Lapis and the Narrative
I guess I'll elaborate on the theorizing I was doing wrt to Lapis, I need to start writing this shit down lmao
basically my idea is that, Lapis being aware of her place in the greater story is what drives a lot of her actions, and especially explains her martyrdom and savior tendencies towards Steven in specific. it also ties in very well with other themes about her character.
Lapis is aware of her place in the narrative. a lil meta, if you will, in a loose sort of way.
she understands that, on the whole, there is something larger always unfolding, and she is as much a part of it as anything else.
now, this is something I genuinely believe she became aware of in her time flying back to and on Homeworld once she gets there. she experiences culture shock on a mass scale and a collapse of faith of the only society she knows and so badly wanted to return to, despite their previous treatment of her (aka, trapping her in the mirror, interrogating her, and essentially leaving her to rot on a doomed planet. something she squarely places the blame for on the crystal gems at the start mind you).
this culminates into new trauma, and the horrible, dawning realization that she has basically reignited an intergalactic war and placed the burden of it firmly on the shoulders of her newest best friend and savior, Steven Universe. no, she doesn't know about the pink diamond stuff at this point, but she fears for his safety all the same in the beginning before she really realizes the gravity of what she's done. he's a human(?) that she's now put in grave danger. great! she tries desperately to warn him of homeworld's impending approach. tells him flat out not to fight it and maybe they won't hurt him if he cooperates. then, she denies his help entirely as she feels guilty for putting him in this mess. and what a mess it is, because it doesn't end at Jailbreak.
And her singular selfish wish to go home caused this spiral, that Steven has to deal with the bulk of.
because you see, once Lapis is introduced, her arc kicks off the rest of the series and the larger story at play. Lapis' journey as a character is, in part, realizing her place as the catalyst to what is to follow her actions and accepting her responsibility in the matter, and thus, her place narratively, figuratively, and literally.
so of course she feels guilty. of course she'd want to try and change the narrative, to insert herself to save Steven. she starts to understand her weight in the narrative, and it leads her to fighting to change it. everything from trapping Jasper, to denying Steven's aid at every turn and pushing him away. She tries in vain, at first, to fight it. and then, she stops.
she stops entirely, for a while. too afraid to reassert control of her own story, of herself, because look what happened last time! it's exacerbated by her seeming lack of control over the story happening to her. control and the lack of is, according to Sugar, an important aspect of her character. and maybe, just maybe, if she just displaces herself, that will fix it. maybe, if she stops participating in the narrative, it will be okay. however, that isn't what happened.
and when it all comes to a head as the Diamonds approach Earth, no wonder she freaks the hell out and flies to the moon. the weight of the fact she couldn't do anything to prevent this from happening to Steven is too much in the end.
so, she fully disconnected herself from the story.
well, she tried to, at least.
The Moon is her harsh lesson in acceptance. The final stage in the grieving process. Her last act, if you will. All in all, her journey almost seems to mimic the process of grief—Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, and Acceptance. The time leading up to her leaving to the Moon is marked by Depression. Anger being the time she spent trapped with Jasper and the immediate span after. Bargaining during her time on the hand ship. Denial, at first, of Homeworld's dystopian ways and their changes. She's completing the process of grieving what she had, what she was, and what she valued. Of the world she now no longer recognizes as her home. Of her former place in the narrative. She can't stand idly by and be a side character in her own life anymore, and let down the people she loves.
This acceptance, at last, is what allows her to drop the Barn. So by the time she comes to do so on Blue Diamond's head, she is ready to accept her place in all aspects. And she does. It's why she says, more or less, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em ("If they're gonna punish me like a Crystal Gem, I might as well be one, right?") Not only that, but it could symbolize her taking up Steven's offer from the episode involving lapis before this, Can't Go Back, where he invites her to drop the Barn on the beach so they can be neighbors, and thus, more involved in each other's lives. this shows that lapis basically exiled herself because she wanted to keep the crystal gems at arm's length until she was capable of accepting her place among them.
she can't fight her place in the narrative any longer, and she's come to accept Homeworld is not, and maybe even never was her home. She is taking control of her own story, and her life back. Watching her slam her former dictator on the head was satisfying, knowing that.
on that note, her destroying the Barn via the drop is remarkable symbolism for her acceptance and thus final rejection of Homeworld. The Barn marks some of her darkest eras of grieving. It's where she banished herself to (or was banished to by the author, if anyone remembers the "put in the Barn" discourse around the show wrt characters not getting on screen development). Destroying it is her shedding that, more acceptance in the form of letting go of the thing that acted as safety for her until it didn't. until it no longer served her to do so, and was actively holding her back in some regard (maladaptive coping/survival mechanism, anyone?). and, to quote my friend @sevenines—"For the audience there’s a wish to keep places precious, keep a status quo (which is why i see a lot of ppl hc lapis and peridot rebuild the barn). but lapis breaking the barn is like a shock that breaks audience expectations. the crew explained they used the breaking of rose’s sword in this way, so i wouldn’t be surprised if the barn symbolized this too."
by the end, Lapis is ready to accept her fate in its totality. is she perfect in doing so? of course not, she still has mountains of trauma to fully unpack, and maybe she never will. that pain will always exist, that guilt will always be there.
however, she knows now that her way forward is, ultimately, her choice. and probably always has been. that her actions, though they will have consequences, aren't fully out of her hands.
it's the true freedom she longed for. the true "home" she wanted, but could never quite name in its entirety.
Lapis always struck me as a character that, for being so lost in a worldly sense, is very aware of her role in the narrative and plays to that.
other little notes of what else this can tie to and explain:
- the fact that sometimes it feels like she has a bit of a Cassandra complex going on
- Her relative deadpan nature during her beginnings in the Barn
- makes the line I've felt worse hit harder. lapis has probably experienced a form of Ego Death, which Blue never had. she's gained the ability to truly see above and beyond herself, unlike Blue at this point in the story. it's not who was more depressed, or who has more trauma, it's a signal of Blue's old ways not phasing Lapis. it's a sign that she's more free than Blue could ever be. She isn't shackled by the injustices and prejudice of gem society any longer. She's stronger because she realized she had to change. Not because she's gone through worse. change is a core theme of SU, after all.
- the fact that Blue Diamond was intended to have a much more personal relationship with Lapis, as a member of her court (confirmed in the Answer when we see what I believe is her form before Regen from the mirror) makes this more interesting. The Barn drop was meant to be a cathartic moment for Lapis because it's implied she believes Blue more or less abandoned her. She's destroying the two biggest hindrances to her ultimate goal (freedom) with one Barn.
- Lapis' own design even reflects her lack of control. Rebecca has stated that her gem is on her back for that reason. everyone can see and know her, except herself. in that way, she is vulnerable, and lacks control over who or what might "see" her.
- elaborating more on Lapis' struggle, @sevenines says the following: "It’s interesting that her actions are like a chain of trying to go against what has happened to her and what she’s done. she holds jasper down to make up for endangering steven only to spend the rest of her time forcing herself to do nothing in a pseudo retirement out of guilt for what she’s done. endless attempts to fix her mistakes only to fear what she’s become to do it."
- With Jasper, she intends to erase them both from the narrative—Lapis dragging both herself and jasper down under the ocean is another way she tries to escape the narrative. her original goal was to keep them there forever. her one moment before she disappears entirely. Also, funnily enough, Steven himself acts a bit like a diegetic manifestation of the story. something that makes sense, because it IS his show, and story, it's from his POV and it's in the name.
anyway thanks for coming to my lapis ted talk have a nice day 🥰
