“I don’t fear death, I fear boredom.”
This is such an interesting addition to Xue Yang’s character. Because if three years of domesticity with Xue Xingchen and A-Qing isn’t boredom, then what is?
And it’s not like it was the most comfortable domesticity either. They stumble their way into an abandoned house that’s in dire need of repairs, where A-Qing isn’t even able to sleep in a proper bed, she sleeps in a coffin. They’re getting by, but they’re not prosperous. It isn’t like their particular domesticity was like the other major characters we see. They didn’t get to lounge around Lotus Pier or Koi Tower, at the top of the pecking order. They’re past the point where A-Qing is when we meet her, getting by as a beggar/scam artist, but not by much.
But Xue Yang did three years of that, and he didn’t choose to abandon it, he was backed into a corner by Song Lan’s arrival. And then, even though he fell into old murdery habits, he took action to preserve the quiet domestic life he had. If it wasn’t for A-Qing, he seemed like he would have just stepped right back into the old, comfortable routine without any fuss at all. He wasn’t itching for a chance to shake things up and make things interesting again. He killed Song Lan and went straight to grumbling about who was going to run dull errands (and putting up hardly any resistance before agreeing to run the errands himself).
So if three years of quiet, poor domesticity isn’t boredom, then what is? I could see him making a private joke out of playing at living that life, like it’s a game where he’s tricking everyone. But then it lasted for three years. Winters can’t have been pleasant in a house like the one they were living in, and he went through three.
There’s a lot to be said about the degree he found Xiao Xingchen fascinating, of course. And for things to last so long and get so affectionate, it was a lot more complicated and wanting than ‘oh, this is my nemesis, i’m going to break his spirit eventually or something.’ But I’ve already talked a decent amount about how he felt about Xiao Xingchen, and this line about boredom in particular is interesting to me.
Xue Yang rejects the idea of boredom, until he embraces it later. Given the way he starts tossing fuel on the fire when Xiao Xingchen realizes what’s happening, I think he’s aware that by his old standards, the life he’s been choosing to live is boring.
Xiao Xingchen, “Just what do you want to do, having stayed with me for all these years?”
Xue Yang, “Who knows? Maybe I’m bored.”
Xue Yang had a childhood with “no parents or money.” The incident where he’s exploited with promises of sweets and eventually gets his hand crushed and loses a finger is incredibly formative. Everything he chooses to share from that history is incredibly formative, honestly. So I think that his definition of ‘boredom’ is tied right into that childhood.
“The child really liked eating sweet things. But because he had no parents or money, he could rarely eat them. One day, the same as any other day, he was sitting zoned-out on a flight of stairs. Opposite to the stairs, there was a liquor shop. A man sat on a table inside of the shop. As he saw the child, he gestured for him to go over.”
“Being naive and puzzled, the child had nothing to do anyways. He saw someone wave at him, and immediately ran over. ”
When he rejects boredom, I think he’s taking his own background into account. He’s got no family. He’s got no money. He’s got nothing to do. He’d rather die than go back to living that sort of life.
Now, he settles down with Xiao Xingchen and A-Qing. They still don’t have much in the way of money. He doesn’t have anything to do, other than tag along when Xiao Xingchen goes night-hunting. So what’s the factor that’s changed?
He’s got someone who loves him and wants to take care of him. From the moment he’s awake enough to know Xiao Xingchen is there, Xiao Xingchen is caring for his wounds and helping him and isn’t asking anything in return, not even his name. And having someone who treats him this way? Having someone who values and wants him? That makes the difference between ‘I don’t fear death, I fear boredom,’ and ‘Actually, I really like this flavor of boredom and I will kill to hold onto it.’
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