Always be true to who you are

Hi, Im Jay, I'm 19, I'm male just with a different story to most teenage boys. This is my blog to post how i feel. If you follow me I will post about my journey and anything that pops into my head.

[anaestheti-c-deactivated2016060]

[florial]

[theperksofbeingahugefuckingcunt]

If you’re autistic, trust your gut instincts. If you don’t feel like going to a party, don’t go. If you don’t like someone but can’t figure out why, stay away from them. If you have a bad feeling about a situation, just stay away from it. There’s probably a good reason for it.

[sausaged-rat]

I know I reblogged this before, but I have to again because so, so many people will try and exploit the fact that you’re autistic; to convince you that your instincts are wrong. They’ll say “how can you know that person is bad, that party will be bad - you’re autistic and autistic people are bad at reading social situations!” 

and don’t buy that for a second. Literally every time someone has made me rethink that and I did the thing, it ended up being a very uncomfortable situation at the least. Don’t do it, fam. 

[hidethesorrow]

[dailyinspirationquotes]

[l0stl0nleyb0y]

Long time

It’s been a hell of a long time since I logged into this account.

I guess I just wanted to escape my demons and I thought by logging out of this account I would be able to do that.

I was wrong.

I’m still unwell, I still have panic attacks, I still have days I don’t want to be here but i am still here.

So much has happened in my life recently, I’m working, I’m back at uni. I’ve had issues at work because of my mental health and these issues are still ongoing. There’s a few people at work that support me but equally there’s some that don’t and they are making my life difficult.

I’m struggling with uni, not so much the work or anything but the physical aspect of getting up, getting washed and dressed and making myself go in to class.

I’ve not been very good at that lately, it’s the 3rd week of term and I have already missed a week of classes. It’s not a great start.

I’m going to try and go in tomorrow and do my work but I’m not in the mood. I don’t really want to and I honestly cannot be bothered.

I haven’t eaten properly for a while, I tried. I ordered pizza last night because I like pizza. It usually makes me happy. I ate two slices and it’s now just in the box on the floor in my room.

I haven’t been downstairs today. I’ve stayed in my room all day.

I’m struggling. A lot more than I am letting on.

I’ve had a few occasions recently where I’ve considered suicide. Not on a serious level as such, but I’ve been driving and I’ve considered just driving off the road. Or I’ve drove under a bridge and had that thought of, I could drive round and jump. The thoughts have never been serious enough for me to do it. Or even get close, but it’s how it all begins. I know from previous times, these thoughts will only get worse. They will get stronger and I’ll become less in control of them.

I want to try and fix it before they get that bad again. That’s why I’m going to class tomorrow. I think if I go to class it might help or at least I hope it will help.

I don’t come on here often anymore so I don’t know when I’ll be back. I have another blog. One with less graffic images, one that’s just words.

I’m going to try and post on there more regularly than here so if you want the link to that. Message me and I’ll send it you. It’s an anonymous blog so I want to try and keep it that way so if you do get the link to it. Please don’t use my name on there

[l0stl0nleyb0y]

Self harm

Full on just ruined my legs and I feel so guilty. Literally from my knees upwards is ruined. The only space that's clean is where my tattoos are. Why am I such a mess

[boysaresuicidal2]

I’m a nobody

[br0ken-and-lost-deactivated2018]

[wolfiiiix]

[l0stl0nleyb0y]

Purpose.

I'm struggling at the minute to understand my purpose. My reason for being placed on this earth. For me, it feels like we are placed here for the sole purpose of keeping the economy going before we eventually die. Everything seems to revolve around money. We get into thousands of pounds worth of debt to get a university education to aid in getting a job so that we have money. Going out with friends 9/10 times costs money. Yeah you can go to a park, but you have to have clothes on. Clothes cost money. Shoes cost a ridiculous amount of money. For me, I don't have my mum anymore and I wish I could say that my purpose in life if to be the person she would want me to be. Yes I do try that but ultimately she is dead. She's gone. She can never hug me again. She can never say she's proud of me. So what's the point? What's the point in trying to please someone that I used to know. And I hate to say that but it's been 3 years, who's to say my mum would want the same things from me now as she did three years ago? I'm a different person now. Bloody hell im a boy now! I just feel like my life is a constant cycle. Get up, go to uni, eat, go to sleep. I do that 4 days a week. The weekends I get up, go to work, eat, sleep, repeat. I have one day a week to live. To enjoy my life but that's taken up worrying. Worrying about money, worrying about uni, worrying about life. I've lived a life of anxiety and depression for about 10/11 years and I'm only 20. I don't really know any other way of life. I see people who seem happy in their lives. Contempt with how things have turned out. Then I look at me... why is my life so different? Why is everything I do corrupted by these anxious and low thoughts? Did I do something wrong when I was young? Did my family do something wrong? It can't have been my family because my brothers fine. My brother is happy. My brothers life is going well. So what caused me to be such a fuck up... I want to say it's not fair, but that's selfish. People have it worse than me. At least I have a house. An education. Clothes. I have a pretty good life all things considered. I mean my family love me to bits... I have a few friends that love me to pieces.

[nlori1234-deactivated20170203]

[sotick]

[nature-and-landscapes-on]

[sputnikobituary-deactivated2018]

[marci1900]

[thoughts-memories]