@decabus @some-teeth-in-a-trench-coat @messynogenderpotato
I have somethin I guess? Iâve been the Support Friend for most of my life so I managed to get it down to a formula. TW: dog death
This is mainly to keep them talking, that way a) they feel like they have a confidante in you, and b) the pressure is less on you to Say Things. In fact it shouldnât be about you Saying Things at all, it should be you figuring out where theyâre at and trying to understand.Â
E.g. âMy dog died, I miss him.â Ask questions, and when they start talking, let them talk. âWhat was his name?â âHow and when did he die?â âTell me about him.â âWhat was he like?â âWhatâs your favourite memory of him?â âWhen did you first meet him?â âDid you teach him any tricks?â Again the point is to keep them talking, the questions are just to get them on a roll. If youâre worrying about what to say next, listen to what theyâre saying and ask details of what theyâre currently talking about, or mentally prepare your next question.
Let them talk. The more you listen to them talk, the more they feel like itâs okay to talk to you. If they dwindle off, ask them something else to get them talking again. Upset people usually have a lot to say.
Every now and again you can throw in little sentences like âWow, what a bitch!â âAw, so sad.â âWhat the fuck? Why?â just to prove youâre still listening and following, and havenât wandered off into space.
3. When theyâre done, give it back to them
Itâs a technique called mirroring. Sum up whatever you heard in short form - if theyâve talked for half an hour about the little details of their deceased pet, say something like âIt sounds like he was a very good boy/sounds like he meant a lot to you/sounds like you will miss him.â Itâs been known to make people dissolve into a sobbing mess, because this is the part where you prove youâve done your homework, you listened, you care, you get it.
4. If you really want to offer a solution, ask first. You can just skip this step altogether tbh.
Only when someone has finished talking about whatever is upsetting them, ask if you can help. âCan I offer some advice?â Now is the time for SHORT anecdotes. Short. Itâs not about you sharing your story, itâs about them getting advice. Remember they donât have to take your advice, again itâs about them and their emotions, and they know themselves best. âWhen my dog died, I did this. Would that help?â âI read somewhere about doing this. Maybe try that and see how it goes?â
Hope this helps yâall. The TL;DR of all this is basically listen, and prove youâre listening.
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