Night of the Grandiloquent Cretins, 2013
Twas the night before he left, and all through the giant thatched house,
The champagne glasses were clinking and stirring, I was the mouse,
Russel darling said, “are you a Jew?” as he looked me up and down,
I said, “no, why do you ask?”, he said “that’s what I see when I look at you”, and gave a perplexed frown,
I couldn’t believe my ears, that I had been boxed so,
Because of my appearance combined with a racist assumption, my beau,
he looked at me, struck with shame, an embarrassment so acute,
that he had exposed me to his family, and they were upper class brutes,
They were the birds, and I the lamb, the birds I do despise,
Why must they look down on me when it is them that wear the guise,
the guise of self prophesied authority, they fancy themselves wise,
But I can see straight through those maximalists with their eyes on the prize,
Their elitists, their bigots, they pretend they are so nice,
they call me darling, they call me sweetheart, their beloved facades are their vice,
Your 50s BBC accent doesn’t fool me Vivian, nor do your vulgar jokes,
You’re no better for the wine in your cellar, I’m not seduced by your hoax,
You’re so fucking welcoming aren’t you?, before you ask my father’s income,
His profession, my plans for the future, make sure that I’m not dumb,
Is she engaging? Is she classy? Does she know her french cuisine?
Is she well travelled, does she ski, is she fit to be seen?
My beau, he could not be more repulsed, more horrified,
His heart sinks as they perform, ever more self glorified,
As if things couldn’t be more hideous, they remind us sarcastically of the pain,
Of the hours we spent on our last night together, searching in the rain,
El torro, El torro - a spanish name for a spanish dog - shit! he’s gone!
We scour the whole garden, its god knows how many acres long,
I’m so sorry my darling, that we’re spending our diminishing time like this,
but he’s never been alone in the dark, and he’s Sylvia’s little prince,
We search and search, I’m doing a fucking stupid spanish accent as I call his name,
We can’t find him, so my lover calls his father for help, he tries to explain,
but he’s answered by the gaggle of the drunken upper classes, the response he receives?
“You’ve got fifteen minutes for a bloody good shag! we’re just about to leave”,
My head is in my hands, is this really how they think of me?
That I’m his bit of rough? What if my love agrees?
How can I tell that when he looks at me its not through their eyes?
When we first went out together, we were certainly met with surprise,
It was in the look on the waiters faces, as we ate al fresco with Marlboro reds,
He was in chinos, a blazer and brogues, me in my ragamuffin threads,
He even had a cane, I hadn’t known what to expect?
He ordered fucking bellinis and unacquainted with this bourgeois shit, I got wrecked,
It was embarrassing, it really was, to look so out of place,
Why the fuck should I be seen as someone’s dirty secret, a disgrace,
But I must admit, I too, am somewhat ashamed of the match, the circumstance,
I won’t conform to that world of hierarchies, I won’t do the pretentious dance,
I won’t be laughed at down the local for speaking too posh,
I don’t want your favours, your charity, your handouts, your dosh,
I won’t drink your aged alcohol and slur my way through your tests,
I don’t want to hear about your time at Cambridge, I’m not fucking impressed,
“Course there were a lot less girls in the colleges back then, quite right too,
I smoked a hell of a lot of dope, I was pretty wild, but I got through”,
Well why don’t you go rub your nipples about it, you absolutely pathetic twat,
No I didn’t go to a private boarding school, and I’m fucking proud of that!
I’m not intimidated by the mention of James Joyce’s Ulysses,
Nor will your collection of object d’art get me to my knees,
It may come as a shock to you seeing as I’m your son’s new squeeze,
But it will never be grandiloquent cretins like you that I aim to please,
Fuck it, never mind, he’s left now, you can be at ease,
Severed by a titanic class barrier, and the North Sea.
