The Life of a Cardinal

[ladycardinaljen]

Entry 33 - Goodbye Social Life

10/22/22

Goodbye Facebook. Goodbye Instagram. Goodbye Snapchat. Goodbye Twitter. Goodbye Tiktok (which I never used). Goodbye Strangers. Hello Friends. Here I write, about something I haven’t talked about yet. Social life, and how that changes over the years. As I am getting older (and as we all do) we experience changes in life that we heard stories of but never believed. When they happen we act like we are so depressed and sad because of this, but I just noticed it’s an opportunity. As I’ve aged from 30-35 I have noticed all of my social contacts losing touch. This happens in time, but at this age it happens more. People “grow up”. They fall in love. They have children. What remains of your relationships are your pasts and how you remember them. Most of mine are good, but I’ve fallen off of some bad tracks. 

There have been times where I try to reach out and grab when I needed to let go. There have been other times where I have been hurt and manipulated, sometimes in relationships lasting over ten years. Some people suddenly just fell out, others said, “Fuck you.” So many things have happened in my life it’s even hard to remember which from what anymore.

All I know is I am more evolved than I have been before. My soul has adapted to this world in some ways and became more confused in others. The things that seem difficult seem easy to others. The easy things to me seem difficult to the world (Be Kind, Have Peace, Love others, do not let darkness cloud your heart, don’t start wars, respect others). Those things shouldn’t require exceptions. I thought deeply on a lot of different things and then it hit me. The social behaviors of an early life are gone and I was holding onto that because I did not understand how others can just move on. But people all go their own way, and we learn and see that at this point in life. I once referred this as to being on a train and you’re going somewhere only to have people come on and off with the stops. It is still a relevant analogy.

But this isn’t a bad thing. Especially in my situation. Here I have all of these stories, ideas, concepts, thoughts, passions, dreams, aspirations, that I need to not be in my head, but in reality. In order for that to happen I must be disciplined to this and this only.  What better time to do this than now? When so many of us have said “Goodbye my friends, and maybe for forever.” And as we all smile and wave (or flip each other off in some cases.) we now realize what it is in our reality: US. All together we have experienced and grown and moved on. We’ve smiled, laughed, cried. We have been through heartache and loss, anger frustration, but absolute joy. Memories to last lifetimes and experiences I’ll never forget.

This is to all you lovelies that I have EVER met. I remember almost all of you, and if I don’t or you don’t, perhaps we can remind each other of a story we once had or take a walk down memory lane. I see you all. I love you all. Goodbye for now (or until we talk again) and as Vera Lynn sings, “We’ll meet again. Don’t know where. Don’t know when. But I know we’ll meet again some sunny day.”

[ladycardinaljen]

Entry 32 - Where have I been?

9/26/22

I’m not so sure anyone would notice right about now, but I have most definitely been absent. What has gone on in the past month? Well lots of filming and occasionally editing, a lot of painting, and a lot of writing. But I haven’t been on top of things all of the time. Indeed I have lost track of blogging and my habit of schedule. Something that must be fixed. NOW. Here’s the thing, I’m going up to my sisters for the time being. We are supposed to be attending the Van Gogh exhibit in Jacksonville, but there’s a storm coming. This is more of an opportunity to flee to my Aunt & Uncle’s should there need to be shelter. But I’m looking at is a way to get out there and film something truly Florida, with safe distance of course.--

Heavy rainfall, wind, occasionally thunder and lightning, and lots of rain. Oh and people fleeing from the storm, I have to be sure to get that somehow. Of course they’ll all be going in exactly the same direction I am, so I’m sure my little journey north will be a... slow moving one.

Still I’ve got my ideas, my phone, my music. I shall enjoy... So I’m basically blogging this to get back into the habit of writing when my mind feels the ready. When there’s so much to occupy your time you have to learn where to put your attention and how to focus on that. By the way did I mention I got my first facial today!? Amazing. Also a massage. Wow. I was knotted up. I’m sure I still am in ways, but the tremendous amount of weight I was carrying... it was a lot.

My mother had me film all of the things in our house, in case of say, disaster. I hope nothing happens to this house, my home. But it seems possessions are just things, no matter how much meaning they have to you. It was kind of touching to go around my house in a place that I live and document it, even if I am saying, “Goodbye my love, maybe for forever.” but I most certainly hope not. We have been through many storms before. Most importantly is the safety, and for me, making sure my film survives.

Time to go write, Jenny out.*

[ladycardinaljen]

Entry 31 - I pledge allegiance to thyself

8/2/22

It has been almost four weeks since I have written on my vlog. Four weeks of what I believe to be an episode of mania or manic depression. Amazingly these episodes go deeper then, “I feel lost.” they also deplete you energy, make you feel unfocused, low on energy, and more. But every once and awhile something hits you like lightning, even if it’s known that the reaction of being hit by lightning is a force so great it can knock you out, stun you, or even kill you. I live in Florida where it’s claimed to be the lightning capital of the world, so I know a thing or two about lightning. I was hit today. Not so much physically as metaphorically (While I sit and listen to the sound of thunder and see the sight of lightning from my room). Today my case was closed for disability. In four long years I have tried tirelessly to get my case approved. Days when I sat there demonstrating that mental health related challenges were in fact real and true, and can be very debilitating. I reached up and asked for help, while I watched a nation I live in bend down and whisper in my ear, “No.” They said. “You will not get help from us.” The law firm that I use originated in Florida and the man who started it was outraged when his brother became disabled. After seeing him be told the same, he said he would fight for the people. And so they have. But the fight isn’t always a win, and in this case, like before, maybe it wasn’t a loss either. He had after all, started a firm and made something of himself at a great expense. Just like I have, I can now file legally for my LLC, begin filming in locations with people, interviewing, and having a structure poured for my career in motion. Now while all of this is great, it left me feeling empty in another place. I have grown frustrated of a topic that will change the context of patriotism for myself. I know there is a greater depth to what I see, but what I see frustrates me. I am angered and tormented in ways that others are, and see constant unconstitutional values in play to work a system for greed and power. I see our own veterans who fight for this nation being treated with disrespect from a nation they fought and believe in. Yet that same nation spits in our eyes. My frustration goes very deep with this. I could write a lot more. I should write a lot more. But sometimes painting a picture constitutes more value, I call this one,

‘I pledge allegiance to thyself’

[thoughtkick]

Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.

Hermann Hesse (via thoughtkick)

More affirmations to emotional responses.

[resqectable]

Soon you’ll realize that many people will love the idea of you but will lack the maturity to handle the reality of you.

Reyna Biddy (via resqectable)

Whew. The feels and the truth of this one is heavy.

[ladycardinaljen]

Entry 30 - Life is non-premonitional

7/13/22

That word is made up. “Premonition” It is a definition that we all call to when something is absolute. The truth of what is, no matter the cost. That is why it’s such a fuck. I say that because it is. How can anyone know what is to lie ahead of them being so absolute? I’ve always been told to. Everything around me was the way that it is for a simple definition and nothing more. What’s oh so sweet about that, is the simple things are always the most decadent. The more complexity that is added to the equation, the stronger the force. Maybe it is too much by definition and finding perfect ground is trivial. But what about those of us who feel so deeply? Everything imaginable, in a word such as that -- Imaginable. Surely everything is not imaginable because it hasn’t all been done. But in the seer of these who knows this true thing, infinite by definition entails it’s own reality. It’s nature is pure and greater than what is there is always so defined. But truly this cannot be seen, as imaginable, as premonition connect. The truth that we can imagine many, endless, things, and to be stuck on one certainty is wild. This is how I feel about my art, storytelling, film, photography, etc... Little pieces of me I’m leaving this world that will too pass. So premonitions scare me, because of the loss of certainty that there is only one thing to be absolute. But somehow I know this about God-- he is absolute. And I trust him for this. I believe in him. And I don’t believe a force that great should be challenged by threat. So while my last entry was my scariest yet, I invite you to believe that I write from my heart, with hope that it will be heard, seen, and loved. That it will challenge the ability to be simple, but to know that simpleness, it’s not all that bad. I believe my premonitions were from a bad strain of marijuana for me. I say this because every time I consumed of it I felt this way, and since being off of it have not felt those desires. But now, what is written above? That is from a new strain, and so far it’s doing really well with me. So here’s the future of greatness. With God I am many things, able to give to this world through him. I live for God and I love for God. I am so excited for this world when most of us are afraid. But I cannot deny, that watching other’s forget about or shame God is what is causing these fears of the world. Ones made by men, that bring nothing but selfishness and hate. We regret, humiliate, mock, defy, do not forgive, do not love, but express bitterness and detest. These actions are evil natured, they bring us only darkness. So why do we want them so much? Why do we allow such things to have control over us? These are parts of the world I do not like to see. But it exists, and therefore I cannot deny it. A world in black and white I want to paint with many colors. So much volume, so much depth, so much grace, and tragedy has only been vanished to make us learn what we have. That all things coexisting together is by a great force, and that force is many things to us, but we must not denounce it.

I end by saying, do not live your life as a premonition, dance with it, welcome it, love it, then you’ll truly know that certainty and premonition are two different things. 

[ladycardinaljen]

Entry 29 - Premonitions

7/2/22

Do premonitions exist? This is crazy, right? As I write, I now see how afraid I am. Why?? I don’t know, but it’s like a dark shadow has been following me for awhile now. I think this is depression setting in, in different ways than I have experienced before. But in the past few nights I have taken a new gummy chew to try to cut back on smoking, and, well, I think they’re making me paranoid. I am obviously going to stop taking them immediately, but they gave me this weird feeling, a feeling I didn’t like. I had weird visions of things I didn’t like, like a car blowing up, or crashing. And today on the road every accident I saw made me continuously more aware as I drove up to Lauren’s house in Georgia. This is the oddest feeling. I felt confident driving, my car has been making sounds I don’t like, but I got it inspected before coming up here with a few repairs, nothing serious. This is weird, right? Well it does go away in time, I’m not constantly thinking of death and the morbid side of life. In fact I very much love life and am glad to be alive. I love life so much that feeling like I would lose all that time is already a scary thought. But then I have to remember how much appreciation I have had for everything already. I don’t mean this to sound like an ending note, it’s not. The truth is this, I hav eso many stories left to tell. I have so much left to do. I am eager and excited for what’s to come and what I will learn, accomplish, and grow from. But so much of life is weird now. With everything. Maybe things just don’t make sense because sometimes they just don’t make sense. I am not trying to be poetic, I’m not. But life is a big huge mystery. I was never afraid of death after cancer. When I transitioned people told me I was going to hell for my transition, my lifestyle chooices, me being who I was. Was I really me or pretending to be me? Stones always cast, but those stones were knives. I have expressed greatly a lot of my faith. I am a follower (or try to be) a follower of Christ, a believer of God, and of the two. I love God with all of my heart and am so thankful to be alive. Thankful beyond words. The idea of hell bothers me. Even for me, I c an’t imagine anything as bad as it. It really hurt to hear that from others, even when people laugh it off like it’s a joke. The truth about me is I believe God loves me for who I am. I am absolutely not ashamed of who I am at all. What are the sins of the world that matter truly if is not for love? Who is hate but those who don’t show love to others, no matter the cost. I don’t imagine a world where things are the worst, but where there is peace. I know that’s where I’ll be. But for now? I am ready to roar. I am roaring. But why do I feel so constantly disconnected? Is this just a phase? So many thoughts, so little time. With love and with patience, forever and ever, to the world I am your friend, and to all I have ever known you have nothing but my love. I want to show that to you in my stories.

Film is important to me. Art is important to me. But beyond all I must remember what is most important. Family and friends, the relationships, and connections are always most important o you. Love transcends all things evil and turns them into good. Kindness allows this to happen, for without kindness, there is no love, only hate. Hate is unforgiving, hate is unkind, hate brings resentment, fear, anger, doubt, and confusion. Do not allow this for yourself. You do not deserve this, nor do they.

This is an amazing world we live in. What’s next is all the more amazing. This is Jenny, signing out (and hopefully back in again after this trip). Ready for a fantastic week and am excited to get to work when I get back!

[ladycardinaljen]

Entry 28 - My mind is my Superpower

5/31/21 Quietly pondering, I sit through the night. Listening with intent to light a fire with my words as I both hear and see. In my mind it makes complete sense. In the real world there is no sense to it at all. Are things ever so simple, are things ever so pure? A lot is to be said about my current feelings and emotions. To the world it makes no sense, to me it makes perfect sense. What is happening is I am going through a phase, and that phase is unsure of a lot of things, if anything questioning, everything. There’s that word “disconnect” again. But for a moment so great I felt disconnected from my self, spiritually, and physically. Like two forms that once aligned are for some reason not connecting. Like hands are not being held. What can I do to show them, you one are the two? I know not to fight for answers, for the world has already told you. It’s just not the time, therefore your not understanding is great, and a powerful thing too. It drives you to ask questions and try to figure things out. But here’s the problem, some things never get figured out. Some things get figured out you wish they hadn’t, and some things figured would haunt you forever. You must know that when things happen you can always go to God. I don’t speak much of religion or faith, but what I do have to say is very great I believe. There is a God. He watches us all. Quietly and patiently awaiting the moment for all things to happen. Things will always happen as they are meant to happen. Everything is falling into place. Even the bad pieces, the dark ones, and the one’s who threaten existence. But when they threaten God they have given birth to a new evil. A death mark that looks like a gold coated rose in a garden of yellow moss. Your logic is science and manifested as truth. Truth is that reality isn’t based on logic and the uncertainties outweigh the certainties. The unknown, the parallels, the possibilities beyond comprehension. We are our own realities and truth in this world. Everything that happened around is what we heard or what we saw. My reality is this: God is love. Man is evil. We are forgetting important things to ask ourselves in the eyes of all things love. Do we want a peaceful life or one that begs to ask the question, “Why am I so angry? Always.” A pattern follows into resentment, humility, and unforgiveness throwing out like a growing hurricane. Its power reflects others and they do unshakeable things. But peace is knowing that your existence is still alive, and in most cases true. In the moments that are trying your ends met will always be this: You are alive, and thus you have the power to think, using your mind. Your mind is not a prison. It is an endless playground of wonders. When someone finds that peace in their life and they know it to be true, is that all that matters, or is there more? I ask for the unknowing, knowing my own hope for existence in this reality. But I do know that this life is one transition from this reality to another. Who we are in that life is up for us to decide. And do we want to be them knowing that we are good and forgiven? I have felt the power of God flowing through me, and to this I write. This world is amazing, but not without God. Do not reject that but let it bring peace and love into your life. Kindness, and care, compassion, and forgiveness. An experience I just had was amazing. I don’t know if these things happen in my mind or my reality. But my reality is shifted by this: I have an unbelievable mind, that when these things happen is beyond hard for me to comprehend. I am asking so many questions with calculated precisions. But all at the same time I have to lay back, listen, and say, “Whatever happens, happens. I only control my actions, and when my actions go beyond my control, I seek forgiveness not ambition to my rights. I can shape my thought to be good, but curious, and free, living with love, and ambition, and free mind. I see all the wonders in this life. I just can’t comprehend them. I know and understand them when I learn about them, without sometimes truly remembering to just admire their existence, their reality. For it is a reality like and unlike mine so much it could almost be considered the same. But it is not the same. It is much, much, different. This is almost weird to write about. But I know in my mind what I want my existence to be, what to do, in my reality. It is important and profound to me, and that’s all that matters. I truly believe for it to help the world, if anything I truly believe God is telling me to do it. Yet sometimes my worldly mind wonders, “Is my time coming to an end? What if I don’t get to do all of these things and tell all of these stories?” The logical mind takes place. As silly as it may sound, it’s a pondering thought. Then there’s topics I haven’t even touched on like stranger thoughts on gender existence, which I will gladly write about in another. And other things, like the constant disconnect. Maybe I suddenly felt connected, and for a moment had an experience, maybe it was one of my mind. Does it so matter to you what it is to me? It is not hurting me. It is bringing me peace. But when it doesn’t, then be there to hold me, sit by me, and not leave. The trust must not be broken, the love must not be lost. For I am not broken and about to be tossed. I am love, I am good, even in a world full of all colors, even gray. In absolute certainty I am seen as different. Maybe that’s true. But I always remember you. I always love you. I always care. No matter who you are. I want peace for you. Never war, never suffering, nor brokenness. A world to imagine perfectly is one where all peace exists, and there is no reason for anything else. Is that heaven? It that the afterlife? It is to me. But I do not believe we can get there by denying and denouncing God. How much deeper does it go? Happily signing off this ever growing blog, saying, this is yours truly, Jenny, the confused. “What is Life right now? And I know this is okay.”

[ladycardinaljen]

Entry 27 - The Episodic Journey - Part II: Self Loathing & Self Loving

5/19/22 Some parts of life happen so naturally that it’s almost a miracle.

In my point and place, I’ve been trying to pour the foundation in a career that I so vividly see in my mind that I am making sure to take my time doing so, so that every pillar can be put in place, every sculpture positioned perfectly, every plant, flower, painting, roof, ceiling, tile, is heavily detailed to make sense later. If I rush this process, I lose. Nothing is more misunderstood than that. We live in a world that’s fast paced, and in this life we are told no breaks can occur and every moment is stressed about like an anxious piece of a puzzle that’s missing to the final picture. Rather than thinking of life as a painting, where every brush stroke creates a part for this painting.

I say that I am by no means a great artist, an important artist, but I am an artist. And my art is important to me. And if it’s important to me, I would like to share that with others. Except I’m not wanting to just share it, I’m being told to. Realistically the quiet life sounds nice, work something off on my own to pay off my debt, pay back my parents, and move to Colorado somewhere, where I can smoke weed, play video games, read books, watch endless-countless films, listen to endless-countless music, try cooking many different dishes, and once and awhile traveling somewhere to see parts of the world. Sounds like a joy, doesn’t it?

I believe that God is telling me, “No, not yet.” and saying, “There is work to be done.” and so I listen, with intent. I do not reject this, I simply go with it, and when my soul and God are talking to each other peacefully, suddenly thing’s make sense in this world. Everything has made sense in the last week, everything! I was at peace in my mind more than I ever have been, and suddenly more and more things started happening. Suddenly one night, while I’m investing valuable time in ‘Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim’ I hear a ping on my phone and look down to see that someone, a composer from L.A. has reached out to me regarding my film, ‘Floridaland’. Never have I felt so complacent that someone in this industry would share a passion with me. I hope this happens all around me in the many projects that lay ahead, but for a moment I would like to not only give a gracious welcome to him, he, Paul Zambrano. This is an artist that you need to look into. Immediately upon viewing his portfolio there is a well-placed video talking about how art is both Self-Loathing, and Self-Loving, and he explains why. Never have I focused on something so powerfully, and I realize how unique that is as it is my first experience in this career. So I thought about that long and hard, and continuing on from the earlier post, I said “Let’s vape some marijuana and think about some things that stem from this process.

Instantly I came alive hearing words come at me so fast that all I could do was record, and record, and record, and record. And as I did, I had a thought come in mind, that I could either 1). Be coming off as the most pretentious artist in the entire planet or 2). People will understand my passion. But I thought this because I made recordings talking about life and love and the meaning of reality, my connection to God and the universe, and my purpose in this life. I see it so vividly and well and yet I’m never told, “No, don’t do that.” by the most important saying, and that is God. I believe that everything happens as it’s supposed to.

Then the universe says yes, and you nod and say hello. I’m here to paint, write, draw, and inspire. I’m supposed to have fun as I see life through the eyes as a child, having wonder and amazement for all things around me. My stories are made clear because they are parts of me. My soul has become whole. I want to do this for myself, but most kindly, I want to do it for others. Most importantly however, I am doing it for God. As I embark on this journey, I am happy to tell my composer, Paul, that I am glad you’re the first person to join this journey with me. If we work together or if we choose our own paths later, that doesn’t matter. What matters now is that we’re going to make a really, REALLY, fantastic film.

Here’s to a day of self-loathing, now I’m off to self-love.

[ladycardinaljen]

Entry 26 - The Episodic Journey - Part I: The Power of the Flower

5/19/22 What an adventure. What a story. What is all the more interesting is the stories that exist were in the fabric of reality and all that comes after is an even more exciting chapter, or collected works. From time I find myself pondering around in thought. When I do that I invite a substance that allows my mind to experience this differently. I don’t rely on this method, but when I can allow it, I allow it. When it is allowed to do this, it usually embarks on a powerful journey. That method I’m talking about is marijuana, or medical cannabis, or just plain Mary Jane. The truth is I think if we live our lives with the wonders of humanity but expect it to judge us for what methods we take to allow ourselves to create then we are simply restraining personal freedom. In any such sense it should be said, if you’re not harming yourself, endangering yourself, distressing your mental or emotional well being in ways that will affect yourselves or others, then don’t do it. In my space, I have been fortunate enough to live in a state where medical cannabis is permitted. It has helped me. Tremendously. Let me explain... Marijuana has done nothing but amazing things for my life. In my entire life it would be unrelenting to say I did not suffer from depression. What I mean by this, is there was a powerful force making me feel trapped in the dark about a good many things. Fortunately as I have gotten older I have become more and more attuned to this and accept it as adversity. But in this particular moment, things were often gray, not black. It’s not that gray is a bad color, because it fit well on me, and I wore it with circular-square division. This meaning, it became a part of who I was and I didn’t see it as a bad thing. Later in my life this affects others around me. Now I realize this is because there is only those who see with one of two colors, but some of us can see gray, and even colors too. In sound, in music, in literature, in numbers, and in everything around you. It is a blessing to know what a color is. Are you grasping what’s happening yet? I have spent my life being depressed and with the use of medical cannabis have been able to open my world into new horizons. There’s two parts here: The one that helps me stay in tune with myself, when I’m having problems or feeling anxious (which only needs to be used in considerate use). Then there’s the other part that says, “Come with me, open your mind for a moment.” and when I do, I see even more colors, in even more things, food tastes better, music is deeper and greater than before, films are either so complex or the most hilarious thing you’ve ever seen. Everything, literally everything is better. Now in knowing this I recognize it as a piece of God’s earth that was given to me. Think of this, it is a plant, it is natural, it is common type behavior, and it is seemingly a gift. With this being said, know its effects, all of them. Read about it and be prepared to see that there are things that can be prohibiting. None of them seem to be how you focus, mentally, other than excessive amounts to possibly create depression, or worse, suicidal thoughts. It’s important to know all possibilities of something before saying yes or no to something blindly. But I have, and I do, and I know, and it has done me no harm, but much good. My moods have stabilized (mostly, almost in a percentage base of 90, being higher), my emotions have been containable and expressed when needed but not overbearing, I am more at peace, calm, relaxed, less anxious, and simply put, I enjoy life to it’s fullest. The greatest part? I could do it without it, but thank you God for the gift of marijuana. Today I vaped to enhance and stimulate my mind, to tap into those thoughts and feelings so that I could “work”. Ideas came and ideas went, but I recorded and wrote and am writing some more. I would say that’s a successful day. Personally, I’m a strong advocate for marijuana. I’m not saying if you haven’t tried it go and buy it off the streets right away. But I am saying if an opportunity is presented where you feel you’re in a safe place to try, ask yourself if you can, and then you will know the answer. I do believe it will be an experience worth engaging in, but if you feel it goes against your morals or you’re uninterested, then by all means, simply move on. But remember, there are those of us who love it, and it has done great things for us. I’ll explain in my next entry how.

[ladycardinaljen]

Entry 25 - What is Life?

5/12/22

What a pathetic title, yet so perfectly ordained for this exact topic. Today I felt off. Maybe it was because I have spent the past few weeks in my two rooms (my den and my art studio) doing pretty much nothing. This sounds so lazy, and wasted, right? Maybe it was lazy, or carefree, but I have needed this detox for some time now. Only possibly unimaginable things can happen to someone when they feel lonely. That disconnect. That relish of attraction towards the time you have to yourself. Free from everybody and everyone pretty much. It sounds like the dream. But is it? I must start by saying I am no means a lazy person. In such statements I feel like the word lazy is over-generalized. We look to those with discipline and work ethic like warriors at the front of a victorious soon-to-be battle. Like the base of success gives value to one, and therefore those who pend this ironless task like a three wielding smithman, they are good and those are bad. Now before I go on any further, I am not praising the value of underness. In any such case I am saying you do what you are only meant to do. So if someone doesn’t have any higher aspirations or dreams must lack in self-interest and is therefore “lazy”. This stigma is total nonsense. “Being lazy” demands a lot of negative attention, and for good reason. It is often marginalized by sexism and other such boasts yet truth deems merit when it comes to this: Prohibiting someone else’s worth, value, effort, time, spendings, ambitions for your own sake of a lazy lifestyle is not a glamor chamber of amusement but rather a torturing rack built by none other than you. When you allow yourself the world but use it at the expense of others it is a selfish demise, and a repertory one at that.

But allowing yourself the nature to sit back for a moment in silence as the world that’s whooshed around you has become sickening and fearsome. The time you have to enjoy the things you’ve always wanted to do; play a video game, watch a movie or more, construct puzzles, enjoy a fine meal, enjoy any meal, relax, be calm, sleep more, don’t change for a few days, shower or bathe, it’s really not as hideous as you would imagine. It allows your energy levels to rise further than you would imagine they did, and then BAM. Like an explosion. Everything makes sense. At least in your reality. Your reality is this: YOU ARE AN ARTIST! Arise with creativity, and spark, and hope, and truly allow yourself to fly freely in this world. It comes with a great time limit. Like a race to the clock. But slow down! You can’t emerge too fast. It’s like swallowing an entire candy bar whole. Take your time, when you can.

Then the fostering agents of my mind step in and say, “This here, discipline is needed and hope is given. You are worthy. Now you must commit. Obey these laws and you have figured out your own art.” I, the artist, ponder on this often. My time spent doing whatever it is I have done has not been with waste but great interest. An investment into a unique place, my imagination, where I can write, think, paint, draw, photograph, film, and create. It is mine, and it belongs to you, the world to see.

So what exactly happened? Today I took my pain of the self-loathing I have done to create an intricate system where I both needed that time and must push against it. I recorded tireless ideas for my films, stories, and books. Filling in the gaps to stories that have been written and focusing on an angle that is a direct approach to the story with meaning. Everything is finite. It happens for a reason until the inventory has been diminished. Cleverly. Approached with artistic insight and idealistic views. The stories are coming together like a painting being created. Only for me it’s several all at once. This is not a waste of time. I am investing in my future. I would recommend you to do the same thing if you can.

[ladycardinaljen]

Entry 24 - And so I write

5/10/22

I find myself in a world of oddity right now. What is time? What is this in my story that things should happen? How? It is just another part of the story. But stories change, and so I write, I had a lot of great ideas all come together. It was nice. It had happened many times before, and so there was a fire that burned blue in the night skies. It holds the key to my soul and allows my very being to come to life like it is now. This is what I feel when things are so well. An intense energy force coming from my inner spirits to say something to this world. So I must not worry, so I must not care. But to all that it is, I write for you and for me. Not with greed or selfishness, but because my soul is speaking to you, and so I say this to you,

I appreciate your time. Lately I haven’t felt that energy and realized I must be feeling depressed. But as an artist we experience many things and forget that sometimes taking a break unexpectedly, when needed, is so important to the creative process. This week and the weeks following, I allowed this for myself, immersing myself only in the world of movies and video games. This sounds controversial, a waste, but I promise you it’s not. Every bit and part of art is in these things that surrounds my minds and creates ideas. It helps me see into the eyes of characters that I play or that I watch being played and think about the decisions they would make given the circumstance. Is this where you want the story to go, or is it really where it’s going? Video games fill my heart with such joy. I adore them and have enjoyed spending time investing in their gameplay hours. Thank God for that gameplay hour logger, and here’s why. I see what time I have invested in the gameplay and appreciate it, value it’s time, and it’s worth. I never feel as if it is wasted, and when I invest that time I immerse myself into these scenarios. Recently I have been playing Skyrim to the bone and it’s filled my heart with great joy. I will soon write an entry on that. But I thought it best to also separate myself for a moment and realize that as filled with love and purity as life is, there is also a darkness that cannot be denied. You have to learn to fight it as I did. I say this with great truth, nothing is ever so freeing as to escape the darkness not into the light, but a world of color, filled with grays and blues, pinks and greens, purples, hazes, oranges, and lylacs. Beautiful aquamarine fills the sky with beautiful ease, and so a wall o ever changing colors to its veil surround thee. The world is wondrous and free, it imagines not what I see, but what you see, and what you want for the reality that you reside in. There is more to this reality than any other, knowing what to give so an existence is good. Made pure with these thoughts I so gladly write, that tonight I stood under the stars in the darkness where I fear. Too many fragments of time have been passed around in the sky for my generation and before, and coincidentally enough, the generations that follow me. Lapses of time and space scatter all around us and we are but matter that make up this existence we perceive as reality. I can only write the things of my mind, and therefore they are abstract, but they make sense to me. My stories come with great meaning and there is always a value, but sometimes the value isn’t what we see with our eyes, but what we think of in our minds. 

The mind guides the heart, the soul comes alive, out with the fire, in our great desires.

[ladycardinaljen]

The Life of a Cardinal turned 1 today!

Would you look at that? My new blog made it this long. I intend to keep writing for many years to come. Thanks tumblr for letting me express myself on here.

[ladycardinaljen]

Entry 23 - So, cial Media...

5/6/22

This is my second post tonight, and this one is a bit more emphatic. It may even be more suggestive and well, visibly relevant. I am by now means saying these statements are profound, but perhaps they are important things to know. I love Social Media. I post on Social Media quite a bit. Not all the time. Not every day. But I do like to spend time on there sharing my soul. To me it’s actually really fun to share that side of me with others. But before I can go on about the deepness of how I feel about Social Media being a good tool, it is also a double edged-sword. Recently I watched ‘The Social Dilemma’ on Netflix and had to take it in parts. Now I don’t know how far it goes into saying that this was maybe dramatized or made with a deeper impact than it should have, but it did at least expose something: There’s a problem. The problem is this..

We rely too heavily on Social Media. We base our lives off of it, and we spend a chunk of time wondering in and seeing other people’s lives. We see so much of them that we don’t see a lot of ourselves. Or allow ourselves the ability to explore our own lives and experience things just from our point of view. We post statuses and expect a certain amount of likes or comments, we post photos of ourselves in hopes that others will approve, and when they do not we feel down on ourselves or begin to think negatively about ourselves. We engage in arguments for the point in expressing our views, but know it often won’t do anything. We look back on our pasts and feel bad when things are different. We visit pages of others who have moved out of our lives or post passive aggressive statements, pictures, or posts because we feel upset. We block others out when we’re angry at them to make them feel canceled, or because we can’t stand to see anything of them. And the worst part of all, we scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, looking past others stories, statuses, and tweets. Do they all matter and if they do than why am I posting this? Because I also don’t think it’s a bad thing. So long as we use it for good. Posting things that make us happy is fine when we’re not showing off. But then again isn’t posting showing off? It’s how we look at things and see things. It’s what brings us joy to share. But I also remind myself of the time that I am off of it, and how great it feels. To live in my own life, in my own place, in my own space, and existence. It helps my creative process for my art. I feel part of that as an artist also means they express, and share, so this for me, is too, part of the creative process. With that being said, as an artist I am also pretentious and share a lot of what others don’t understand. So in constantly sharing my thoughts, ideas, and expressions with everyone, isn’t to start a fire, but to shed a light. To share and express my soul through art in writing, painting, photographing, filming, blogging, vlogging, tweeting, or posting.

I as an artist am simply sharing my soul with the world, not to upset, anger, or humiliate, but to show kindness, love, peace, and positivity, especially when there is so much darkness in the world. I have lived in the darkness and enjoyed it a lot, it’s latched itself to me several times and there aren’t times where I fight it still. Things like depression, anxiety, alters in moods, hallucinations, delusions, paranoias, and fears. All the worry the negativity, the toxicity, it always there. But I’ve chosen how to push it away and not let that take over me, make me feel, or hinder me. No matter what worries or dangers lurk, the fact is this: I am beyond thankful, joyous, passionate, and excited about life. All things before this were for this moment and more. Social Media, though? That may have been what did it to me. Or at least contributed to, heavily. And maybe there were things i did that I listed before, and it brought me no good. So does this just make me another victim of the system? The social dilemma? To this I say, recognize this moment now as very different. Use social media as a form of expression of yourself, but don’t use it as a tool and a mechanism for self destruction. Spend more time in your life exploring, reading, doing things, trying things, watching things. playing things.  Just don’t let it takeover you, use it for good, and only when you truly want to, not because you feel like you have nothing else to do. Even being in the moment somewhere is better than not fully immersed. I am both for and against this system. So much. Should it collapse, should it fall, can I live without it? I would have told myself yes before and not really meant it. But now? I use it because I want to. If it’s taken for me, then I simply say, “Thank you”. This post was not made FOR or AGAINST Social Media, just me posting some of my thoughts!

For me its...

Use it when I really only want to. Don’t use it to against myself or others. Be kind. Be expressive. Have fun. Live Life.

If I’m an artist, I must use my phone as a tool, like a brush, my strokes are important to painting a picture and must be done right. Have control over it, do not let it control you.

[ladycardinaljen]

Entry 22 - The Artist, The Director - The Clash of Two

5/6/22

There are two clashes I see going on here. It seems that there is always the clash of two. But in a strange sense that’s not always a bad thing. When two things come together it can sometimes be something very beautiful. Only in the eyes of man do we see good and bad. But what happens when that clash is from two powerful forces with drive and with passion, but only to be said in words they go against each other. How do we then make this clash possible for everyone to survive. Is it possible?

As an artist, I spend a lot of time wondering around in the fabric of my own reality in ways that many others cannot understand. It’s not that they wont, its just that this mindset seems to be given to a select few. No better or worse than others, just different. I see myself in my day-to-day activities and find ways to tell stories about things happening around me. When you hear the term, “Your life seems like a movie but it’s not.” from everyone you laugh to yourself, because your life really does seem to be a movie. Let me elaborate: There are chapters and events that happen the way that they do in each part of your life for some part of the story. Maybe sometimes it brings good, maybe other times it does bad, or goes against the conscious or will of the other. But yet here we are, face to face with the fact that our life is a story, our story, and as its being told we watch it unfold only from our own view, the one from inside of ourself. The actions just happen, the events unfold, you lean towards your own thoughts and opinions for a moment and realize that your existence is the only existence that you can ever belong to. Others will never know. Nor should they ever care, because their own existence is theirs, and to ours, ours.

So in that existence things happen when they’re meant to happen. They come and they appear as they need to be. And they happen all around you forever as you live. That reality is knowing when the art is real and when it is not. So why try to force something to happen when it  shouldn’t or won’t? They just simply do. So while you’re in this experience there’s a time to rest in knowing that something great will happen, be ready for it when it does. Now as a director there is also this. Your work requires something, time. But time is limited. It creates conflict, because you need to constraint time as much as you can, you have to enforce it and allow it no volume, but the value is ticking and running away. How this can affect the creative process is tirelessly hindersome, and I can say this about Floridaland, I am not running my picture like that. For this reason --

I want Floridaland to be a film that took it’s time, wasn’t rushed, and didn’t try to force itself in. I wanted it to bake with tender love and with care, so that when I present the world my first shot it isn’t completely done without heart and without love. But I also recognize that will change in the future, so does having an artist approach to a position such as director belong in such worlds? With film and with art they are separated for some reason but are exactly the same. Every film is a painting, done so in a different way. The director recognizes this and sees a good film as a picture that has been made with love, heart, and soul. Their way of expression in this matter was showing this in a different way than we could ever imagine. And so we see the artists painting come to fruition through imagery, sometimes sound, moving pictures, a score, the performances, and most importantly the story; which always matters. If there is no story there is no point in being interested, right? I say wrong.

I believe this is being abstract, and abstract is just another form of storytelling. Combining the two makes it more interesting than leaning one way or another, but if I must say so for myself, a more abstract approach is my best approach. Now preparing myself for the fact that this will change sometime, I must be intelligent enough to accept this as reality for any and all future projects, if I want them to exist the way that I hope for them. I must know that there is a structure and structure must not be broken. The director faces these challenges head on and says, “I understand, and that’s why I am upset.”

The artist that paints from their heart can be so many things. I am a director, although I am just born. All of my characteristics meet this criteria as I eagerly step my foot into this exciting new life. The only life I would choose for myself. There will be a lot more art in my future. Artists see this in themselves and know this, and they take their time doing so when they can. So which am I? The Artist? The Director? Or both? Can you be so many things at once or is this just the clash?

[ladycardinaljen]

Entry 21 - Art Unplugged

5/3/21

I’ve got to be open at this point forward about everything involving this entire process, that I thought at the time was mental illness. I see my life entirely different now and forget to see things as failures or falls. It’s this parallel where the things that were once every day drama, thoughts, opinions, become less than unshakeable grounds. For the last moment or two I forgot that what was happening because of it simply playing a part in life. And what now follows forward in life is the events of all things coming together, like one beautiful painting.

Perhaps I feel disconnected from this world. Is that are a part of my problem or my gift? The real world doesn’t make sense anymore. You can’t understand it. You just watch it happen when you wonder, why? Why all this unnecessary war, anger, destruction, and lack of empathy do not make this a tragedy to live in. It’s the idea that reality is different for every being and their reality must be yours. This is something I’ve really struggled with lately, and thought hard on also. What is my reality? My reality ceases to exist in the minds of others as natural or ordeal. It’s like a little spark of blue light in the many of yellow. I sense this not as originality but chaos and order. The two exists together, meaning that my reality isn’t necessarily chaos and all else order, like I feel the world sees me. But more as my reality being order, what I know to be true, then there’s the chaos that I see around me and it strikes me as odd, simply because I do not relate to it, I am the opposite of it.

All that makes sense is the ideas that make my head turn with every passing cloud of color in this vast landscape of shapes and textures. The imagination wheel turns round and I wonder why anyone who couldn’t see this wouldn’t try to share it? Or show it to others. The wonders that all imagination brings when it inspires others to be imaginative too. What vastness of cliches and original exist in this world that you want to say goodbye to? Thats the painting from the soul, at this very moment in time. Detached from reality.

[thoughtkick]

I dare you to burn holes into me; I will bleed love and kindness from all of them, and you will drown in the things you tried to end in me.

Eliot Knight, Believe It (via thoughtkick)

I’ll just leave this here, as beautiful as it sounds, it diminishes from the fact of kindness. I thought long and hard on this. It actually spoke to me in regards to things that have happened to me.

But still, I have an issue with it. The beginning of the quote does two things, it 1). Establishes that the sayer is testing someone into doing something to show how they will respond to the situation and do so more respectfully, and willingly, but this is not kind. The willingness of an act of kindness is not to challenge them into doing something against their will, but choosing to be kind in ways that don’t ask for attention. 2). It insinuates pain in the intolerant, and although the intolerant as arrogant as they may be, do not deserve more or less to feel something against someone. 3). It sounds cool, and totally badass. But I dare say, if you are showing kindness to someone do you do it out of control or do you do it out of genuine sincerity? One is far more important than the other, in fact it is all the more important. I love the way this sounds, and I will even go as so far to say that the writer did a fantastic job of articulating. This is not a critique, but simply a parallel view into a more abstract approach at this -- Wronging a right doesn’t think twice as righting a wrong delivers truth. Denying that truth does not involve immaturity, but simply neglects kindness in this situation. Being unforgiving of someone for something they’ve done to you thats caused you hurt, is a terrible thing. It doesn’t mean it always happened on purpose. It also doesn’t mean that it never happens by accident. But choosing to cause internal pain by neglecting their thoughts, opinions, beliefs, doesn’t subjectify itself to justification. In all things just, being just is being kind, and therefore being kind is the only just answer. Or is it? Is there a time where the mind must takeover. Where logic is uninterrupted even when kindness is forgotten. Then the beliefs that follow are a prism of lines that bounce from one thing to the next. That all emotion must be weighed in and justice is hard, harsh, and unforgiving. Then what makes the unforgivable forgivable? Are there such things? Murder, Trauma, Destruction, all things that in exist in such a thing as humanity. To what extent can we not be forgiven?

Perhaps this is why I consider myself a Christian, or someone with Christian beliefs. Christianity is about forgiveness in all things, and I think that is the true act of kindness. Maybe not everyone learns this type of kindness or will never know it, one can only hope that they would and will and do. When we spread this kind of love to the world we don’t start wars, we end them. We do not crush our enemies but clothe them, feed them, bathe them. What would we expect in ourselves? Absolute perfection? People have made mistakes. Sometimes people don’t make mistakes but they’re made to believe that they have. Not every time there is hurt is because it was meant to be there, that it happened by mistake. This to the world I tell you, If I have wronged you, then I hope you can forgive me. All of my sins are washed clean even when they weren’t really sins, but mistakes. God has already forgiven me for those things and most importantly I have too. But I saw my mistakes as ways not to be, but ways of what to do. Hope for the best, for everyone around me. Smile to those who laugh at me and continue loving them, knowing that I can do good things for them, make them feel good, and that doesn’t matter by their actions.

Kindness isn’t daring anyone to do anything for their own good. It’s only allowing them to know what intent lays deep in your heart for the world to see, not because you want to show that off. But because you want to share it. #Kindness