 40-storey building, it stopped mattering.
When Batman kept falling and falling despite having a grappling gun on either side of him, it stopped mattering.
Because Hal was a Green Lantern before he was anything else — and he had a sworn duty to protect the defenseless. And then Hal was Bruce's husband before he was anyone else's — and he knew that Bruce is the most defenseless of them all.
Hal barely manages to catch Bruce before he hit the ground.
"Spooked me, Spooky," Hal gasped, cradling Bruce in his arms, "Baby, hey. Talk to me. Are you okay?"
Bruce was quiet.
That wasn't new. But what was new was the way he turned his head away, and the way his breath stuttered in his chest.
"Home," Bruce mumbled, curling closer to his chest.
That was all Hal needed to hear.
He pressed a kiss on Bruce's cowled head before placing him on a barricaded platform, "Give me a second, okay, doll?"
Bruce was quiet.
That wasn't new, but this silence carried a weight that spoke for what sort of vulnerabilities he left his husband to fend for while he was across the galaxy in his daring do.
Hal descended on the children, who weren't even looking at the ledge and were cackling and grumbling amongst themselves.
"...he probably grappled off to do something he doesn't want us around for, creepy guy that he is," Tim was sarcastically drawling when Hal landed by in a fiery flash of light.
That's why Hal punches him first.
"What the fuck!?" Jason screamed.
He barely has time before his entire body is encapsulated and locked on the floor in a jacket of green light.
Damian made a battle cry, but his sword wasn't even an inch out of his scabbard before Hal locked the boy's feet to the floor and plucked the blade off with a giant green hand...
...then shattered it
All that was left was Dick who had wide eyes that conflicted between relief, horror, and apology.
Because he knows.
Because Hal warned him — from the day he came into their lives and up until he married Bruce — that he was Bruce's knight, not theirs, not Gotham's.
And now, Dick was only half certain that Hal wouldn't choke him to sleep for the hell of it.
Only Hal doesn't give him the satisfaction.
Instead, he buzzed in through the ring and to the family's communications server, staring Dick in the eye as he spoke to their oracle.
"Get these boys away from us and keep them that way," he growled.
Oracle, decidedly surprised to hear his voice, asked: [On what grounds?]
"On the grounds that if you don't get them away from Bruce and I, I will find a way to keep them away myself."
He left them all to deal with the aftermath, the constructs fading away alongside whatever respect Hal afforded them at the moment.
Hal returned to the platform in the sky, where Bruce had taken off his cowl in favor of staring at the moon.
The husbands regarded each other.
"You hurt them."
"I did."
"Because of me."
"For you."
Bruce frowned, "I never asked you to."
"Someone had to," Hal insisted, "If it helps, I'd never hit Damian, and I mentally scarred Dick and Jason more than anything. Tim got punched though, not too hard."
Bruce didn't like the answer, but didn't go further than that.
"Don't do that again."
"I ran out of promises when I vowed to protect you above everyone else."
Hal crouched down and kissed Bruce's lips before he could protest their own marriage and lead them both to a fight neither of them wanted to have right now.
"Home?" Hal asked, nodding vaguely to the direction of Coast City.
Bruce nodded, trustful eyes looking into Hal's hope-colored eyes, "Home."
jayroy is so fucking funny when u realise that is dick's best friend and his little brother. IK roy was sleeping with one eye open for WEEKS after the fact lmfaoo
All the blame for this crack goes to @haveihitanerve and that Matt/Ben post
"So, you're telling me we are dating?"
"Mn."
"We?"
"Yes"
"Together?"
"... Usually how it goes, yes."
"Oh, don't be a smartass..." Hal contemplates for a second, not lifting his eyes from the Bat as he moves around machinery. "Why would I even date you?"
Bruce slowly turns around. The cowl covers his lifted eyebrows, but knows Hal can feel them rising to the sky. "What do you mean?"
"Just that, why-"
"No. I'm asking. Why would anybody not want to date me?" He half expected Hal to catch on the joke. He deflates at Hal's incredulous stare. A sigh "It was a-"
"HAH!" Hal barks. "How are you so full of yourself, Spooks?" And Hal is laughing. Bruce lets the air out of his lungs and turns to keep watching whatever it is on screen. "Who do you think you are? Bruce Wayne?" Hal is so busy laughing he doesn't notice the flinch, or the new input on the information about his memory loss.
"Why?" Curiosity wins. But he's still enough self aware not to turn around for the next question "Do you... Like Wayne?" He knows the recordings are going to hunt him every family meeting from now on.
Hal takes a second too long to answer. Bruce fears the answer.
"Who doesn't, dude?"
The way his body relaxed to the answer surely needs to be studied. He'll note that down for another occasion.
"I don't like him" He blinks in surprise to his own voice.
"Of course you don't" This time, he does turn around.
"What does that mean?"
"Exactly that. Of course big bad bat wouldn't like our Brucie." He bites down the smile forming "What's there not to like?" And Hal sighs.
He shakes the silly thoughts. "He's too fake"
"Too fake?!"
"His persona. He's just too-"
"Oh, shut up! He's lovely!" No. Don't let the dissapointment slip. "Sure. He is obviously acting for the cameras," oh? "but you can't tell me the way he smiles and coos at his children is an act!" Oh... "That man is pure love!" Oh. Oh shit. "And when he hugs the people he does charities for?! COME ON!!" Oh shit, oh shit indeed. "He's just-" a long sigh. "Just."
"Just"
Hal shrugs "Just."
Bruce takes a deep breath and sits on the cot's border. "Hal" he takes the man's hand, never missing how the man freezes on contact. Or maybe was his name. "Please don't panic"
He oh so slowly and carefully unclips the cowl from the back of his neck with one hand, never releasing Hal's from the other hand's grasp, and goes to pull his cowl forward. The movement has him looking down, so he lifts his head as he brushes his fingers through his messy sweaty hair.
Hal's eyes are comically wide. "Holy fuck"
"Love, breathe"
"Holy fucking shit"
"So-"
"How the fuck did I score Bruce Wayne?"
"... Wait. Now you believe me?"
"Shut up! Wait no, don't dump me. Sorry. Holy shit. Oh my fucking god. How the FUCK did I-? OH MY GOD AM I DEAD?!"
"Hal."
"This is insane"
"Hal. Love."
"Dude, you can't just- fwoosh! Hi! I'm Bruce Wayne at me!"
Bruce sighs, endearment slipping through his smile. "You're so stupid. Now I understand why you reacted that way the first time"
"The first- We're really dating"
Bruce nods.
"Oh my god. I need to call Ollie" Hal covers his mouth "I'm dating Batman AND Bruce Wayne"
Bruce can only cackle at the man he had promised to marry.
Batlantern is great because it's the only Batman ship where Bruce's partner can like his kids while also not taking any of their shit
Hal is a military man before he was a Green Lantern, and being both made him inject loyalty and devotion into his veins. He is a "wife > kids" sort of man and he won't hear your damn argument about it being otherwise. That extends to the kids.
Damian giving Bruce any lip, especially on an already bad day for Bruce? Well guess who is suddenly in a Lantern Construct of an Air Baby Jail. Is it humiliating, yes? Is it in a shape of a crib? Yes. Act like a child, get treated like one.
Tim deviating from Bruce's orders while in the field, and Hal hears it because his sweet boyfriend/husband/partner keeps a patrol radio by their bedside so Hal doesn't go restless with worry. Hal doesn't care if it's 2 AM and he's space lagged as fuck. He's hauling ass and hunting the boy down because "Your father said to stay in position and if I have to make you, I can and I will"
Dick makes a faux pas against Bruce after an argument that Bruce tried to shut down but he stubbornly made it go to far. Well, next day, none of Dick's manor keys work. Matter of fact, he has to re-log-in to every platform on the Bat Network because Hal has essentially used his ring to hack said network to push Dick out. The password to re-log-in? Dick has to type, word for word, a hundred times, the most notable mean thing he told Bruce during that argument.
Hal is taking none of their shit.
Bruce is pathetically spineless when it comes to his kids and when Hal first learned about it, he figured that explains a lot.
So when Hal and Bruce get serious enough that Hal is basically just as much of a facet in the family life? Total overhaul. Hal doesn't care if Bruce is right or wrong, they're going to respect Bruce for his patience or Hal will lose it on his behalf.
And if you ask the kids?
They are... surprisingly fine with it.
They're annoyed, definitely, but they will also begrudgingly admit that it is to their relief that someone good is here to have Bruce's side no matter what.
Bruce is either blissfully ignorant, or he's only allowing this if Hal promises not to hit the kids... which was a conversation on its own.
Hal, scoffing: I don't hit kids, Spooky. Least of all ours.
Bruce: No, but you made Jason do a wall squat for 30 minutes.
Hal: He called you a neurotic psychopath.
Bruce: He was reading my actual medical diagnosis.
Hal: Well I don't care 😠 only I get to call you a neurotic psychopath, actually
Hal: He had a tone and you know it. No son of mine gives his damn father any fucking lip, not if I have to anything to say about it.
Jason, from across the hall: Fuck you too, Mum.
Hal: Quiet ☝️ or I'm turning you into an orphan again
Somwhow it also meant that Hal is having a stare down with Alfred if he so much as breathed wrong in Bruce's direction.
the whole reason why they're so unnerving is BECAUSE there's nothing in them!! because they're unrelentingly liminal and lonely and uncomforting. there shouldn't be a monster guy in there chasing you. you should glimpse other humans (?) from a distance but they walk away before you can close the gap and then they're gone. things should run away from YOU. do u get it
"and there was a MONSTERowooowwohhhh" the monster is isolation and banal beige sameness and uncanny valley architecture. you fool. you rube. you're putting a hat on a hat and the second hat is not only unnecessary but it ruins the first hat!!!!!!! "there's a monster in there" great so now it's just another place for a monster to be. ridiculous
fine I will concede: you CAN actually put something in there while maintaining the vibes, but it should complement the location instead of just being a generic scary guy you could put literally anywhere
buzz aldrin and neil armstrong liked to do a thing where they’d tell unfunny jokes at parties about being on the moon and when people were confused they’d go “guess you had to have been there”
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