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Ujin Shamoney

I used to have a barrier to emotions. Dark flat gray wall of depression, granite filling my every pore, my veins. I couldn’t feel or hurt and sometimes all I could do was think about escape, the warm plan of turning out my own lights kept me pushing forward.

People say depression is an emptiness, but to me it’s something that fills you up until there’s no room for anything else. You want to end it not because you have nothing but because you have nothing else.

Anyway, that’s what’s different now when I feel bad. I still feel, there’s a space in me for those feelings. Too much space. I’m agoraphobic. When I feel bad it rushes through this open heart that used to be full of ice and bones, it floods my body out of control.

I can feel so hard I hurt, I feel sick. And I might miss the stone sometimes. I know the rush will subside, I know sadness is something that now flows out of me, not just in. Still, when I’m curled up sick with emotional pain, I miss my wall a little.

cipheramnesia

I just want to add that re-conceiving depression as too much, rather that too little, is something that was a great boon to me.

It’s difficult for humans to comprehend an endless void, so when people think depression is an emptiness, a lack of feeling, they don’t understand why they can’t fix it by filling it up. You give someone love, kindness, caring, friendship and you can’t fill the void, but you don’t know where it goes.

But fullness is a concept we understand. We can understand how you can’t fix a full glass of water with more water. You can’t fix feeling sick from overeating with more food. And you can’t fix someone filled up with depressive emotions by adding other emotions. That’s why we get overwhelmed, why we get introverted, why we can’t do things.

We’re full, and even a little bit more is too much.

Not being full anymore, it’s a different nightmare but now I see the difference. I can let things end, I can let go of things, I can finish things because holding onto every bad feeling isn’t functional.

I run, and I jump, and I skip unironically because I’m finally not full. I’m light.

julydogs

Hiroshige: from One Hundred Famous Views of Edo 1858-59 woodblock print

thecommonchick

sees cat being naughty and scoops him up: This is a disciplinary hug. Do not derive joy from it.

naughty cat: purrs loudly

imposterogers

I bet thor sometimes goes out to Midgard forests and talks to the trees just in case they’re listening

imposterogers

thor, fresh out of college and ready for real life applications: hello friends! I realize you are not flora colossus, but perhaps you can understand the language. I am groot, I am groot :)

the trees:

thor:

the trees:

thor: that is alright!!! perhaps you are shy! we shall be friends regardless!

thetigers

livebloggingmydescentintomadness

a collection of tweets, part 12

(the series)

cipheramnesia

I’m just a suffiently advanced technology indistinguishable from magic.

valtsv

instead of saying “i want to kill myself” whenever something bad happens to me as a result of circumstances beyond my control i’ve started saying “i’m going to kill god” and it’s honestly done wonders for my self-esteem

valtsv

you know what? 2019 mood