Ko Writing

Everyone's favorite nonbinary writer.

[kowriting]

cracked pavement

between the slabs of sidewalk stands one brilliant bluebonnet because it knows nothing new grows gathers its gratitude to get stronger stretches its stem sunward

does it know dead daisies are rooted? risen once and regretting the fall does it feel free fleeing its constraints? coming out of the crack of the cold concrete

[kowriting]

october of eighteen

dissuade yourself from the thought you don't have to be perfect you don't have to be better than them

or him

all you are is enough if all you are is you then you are a garden of hope a constellation of possibilities

[kowriting]

october of eighteen

dissuade yourself from the thought you don't have to be perfect you don't have to be better than them

or him

all you are is enough if all you are is you then you are a garden of hope a constellation of possibilities

[kowriting]

Willow (the orchard)

I was born surrounded by dead and broken things

Death will not be all I become

Soft skin grows like ivy on bricks

The winter sun keeps me warm

I don't grow in cold places

I grow in fire and fields and air

I burn like ice

It's too warm to ice skate

So I know love won't skate on my still beating heart

I'm at that point in writing where I'm too old for love poems again

But I love to be loved

I want to make it easy to know how I feel

I don't know how to be in love without shaking

I am less a wall and more willow

A very small willow

I shake when the wind turns

I was born in the fall

The world supposedly died

I worked hard to love like I do

Because its worth the smile you give

The laughter in your heart

The willow thrives in fall

Because you have tended and tended

Let's bloom together,

An orchard of feelings

[kowriting]

radiance and birds

some nights i listen for the sounds of living i worry if i go to bed when i first feel tired i will never be awake i worry if i go to sleep when i really fall asleep i will never be awake

i worry, i worry, i worry it builds up like birds sharp beaks flying up and out of my pipes tallons twitching inside my stomach but when the birds keep still using my intestines like a cable wire i can feel it bouncing in the wind of my breath

radiance holds me in a way i have never known you are radiance in the dark i can feel the energy that bounces when i feel the world you close around me so safe limbs like foliage keeping the birds comfortable i want to grow with you

i want to rise out of the ground in places we have no business blooming we are the grass in the cement we are the fallout flowers you be the sun, you shine  i’m fluid enough to be the rain

[kowriting]

Banjo

You make me feel like a mean banjo

Which is to say I feel like something that rarely works

But when it does everyone is in awe

You make me feel awe inspired

And that means something

[kowriting]

enough right now

i feel small and compact but not like i’m being crushed not anymore. i literally cannot breathe deep because my back feels like it’s been needing to be popped forever but it’s okay. i’m okay. not great but i’m not as bad as i used to be. and i find comfort in that  and comfort that i’m trying to actively love life and love people and be loved and i’m so much more than a bullet shell now. i’m alive with myself.

[kowriting]

emotional outpour

Every word is just a moment in a story The problem is I ramble I tell stories that are too long and sometimes  I tell them wrong I make mountains and molehills and never the right way I don’t know how to make sense to people

You don’t lie to me You’ll be honest “I don’t understand.”  And it’s really hard not to be understood But I don’t have to guess with you I can only tell you what’ll come next Cassandra never knew what the intention was

I’m in tune with the way the world works And massively out of tune with the way people work I understand concepts, characters But organisms don’t move like pen and paper And I talk more than most

Let me try and say this plainly Because I need you to understand It only is fair I say this soft You are so matter of fact with me

I’ve internalized my whole life And I spend so much time curled in a ball Trying to stop people from hurting me I used to let people kick me so I’d feel any more than numb And lately I’ve been bursting out  With more than the slime in my system This is the first life I’ve wanted to live beyond 20 years

[kowriting]

i love blankets i love feeling warm it’s been a long time stitching a blanket of miles i made it from old tshirts other people gave me and stuffed it wth everything else i had in me it’s the first time in a long time i’ve been warm

[kowriting]

Shaping

It’s not true, what I said I mean it is true It’s true that every time I open my hands I’m still shocked they’re not a fist I’m terrified of who I could become

It’s more I’m terrified of who I was Of the shapes that have shaped me If a rectangle had a square child Is the kid still a rectangle?

I don’t want to define my entire life as a rectangle I don’t even want to be a quadrangle  I want to be a star. Or the moon. I want to see the world new and not be afraid of dropping it

This is not a story to be sad about I know I’m a square I know every time I take a step it’s on broken feet When I walk outside I see people who’ve always looked at me Like I’m the last person in their way on a twenty mile climb upwards I know I ain’t shit to them But I still mean something to me

For the first time in a long time I’m a shape fully formed Not by someone else But with sides I made myself Covering an area of only me

[kowriting]

friends.

We live in a tent we’ve spent so long building It’s filled with a thousand closets We put them there just so We could make jokes when we get dressed in the morning We have no room to put our skins anymore So we wear them

We’ve got a flashlight hung from the top of our tent All of us have taken our glasses off  We’re guiding each other and it’s dark But this is the first time all of us have seen the stars together We live so tightly compressed we don’t get to see the stars often And they are so steadfast 

This is not how I’ve always been It’s been a thousand years being stuffed in a cardboard box Smaller than any closet I supposedly came out of I’ve spent my life tired and angry  A one person beehive always filled with buzzing It’s nice to be brought out of the box And to break the hive

It’s like for once I’m in a crowded room And it’s so small and there’s not a lot of us But I can breathe And I’m not the loneliest guy here

[kowriting]

Sail Boat

It’s clunky and sticky No we don’t ride a wave together It’s not a wave at all It’s pull of the stream this is stupid

I’ve never written a love poem before now No, that’s not true I’ve written some love poems I write poems when i’m sleeping It’s just I never realized the sea was wet till I met you And I like that I didn’t realize I was a sailor But I’ve dropped my anchor here I’ve tried riding this wave And there’s not a wave There’s just a lapping at the deck And it’s nice and good

Then there’s lightening It didn’t come with thunder It came specifically to ignite sparks And there were sparks There was so much that happened Every time I thought the storm was over There was more lightening  I don’t know how to describe this without sounding stupid But you laugh when I sound stupid and don’t make me feel worse You came out of the ocean as pure as Aphrodite With the spirit of Poseidon  I’m enamored with the things you’ve led me to I’ve never loved the sea like this

[kowriting]

You Told Me You Hate This Kind of Poem, I'd Already Written It

You are a piece of work

I don’t mean that to sound to sound like a warning I could write about you for days and would never warn everything Like how you tend to think you’re too much, even on your best day Baby, I know I’m too much I know I spend my smallest as big as a bus It has nothing to do with you

I spent years telling people I was a sheet of paper Blank and loose leaf, a place for people to force something out they see It hasn’t been until recently I’ve let myself be the one to write the story I wonder how long you spent wondering if I’m actually going to tell you Everything I’ve told you I won’t tell you I’m still opening up boxes I packed away I’m still waking up in the middle of the night Afraid I’ve screamed and woke you I am just screaming inside my head

I spend a lot of time wondering if you’re going to ask me about this About this hamster wheel that’s been turning in my head Fueled by thoughts that I don’t tell anyone Not even my therapist You know I don’t have one I’m not ready to put all my last life on display Yes, I know that’s bullshit I know this doesn’t make sense to you I’m trying to find the words that do

This is not a trauma poem It’s just to say, that one day I want to tell you a story One you can digest with ease In the story I won’t be a prince or a palace Or the moon or the trees or a girl or a boy I’ll just be a clear image I won’t need to describe my metaphor with a less coherent metaphor There won’t be a metaphor Every word I say will make sense to you I’ll make sense to you

I know I’m as transparent as cheap two way mirror glass in two well lit rooms You’ve seen the surface looking back You know someone is on the other side of all this  I want you to see me

[kowriting]

The Coat Poem

If someone else was wearing it

I'd call it what it was: ugly

But on me it looks okay

On anyone else purple fading to yellow

Just isn't in season

But this suits me

I'd let the others know it's not a find

No big steal

That this is something you pay for in more than money

Can't they see they're being robbed?

No, you're right, me too

I just know the manufacturer worked really hard

I can take the hit

This already fits in my fashion 

And maybe I buy it because I know

I'm growing up on trend

I'm afraid I'm growing up to be just as ugly

So yeah, it looks okay on me

It doesn't really keep the chill out

But even a bad coat can remind you of a good one

[kowriting]

My Love Affair With the Sea

I am quantifiable I wear my whole self on the outside I am littered in  b l o w s  brought on by others Coming at me too fast and too much

Yes, my lover too is carrying bile My lover looks up at me so far away I wonder if they know? How often I look down at them Longing to be able to reach out

And I try, I pull at them I reach out and try to help them All the way to the sky Our time together is limited here We only have eight hours, twelve if it’s cold But the cold keeps them solid when I am unchanging

Unchanging is too strong as I am always changing The wind might not blow but there is Always something coming for me Rocks, people who want to stick their flags Where they do not belong And you are so malleable Every strong, ever withstanding A nightmare to some, maybe

But you are the only thing that brings me peace

I am quantifiable And you, infinite at times And you keep me The moon is only steadied by the pull of waves And you have tried pulling me near you

[kowriting]

Peace of Night

The moon shines over the cornfield Everything is silent but the rustling, the rustling, the rustling The corn shakes as dainty, delicate feet from  A figure lightly dances down the field Small delicate steps stride through Down to the river running wild The creature’s feet creep up the river’s run “I’m back.” They whisper, wings wisping behind their lily white look “I’ve been here all the time.” From the water Always from the water the voice finds itself Elegant and full the water gives way to what resides Opening, parting, the water let’s a restless fish free

“Where have you been?” The sea thing asks The winged one’s eyes turn up To the endless bout of star and moonlight “The sky called me.”

And there is quiet, only the water dares rustle After all, it is the most dangerous “The sea has always held me here. How does the sky look?” And the Faerie laughs Shrill, sharp, a sound creatures hate But it makes the water sprite’s heart hop “The sky will not sacrifice for you The sea envelopes you, keeps you safe The sky haunts you when you’re restless Then makes you keep up.” The mermaid​ shakes their head and turns out There must be so much they cannot see The grass, the leaves, the sky Everything the Faerie finds so endearing “The horizon is the only place we can see the same. I can see from where the river leads and no further” The fae reached into the water Tree bark skin rippling the river “I can see where the river is There is so much more of it than trees I cannot fly forever, darling My wings will only let me when they want” And the river one lets out a sound “I want to fly with you” And the sky one takes their arms Apologizes for their tree bark hands And flies just above the sea Low enough the scales still glide through the water The cold air caresses the mermaid’s torso The water redirects their moves And the moonlight guides them And there is peace for that night

[kowriting]

Weird (Tuba and French Horn)

I am weird I don’t mean I’m so random lol I mean that I will cry in a Buffalo Wild Wings over dinner I mean you can talk about the corn monoculture in bed with me I mean I will laugh about how I haven’t said anything stupid in bed Then laugh so hard because the next phrase in my head is “take me to flavortown” I will take you to flavortown (and yes, I am trying to be sexy by making fun of myself) I will make fun of myself till I don’t know what to say

I am the kind of person who will throw back a bar full of whiskey And hold the smallest flower on the sidewalk in my cupped hands So no one steps on it I believe in protecting the flowers, they’re so fragile I believe in protecting myself, I am so fragile Fragile like the glass jar you broke to get the lid off I am the lid and the jar

I once spent a whole hour sitting in a tree I thought it would make me taller It just lifted me off the ground

And I think of myself like a radio tuned I’m not talking my best game because I’m somewhere between two stations But sometimes you here a word come out of the mangled mess of static I want that word to be about love

Not being in love I’m about as experienced at that as a tuba and a French horn, I want to be known for keeping my arms up enough to let someone in Being kind to flowers and being the person people want to speak at their funeral I will not tell anyone how much we miss you at your funeral I will tell them when we jumped in all three fountains on campus Or when we got a flat tire and filmed it I will tell them about the bonfire you almost fell in And I will tell them about macaroni and cheese Because without you then damn we wouldn’t be crying at your funerals I will probably cry at your funerals And I will hate it. I hate crying.

And the fun thing about being with a tuba and a French horn You will hear music and know it was made for you And you just bought me from the music store Let me make music so new because You know my mouthpiece hasn’t been played yet Everything I have for you to hear is out Yes this is about just you now Just for a minute I used to be too proud to post sappy poetry And for a solid two years it was just about wanting to sink And I don’t want to sink anymore and that’s not because of you But you have been helping me float No one holds me when I cry since I got grown Since I got too proud to cry without fists clenched But you did

And I am so weird Because I was thinking about how movie screen it felt And then I was done crying