leafghost

poems by cason browne

[leafghost]

keefghost

[leafghost]

fem-babies

to be honest, i can't look in the mirror without dying anymore, i'd like to cut my cheeks off and feed them to the birds. this is a problem because i've declared myself to the world as  fem-baby this and fem-baby that and hating yourself is not allowed in fem-baby love love world.

for good reason.

i can't stop throwing up on myself in the mirror and drawing my vomit to make myself very very pretty like i should be but it doesn't really work which is unfortunate. i'd like to see what you see in me because all i see in me is everything you are which is everything i am not and you insist i am but i can only feel the eyes on the street screaming you are not you are not you are not

fem-babies should be beautiful and glitter with their underwear red stains and their mouth red stains and their large breasts bouncing as they walk around in their man world.

And I realize that I overreact, and I realize that I write in a way that makes me sound insane, but you self-medicate and I self-diagnose and it's because we are both broken and we are both trying to fill ourselves up. I'd like to try to fill my cracks with love instead of cement. But the mixture takes a long time to brew. For now,

I just have to wait.

[leafghost]

open door unhook it but leave dangling put plywood on lightbulb 5-7 scoops of food

use kettle just one

cinderblock door

[leafghost]

There's a lot of ice in my boots and we left the stereo playing and the door unlocked and the cigarette still burning and now my pants are on the ground

i feel the eyes on me when i walk through your baby town even the puppies look at me weird i can sense the cars drive a little slower at the sight of my slight woman's body as i splash my borrowed boots in every icy puddle i pass in borrowed shame i watch the seconds tick by and perhaps this is how you felt for months and now we are sharing skin and i have your green eyes your bed is so so cold without you in it but the shop calls the cold shop calls

[leafghost]

In my baby's arms: Once again; Once Again

I do not think I have ever felt so good as to when I left with hot tears and returned with hot kisses We, so afraid of change, but I love dropping you off at the shop and playing house My feet in my slippers my body in your sweater and my wet hands down your shirt The hours tick by and my car is trash and my heart leaps at every sound I hear outside

To know you are an inch away even when we are sweating in bed is so beautiful

Your lips curve to speak and my. I am dying at every breath

To know you blink at me You look at me Is too much nonsense to taste

Our love is thick and opaque and I am drowning in it.

[leafghost]

Blue Nipples

 She used to have lesbian fantasies about her best friend caitlyn and putting her mouth on her nipples which were swollen and blue.

she doesn’t have those thoughts so much anymore now she just thinks about cocks and balls and nipples, which all kind of weird her out but also kind of in a good way

she used to watch porn but stopped when she realised that it was making her think that other people wanted things that she was thinking they wanted all of the thoughts being the kind of thoughts porn wants you to think

big titted, porcelain skin, rubber vagina monster penis, 75 hour stamina, soulless

what she really wanted, from sex,  was for someone to take a microscope and raise every hair on her body one-by-one until they were all standing.

no one’s ever had the time, so far, or maybe they just haven’t cared enough.

all she really knows is sometimes,  often when a boy is inside of her and her mind is somewhere else,

she’s thinking about comfort, warmth, and love hot cups of tea the rain pouring down and every hair on her body standing up stick straight until she can’t stand it anymore and she finally lets go.

[leafghost]

meant to be

do you think we would be friends if we were the same age?

you were born 41 years before me but maybe we have a lot in common.

would we listen to the same music? would we sit next to each other on the bus feeling brief moments of remorse when the others’ stop came

or would we meet one another and fight and lie and seethe like we do now?

the Thing that scares me is that I think it is the second one rather than the first

although i was born to you is it really enough to justify the pain we bring to one another

i think the other world is better where we make brief eye contact on the street put our hands in our pockets and continue on our separate ways

not because of hatred, and not because of pain, but because it just simply wasn’t meant to be.

[leafghost]

ghosts of your touch remain on my skin

[leafghost]

dark green

when people think of me i want them to think of dark green but i think that when people think of me they think of grey and that makes me sad and sad and sad

[leafghost]

I have no title for this, this isn't even a poem.

i can’t stop biting the shirt you gave me because it’s the only thing i own of you besides the letters and i don’t want to bite those i’d really actually rather be biting you but you’re so, so far away or, actually, I am the one that’s far and it’s really just the worst. because i feel so empty all the time when i should be feeling full, or so they tell me, and no one understands, but i mean some people do, but not many i can’t talk about it to my mom i can’t, because she would tell me to grow up and stop being distracted but this isn’t distraction mom this is love, but maybe i really, really am very young and naive and maybe the big theatrical reveal is that love is distraction and i was just a stupid baby the whole time i think about that possibility a lot because so many people were so in love and then they get divorced and it makes me want to hide away and never commit to anything ever because of fear of that breaking of hearts i’m not saying i would change anything, i wouldn’t well i would, i would change the circumstances you were in and i would change the location of my body but not with you and me, nothing with you and me. the truth is, neither of us know how long we will  last even though we both want it to last forever and that scares me, does it scare you too? but also maybe we will last forever, because some people say fuck the odds and they do, and i hope we are them because i’d like that and i think we make each other better people. what i really mean is i miss you so much and i don’t know how to help besides share your pain but it doesn’t decrease yours  at all so it’s not really doing anything except making us both want to die which we already want but not really, we just have low-key depression because the world sucks. but it kind of doesn’t because it brought you to me but we’re not together right now, only on screens, and when we say goodbye over and over again everytime i hear the “sign-off” sound i want to cry

and i can’t.

i can’t cry.

and that’s the worst part of it all.

[leafghost]

You are not my water, I am not your fish.

you used to kiss a girl named molly while i used to kiss a boy named ben before that you kissed a girl named shannon while i kissed a boy named conor you and i, collectively, have kissed a lot of boys and girls in the world. we don't talk about it much, if ever, because it makes us sad kind of, but i really don't mind that much.

how could I know how to swim within you if i hadn't doggy-paddled first?

how could I know that your face was so remarkable if i hadn't touched others prior to yours?

how could i know that your lips so smooth your legs so beautiful your heart so full

I couldn't have. 

You would be my water, and I, your fish.

I am grateful for where I lay golden and full, hands intertwined you may be #3, but we are one.

[leafghost]

baby sleeps with a fist

baby sleeps with a fist baby sleeps with a fist why does baby sleep with a fist?

baby clenches teeth and punches walls and the rest of us run and hide under covers and deep deep inside

other baby wears black only black and that baby doesn’t know what’s what or how to differentiate this what from that what

babies don’t know.

baby drinks drinks baby smokes smokes other baby drinks and smokes and drinks again

babies babies punch each other in their baby sleep babies don’t know why they feel so sad baby tells me he don’t know i am baby i say i say i don’t know

babies kiss babies fuck babies smoke&drink&smoke&drink babies cry babies dig holes and bury themselves in it babies shit babies know they are beautiful babies take selfies babies think they know everything

but babies don’t know babies don’t know babies don’t know shit.

[leafghost]

blowjob

you didn't tell him that you had never done that before because you were embarrassed and so sexy so you just went for it.

he didn't even cum but he patted you on the head and told you it was good while you looked up at him from the dirty carpet and wiped some drool off the side of your mouth.

this pissed you off. because you were supposed to have to make the choice between showing how much you loved him and swallowing his lost babies or taking him up in your mouth and spitting him out because he is that repulsive to you and that worthless to you and girl told you she did that to a boy once, and you wanted that power.

but you didn't get it now you have sore knees, a rug burn, and the taste of half-flacid dick in your mouth. you should just go home.

Just go home.

[leafghost]

#feelings

u wake up and check yr phone -2 messages- thank god u open yr computer and keep the shades drawn and go to  w w w . gucci . com and you click  sort --> price --> high to low and click the first one because you want it and yr that rich and that happy

wait, are you happy?

it doesn't matter.

yr THAT happy

u eat a grain of rice and walk outside and yr hair burns off yr head bc its made of bleach but yr skin is covered in plastic so it doesn't burn

thank god

u c a rly cool quaint weird dirty gross band playing on the sidewalk

u watch for a min

yr boyfriend takes a pic of u putting a penny in their jar

yr charitable

instagram it

sleep comes sun sets sun rises sun sets sun rises sun sets sun rises schoolschoolschool boyfriendboyfriendsboyfriends $$$$$$$$ jobsjobsjobsjobsjobsjobs hubby kids park slope? no. miami? no? bedford. 49549598 carot diamond ring i love this slut 4 life u cry bc yr hairdresser cut yr hair 2 short she's a bitch bitchslutwhorebitch blowjob ew i never liked him anyway new hair color nail color i mean toes i mean personality house body skinny skinny girl blue eyes yr hot and yu know it butt butt yr anaconda dont want none unless yr butt but wait what help but i was just a little girl an embryo and help help instainstabrainbrain feelings down into a glass screen 2 hide that yr afraid afraid afraid of what? what nothing nothing to be afraid afraid of bc we don't don't think about those about those things anyway bb #bb ###bbb STOP

SOMEWHERE ELSE

SOMEONE WONDERS

HOW THE WORLD GOT TO THE PLACE

GOT SO IN OUR BRAINS

THAT WHEN SOMETHING IS BROKEN

WE THINK OF WHAT PRODUCT TO BUY

INSTEAD OF HOW TO FIX IT OURSELVES

HOW DID THAT HAP-

but that's not u

u wake up

-4 messages-

#thankgod

[leafghost]

it wa sraining and my feet were bare and thhey were cold but it was ok bc the air was hot and so was the energy the energy the energy was good

[leafghost]

What if I bit you?

my mama says that she don’t like when i bite my nails and pick at my skin because it looks bad and makes it seem like there is a  deeper issue

but here’s the thing, little mama, there actually is a deeper issue

but you will never understand.

when you close your eyes, mother, you don’t see the valiant flesh waiting to be torn apart by your ever-more-valiant fangs

you don’t have dreams of ripping them off your fingers so it is even, and honest,  or filing your finger down until there is only bone

perfect bone

you will never understand the pleasure of making yourself bleed with your teeth knowing that you are, indeed, as vulnerable on the outside as you feel on the inside

yes, my beds where my nails sleep are unflattering and rather short and stout, which is an aesthetic you despise, but i let you hurt me all the time, mama, and now i’m asking, for once, let me hurt myself.

[leafghost]

Joseph Mack

Joseph Mack -  why are you sad, joseph joe? lots of girls like you and that's what the magazines told me makes boys happy

joey, be happy! be happy, joe! the tomatoes and worms will keep you company joe-boy!

I can tell you are sad, J because I can see it in your eyes, boy they are blue but so foggy and I know you smoke weed but I know it's not that

I know you are sad, joe because you are best friends with my best friend with my lover and that makes us best friends, kind of, right joe?

Joe?

Are you here anymore?

Joe?

Where'd you go?

Joe?

Where'd you go, Joe?