The Deck of Certain Things, or: The Joke Item That Almost Destroyed my Campaign
[by u/astonishingantman / reddit]
“I created this thing over two years ago as a joke item. One of my players became convinced that I was trying to trick them, and that it was a real Deck of Many Things. His paranoia spread, and the party nearly killed each other over it. After some impromptu group therapy, they decided to leave the Deck be and never speak of it again.
So now you get to use it. Have fun!”
A set of 10 cards that come in a small box. “Deck of Certain Things” has been crudely carved into the box’s lid in Common.
Before you draw a card, you must declare how many cards you intend to draw and then draw them randomly (you can use a d10 to simulate the deck). Any cards drawn in excess of this number have no effect. Otherwise, as soon as you draw a card from the deck, its magic takes effect. Each card must be drawn no more than 1 hour after the previous draw. If you fail to draw the chosen number, the remaining cards fly from the deck and take effect all at once. Once a card is drawn it cannot reappear.
Once all 10 cards have been drawn, a pair of Gloves of Thievery appear in the deck box, along with a note thanking the Deck’s owner for the fun.
The cards are decorated with shoddy-looking artwork, seemingly scribbled with crayon. They are:
Acorn: 3d8 terrified squirrels are transported to your location from elsewhere on the material plane.
Fireworks: Your weapon explodes into a shower of brightly-colored glitter. It reforms in 1 hour.
Prospector: A wooden chest containing 10,000 pieces of counterfeit gold drops at your feet. The coins show a winking jester on both sides.
Liar: For the next 1d12 hours, telling a lie causes your trousers to ignite, dealing 1d6 points of fire damage.
Honey Jar: Summons a friendly sentient bear named Sigmund, who acts as an apothecary, selling the party potions from his backpack. He vanishes after 1d20 minutes.
Wallflower: You instantly succeed on all Insight checks for 24 hours, but fail all Intimidation checks.
Invitation: An imp appears in a burst of smoke, kicks you in the shins, then vanishes.
Nightmare: All items worn on your person, with the exception of undergarments, turn invisible for 1d4 hours.
Quill: A flameskull appears in front of you, delivers a heartfelt soliloquy, then explodes in a pillar of green flame. All creatures within 5 feet must make a Dexterity saving throw or take 2d10 fire damage.
Infant: For the next hour your voice is replaced with the shrill cries of a baby. You are unable to communicate through speech or cast spells with a verbal component.
