Type A.

Thoughts of an ambivert. Always out. Always in.

[ktrnrcs]

Reach for your dreams (i.e. toilet paper 😂)

[ktrnrcs]

"One!" The coach shouts. Sleep early, wake up ealry...paddle early. "Two" he says while we take form. Minimum effort, maximum result. "Three!" I wasn't ready yet. Listen to the slightest beat. "Four" we keep up. Pause, observe. You need that. "Five!" FORM! FORM! "Six!" You need your entire body to move forward. You need your entire you. "Seven!" But most importantly, you also need the people around you. "Eight!" Breathe. Almost there. "Nine!" I'm keeping up "One-Zero" FINALLY. We sigh before we start back at one.

[ktrnrcs]

A Shake-O-What-what 'A Shake-O-What-O',say out to the barista of intrigue on what this cold brew actually is. It's one that would have a cold brew, espresso shots, milk and coconut water. I can't take an all espresso shot. All in isn't my thing. I sat staring on a chair facing the intersection right outside the coffe shop. I like seeing people come and go. Where are they heading? Or do they actually know where? Occasionally, random passersby would ask the guard right outside for direction. Some would dare not ask. They just keep walking back and forth, getting lost at their own choice, and expense. From the looks of it, some people actually wanted to come inside this quaint coffee shop but are hesitant. Of course, it looks expensive. But I guess anything that is good will cost a price. Many times they just turn around and head the other way. As for me, I dared enter. And here I am now with my cup of halfassed coffee. They say this place is known for its specialty coffee. Order the pure ones, that's how you enjoy. I dont know why I didn't get myself a dark one though. I went all the way here for that. But at last minute, coward I was. I sighed a little sigh to say, prolly next.

[ktrnrcs]

Note to self.

[ktrnrcs]

Love doesn't leave It stays In the corner of our empty rooms Counting dates, and works of art In the middle of our waiting hearts Love doesn't leave It stays Right where it is supposed to be Occupying the farthest of our minds Never is it left behind Love doesn't leave We can look away and not find it at the moment It can seem gone, and we can lament But love doesn't leave It stays It stays...

[ktrnrcs]

It's Wednesday but life is still hard.

[ktrnrcs]

Payday

The finance team emailed to tell us that our pay slips are ready for claiming. In between my first daily report for the day, and while browsing through demanding client emails, I excitedly obliged to their reminder and got up to check my pay. I was almost always the first one to do so. And it wasn't because I was always up planning for my next life adventure (although I truly am). But it was because I was always swamped with bills to pay...not just of my own, but my entire family's. With papa's passing years ago and mama's early retirement, I have been entrusted with a lot of responsibilities to keep our family's finances going. "It's you again," the finance officer said. Yes, I said in my mind with a slight smile on my face. "Need to budget already," my dry reply. I opened my payslip and I have a few thousand for the next fifteen days. "Okay, self. Here you go." Subtraction here and there. My baby sister's schooling. My older brother's training allowance. My mom's daily expenses. Our family funds for emergencies, given my lola and tito's hospitalization lately. On top of these are all my bills. I think of the canned goods I'd be eating again for the next days. "Hay," I sigh a little as I remind myself that anyways, this is why I work in the first place, right? People will never understand the pressures of being a breadwinner, I think. Unless you are one, you will not get how challenging it is to earn not to save for one's self but for the retirement of a solo parent, for the school fees of a young sister or the monthly bills of the family. I say it is not within everyone's capability to understand. The society doesn't require it. But at least some can sympathize. In another lifetime, I could have been another 23 year old who can live under the physical, and most importantly financial comfort of my family. But in this lifetime, I, and the other breadwinner like me, aren't. We work with a 5 or 10 year plan in mind on how to make sure our families thrive with a comfortable life. No more "I am young and I can discover myself and commit some mistakes along the way." Now, more than ever, our decisions are directly intertwined with the lives of others. At our hands are the task of making sure our sister gets to eat and study and keep healthy, that our mother gas enough to budget for the family expenses, that our brother gets to have a roadmap for his career. This duty is not something we can and will run away from. We carry it with pride. We do it despite hardships. To apease myself while thinking of these thoughts, I went out to treat myself for a bowl of Korean food from a fastfood joint. These little pleasures at least keep me going...until another payday.

[nathxangeles]

Grades, failure, and the things that actually matter

So the cost accounting grades came out today.

I have long since given up on the hope that my grades would once again reflect the amount of time and effort I actually put into the subject. To put it quite plainly, halos di nako matulog ug mukaon, pero akong grado maba ra gihapon intawon.

Three long, hard years in this course have taught me that the worst thing I could possibly do now is to keep beating myself up for falling short. I did everything I could. In fact, this is the hardest I have ever worked for anything in my life. But at the end of the day, I cannot win against a system that forces me to cram a matter-heavy chapter into my brain in three hours or less and then expects me to get every damn detail right in a chapter exam two days later. All that on top of six other classes I have to attend to (all of which are just as time-consuming) makes for one hot mess of a QPA.

Keep reading

[5000letters]

I’m scared that it’s always going to be you and we fucked it up and everything else we do is going to be some kind of haunted. I’m scared that I’ll find your ghost living everywhere. That 30 years from now I’ll be standing in the kitchen of my own home and the windows will be wide open. My husband will be sitting on the counter behind me talking about the financial report on the newspaper. The kids are somewhere upstairs. And my hands will tighten around the cup of tea that I’m holding and I’ll remember that your ears were always slightly too big for your head, that I nibbled on them, that you listened to music with your eyes closed, that you held me like I was something important, that it felt like forever even though both of us knew it wasn’t. And who can feel that kind of regret and not be crippled with it? Who can say, without a tremble, that we loved and that it was beautiful and full, and somehow that it still wasn’t enough?

Azra.T “on loving ghosts"  (via 5000letters)

[ktrnrcs]

Have you ever felt like you are a typo, a mistake, a shame in this world? Please, don't ever. You are not a typo, you are perfectly the right one at the right place and right time.

[ktrnrcs]

Happy that @greenettegael got this shot for our upcoming @bayntesomething video. Had to take a still to immortalize my golden streaks, which I finally chopped off today. Every goodbye really hurts.

[ktrnrcs]

We spray the walls of the city and sometimes call it art. #BaynteSomething #BGC #HighStreet #BonifacioGlobalCity

[ktrnrcs]

I grew up knowing that my hands aren't skilled for visual arts. I can't draw well, more so paint. Never trust me with anything about crayons and pencils and the like. Some time in 2011, I met an artist at an event in Silliman University by the Wild Bird Club of the Philippines. Apart from a beautiful pigeon for a face paint, there was one thing he gave me that day.

I remember telling him how my talent for the visual arts is non-existent. I was, as they say, walang kahit kaunting creativity sa katawan. 'Buti pa po kayo, ang galing n'yo', I told him.

And he said: But I'm sure there is something you could do that I couldn't do too. We all have our own thing, you have to find it. And if you already did, hone it. And I would never forget those words.

Sometimes, when I think of how confused I am with what I want to do with my life, I think of the things which I think I can do, something I can be good at. My hands weren't made for the colors and the canvass, so why dwell on the fact that the colors and the canvass aren't for me? Maybe, just maybe, my hands are made for the pens and the notebooks, some things to write my thoughts on. Maybe I can be a better writer or a speaker or a teacher - the things which I feel I could excel in. There are more things out there for me.

Sometimes, people dwell on their incapability too much. They question why they couldn't make the cut, and then later find themselves in a job which they feel could help improve them. Next thing they know, they are creating a whole new version of themselves, a class B to say the least, because that's what can make them fit in whatever box they are. And that is the saddest story of all. So while we are at it, let's stop thinking of the canvasses we can't make beautiful with a brush and some paint. There are innumerable ways to put color in this world. We can do it, only differently. But we can do it.

[ktrnrcs]

To a lovely woman

I heard him when he said it.

I’m so lucky I found her. I’m so lucky she loves me. I will marry that woman. I will never let her go. I love her. I truly do.

I heard it all come out of his mouth.

When we finally met you, I thought, this woman truly is special.

And it is not just because you were pretty and tall and your skin was fair. It’s not because you were eloquent and read books a lot. It is not because you can sing and drive a motorcycle and look cool at the same time.

It is because your beauty was deep. The kind of beauty that’s more than just clothes or skin. It is way, way, way inside of you.

We saw. We were there. I was there when you showed concern for everyone in our humble home. You cared for us all. You cared through it all.

And we saw. I saw how much time and effort and love, overflowing love, you gave him. It’s the kind of love that heals wounds, straightens crooked paths, goes beyond flaws and trascends through differences. It is the kind of love that makes you believe in its beauty.

So when he said you were the most beautiful thing he has ever seen, we believed it when we met you. And in your eyes, we witnessed how you’ve seen so much beauty in him too.

But this part is not where the rainbows and chocolates and butterflies exist. This is the part where the sun has come to pass. This is the part where the rainbow has vanished and the chocolates have melted and the butterflies all flew away.

I wasn’t there when he said the exact opposite thing. But believe me when I say that I hear them in my head like a ghost stealing whispers.

I don’t love you anymore. You can go anytime.

We weren’t there. I wasn’t there.

But we are here, I am here now.

I know you are hurt. The kind of hurt I don’t even want to go through; the kind of hurt I can’t even imagine; the kind of hurt that even if I try to put myself in your shoes, I won’t ever be able to walk through it.

I cannot console you with words, that is something only time and time itself can give. But even so, allow yourself to read through the next lines.

Even if he has left, I (we) want you to know that whatever he has said is true for us even until now.

We are so lucky we found you. We are so lucky you love us. (the third line, oops we can’t marry you hehe but…) We will never let you go. We love you. We truly do.

Some things will never be the same. But while things will be different now, remember that our love for you is the same. You will forever be an important part of our lives. 

Remember that when we think of beauty, we will think of you. Not just for the obvious beauty you have on the outside but the same true beauty we have seen in you ever since.

And remember that whenever the word lovely escapes from our lips, it will never have the same sound to it. Whenever we think of all things lovely, we will think of you too.

We don’t know if you will find yourself in another’s arms or in another home anytime soon. But just the same, we want to let you know that we love you.

And in case you forget, we want you to know: not any of these could ever take all the good things away. You are smart. You are talented. You are responsible. You are kind. You are lovely. And because of that, you deserve all the lovely things in the world too.

You are lovely, don’t you ever forget that.

[ktrnrcs]

Questions that visit you by midnight

How can one moment undo many other moments, beautiful moments, just like that? How can people mean something so promising at one time and say exactly the opposite the next? How can it all happen and not happen at the same time? How can people just love and then unlove? How can they?

How can you?

[fash-cafe]

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