the call of the stars

amy, she/her, sometimes I write

[lappeldesetoiles]

the demon that clings

[lappeldesetoiles]

[lappeldesetoiles]

some days, I am lost in the forest of your eyes,

green and brown in equal measure,

a perfect match for the ocean depths I have been told linger in mine

some days, my hands can’t help but wander across the expanse of your body

as if I am an explorer discovering a breathtaking mountain range in the planes of your broad shoulders,

as if the sweet dip of your spine that winds down your back is a gentle river,

and I have not had a drink for days

as if I am the first to claim this divine land, the first to leave my mark upon this perfection

somedays, I pluck kisses from your petal soft lips

as if they are wildflowers in a meadow of my own design,

somedays, I am the wild fruit you bring to your lips

as if you are starving, and I am the only thing you could ever wish to eat

some days, i am the rainfall and you, the earth below me

and most days, you are the sunshine that keeps me warm,

you are the light that kisses my skin and lights up my life

and every day,

you are my north star,

and you are my way home

wherever I am, wherever I venture,

my heart will always find its home in your hands

wherever I am, even when I think I am lost,

I am found for your love will always guide me back home to you

wherever I am, even when I am lonely,

I am not alone for you and your heart are always with me

every day,

you are loving me in the quiet way you do

the gentle kind that echoes in my mind, and my heart, and my veins,

the warm kind that never leaves me cold

[lappeldesetoiles]

you’re in everything

you are the base of who we’ve grown into

the date’s arriving quickly now, and I think of you more and more

how could I not? I carry you with me

not just in my mind and not just in my heart

no, I carry you underneath my skin,

you are scar tissue that I’m proud of

 your song came on today at the perfect time

and I’ll think of it as a hello from up above

and I’m sorry we never got to say a real goodbye

but maybe a see you later is easier to bear

and I’m sorry you’ll never know how I hold your art forever with me,

like a painting on a canvas,

in a frame and on display

I am like a museum to your memory

and I am honored to carry on your legacy,

I am proud to show the world a piece of your heart

and I am proud to be the messenger of your talent to the world that never got to know you

 I hope you’re looking down at this ragtag group of kids

we’ve gone our separate ways, but you are the invisible thread that connects us all

I hope you’re proud of this legacy you’ve left behind with us to carry on,

I hope you understand all the ways you’ve changed our lives

 I try to see the world through your eyes,

maybe that’s why I bear your art, to better remind me how

to better help see the world the way you would

 in the classroom, you were teaching

I’ll never forget your passion as you spoke, your humor

I’ll never forget the fire in your eyes or the way you’d smile and laugh

I won’t forget the art you showed us

It will always remind me

I will tell them of your ghost

I feel raw when I talk about you to people who didn’t know you

but it’s a raw I need to feel

because you should be talked about,

every story, every memory is something that should be carried on

I hope to help your spirit reach everyone I know

with your friends alive and talking, that was you

I still remember how they spoke of you

with tears down their face and sadness in their voices

and I remember

how every story sounded just about right for you

how every story made me feel just that littlest bit closer to you

while also so far away

because there was always that wall that couldn’t be broken down

or maybe it could’ve, if we only had more time

well, I saw it in your movements, and even though you never knew it, well I knew

I was the quiet one, and the observant one

I think you knew this about me

and I knew, the days you were in pain

and I knew, when it started going sideways

and I think I turned a blind eye because I wanted to be wrong

you had me worried, so worried that this would last

I guess I have to say that I’m glad your pain wasn’t prolonged,

at the very least, I hope it happened quickly and I hope you didn’t suffer in the end

but now I’m learning, learning that this will pass

and I know, in my heart, that your life was full

and you lived it the way you wanted,

wild, free and happily

I am at peace knowing you lived out some of your biggest dreams

you said, “go out and live your journey”

and I will because you spent a year teaching us how

because you spent your life living as an example

I never cared much about Machu Picchu,

but I’ll travel that far just to see what you saw

to France, to China, to the oceans and the mountain peaks

I want to experience the world as fully as you did

into the play of fate, I must go

[lappeldesetoiles]

I remember that night too, even now, the sticky sweet taste of donuts lingers on my tongue, and I can still feel the echo of the wind through my hair, I can still feel it, that free fall, that free flying feeling it’s still in my bloodstream but I’m not sure I can feel the colors of the days anymore months back, I went to where it all began. there the sunflower stood. I went back recently, and it was no longer there its absence felt heavy, felt painful. it hit too close to home. because the sunflower is gone, just like what we had I still think about it, the hours we spent prolonging the inevitable keeping ourselves from saying that final goodbye but in the end, the final goodbye belonged to your lips alone I never knew a passenger seat could feel so much like a home but home is where the heart is and apparently, mine belongs with you in that old jeep. a few months ago, i sat there again, right beside you the sticker I gave you is still there, I couldn’t help but notice. the smell is different, the throw in the backseat too. but it felt too close to what it used to be. it felt too good to be something I can never truly have again. I never knew a passenger seat could be something I long for but it is, because it’s yours. I think about it more often than I’d expect a drive spent in nearly total silence, and yet I’ve thought about it a lot these last few days that was the beginning of it all, in a way I felt on edge and nervous but comfortable as well I was already falling, I’m not sure I even knew but I knew that you were everything, and your opinion of me mattered more than anything I could barely speak, my mind tangling itself into knots trying to think of what to say you had me tongue tied you always had me tongue tied, in a way. the lock we left on the old gate, I walk by it constantly and the only thought I have is of you of the night we put it there. I try to pinpoint which one was ours, sometimes I think I’ve got it but I don’t let myself stop or slow down because that’s giving in, that’s showing more than slight interest that’s accepting that I still care about it that I still care about you I moved back to town awhile back and I’ve realized that most of this town reminds me of you we drive down a street, I am reminded of a single moment with you nothing special, just us on a random afternoon but it stuck and it’s stayed I drive by my old place and I think of the sound of your jeep out front, of you picking me up for school, for dates, for prom, for nothing but wanting to see me the city is painted and tainted by the memories I keep inside me, even after all the time that’s gone by. even after all this time, whenever I drive by, my eyes dart to the parking lot of your work to check for your jeep it’s been a year and a half and my eyes still stray to you always to you, always checking if you’re there it’s for no reason at all except that I still long to see you, even from afar. you say you regret your decision, last July. i wish you’d tell me why, I wish you’d talk to me about this, I wish I knew how you were feeling about me, after everything. I wish you would’ve told me that you’d loved me, all those months ago it could’ve changed something it could’ve changed us I wish you’d have talked to me instead of leaving me in this great big after by myself I wish I’d have known you loved me then, I wish you still loved me now. but you don’t. so tell me so. tell me you don’t love me the way you used to tell me so I can give up on hoping you’ll come back to me someday. break my heart again and maybe I’ll learn, maybe this stubborn heart will finally learn to let you go.

- in reply to your letter; it’s a shame it came too late

[lappeldesetoiles]

the first time you tell me you love me,

it goes overlooked

you slip it in over a phone call, a hushed ‘te amo’ before you keep talking

the second time,

it doesn’t, you look at me as you say it

and you think I don’t know what it means,

you think I wont look further or know what you’ve confessed

but I know

and though you’ve said it twice,

it’s the third time you say it that really matters

because you say it as you look at me, before you kiss me

you say it and we both know I understand the words you speak

your flustered and shy and embarrassed; it’s the first time you’ve said it to anyone outside of your family

you feel like were going so fast, that it’s too soon

but we’ve been dancing around ‘I love you’ for a long time

with every ‘I love my baby’ or ‘I love everything about you’

it’s been coming and I’ve been waiting because

I love you

and you’re the first one I’ve said it to

and I’m shy and I’m embarrassed but I mean it

te amo

je t’aime

I love you

[lappeldesetoiles]

She had always liked the way his words broke the air, the lilt to his deep voice. It must have been the way his tongue curled around the words as he spoke them; not quite an accent but almost. It was the inflection, the tone, the something that made the sound of his voice one of her favorites. It comforted her to hear it, it made her smile when she felt nothing else could; he made her smile when nothing else could. She liked to watch the way his lips moved as he spoke, as he sang along to music, as he smiled. She’d been watching for so long, she didn’t even notice that she did it until she realized it meant something.

excerpt from a work in progress

[lappeldesetoiles]

Days always had colors to her. She could tell you that Mondays are a seafoam green and Tuesdays are a canary yellow and Wednesdays are bright blue, nearly always. Thursdays are most commonly burnt orange but they can never be pinned down, sometimes they're peach and sometimes, they're not. Fridays are violet with a mix of blue, Saturdays are the red in a summer sunset, violent. Sundays, well, they vary. Some weeks, they're pale pink and bright white, some weeks they're soft, pastel yellows and sky blues. But today, is a peach Thursday and the way the wind ruffles her hair is all she can see. See, some people are born with tragedy in their blood. This was something she realized on a blue Wednesday, two weeks after it all came back to her. Two weeks after she first saw her, in this life anyway. It was on a yellow Tuesday and in that moment, she knew she saw eternity. What she said to her was, ‘Have we met before?’ but what she thought was, ‘how many times have I died for you? how many more times will I?’ Time has always been against them. it was her last thought before she fell. It was a pale pink and bright white Sunday and the world around her smelled of coffee and her soft perfume and her heart was skipping beats. She realized she was in love on a pale Sunday, not that it was a surprise, and she thought, ‘in every life, it's always you. only you.’ Well, the world turned around them and she continued her fall as the girl she loved remained oblivious to it all.

excerpt from an unfinished story

[lappeldesetoiles]

you looked so beautiful in the candlelight,

I didn’t even mind the wind that howled outside,

I didn’t mind the tremble of the walls,

nor the chill in my bones,

nor the goosebumps on my skin,

for seeing you this way filled me with so much heat,

I may very well have burst into flame if it weren’t for your hands on me

pale skin stretches for what feels like miles,

turned honey and milk, golden and creamy in the face of the flames

if this is sin, if this is what sends me to hell

lord, forgive me, but I cannot give up the taste of honey on my tongue

I cannot give up the sight of flickering flames on pristine skin

if this is what sends me to hell,

lord, forgive me, but maybe I’m meant for the flames

for in their light, I have found the greatest pleasure in this life

[lappeldesetoiles]

the date came and went, the day passed as every other one had

and I didn’t notice it, and I didn’t think of you for even a moment

I didn’t remember what had happened, and I didn’t even realize it was passing me by

you haven’t been on my mind, not as you were before, not at all

I guess this is moving on, huh?

and I guess I’ll stop writing about you

I’ll stop writing to you, it’s about time.

I have someone new to write about

I have new eyes to find universes in

I have new freckles and beauty marks to memorize

I have a new smile to be the reason behind

new hands to hold, new lips to kiss, a new heart to cherish

[lappeldesetoiles]

[lappeldesetoiles]

upon a rainy day, the world is both quiet and loud

the world is muted in grey and muffled underneath the blanket of the clouds

and upon a rainy day, the rain crashes to the earth in a perfect symphony

and upon the sidewalk, the rain fell and darkened the pavement underfoot

and upon the grasses and the flowers, the raindrops landed and slid to the earth below

and upon the leaves and the branches, rainwater rested and sank in

and upon your face, a light seemed to shine

but it was not from above, but within

and upon a rainy day, you were the replacement sun

where the clouds were grey, and the winds cold,

your smile shone like the missing sunlight and brought the warmth of it too

and upon a rainy day, I fell in love with a burning star

and upon a rainy day, you are the most of who you are

[lappeldesetoiles]

the first time I cry in front of you,

it’s late at night, with only us around

it is slow, and quiet, and not that noticeable in any way

but you knew

because you always know

the first time I cry in front of you,

it’s about you leaving, and my mind is racing

because what if you decide you don’t want to come back to me

what if you find something better, someone better

what if you don’t come back to me, even if you wanted to

and you ask me what’s wrong

more than once, more than twice, you keep asking me, with such a gentle tone

but I can’t speak because if I do, my voice will break and I know I’ll cry harder

but you don’t need me to tell you anything

because you know

because you always know

the first time I cry in front of you,

you’re leaving for 8 days, and it shouldn’t make me cry the way it does

but you tell me that you’re coming right back to me

that I’m the only one you would want to come back to

you tell me that you’ll miss me

and you reassure me, over and over

and you call me baby, baby girl, sweet, so softly as if I am some precious thing

and somehow, that makes me want to cry harder

because you knew what was going on inside my head without me saying a word

 and the first time I realize what he did to me, is a few days before this

it’s when I wake up from a dream where you told me you didn’t want me

it’s when I wake up from a dream of you leaving me behind

and i wake with a heavy heart, a feeling i remember all too well

but the first time I cry in front of you is also the first time I really realize what he did to me

he damaged me in a way I didn’t notice until you came around

he took my love and left me behind, to find who he truly wanted

he left me so suddenly, when I thought we were so happy

and I hope, you don’t follow his example

because the first time I cry in front of you,

it’s in the safety of your arms, and I can feel your warmth, and I can hear your heart beat

and the first time I cry in front of you,

you are holding back tears because you hate to see me cry

and the day he left, he didn’t even look like he cared while I broke down

[lappeldesetoiles]

According to the multiverse theory, There are an infinite number of universes with an infinite number of you and an infinite number of me and an infinite number of every person out there and what this means is that somewhere, there is a universe where we never met and a universe where we stayed friends and a universe where you fell for her instead and what hurts the most to think about is that this also means there is a universe where our hands still meet and fold together in perfect synchrony there is a universe where our lips still melt against each other’s and our smiles still reach each other’s eyes in this faraway universe, you love me and in mine, you don’t and somewhere out there, there is a universe where I have moved on and I am over you, I no longer cry for what I lost when you said goodbye that day in July but I just can’t tell which universe I long to live in more The one where I am still allowed to love you with everything in me Or the one where I am no longer stuck with the burden of an unrequited love

multiverse and you / 4.25.18

[lappeldesetoiles]

I don’t know how to say it in a way to make you understand

I don’t have the words to convey the heaviness

the tiredness that’s seeped directly into my bones

the loneliness that always lives within me but has recently reared its head

how do I talk about the anxiety about everything, about the way my hands shake, how my mind races, my lungs fail, the way my heart beats to quick, too unevenly

how do I tell you about the crying

the feelings of worthlessness

the thoughts of giving up

how do I tell you that its bad and god, its really bad

maybe even the worst its ever been

how do I show you the little red lines that climb up my wrist

how do I tell you its okay but at the same time, im not okay

how do I explain that I don’t know why but I feel like i need the hurt

how do I tell you that the edge of a cliff sounds like the best way to feel like im flying

how do I open up without allowing you the chance to break me

how do I be vulnerable in a world hell bent on making everything so painful

 - i dont know whats wrong, but i know that nothing feels right 

[lappeldesetoiles]

it feels like there is a weighted silence where your name belongs, where I don’t speak it

it feels like I am skirting around the topic of you, but I still feel the presence of the name I dare not speak, 

it’s as if I am carefully stepping around a hole in the earth

something that I’ll fall into too easily and may not find a way to crawl out of

and when I finally breathe the syllables of you out,

I feel cut open, like I am a live wire unprotected, 

like my heart is beating in open air

like I am exposed and vulnerable and I am not ready to see the change in others

I am not ready to face the conversation of you

because the truth is I am still sensitive to your existence

to the thought of you and the feeling of your name on my tongue

I am carefully avoiding the elephant in the room

the elephant that stands to remind me that I will probably always love you

- your name; it holds more weight than it should

[lappeldesetoiles]

every time i would tell you that i wanted to tell you i love you but didn’t because it would mean something else between us than it would if we were simply friends

you would say that i love you and im in love with you are different so it’s fine if i do

we were friends underneath everything, after all

but, darling, did you ever consider that me saying i love you

would have been me saying, “im in love with you”

did you ever think that maybe that’s why i could never say it?

because it would’ve held a different weight than you saying those words ever could

and i’m sorry i’m late

but darling, i loved you

and i know i shouldn’t

but darling, i think maybe i still do

- the difference you never felt