Donât Mix Thoughts and Dialogue
During a bit of dialogue, it can be incredibly tempting to give your reader a glimpse of what the characters are thinking. This is a trap. Donât do it.
Well, the best way to explain this is to just give you a quick example.
Mary laughed, her eyes sparkling. âHey, do you remember that night with Jimmy and the cat?â
Ryan smiled, his mind drifting back over the long years of their friendship. That they would still be so close after all this time was truly a gift. Yet a part of him still asked âwhat if?â What if they were meant to be something other than friends? Could that every happen or was he being greedy? Risking something beautiful for so little gain.
He shook his head, clearing his thoughts. Then he smiled and said, âYeah, I still donât know where he got it!â
Question: when you got to Ryanâs response, did you remember what Mary said or did you have to glance back up to jog your memory? If you glanced back up, then donât feel bad! You are completely normal and thatâs why this is a technique that you should use sparingly.
When weâre reading, our brains are constantly processing new information. Itâs basically an ongoing memory game! If youâve ever played one of those, then you know that it can be quite tricky to recall which picture is hiding under which card or what objects were on the now-hidden tray. However, we can always pick up the card or reveal the tray to remind ourselves of the answer. Similarly, we can always glanced back up the page and reread the previous line, but a story isnât a game. Most writers want their audience to be fully immersed in the scene. Their eyes should travel down the page, following the flow of the words, never needing to look back at what was said three paragraphs ago.
Youâre never going to be able to make your audience remember everything that you wrote. There are just too many words in the story. Thatâs why, when youâre writing dialogue, you want to keep all of the surrounding text related to the dialogue. Donât let your characters go off on tangents like Ryan did because then your audienceâs brain will switch to this new topic and forget the old one the same way that a verbal tangent will lead to someone asking, âHey, wait, what were we talking about?â
I get the temptation to do the thought thing. It can give some really fun insight into a character. I will do it myself in early drafts. Then, upon rereading, Iâll realize that I switched focus from the dialogue and, as much as I like sharing my characterâs thoughts, dialogue just isnât the place to do it. If youâre including dialogue, the point is usually the interactions between the characters, not their deep, individual thoughts.
In this case of the above, Ryanâs thoughts needed to wait until after the conversation was over OR I should have introduced this topic earlier so that I could briefly hint at Ryanâs feelings with something like:
Mary laughed, the sound making Ryan's traitorous heart skip a beat. Then she asked, âHey, do you remember that night with Jimmy and the cat?â
âYeah, I still donât know where he got it!â Ryan said, gazing at her with melancholy fondness. âDid he ever tell you?â
This is not to say that you can never do the thought thing. You can. Just be aware that it's dragging your audience away from the dialogue and they will likely forget the details of what was being discussed, making it a not-so-great techniquie.
The only time when Iâd do that is when I want the character to forget the conversation, too. Then I can bring the character and the audience back to the discussion in a natural way.
Iâll also note that readers do remember things long after they happen. Itâs just that what tends to stick are the big, important details (ex: Alim was murdered) or the things that get repeated constantly (ex: the suspect list that the detectives go over after every new clue). Dialogue tends to be largely forgettable as the point is rarely the specific words, which is why breaking a conversation is so jarring.