For absolutely no reason but to engage new players, I had another player go out and hook some newbies. I dressed absurdly and met with them, acting twitchy and overly talkative, explaining that I was a scavenger that had found a box. And I wanted it. I wanted it bad. I wanted what was in it. But I needed help.
So here’s the scene: The new players walk up, and they see me, wearing a bag partly inverted as a hat (“It’s genius, see? When I need to carry stuff, I have a bag! And when I don’t, I have a hat!”) pacing back and forth and violently smoking a cigarette. One of the kids spoke up. “Hello?”
“Oh! Hi! Hello yes hi! Hmmm yes, you might do. You look strong. Are you fighters? You’re good enough. I need help.”
“What do you need?”
“Well, you see, there’s a box.” I pointed in the vague direction of where I’d positioned my NPCs and the Box. “I want it. I *need* it.”
One of the newbies took his hand off his weapon, deciding I wasn’t a threat but possibly a bit mad. “What’s in it?”
“I don’t know,” I snorted in derision. “I can’t tell without opening it, that’s how boxes work.”
The players were now deciding if I was amusing or annoying and hands went back to rest on weapons. It doesn’t help that our game is known for surprise explosives in boxes. “Well then why haven’t you opened it?”
“Ah!” I pointed at the querent and smiled, “You’re the smart one with the right questions, I see!” Yes, very clever. You’re all great. Help me out and I’ll split the goods with you. 50/50. Well, you look new-ish and I’m pretty flush. 60/40.“
The other one furrowed his brow. "So why didn’t you open the box?”
I pause just as I’m about to launch into another ramble. There’s a tense moment. “Well, see, there’s a flock of giant f*** off murder birds and-”
“Go to the tavern for help.”
“No! No wait. see, the box might not have a lot in it, and y'know, it’s a question of dividing the spoils, y'know? A few is better than a lot.”
My hook crossed his arms and stood very proud. “Let’s hear them out, I think we can do this.”
“That’s the spirit! Come, come! You’ll go in first.”
I led them around the corner, and we moved slightly into line of sight. There, amongst the trees and Autumn brush, were two NPCs and a box. Two NPCs with turkey face paint. Making turkey noises.
“See? Giant f***in’ murder-birds!” I explaimed excitedly, then, placing a fist to my head, “Clarification, you see two completely normal, average looking turkeys a little more than knee-high, looking a bit underfed.”
The players looked at the absurd scene before them. They looked at me. They looked at each other. Ghu help me, but they didn’t yet get the joke and actually discussed how to split up, flank the birds, and approach them carefully.
They were extremely careful in their movements, and they were tactical in their choices. Of course, the Turkeys could do only minimal damage and had about enough hit points to take two or three good hits from fairly weak weapons.
The turkeys dropped, and the players stared in confusion. This… this was a trap, right? A trick? Something?
I strolled over and grabbed the box. “NO!-” shouted one player, suddenly realizing that they were all about to be exploded horribly and die out here, having fallen for the most obvious trick possible.
“Hm, not bad,” I said, rooting through the item cards in the box. “What’s the problem, you wanted to open it? f*** you, it’s my box. I’m keeping the box, too. The 60/40 thing is just for what’s inside it.” The players almost relaxed, but they clearly expected to be jumped at any moment. Nonetheless, we split up the loot, nothing stunning but balanced to be particularly useful to new players/characters. I sniffed one of the “herbs” that I noticed had an expiration of that game on it and claimed that one for myself.
“Hmmm… it’s about to go off but it’s still pretty good. I’ll take this one.” The players nodded then watched in horror as I stuffed the item card into my mouth and *chewed*. “Don’t forget your weapons.” They looked where they’d left their weapons and collected them, in time to turn around and watch me, with some effort, *swallow*. I think I watched at least one soul just transcend at that point.
“Well, I’m taking the box. You kids figure out how you’re carrying that stuff back on your own. And hey, if I run into more murder-birds, I know who to talk to!”
And I left them there, confused, unharmed, and slightly wealthier. All I picked out of their conversation as I left was, “What the f*** was that?”
izzy806
2087
dededos
jbbartram-illu
kianamaiart
turnnoffyourmind
dailybridgerton
gummygunk
