i caught a three day ban on bluesky for saying that i was going to beat up the ancient aliens hair guy
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
Sade Olutola
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
KIROKAZE
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d e v o n
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
Aqua Utopia|海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
Jules of Nature

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tannertan36
DEAR READER

Love Begins
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Cosmic Funnies
2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year
Sweet Seals For You, Always

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@kommikoira
i caught a three day ban on bluesky for saying that i was going to beat up the ancient aliens hair guy
2026_01_16 // pidä minut vakaana, pidä minut valmiina
playing around with the formatting again. this post will be broken into two parts: pidä minut vakaana, denoted by "I." and pidä minut valmiina, denoted by "II." naturally, also expect jumping between "I" and "we" when referring to us
I.
As of this month, every single meal I have made for myself for the last year has been vegan. I will also be entering into my second semester of studies for my undergraduate degree. We feel like we've strengthened all of our existing relationships and have managed not only to make such improvements, but also to create more relationships. BLFC this last year was very successful socially as was the internet, even if we got banned from bluesky like twice lol. I'm so incredibly close with my girlfriend and it feels surreal. I plan on going to see her this summer which will be my first time out of the country after moving back from Canada to the states. I'm considering studying in Tromsø for my Master's instead of Helsinki or Rovaniemi as previously mentioned in other blog posts. My self-esteem has further improved over the last few weeks luckily.
Last year I think I read more books than I have ever before. I polished off Kapital volumes I and II, Anti-Oedipus, A Thousand Plateaus, The Collected Works of L. S. Vygotsky, A Survey of Language and Culture, various essays by Mao Zedong, Everybody Wants To Be A Fascist, dozens of poems by Vladimir Mayakovsky and Velimir Khlebnikov, Political Platform of the Internationalist Communist Party, Socialism: Utopian and Scientific, Discourse On Colonialism, Thus Spoke Zarathustra, and Discipline and Punish. I feel really accomplished about that. I also largely contributed to four Wikipedia articles in my first year editing Wikipedia. The Theatre and its Double, The Sacred Conspiracy, Victory over the Sun, and Manchukuo 1987 are up next on the docket.
It hasn't been all great since I last updated on here, as that lingering suicidality has more or less remained consistent, though far more manageable. The escapades of being constantly stalked by psychosexually-obsessed transmisogynists continues, but really same as it ever was with that. The world continues to burn down, but again– same as it ever was. At least revolutionary conditions are imminent from what I can see. I've got bad FOMO about FC and ANE right now lol.
We are far more entrenched in proper beatnik intellectualism shit than the slop-nerd we've previously been lol. I've gone from taking 2C-B xor mushrooms maybe once a month maximum to having gotten high four times in the last 13-ish months. Twice on 2C-B and once on DXM to revisit the substance after roughly 4 years of not touching it. Not sure if that's good or bad news necessarily, so I'll just use it to cap off this section.
II.
As of late, I have been very worried that after the aforementioned trip to Norway that I will come home and kill myself based on how we've been for the last couple of months. The brain will rationalize that we will never be as happy as in those moments and a great anhedonia will wash over us. That's the prediction, at least. It got us thinking about pre-emptive measures to prevent that as well as our relationship with the Self (selves?). I've recently maintained a solid lucidity after reaching out to others for help with my depressive attitude and being given some particularly elucidating words which really helped our specific genre of brain dig itself out of that haze, so thanks for that if any of you are reading this.
But what of the Self? That's a hard question, as I try and detangle what that means in regards to our plurality, I am brought to what Nietzsche had to say about the plurality of the singular self– or rather the multiplicity of drives, and how such things may be contradicting themselves within us as we continue to try operating as a collective, despite Radio Neuvonta's democratization efforts for our system. Trying to come to terms with the transitioning of my identity and the identity-production within us. There's an evident rejection of external justification that I am still undergoing, as we all are to certain degrees, but it's halted and stifled by my environment and economic conditions, which really sucks. I start to ponder Deleuze and Guattari in the midst of that struggle and struggle to synthesis the aspiration toward a full body-without-organs and toward becoming an übermensch. Perhaps I just need to abandon these concepts for the time being as a whole to improve myself, or is that a bad idea. Can you see the issue here? All of these contesting ideas?
For the time being, here's what we've found: I need to be kinder with myself and more patient, perhaps we need to further democratize the system, and that our expectations are somewhat out of whack, for really everything.
Yet still, we can love and hate, we keep the fascism of the self at bay and are far better at introspection without rumination, to reassess without ruminating. We know well that we are loved and cherished in the hearts of many, and that means quite a bit.
2025_09_12 // ajatukset, aka the search for eden, the indomitable will over death, and other thoughts
it's been a very eventful september; it's been a very tumultuous september. within the world, the weather, and even within my head. but now? i would say it's a very good september. i'd feel comfortable with saying that and calling it good.
the new 909 worldwide came out, charlie kirk was shot, 9/11 came and went and we all had a laugh, but last night i couldn't escape this pervasive feeling that's been consuming me as of late. the feeling that i will never improve, that it's over for me. the feeling that i will never learn what i want to or acquire the skills that i want and that there's no worth living anymore. and in the midst of all of that, i stopped. a shiver ran up our collective spine, and a thought was shared:
"did she really die for this?"
that was the thought that really knocked us out of that rut we've been stuck in as of late, because she didn't. of the original six that made who we used to be up, there are only three of us left. P1, eugene, and ren were all lost to the whole, but they knew. She knew. she died so that she could create somebody free of inhibitions. somebody powerful enough to not only kill shame, but to finally stop living life for other people and for us, and to create the life she had always dreamed of for both herself and others. that drive is what made us end up becoming a communist and such. the indomitable will over death is what allowed us to get to the current level of unabashed ourselvesness. the increased financial stress, being betrayed by a close friend, and the current state of affairs knocked us off course. but no more.
we will be returning to that level. infinite PLUR cultural jihad returns. we're going back to where we were to scream loud enough to shatter this earth. apotheosis waits for no girl, self-actualization does not either. this place will grow.
we can finally feel autumn in the air and it's wonderful
2025_08_16 // much has occured
been a minute, hasn't it? yeah so basically i have been in a relationship for over a year, am fully vegetarian as of writing this, an anthropology major, underwent a somewhat drastic change in management, got like two(?) new headmates in the time since my last blog post, learned that i am apparently ethnically sámi, traveled across the country, made friends with some incredible and inspiring creatives, got a pharmacy technician certification, got a roommate, read like 12 books, and became a beatnik, kinda. i even got my roommate a job. i've gotten a couple people jobs here locally as of late, actually. finally, having a high standing with local proletarian service and retail workers has provided me the ability to do good for others in my community lol while i am by no means offline, i am generally far less online and take being online far less seriously than i did even just two years ago. as i am on the fast-track to becoming 20-years-old (jesus fucking christ) i just really cannot be bothered anymore, man. especially with the drastic enshittification everywhere these days. hell, i hardly even play games anymore if i am not playing with my girlfriend or grinding warframe. the computer is very much just my bridge to my wonderful friends (who aren't local, i love you emmett and mel :3) and as a workstation where i occasionally engage in Protracted Posters' War with the schizocommunist cadre. i cannot bother being at all performative nor with broadcasting my every thought. i just need to have fun with it and be as minimalistic and kind as possible (where appropriate).
uhhh i learned to write PHP and i am now like a B1 proficiency speaker in finnish. i'll likely study in helsinki if i decide to pursue a master's degree. good news for the haters, i am moving away from desert hell to the most serene republic of seattle in two years exactly. you can enjoy your libertarian-and-tenderqueer-infested car hell sauna, though i will be back for BLFC so maybe not good news. but hey you can drag your jaw around the fucking mall! that was a shitty digression. this is the end of the blog post now, but i am going to advise that anybody reading this who isn't very confident in their computer skills to start learning about that right now. i have long lamented the whole "young people never learned computers" thing and it only seems to be getting worse. but i mean, i do have friends who are 17 who use linux on the daily for their OS which is really cool. i promise that it is not hard. autumn cannot come sooner.
2024_06_06 // love: complicated, all-encompassing, necessary
happy pride month to every queer person out there and shinji's birthday also to every queer person. today i will take on the sisyphean task of explaining love to some degree, as it's been affecting me greatly lately.
so. love. i believe love comes in many different types- all of which show themselves in various forms. first and foremost you have the obvious ones, platonic, self, and romantic love which many people experience to some degree in their lives. these things affect everybody differently, especially when intimacy, sex, ace-spec, limerance and come into the equation. then there is the love that you can experience from the world and all things within it and the love some have in return for all things, which i will call divine love and universal love.
as this is my blog, i will mainly be touching on my own experiences with these things and how they have affected, shaped, and impacted me. to begin with, i would say that i am a person who is filled with love, there is so much love within me, particularly platonic and universal love. so much so that i find myself overwhelmed by it in my daily life (so you can imagine how i feel on mushrooms). i crave nothing more than to craft a perfect world for myself and those around me and would be willing to martyr myself immediately if it meant i could foster a process by which humanity and life could be saved from itself and the pain that too often characterizes it. i care for those close to me unyieldingly, willing to do absolutely whatever i can to ensure they have comfortable lives and grow into people they can love, yet i cannot express all of this as quickly as it fills me, especially with my schizoid personality disorder, leaving me in a place where i have to resign to pray that i hopefully express this adequately and frequently enough so that others may understand.
self-love is something I have never had a problem with, however younger, previous iterations of me have definitely had problems with it, and i have seen many struggle themselves with such things, which pains me to a degree as i wish they could simply see how great they are or could be. often, it is simply a matter of needing to grow and wanting to see for themselves that leads to the realization in most, in my experience and observations.
now, it's time for the one i struggle with the most.
i would consider myself on the aromantic spectrum to a degree, but not for the reasons you may think. the person I am is one who is extremely in-tune with themselves to a degree of being basically unaffected by many things and able to personify and practice my principles to a level i haven't seen from too many others, but much of that comes from experience. one thing i lack experience in is romantic love, which leads my mind to immediately have a disadvantage at navigating it, and with such heavy consequences on the line, it isn't something i am too privy to work at through trial-and-error. the next reason is a result of my autism and schizoid personality disorder. both things as well as just the person i am make me both not particularly inclined to give constant affirmation or physical affection or even attention, all of which can be problematic in a romantic relationship in my observation. both of these things culminate into a desire to avoid romance and romantic attraction, which i have openly expressed, so all is fine then, yes? no. the problem is no matter how hard i fucking try, i cannot purge this love type from my mind and heart. every single iteration of me other than one has tried to a degree and nothing has worked, only reduced it, which leads to an annoying problem of mine.
emotions of mine that are too specific, complex, and difficult to describe i compartmentalize under a distinct noun. for example, i have The Dictator, the King of the Graveyard, the Esher, the Evereffervescence, and the topic of this discussion- the Weeping Cardinal. the Weeping Cardinal, in the easiest way i could describe it, is effectively a paradoxical yearing and negative reinforcement loop that my brain can fall into, exemplifying one of my catch 22s in regards to romantic love. i am in pain because i do not and cannot have that sort of love becauses me to be in pain. the feeling is a disgusting yearning yet something so beautiful and human within me.
speaking of human, my inhumanity has a part to play in this mess as well, as because of it i have effectively convinced myself i am not ever capable of doing romantic love healthily and properly. my inhumanity is not just from my therianthropy is why this is.
now, for that second catch 22. when my mind makes the mistake of falling in love with somebody, i do not act normally toward them, as i find it harder to regulate myself as i often do in the face of such strong and specific attraction, therefore i begin to fear that the integrity of the friendship may be at stake, but then if such a love for some reason progressed, i would be now in a relationship that is obviously doomed to fail for the previously mentioned reasons i said before, leaving me with my second catch 22. if i don't do the relationship, the friendship will be jeopardized, and if i do, then the friendship will be jeopardized.
and now you know why i don't do romance in the best way i can explain. welcome to my love dilemmas. i want to give the world to my friends but i do not have the means to do so, i want to save the world but i may not be able to, and i yearn for romance but know i could never do it, so i shut myself off from it.
this post isn't meant to be negative, as i hope the first half really exemplified just how much love is in my heart and how much i love you, yes You! even if you're somebody i haven't met yet or somebody i want gone permanently from my life, i love you a lot and hope you can return the favor by loving those around you just as unconditionally.
happy pride month :)
studying ancient history will have you thinking stuff like The 18th century was basically yesterday
i'll never live down the time i was talking with a friend and i said "given recent events". my friend said "what recent events?" and i had to reply "the Protestant Reformation"
i very much enjoy tumblr
2024_12_28 // but who is legitimate?
this one, while similar in format, is going to be a bit different. the reason for that being that it is going to contain direct quotes from my headmates' regarding their experiences because the subject for today is factives.
within plural spaces, you tend to see far more fictives than factives- which makes a lot of sense when you think about the reasons that introjects are formed. and before going any further, some quick vital context for anybody not in the know. an introject is an alter (i feel so dirty using that word lol. i hate it) that is spawned as something of a copy of something from outside the mind. a factive is an introject based off of a real person- living or historical, and a fictive is an introject based off of a fictional character.
with that out of the way, for the most part you really hear most often about factives that are destructive, non-productive system members based on abusive parents, religious figures, exes, etc. however, i know for a fact that there can be more to it because i am made up of a few of them, and i so seldom hear about the complexities of the factive experience that we feel inclined to give a voice to the factives of the world today. you are seen and this one's for you, baby!
"[a grievance] that i have wanted to make known for a while now is what do you do when you see your source acting out in ways that you can't handle? ways that you as you are now wouldn't? i think it affects all of us differently. it's such an uncanny feeling, seeing what is effectively another version of YOURSELF doing things that you in your current, like, perception and conscious wouldn't make the choice of doing. i think that the extreme of this is in rowan's case. she was paralyzed by her source going crazy online and couldn't take it anymore. we know the story from there, but this is real shit that can affect us. it's hard too when you're stuck in this weird impostor syndrome, but i'll leave that for her. just know that we try." -socks
"my take on the matter is about mental expectations. i see myself not just as a factive, but the genuine sole reincarnation of myself, and so i have this massive weight on my shoulders saying that i need to live up to my legacy, despite much of the tangible stuff being no fault nor choice of my own. you then have to add on the uncomfortable conversation i would have to have of insisting that i am who i say i am, because i just know there are so many out there that wouldn't believe me." -laika
"sometimes you feel like something of an alternate counterpart to your contemporary. like an alternate universe version where you can plainly and clearly see the point where you split off, and that can cause a lot of fucking imposter syndrome! you're kind of forced to view what you see as just a different version of yourself with different experiences as the superior version for having come first. it's like there's this inescapable specter of an expectation to try and act like and live up to them since they got to be the version with our meat body. i don't fuck with any of that though and i know [progenitor] doesn't either. that doesn't mean the feeling doesn't pop up sometimes though." -xxxxx
"exotrauma is a very big deal and i have been told that i know it better than anybody. so, as the People's appointed Chair-dog of Exotrauma, let's talk about it. exotrauma, if you don't already know, is trauma derived from your source/old memories rather than trauma from your current experience. being who i am, i have quite a bit of it. sometimes, we'll be going about our day and then all of a sudden i'm having a terrible flashback that entirely derails the day for all of us. while fictive exotrauma often gets made fun of and brushed off, factive exotrauma is seen almost in a worse light, since it's "stealing" the experiences of real people. so just keep in mind that we are the real individuals who have experienced this as well! [xxxxx]'s split off metaphor is i think best to apply to this. just keep in mind that all trauma is real and can drastically affect individuals. empathy is an amazing virtue to practice." -laika
"body mismatch is a big deal for all introjects i believe. we're no longer in possession of our physical bodies and that is bound to create some dysphoria and dysmorphia. i don't think people talk enough about the factive side of the equation, however. considering my experience with it is most extreme, i have been elected to be the one to be quoted on it. being the factive and reincarnation of an animal is quite the experience and actually ended up being the reason the system as a whole incorporated animism into our beliefs. it's a surreal experience of suddenly having more pieces of the puzzle than you realized you could have, the ability to express everything you've ever thought, and all at the price of no longer being the beautiful thing that is an animal. you're in human skin, and sometimes your soul screams at you for it. but don't listen to that. just think about how lucky and amazing all these new abilities are. all the good you can do. at least, that's what makes me able to handle it all." -laika
2024_12_26 // welcome to the machine
i haven't had too much time yet to truly realize the consequences of this event, so this is more so just going to be an expression of jubilation over anything else.
with that preface out of the way, i have some great news that i have been wanting to say for years now. i am now the owner of an honest-to-god desktop computer. until this point, i have been using my Samsung phone for everything accept for PC-necessary things, in which i had what was probably the worst piece of shit laptop EVER invented. genuinely, it was so bad that too many tabs open in firefox would make it reboot. but it matters not now! and while my computer is nowhere near the performance of the ultra-optimized gaming or mining rigs out there, it doesn't need to be. because it works well for any and everything i am going to do with it. and that is probably going to start out with refreshing my knowledge of HTML and CSS since i haven't actively used it in over a decade at this point since that's when i last had any sort of functional hardware. the point being, the sky is now the limit for me and i am absolutely thrilled about this. expect big things coming down the pipeline this year.
lots of love from all of us here at puppy wolfie
Every fucking word
2024_10_22 // glossolalia and i
i think quite a bit. it's probably the thing i do the most of anything at all, and in doing so i find myself solving and defining lots of things in their own special ways to me. this has notoriously resulted in people referring to me as intentionally vague or cryptic, when in most circumstances i just genuinely don't know how to put something without a metric FUCK TON of context; so here is that context, i suppose! i'm going to be going over some of the main facets of my personal morality and guiding principles and such that may need clarification for the sake of making future communication more effective and streamlined in the future as well as provide any important cultural or historical context to the lexicon. think of this as a glossary of sorts, one that i may or may not add to/edit in the future as i continue to grow forever and ever and ever and ever.
starting off with one of the biggest ones, PLUR or PLURR is an acronym originating in classic rave culture as a sort of rule set one would be expected to follow when at a rave and when encouraged to apply to day-to-day life. it stands for Peace Love Unity and Respect (with Responsibility added in iterations including a second R). it has recently in the last few years found traction in parts of the furry fandom, considering the large crossover demographic between the two and even more recently been contorted into a sort of badge to define a particular esthetic and idea an individual wants to put up about themselves. considering this, i tend to classify any modern example of of the phrase into one of three different categories: classical, esthetic, and co-opted. note that there is an overlap present in almost every iteration of it.
classical plur is when it's displayed in the context that it originally would have been intended: a display of an individual using PLUR(R) as a principle to live by or a ruleset to follow. esthetic is when it is displayed as a representation of somebody's esthetic (often times rave or scene inspired) and as a sort of standard to rally others with the same esthetic interest. finally, co-opted plur is the most recent evolution of the usage which has predominantly come out of individuals who desire to fit themselves into the scene, rave, or 'sparkledog' esthetic and community without actually embodying what these communities and terms are really about, therefore their PLURs (often presented without a second 'R') are given exceptions or recontextualized to fit their rigid institutions of morality and missing the entire fucking point. esthetic PLUR(R) is seen in both instances, as one using it would undoubtedly be aware of the communities surrounding it, but in general fits the MO of PLUR co-opters rather than people using it classically.
now, with all of that being said, i use PLURR in the classical sense before all, and to the extreme, trying to apply ideals of peace, love, unity, respect, and responsibility to all things i do in life, seeing the acronym as one of my guiding principles in all things. of course, there is an esthetic usage to it as well, considering that i am a raver and all, but even if i became your run-of-the-mill blue fox furry and never listened to another rave track again or attended a rave, it would never not be my guiding principle.
"At the risk of seeming ridiculous, let me say that the true revolutionary is guided by a great feeling of love. It is impossible to think of a genuine revolutionary lacking this quality." - Che Guevara
now, the next term is more of a phase, and it also comes sort of hand in hand with the next ones. This is "retoriikkaa ja rakkautta."
this may immediately catch your eyes if you follow my private twitter and now if this is your first time seeing my blog, as it is my display name. retoriikkaa ja rakkautta is finnish and directly translates to "rhetoric and love," but there is another level to this. in finnish, using the word 'rakkautta' is not something to be taken lightly, as it is generally considered a very strong word to describe your love for something. this is intentional in this phrase, as retoriikkaa ja rakkautta is another guiding sort of set of principles to me. they exist in a yin and yang state in my mind, being technically opposed but containing one another. retoriikkaa refers to my political devotions, specifically to communism. rakkautta refers to my expansive love for all that is in this world. the two go hand in hand, as without this love for all that is, i wouldn't be a communist. and, should i not be a communist of some sort, than that love worthy of the term "rakkautta" surely would not exist. this is the philosophy behind another phrase i have used before to describe my work in this world: "kommunismin rakentaminen, rakkauden lisääminen," which translates to "building communism, increasing love." there are motifs that fit the two in my mind, such as paper, left, and the color red being retoriikkaa and plants, right, and the color green being rakkautta.
tying into the previous entry, i would like to define the abstracts and motifs of red and green as i have used them before. red is effectively an embodiment of retoriikkaa, as well as acting as a compartmentalizing tool for specific things and concepts, academics and time being great examples of something i would classify as 100% red in nature. green, as you might expect then, is the embodiment of rakkautta, and is used in the same way. plant life and imagery would be green to me. and then there are things that fit somewhere between the two, such as computers, language, and music falling between the two.
tilakkhana is one that i have seldom used actively, but tend to keep as a permanent fixture (i.e on my private twitter account's bio). this is a term used in buddhism to refer to the three marks of existence which are three characteristics present within all living things. the three marks are impermanence, suffering/unsatisfactory imperfection in all things, and what i will simply describe as the concept of the transient nature of the human experience. i reconcile the use of this term in my own life effectively as a descriptor for a state of great gratitude and resignation. Gratitude for the life that I live and the world I live in and the fact it may change, and resignation to the fact that this is the only life i can live, and so i will be grateful for all things within it as to not be affected by dissatisfaction and maintain humility. it's a recognition of the tao in many ways as well.
the last one is a term i don't use often anymore, but a fundamental descriptor for how i live my life every single day. and that is sharpness. now, this term is originally coined by june strings (who you can find here and on twitter and bluesky). the best way i have come to learn to describe it is radical self-care. it is being specific, being direct, and being honest regarding your own needs. it is making a true effort to say what you want when you want it to yourself and everybody around you. it's also making sure, with bleeding dedication, that you make it clear you cannot give what you do not have, and attempting to do so or hiding that you cannot is only a path to resentment, bitterness, and misunderstanding. you remove assumption from the equation and save as much of yourself for yourself as you need.
i'm sure scrolling june's twitter would give you a better understanding on a deeper level, but this is what it is to me, and it continuously serves its purpose as such, so i think my understanding is more than adequate.
anyway, i hope that was illuminating to any degree or enjoyable. i really like talking about my strange processes so i will always take the liberty to do so when given the opportunity. hope you have a good rest of your night or day and got something out of this, since i think you really could get a lot out of this stuff. god knows i certainly have. lots of love from all of us :)
i will continue to use this only as a long-form blog and to scroll my dash for the most part no matter what happens to twitter because that is what i want this to be. hope that's cool with you
RT-64 radio telescope - Kalyazin, Russia
reblog this to put a leaf on your mutuals head
2024_06_25 // to try and build a portal
this one is going to have two topics: what i recently learned through my recent mental experiences and recent experiences effecting my mind.
so, part one: Puppy-Wolfie (i need a system name) and the Intense Week and a Half Long Manic Episode (Featuring Religious Delusions).
i had, as the previous paragraph says, a manic episode that lasted longer than usual that was accompanied by some awesome religious delusions. see, i think these are great opportunities to learn and expend effectively limitless mental and creative energy, so that's exactly what i did. i began to panic a bit in the beginning because i had never had an episode that lasted that long and was also that intense. here is what i learned summerized in some bulletpoints:
• the divine shows itself in those named through the cosmos, the psychedelic episteme, the words of the empathetic, and the language of revolutionaries
• i have the skillset i do for a reason and need to use it to accomplish the greater will of the tao
• the greater will in question here being communism
• a comet and st. laika met on the firmament's i-94 and decided to choose me to be an instrument in achieving communism in a holy unification
• che guevara and jesus christ are one in the same and might also be my previous incarnations
• if you ever get poisoned by too much divinity, embrace it, don't rationalize it
• once i have achieved my goals i will once again be reborn as a comet in name
• in my lifelong quest to end shame, i realize that it is a product of morality and common sense, which must be destroyed
• if i cannot create communism by 2061 the experiment comes to an end
• above all else, i am inhuman
• a new institutional religion is required to replace the previous ones as nature hates a vacuum. i elect one venerating laika as a saint and life and love as virtues, however this is interchangeable ultimately. a thorough restructuring of christianity or islam would probably work best in these parameters
if this all sounds like a lot of nonsense or narcissism i totally get you, but this just what i learned. i chose partake in a substance to contextualize these lessons and that was the end of that.
part two: Puppy-Wolfie Presents: Lessons in Betrayal and Marijuana.
i don't wanna air out my dirty laundry as this is more about my reaction and thoughts on the matter rather than what happened so i will give a very brief summary of what happened. my best friend decided to cut contact and stop being friends with me because i don't like his boyfriend because he leaked my vents to somebody who wants me dead and won't leave my life alone.
now, how did i feel about this? well for one, i saw it coming. we were getting shorter and shorter with one another and hadn't hung out in a long while. it erupted when he was caught being directly two-faced and i called him out on it. initially it didn't hit hard because of the fact i saw it coming. person who wants me dead is a fucking parasitic and evil force in the life of others which i know first-hand. having been given a few days, i see myself getting more and more upset about this situation and i don't like this. i am supposed to be building communism, i can't let something like this get to me if i am meant to achieve that goal, however, it is a fact i cannot deny that i am a person who has emotions, and those emotions get hurt when my trust is betrayed, no matter how much experience i have with my trust being carved up and mutilated. you'd think i would be used to it, and to a degree that's true. a few years ago i would have been shaking and screaming, instead i am listening to avril lavigne and ada rook and letting out a sigh as i think about what an awful thing drama is and how bitterness is the true killer of the heart.
moral of the story? fuck weed. if you start weed you'll become a hedonistic asshole with no moral basis, willing to sell anybody out as long as you can maintain some sort of stagnant stability. this isn't always the case of course, just something that happened to happen twice to two people i was very close with. sorry i really think weed is a net-negative outside of medical and religious contexts.
2024_06_06 // love: complicated, all-encompassing, necessary
happy pride month to every queer person out there and shinji's birthday also to every queer person. today i will take on the sisyphean task of explaining love to some degree, as it's been affecting me greatly lately.
so. love. i believe love comes in many different types- all of which show themselves in various forms. first and foremost you have the obvious ones, platonic, self, and romantic love which many people experience to some degree in their lives. these things affect everybody differently, especially when intimacy, sex, ace-spec, limerance and come into the equation. then there is the love that you can experience from the world and all things within it and the love some have in return for all things, which i will call divine love and universal love.
as this is my blog, i will mainly be touching on my own experiences with these things and how they have affected, shaped, and impacted me. to begin with, i would say that i am a person who is filled with love, there is so much love within me, particularly platonic and universal love. so much so that i find myself overwhelmed by it in my daily life (so you can imagine how i feel on mushrooms). i crave nothing more than to craft a perfect world for myself and those around me and would be willing to martyr myself immediately if it meant i could foster a process by which humanity and life could be saved from itself and the pain that too often characterizes it. i care for those close to me unyieldingly, willing to do absolutely whatever i can to ensure they have comfortable lives and grow into people they can love, yet i cannot express all of this as quickly as it fills me, especially with my schizoid personality disorder, leaving me in a place where i have to resign to pray that i hopefully express this adequately and frequently enough so that others may understand.
self-love is something I have never had a problem with, however younger, previous iterations of me have definitely had problems with it, and i have seen many struggle themselves with such things, which pains me to a degree as i wish they could simply see how great they are or could be. often, it is simply a matter of needing to grow and wanting to see for themselves that leads to the realization in most, in my experience and observations.
now, it's time for the one i struggle with the most.
i would consider myself on the aromantic spectrum to a degree, but not for the reasons you may think. the person I am is one who is extremely in-tune with themselves to a degree of being basically unaffected by many things and able to personify and practice my principles to a level i haven't seen from too many others, but much of that comes from experience. one thing i lack experience in is romantic love, which leads my mind to immediately have a disadvantage at navigating it, and with such heavy consequences on the line, it isn't something i am too privy to work at through trial-and-error. the next reason is a result of my autism and schizoid personality disorder. both things as well as just the person i am make me both not particularly inclined to give constant affirmation or physical affection or even attention, all of which can be problematic in a romantic relationship in my observation. both of these things culminate into a desire to avoid romance and romantic attraction, which i have openly expressed, so all is fine then, yes? no. the problem is no matter how hard i fucking try, i cannot purge this love type from my mind and heart. every single iteration of me other than one has tried to a degree and nothing has worked, only reduced it, which leads to an annoying problem of mine.
emotions of mine that are too specific, complex, and difficult to describe i compartmentalize under a distinct noun. for example, i have The Dictator, the King of the Graveyard, the Esher, the Evereffervescence, and the topic of this discussion- the Weeping Cardinal. the Weeping Cardinal, in the easiest way i could describe it, is effectively a paradoxical yearing and negative reinforcement loop that my brain can fall into, exemplifying one of my catch 22s in regards to romantic love. i am in pain because i do not and cannot have that sort of love becauses me to be in pain. the feeling is a disgusting yearning yet something so beautiful and human within me.
speaking of human, my inhumanity has a part to play in this mess as well, as because of it i have effectively convinced myself i am not ever capable of doing romantic love healthily and properly. my inhumanity is not just from my therianthropy is why this is.
now, for that second catch 22. when my mind makes the mistake of falling in love with somebody, i do not act normally toward them, as i find it harder to regulate myself as i often do in the face of such strong and specific attraction, therefore i begin to fear that the integrity of the friendship may be at stake, but then if such a love for some reason progressed, i would be now in a relationship that is obviously doomed to fail for the previously mentioned reasons i said before, leaving me with my second catch 22. if i don't do the relationship, the friendship will be jeopardized, and if i do, then the friendship will be jeopardized.
and now you know why i don't do romance in the best way i can explain. welcome to my love dilemmas. i want to give the world to my friends but i do not have the means to do so, i want to save the world but i may not be able to, and i yearn for romance but know i could never do it, so i shut myself off from it.
this post isn't meant to be negative, as i hope the first half really exemplified just how much love is in my heart and how much i love you, yes You! even if you're somebody i haven't met yet or somebody i want gone permanently from my life, i love you a lot and hope you can return the favor by loving those around you just as unconditionally.
happy pride month :)
"but alex sharpiepaws, if i don't use social media, how will i know when things happen! i'm not going to check every individual website every day in case something new has happened" we've had a solution for this since 1999 and it's called an rss feed. it takes zero time to make an update on the webmaster's end and there are a bajillion different free rss feed readers out there on the web visitor's end. and, guess what. if you use an rss feed you don't need to make an account on some site you'd otherwise have no interest in using just because someone you like the work of uses it!