kittie's journal

₊ ˚˖࣪ ♡⋅₊˚. a collection of blogs posts and art msn autistic୨୧they/them

[kittiesjournal]

welcome to kitties journal

i bare my emotions and experiences before you because i know there are many autistic people early, late and self diagnosed alike who will be able to see themselves reflected in me. of course many will also not, as i have medium support needs and will not experience all that higher and lower support needs individuals will. And i share my story as this vast internet has allowed autistic stories to spark and shine, knowledge has been able to reach a world that has consistently lacked real experience and the real people behind them being told and listened to. In this moment i must also hold myself accountable for the fact that i can not have the experiences of marginalised communities with their intersections with autism, it is incredibly important we uplift the words shared by POC autistic individuals. 

my story may not be that rough but i wish to highlight the impact of being late diagnosed as well as the troubles with autism assessments due to my own poor experience the first time i tried to receive my diagnosis i knew truly fit. Furthermore, i want to express my story with struggling socially as it is a fundamental part of my existence now and growing up. i dream that my words will bring who ever is reading to feel seen, understood and comforted in the fact that they are not alone, or that if the reader is not autistic; to hold that empathy to use as kindness towards neurodivergent and disabled people they meet in their lives or see online, in media and so on.

i consider it one of my life’s dream to advocate for autistic people especially for myself, as for so long i did not understand why i felt so abnormal in this world. i want less and less people to feel that way, that no matter their struggles, they can find their way of doing things and exist as their true selves without feel dread of not being “normal”. 

this post will serve as an introduction to my blog, i would love to keep writing about instances in my life that i see as being relatable or truthful of my experiences being autistic. i may simply write about general autistic traits and such like stimming, special interests or literal thinking, to more intense discussion on burn out, loneliness and mental health comorbidities. there may end up being more id like to share through out my time writing this blog so i hope you stay and enjoy.

thank you for reading

kittie 

[kittiesjournal]

1 year with an Autism Diagnosis; a Retrospection

It’s Autism Awareness Month and today is World Autism Day!

Today is also the 1 year anniversary of me receiving my Autism Diagnosis, so I wanted to take some time to write about what's happened in the past year, what my official diagnosis brought into my life and what's happening in the future.

The day I got my diagnosis was ultimately a relief, as a previous assessment ending up in tears because they did not understand me at all, and the time it took to discover myself and re-evaluate my life. I was so incredibly happy because I knew people would finally understand who I am, why I am the way I am and because I knew I would be able to get the support I needed. My diagnosis opened the door for accommodations at school. I was able to set up an access plan to adjust how school looked for me; having extensions on assignments, being able to record presentations instead of presenting in front of my class and so on. Furthermore, I was able to apply for the NDIS scheme which was a slow process and I only got my plan in December but things are finally starting to be put in place and it's all very exciting but scary too. I even have my Functional Capacity Assessment tomorrow with my Occupational Therapist!

Over the past year I've been able to continue sharing my experiences with being Autistic, it allowed me to reach so many people who relate and connect with my story and it's the most wonderful thing. I've received messages and replies that express their gratitude towards me and it fills me with absolute joy. it's my dream to keep on connecting with the autistic community.

With all the good that has come with being diagnosed, I have still struggled. I am a medium support needs Autistic person, so there are many things I can't do or struggle to do. Going to university in person multiple times a week and having to keep up with the assignments left me burnt out every trimester . I've had meltdowns where I had to leave class early so I wouldn't end up crying in front of people and often had verbal shutdowns and still do. I hardly left the house because I could rarely do so by myself, and I had bad periods of agoraphobia. Last month I had a bad experience trying to go out by myself that caused a meltdown.

But luckily I was able to make some changes in my life. I'm studying a new course completely online and we moved houses to a much calmer area so it's less overwhelming to go out. But my support needs are still the same.

Looking to the future, I plan to work with my OT to figure out what supports I can get with NDIS; I'm hoping for sensory aids, routine/management tools and maybe even a support worker on occasion to help me access the community when my partner isn’t available and to help with tasks to take some pressure off them. Additionally I will continue to write and post about Autism and my story, working to become a good advocate! 

I am extremely lucky to have received my autism diagnosis, even if it was a late-diagnosis, it has made a positive change in my life and it was the right decision for me to seek out an assessment. 

thank you everyone who has supported me!!

-kittie

[kittiesjournal]

ALT TEXT for the dsm-5 images in my last post !!

A. Persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction across multiple contexts, as manifested by all of the following, currently or by history (examples are illustrative, not exhaustive; see text):

1. Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity, ranging, for example, from abnormal social approach and failure of normal back-and-forth conversation; to reduced sharing of interests, emotions, or affect; to failure to initiate or respond to social interactions.

2. Deficits in nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction, ranging, for example, from poorly integrated verbal and nonverbal communication; to abnormalities in eye contact and body language or deficits in understanding and use of gestures; to a total lack of facial expressions and nonverbal communication.

3. Deficits in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships, ranging, for example, from difficulties adjusting behavior to suit various social contexts; to difficulties in sharing imaginative play or in making friends; to absence of interest in peers.

Specify current severity: Severity is based on social communication impairments and restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior (see Table 2).

B. Restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, or activities, as manifested by at least two of the following, currently or by history (examples are illustrative, not exhaustive; see text):

1. Stereotyped or repetitive motor movements, use of objects, or speech (e.g., simple motor stereotypies, lining up toys or flipping objects, echolalia, idiosyncratic phrases).

2. Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns of verbal or nonverbal behavior (e.g., extreme distress at small changes, difficulties with transitions, rigid thinking patterns, greeting rituals, need to take same route or eat same food every day).

3. Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus (e.g., strong attachment to or preoccupation with unusual objects, excessively circumscribed or perseverative interests).

4. Hyper- or hyporeactivity to sensory input or unusual interest in sensory aspects of the environment (e.g., apparent indifference to pain/temperature, adverse response to specific sounds or textures, excessive smelling or touching of objects, visual fascination with lights or movement).

Specify current severity: Severity is based on social communication impairments and restricted, repetitive patterns of behaviour

C. Symptoms must be present in the early developmental period (but may not become fully manifest until social demands exceed limited capacities, or may be masked by learned strategies in later life).

D. Symptoms cause clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of current functioning.

E. These disturbances are not better explained by intellectual disability (intellectual developmental disorder) or global developmental delay. Intellectual disability and autism spectrum disorder frequently co-occur; to make comorbid diagnoses of autism spectrum disorder and intellectual disability, social communication should be below that expected for general developmental level.

credit to the dsm-5 lol

[kittiesjournal]

I want to begin with discussing that different countries have different processes for diagnosing Autism. It typically includes collecting information on early childhood, social understanding (both in observation and discussed experiences), sensory profiles and so on. Countries such as the US and Australia rely on the DSM-5 criteria, which is what I will be discussing today. The DSM-5 is a resource for psychologists and psychiatrists to refer to during assessment practices in any country. It states a list of criteria to receive an autism spectrum disorder diagnosis that I will share with you.

Now that we have discussed what the criteria is I wanted to discuss some comments and misinformation that has been shared online.

Firstly, autistic traits are human traits. You can be allistic (not autistic) and experience some traits of autism. For example stimming and repetitive behaviours are common in everyone for reasons such as stress, anxiety, even excitement. So this does not mean you are autistic, or “a little bit autistic”. You can be passionate about an interest and it not be a ‘special interest’ and you can have sensory sensitivities or dislike certain sensory input without being autistic. This is not gatekeeping autism. It's important to understand you have to meet the currently understood diagnostic criteria of autism to be autistic, not a little bit of it- all the indicated criteria (that in mind please remember some parts of the criteria in the dsm-5 states ‘2 of 4’ ect. And that is part of what I'm referring to).

This can translate into other countries methods and standards for diagnosing autism but it can also be important to research into the established understanding of autism in our current time.  You cannot gatekeep a neurological, developmental disability and you are either autistic or you are not.  

If you are reading this and are confused about what makes something an autistic trait; it is dependent on why you are experiencing this and how it impacts your day-to-day life. I can make more posts in the future about different autistic traits and how they show up but for now you can check out my posts on stimming and special interests!

I also want to make it clear that i do believe self-diagnosis is valid as it is often not an option for people to get a ‘official diagnosis’ due to its cost, family reasons and because there is still a bias in diagnosing autism for white children (mainly boys but more change is happening that includes the diagnosis of more girls). If you believe yourself to be autistic, please research as much as you can to understand yourself and learn what accommodations you can put in place to improve your day-to-day life. 

I wanted to make this post and a stepping stone for undiagnosed autistic people to learn more about autism and a chance for anyone to read through the criteria if they haven't had the chance before. Learning about this criteria back when I was 15 changed my life and then I got diagnosed at 19! (that was about three years i researched and learnt about how the traits show up in my life >3< )

If anyone has any questions about this or would like to share how autism is diagnosed in their country, please feel free to comment!! 

Thank you for reading!!

[kittiesjournal]

Autism and Feeling Perpetually Younger

Perpetually; forever, and never changing.

I have shared before the experience of many autistic people, in being perceived as childish and being infantilised. This occurs for many reasons; our mannerisms, our special interests and the stigmas around autism and disability. There are traits I have that may strike me as more childish to other people, and I have tried, in the past, to mask this. However, I just ended up feeling nothing like myself. It wasn’t just others who could possibly see me as childish; I saw myself that way.

Growing up and becoming an adult has expectations. You look around and see your peers meet these expectations, appearing flawless in their transformation to adulthood. The internal pressure I placed upon myself to be just as flawless as others didn’t seem to matter. I was stuck feeling constantly younger than those around me. I think about what other people around my age are able to do, the way they act and how they exist in this world. And I can never imagine myself doing the same because it feels like imagining a 12 year old in an environment where they don’t belong, standing among 20 year olds who don’t have to try as hard. It causes a heavy shame under my skin. I should be able to see myself as an adult but here I am never having had a job, needing comfort plushies to leave the house, having special interests in children's shows and books. When I look in the mirror I feel as though I still see the 15 year old me staring back, like I haven't changed for 5 years.

In accepting this is how I feel, I must also hold myself accountable, for the fact that my experiences and my existence makes me no less of an adult, along with other people who feel the same as me. Even if I still feel perpetually younger than my peers, I have grown in many ways. In finding out im autistic and coming to accept that, in finishing highschool and transitioning into university, and even moving out to live with my partner. I can find joy in expressing my “childishness” and it's important to be authentic in who I am which includes not putting pressure on myself to be like my peers. And, this doesn’t mean others are allowed to infantilize me or others like me. We each have different accomplishments, that won't look the same between neurotypicals and neurodivergent people, that won’t even look the same between two autistic people and so on. 

No matter if I don't feel like an adult; I am one,

and we are all doing our best as we grow up.

Thank you for reading !! Bye!!

[kittiesjournal]

Autism: Support needs, Spiky Profiles and my Experience

I wanted to take the chance to write about the levels of support and spiky profiles that are seen with being Autistic. It is a topic of importance to me as the growth of the Autistic community online increases, and it’s likely there is a percentage who are unaware of these terminologies. It also gives me a chance to share my experience as a medium support needs / Level 2 Autistic individual and to connect with other Autistic people and their experiences. 

First, let's discuss support needs. 

Autistic support needs refer to how much support, assistance and accommodations the individual requires in their day to day life. Currently many places will provide an indicated level of support to an Autistic person when they are diagnosed based on the information discussed in their assessment and Functional Capacity Report. This information will likely include, ability to perform self-care and home care tasks, ability in accessing the community, impacts from the need of routines, repetitive behaviours, sensory profile and special interests, and whether they require the assistance from other people (family, carers ect.)

There are Three Levels of Support, increasing in support needs:

Level 1 Needs Support, Level 2 Needs Substantial Support, Level 3 Needs Very Substantial Support. These are also often referred to Low, Medium, High Support Needs. 

But in continuing this discussion further it is important to specify some myths and facts surrounding these levels.

Every level indicates a need for support. If someone is diagnosed with Level 1, this does not mean they require no support, assistance, accommodations throughout their day. 

Every Autistic person is going to have their own set of support needs and accommodations that work for them and help them thrive as best they can. The aim of these support levels is not in line with the outdated language of functioning levels. There is no need to keep using “High-functioning” and “Low functioning” as they only get placed upon Autistic people based on the neurotypical standard of functioning, they are not indicative of the Autistic person's abilities and needs and no longer represent what we have learnt of the Autistic spectrum. Furthermore, an Autistic support needs are not set in stone, they are likely to change and shift throughout their life, even in a year, month, week depending on what is going on in their life, environment and other variables. Lastly, it's important to highlight the lives of all autistic people at different support levels and with different support needs. With the growing platform for autistic voices, higher support needs individuals may be overshadowed by lower support needs autistics. “Nothing about us, without us.” must include Medium/High support needs autistic people alongside Lower support needs autistic people. 

This can lead into the understanding of ‘Spiky profiles’.

This term refers to the skills and abilities autistic individuals have that may not correlate cohesively or expand into all areas. This is not something that is used officially in diagnosis, in support resources ect. But it has been developed by autistic people to explain that they may have high and well developed skills in a handful of areas while lacking in skills in other areas. For example an Autistic person may be really good with language, writing and literacy but struggle with self-care and require a support worker to help them get ready for the day. This allows us to honour our skills; sharing what we love to do, understanding where we need support, and help feel more positively about our skill set. No matter the level of support an autistic person has, each person has a skills profile that is a representation of themself, and is not something to compare yourself to others with.

Now that I have discussed the topics of Support needs and Spiky Profiles, I'd like to share my honest and real experience and my profile of where I am in my life currently. As I mentioned in the introduction, I have level 2 / medium support needs which was indicated by my diagnosing psychologist. In my understanding, having level 2 support needs feels like being in a middle void between having independence and being dependent, leaving my skills profile very spiky. My support needs expand to a range of areas:

I need prompting to complete self-care and house care tasks, meaning that i shower only a couple times a week, i rarely brush my teeth, i can forget to brush my hair, it takes a lot of energy to perform these tasks especially if i were to try to do them everyday. Furthermore, I need to be prompted to complete house chores fully and there are some chores I cannot do. This is often because of sensory sensitivities and executive dysfunction as well as pathological demand avoidance. 

I struggle with leaving the house by myself. There are instances where I have been physically able to, but it is dependent on different variables; is it somewhere I have been before with someone else? Do I know the route? Do I have sensory accommodations and comfort/safe items? 

It also takes a huge amount of energy to do so and leads me to be exhausted, needing to rest or I can even become overwhelmed and meltdown / shutdown. Therefore it is in my best interest to have a support person when I leave the house. 

This also expands into being unable to work in a standard job like my neurotypical peers. I have never been able to get a job as even an interview is too much for me. My psychologist indicated that even with support, I would only be able to work at most 10 hours a week. Because of this it is my goal to have a job that is not the standard 9-5 work; An Artist! 

My support needs also include needing support and guidance in social interaction. I have deficits in my social abilities as Autistic people do, leaving me “failing” social situations. My partner will guide and direct conversations in my place when we are together and socialising with other people. Additionally, I have periods of verbal shutdowns where I am unable to speak. I make use of an e-writer to communicate, i also plan to make communication cards and have text to audio AAC app as options. 

The last point i would like to share about my support needs is that i struggle with transitions and autistic inertia, i can often be driven to stay focused on one thing, stuck when it comes to changing or starting tasks, as well as having rigid thinking, being hyper focused on my special interests and overall finding it easier when i have a routine to follow. There are two things that help me when i'm stuck; a support person to guide me into the next task or if i'm alone; music, so there is something that is the same as i change tasks.

My support needs indicate the lower points of my Spiky profile; where my skills aren’t the strongest but I accept that, I accommodate that and then praise my high points.

I am a great learner! I can pick up skills pretty easily especially when they're on the creative side but overall I love learning. I was given the highest award at my high school graduation for Literary Studies, Psychology and Physic! I can draw traditionally, digitally, I can paint and craft, I'm learning to sew and I love to sing and write. I care about people, I'm good at listening and always want to show my love for people. I can cook a pretty good meal or bake yummy sweets most of the time.

Each person has a set of skills that makes them who they are, driven by their passions, interests and what's important to them. Autistic people will struggle in some skill areas, but they are able to balance out when they have the support, assistance and accommodations they need! Autistic people can thrive no matter the support they need. We are disabled but we have strengths too.

Thank you for reading!!

-Kittie

[kittiesjournal]

for as long as i can remember i have felt some level of loneliness piling up under my skin. no matter if i had friends, that feeling didn’t dissolve. i exist in a state where i feel disconnected from other people. I see how others create strong bonds with one another, understanding how to form those friendships and know just what to say and do the right way- but i cannot and don’t know how. As i am autistic i have social ‘deficits’, i miss social cues, I’m not innately good at back and forth conversations, i struggle to speak to those around me and so on. That has left me behind. There has been many a times throughout my life in which i have reflected on how poorly i socialised, how i couldn’t match the way others naturally connected and where my friends seemed to more effortlessly interact with each other then i could with them. This all led into meltdowns. I begged and pleaded for the universe to just let me be normal, to let me feel like i belong around people instead of feeling so alien. Of course nothing really changed, i still feel the loneliness echo in my chest. Over time however, i unmasked more and found who was truly my closest friends and i was able to feel more connected in the ways that work for us, for me. i love them dearly. For a while i was able to hang out lots and i formed great memories with them. Im lucky to have these friends as friends in my past haven’t always treated me fairly. But at some level i still felt trapped behind glass, and then i moved away. i struggle to message them all often which only pushed me back further into my loneliness as well as guilt for feeling like a bad friend. Not to mention, my struggle at university, i sit alone in every class unable to socialise with my classmates wishing i could, and hoping that maybe someone will want to talk to me. As alongside this loneliness is the fear i am unapproachable, too weird, too quiet - still not normal. Additionally the rest of my time i am either with my girlfriend or alone. 

I don’t know how i can manage to fend off this loneliness in my life as i feel my social abilities keep regressing. i just want to feel connected.

[kittiesjournal]

Stimming

i wanted to take some time to write about stimming!! a lot of neurodivergent individuals may already know about stimming but this is for anyone who may not know whether they are neurotypical or just beginning to learn about themselves or just don't know much about what stimming is.

Stimming, also known as ‘self-stimulatory behaviour’ is any behaviour that provides some form of sensory interaction, which can include the 5 senses as well as proprioception. This is done by every person for a multitude of reasons, often it is to regulate emotions, stimulate our brain and body, or even as a way to express our emotions. 

Although it can be done by anyone, stimming is a very prominent trait seen with Autistic people, these behaviours are understood to be stereotypically; rocking, jumping, flapping hands, spinning even more harmful stims like hitting your head. This is not every autistic person’s way to stim, each person is different and it's also okay if you/they stim in stereotypical ways, personally i do stim in these ways. 

A note I'd like to make is that  it is vital to reduce and replace harmful stimming, but forcibly stopping an autistic person from stimming can be emotionally and mentally harmful as well. 

Stimming for autistic people can be one way we cope with overwhelm, stress and regulate, whether from sensory environments, social scenarios, disruptions to routines, and so on. It can also be a way to express emotions that feel too strong to keep inside our bodies and just because it feels good to do these actions.

When something makes me so happy, for example things to do with my special interests, i have to stim, i flap my hands and jump up and down because it feels like there’s energy flowing under my skin from joy. In the past when I didn't know I was autistic yet, I suppressed my stimming as a result of masking. And so when I felt those moments of energy under my skin, even when it was joy, I could help but feel like I needed to cry just to get the feeling out.

Although I would hide that feeling too. Not stimming can be painful for Autistic people. However there are still scenarios where Autistic people, specifically those who are a part of marginalised communities (those who are not white, cis and so on), have to mask their stimming for the sake of safety which is important to remember with advocacy for autism. 

[kittiesjournal]

my friend; fox

poetry by kittie

tiny fox, your paw prints dart across the ground in a trail that follows along side me. we met not too long ago, your red fur seemed well painted among the trees. when i left the woods and the wild - you followed.

you are unharmonious within this city but so am i, so as close as we can to each other; we stay. those arduous noises and the people that crowd the world around us. however much they hurt you too, you promise my comfort within the touch of your fur and the warmth of you in my arms, as soon as i need you.

instead of waiting for me at home, you now accompany me to school. i was worried of imminent glance and distasteful judgements. “a fox at school? a fox as a friend?” but your eyes, dear fox, felt like protection, a ward against all things mean. those glances from others never reached me.

sweet tiny fox, i’m glad to have found you.

in a world so scary, your paw prints alongside me keep me going. and together we can explore the great city, but also stay home.

[kittiesjournal]

gender

i keep getting misgendered. I know it’s not obvious that i am genderqueer in any way due to my appearance, and that my gender expression is my femininity. i go to university and get called by she/her pronouns the rare times i am addressed or spoken about in spite of the pronoun badge i wear on my lanyard. I suppose its small enough in which people can ignore what it says.

I am agender (they/them) and it’s an important part of my identity. I have known i wasn’t cisgender since i was 12 but i have never been very vocal about it to my peers and such, outside my friend-groups simply because my struggles to socialise. But it is something fundamental to my being; my gender identity sits interconnected with my autism. So ignoring it is ignoring a whole part of what makes me who i am. Other people ignoring it when ive told them would just hurt, i would love to talk about my experience of gender with my classmates but i am not friends with them anyway. But still i sit quietly in class hoping that maybe id hear the right pronouns.

Beyond the misgendering i experience, i feel as though my gender is not easily understood by those who are not autistic. I believe gender to be a restrictive social construct, an idea formed in us through teaching and example since we were young through stereotypes and expectations. I only embodied these stereotypes and expectations due to the need to fit in with my peers. My denial of this social function is tied with my Autism. Therefore i also explain my identity with the term Autigender.

I experience gender dysphoria socially and in terms of body image, it makes me uncomfortable and sad in the ways it typically does for genderqueer individuals. But to further explain; i feel i need to be perceived as a genderless doll, a nonhuman entity undefined by human gender, as overall; i do not feel human as much as i do not feel like any gender. If i could have no sex defining characteristics i would. If i could erase the world’s gender construct i would. That is what would provide me with satisfaction, and would rid me of dysphoria. I feel as though there is so much i cant find the words to explain but i wish i could, and hopefully people will understand.

[kittiesjournal]

My Autistic Journey

It is typical to hear from autistic people that they grew up knowing that they were weird, different and out of place with other individuals and in social groups, and I am not excluded from that experience, however I wasn't the most aware of it as I grew up. I thought my differences were simply because I had different interests, hobbies and personality, not that my excessive “shyness”, restrictive and repetitive behaviours and sensory preferences weren’t something that would magically disappear when I got older. I remember having fantasies of how popular I would be when I got to high school… I was so terribly wrong. 

I won't lie, my memory sucks, I have a lot of trouble remembering autistic traits I had experienced in my early childhood. I find myself struggling to remember a lot of things from growing up unless I had paid special attention to those moments in time. However, the first moment I realised that I could be autistic was in Year 10, I spent so much time researching every single symptom I could. This revelation sparked a grand understanding of myself and I finally felt as if I could see myself better. The mirror before was always cloudy but now, I could now clearly see the glimmer in my eyes; a part of my true self. 

Things began to fall into place, this was the reason I felt so alien to the world around me, why I felt like I had never belonged anywhere. The year prior to my revelation; the dreaded year 9, was the worst year in my schooling. With an increase in my anxiety and depression, being bullied and being incredibly disconnected from my friend group at the time, it is no shock to why it was the worst. My social confidence and my skills are definitely lacking due to being autistic however the way i was treated within my old friend group did not help. I was constantly shut down and complained about when I would infodump about my interests, and excluded frequently. Now briefly, i would like to mention a funny little tale of my primary school years;

If I had a dollar for every time i was abandoned by my friends during break times after I had been in the bathroom, then  not being able to find them and ending up crying to my sister, I would have $2, which isn’t a lot but it's weird that it happened twice.

This, in my high school experience, transformed into being excluded from group plans and told things like “omg sorry we forgot to add you to the group chat - we totally will though”. Loneliness was my truest friend in that group. Although I had put on a mask constantly in hopes to be treated the same as the individuals in the group, I ended up, during break times, simply not talking. There would be maybe a couple words in response to questions but that was the first instance in my life my anxiety and uncomfortability caused me to become frequently non (or at least low) verbal. 

In response to my experiences with that friend group, I found myself repressing who I was and what I loved. I am still to this day afraid of info-dumping and often apologise after I catch myself doing it. I mask so much it instead feels fake when I am being my autistic self,  I believe I lost touch with myself. I felt so disconnected from people that it became hard to feel like I was truly friends with anyone. Many nights were spent crying because I am not normal, not like everyone else. I begged the universe to let me be normal. But of course, because im autistic, my brain just wasn’t built ‘normal’, I don’t understand how to socialise, I don’t understand non-verbal communications and don’t even get me started with understanding emotions. I could not understand why I couldn’t bond with people the same way they did with each other and often questioned why everyone was closer with each other than I could ever experience. I know that even now, I don’t think I could ever feel and experience friendship the way everyone does, and I missed out on that crucial part of life. It's like I'm on a different plane of existence, akin to the artificial intelligence in media that other characters may care for but never in the same, human way they bond with each other. Some nights I still cry. Some days I'm still extremely lonely.

In spite of all my troubles and loneliness I was lucky to find some light, in my later years of schooling and to the present time, I have some pretty amazing friends and I am slowly learning how to exist in friendships while being my more authentic autistic self. Weirdly enough, these friends are all likely to be Neurodivergent (i helped them realise) and i guess that makes it easier. Even though I have these amazing friends, I'm still learning how to be myself around them and I still at times feel disconnected - not knowing how to socialise and my other autistic struggles don’t just disappear. There have been many occurrences where I have completely fumbled and messed up in these friendships but they understand me better than any other friends I have had.

Some quick acknowledgements of two important people in my life;

I have had one consistent friend since year 4; my best friend and I am grateful for you, that you’ve been by my side while I've been figuring all of this out. Also I'm sorry that you’ve had to coincide with my autistic self since we were 10 (sorry i made you reenact frozen everyday).

And in addition to friendships, romantic relationships are another terrifying territory. I don’t know the right things to say, how often to talk and how to keep conversations flowing, flirting is a mystery, and I don't know how to show my feelings and at times it may seem harder to tell if I care. But, I promise I will. To my girlfriend, my dearest, I'm sorry and thank you for being kind and patient, for always supporting and encouraging me in all my ‘quirkiness’.

These experiences, my mistakes, help me grow everyday and due to the extensive support of those around me I felt encouraged and confident enough to seek a diagnosis for my autism. However my journey of getting a diagnosis was extremely rocky. The first time I had brought up my thoughts on me being autistic to my mother I was met with a “why” and silence, the second time she asked if I wanted to try and get a diagnosis - I obviously said yes. This began my experience with the company Autism SA. I completed a self-referral application to get an appointment, I was sent paperwork and forms to fill and send back, and was told I would have to be on the waiting list for 18 months. In the end I didn't have to wait the full 18 months, I got my appointment, I went in at 9:30am on the 6th of February and that afternoon I realised this was one of the worst days of my life. They told me I didn't meet the criteria (in the feedback report I received on a later date they wrote that I met none of the criteria - the biggest lie I have ever heard). The appointment was fraudulent, I felt so uncomfortable and anxious because this was something I had never done before with complete strangers, so I masked. They sat me in a room constructed for young children, just me and the speech pathologist and she asked me questions, but nothing too in depth about my autistic experiences. It was obvious she only knew autism as the basic textbook version of male-aligned traits, it was obvious that she; a neurotypical, allistic individual would never understand me. I have many regrets that day, i should have said more about my traits and experiences, shown a list of them, let myself not mask for once in my damn life -  maybe then things would have been different and i would be sitting here writing about how great it is to be able to receive help and be understood. Instead, that afternoon, I cried and cried and cried. For the first time in a while I cried in my mothers arms, I think in that moment she truly understood the autistic me. I had never felt so invalidated and unheard in my life, i felt more depressed and alone than i ever felt just existing as an autistic person in this unfit world. I still feel that way anytime i think about that day for too long, it's hard to write this all down. Autism SA told me it was most likely “just anxiety”, like what many AFAB individuals are told when they are actually autistic, as if my anxiety doesn’t stem from my autistic traits and struggles. 

This terrible moment in my life was of course not the end, life flows on and I had to as well- so I wrote a 5000 word document on all of my autistic traits to prove them wrong (i sent it to the psychologist who had been in charge of my assessment). 

After getting out the frustration and needing to feel validated for my experience, I am in a better state of mind. I read Chloé Hayden’s book Different, Not Less (and watched so many of her YouTube videos) and I felt seen, I felt inspired. So now, in my present self, I am learning to be my truest self, my special interests are accepted; I am creating art everyday and now I'm writing too. I let myself stim in around others and in public, i don't ignore my sensory struggles and instead i make accommodations and seek support for them. I can notice when I am burnt out and I take care of myself when I am. There has been so much I have struggled with in terms of my autism but I can write about those another time, for now this is one step. Now I am and always will be honest about who I am. I am autistic.