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@kitvscptsd
Struggles with serotonin sickness side effects finally bring me to a neurologist and an EEG.
Good news on a rough day.
I Will be Proud of My Progress
Rather than focusing on the things I should be doing that I am not, I am going to be proud of the things I HAVE accomplished today. Â Fight wants to tell me that with all the time I have in the day, it is ridiculous how little I have done and I have no right to be proud of doing things that other people are doing today in addition to so much else. Â But Fight is wrong. Â I am struggling today. Â PMDD makes my CPTSD triggers much more sensitive. Â There have been days like this where I barely even moved - didn't eat, just started at the TV from the moment I dropped my kids off at school until I picked them up. Â Today is evidence that I am making progress. Â I am overcoming some of these hurtles. Â Yes, It's been a hard day. Â But I went to my EEG appointment on time and dressed in fresh clean clothes. Â I fixed my hair rather than just wearing a hat. Â I put the windshield wiper fluid in my car, which I've been putting off for a couple weeks. Â I went to a gas station and washed my windshield when I discovered that my wiper fluid squirters seem to not be working. Â I filled out my bullet journal. Â I put in a load of laundry, took my partner's laundry out of the dryer for him, moved the first load to the dryer, and added a second load. Â I wrote a blog post. Â I journaled a little in my bullet journal. Â I introduced two friends struggling with the same autoimmune disease. Â I thought through my defensive Parts and PTSD triggers several times. Â I'm writing this post. I have done a lot today considering how much my brain is fighting me. Â Now I have to work on remembering what my therapist told me yesterday, when I identify and calm down a part and "do the thing," I need to pause and focus on that instance to commit it to memory and help rewire those neural pathways. I am proud of what I've done today. Â I have done many things I didn't want to. Â I am making progress and I am proud of that.
I had a difficult realization this morning: Caring for my children is sometimes triggering. My one consolation through this whole thing has been that I have held it together for my kids. Photo by DâŠ
How Complex PTSD effects parenting and the first steps in working through it.
How Do You Change Your Life in the Middle of It?
When you develop an illness that means you canât use the career experience youâve built for yourself. When you still have six figure student loan debt. When you really have no idea what you want to be when you grow up - but you technically grew up 18 years ago... What do you do?
âIâll feel better when Iâve had my period.â Alternatives.
âIâll feel better when Iâve birthed this blood childâ
ââŠpaid tribute to the blood godsâ
ââŠunleashed the red demonâ
ââŠswum the Red Seaâ
ââŠfinished saucing my tacoâ
ââŠenacted full communismâ
add your own
â...released the kraken.â
Image from âThis is Why Iâll Never Be and Adultâ from Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh. If youâve never read it, youâre wrong. Iâm writing again today. That sâŠ
Finally back. Two new posts up. What does it look like when your productivity ebbs and flows?
How brain science explains queer trauma, conflict and call-out culture
âScholars of the brain are fond of saying âwhat fires together, wires together,â which refers to the brainâs tendency to form neural networks (pathways in the brain that form certain thought, feeling and behavioural responses) that become stronger and stronger every time they are used. Trauma theory holds that traumatized inviduals â and, I would hypothesis, queer and trans community as a whole â have well-worn neural networks shaped around the deeply held physical sensation that we are constantly in danger, that we are bad and unloveable, that others are untrustworthy and violent. Every time we are abused, discriminated against or neglected, those neural networks become stronger, while our neural networks associated with safety and loving relationships atrophy. We become physically less capable of imagining a world where being with others is not synonymous with being unsafe.â
Read the whole thing.
popping in from my continuing hiatus to add my reccomendation here because this is important.
this article references and explains some of the work from the cutting edge of complex trauma theory in an easily read and accessable way. i highly encourage my fellow marginalized traima survivors to take the time to read the entire thing.
A day or two ago an acquaintance from work texted me to say hi. Sheâs another attorney who I have chatted with here and there and get along with well, but not one I really consider a friend. âŠ
Something lovely happened today.
Every day since ending my abusive marriage.
I wonât be watching the Bundy Tapes on Netflix.
Instead I will be reading and thinking about Ted Bundyâs victims. I wonder where their movies are. I wonder why their names arenât raised.
I wonder why we donât hear about Lynda Ann Healy, a 21 year old psychology major about to graduate that semester. Lynda worked with handicapped children and got up early every day to report on the skiing conditions for local radio.
I wonder why we donât hear about Debra Kent, a 17 year old aspiring social worker who was known for always having change to feed parking meters for strangers.
I wonder why we donât hear about Susan Curtis. Susan was only 15 years old and was riding her bike to church that day. She was a star on her high school track team.
In a world filled with kind, beautiful people, I wonder why we all know Ted Bundyâs name. I wonder if that isnât giving him and people like him exactly what he wanted. And frankly Iâm sick of hearing people talk about him.
Iâd like to talk about 12 year olds Lynette Culver and Kimberly Leach, neither of whom turned 13 because Ted Bundy stole their innocence and their lives from them. Kimberly had just been elected first runner up âValentine Queenâ by her peers and never got to wear that pretty new dress. Do you think her parents still have that dress, hanging in the back of a closet? I bet they do. I bet her dad sits with it in his darkest moments. You ever thought about him when you hear the name Ted Bundy?
Letâs talk about 19 year old Susan Rancourt, who had a 4.0 GPA. 17 year old Laura Aime. 18 year old Georgeann Hawkins. 23 year old Janice Ott. 26 year old Nancy Wilcox. 23 year old Caryn Campbell. 17 year old Melissa Smith. 19 year old Donna Manson, who was an excellent flute player and by all accounts a bit of a goth. 20 year old Kathy Parks. 22 year old Brenda Ball. 20 year old Lisa Levy. 21 year old Margaret Bowman. 25 year old Denise Oliverson, who had just gotten into a spat with her new husband and had gone for a walk to clear her mind. Denise weighed 105 pounds. She was bound, gagged, raped, mutilated and thrown from a fast moving car. Have you ever considered what HIS life has been like since that day? How many hours of his life do you think have been spent on the floor, clutching the ring he had given her, apologizing into thin air?
These stories are real. These people are REAL.
I get that Ted Bundy was handsome and his eyes were very blue but please. Please stop glamorizing him like this. He ended and ruined lives. Nothing about him is cool or worthy of emulation. Ted Bundy raped, tortured, mutilated and strangled over 30 females, including 12 year old girls. None of his victims weighed more than 115 pounds.
Ted Bundy was a pathetic man.
Emulate Lynda. Emulate Debra. Raise their names and their voices to those around you. Honor them. They were very real people with promising lives and futures stretched ahead of them, stolen.
Please donât elevate or whitewash this kind of rampant violence against women. I assure you the world is harsh enough for us without a new generation thinking Ted Bundy is a cool, fascinating guy.
Thanks.
You deserve a relationship that enables you to sleep peacefully at night.
R. H. Sin
ââYes,â said a voice, and Tiffany realized that it was hers again. The anger rose up, joyfully. 'Yes! Iâm me! I am careful and logical and I look up things I donât understand! When I hear people use the wrong words, I get edgy! I am good with cheese. I read books fast! I think! And I always have a piece of string! Thatâs the kind of person I am!ââ
â Terry Pratchett, The Wee Free Men
âBlessings be upon this house,â said Granny, but in a voice that suggested that if blessings needed to be taken away, she could do that, too.â
Terry Pratchett âWintesmithâ
Weâve been divorced for two years. He still owes me $3500 from the divorce. I paid off all the marital debt, after being the sole breadwin
He got what he deserved in court today. I just wish I didn't feel guilty.