VIVA LA FUCKING AVOCADO TOAST

[ilikecarsandlike4people]

"You're not breaking this one!"🏆

[abodywithorgans]

i'm so sorry, i walked marginally more than a mile in your shoes. my understanding of you has subsumed my own consciousness, i am you to a greater extent than you ever were, and you are merely a simulacrum to the true you, which is me.

[itscolossal]

The Japanese Mini Truck Garden Contest is a Whole New Genre in Landscaping

[approximateknowledge]

ok so hear me out

[heimeldat]

[takimakiiiii]

Lando Norris professional racing driver pickpocket

[crystallizedtwilight]

whoops

[knottahooker]

#when you set out for revenge dig two graves#unless you’re hamlet#in which case you’re going to want to rent a backhoe (x) YOU’RE NOT LEAVING THAT IN THE TAGS BUDDY

[drb10]

I love Valtteri Bottas istg.

[nudesornaw]

if you’re having a bad day, here’s a cute little marching band

this actually made me cry with joy also one of them is eating noodles

[readsquirrel]

It just keeps going and getting better. *^^*

[involuntaryorange]

Me two minutes ago: “cry with joy? an animation of cats playing instruments made someone cry with joy?”

Me now: (sobs into a tissue) “OH MY GOD THAT ONE IS PLAYING TWO RECORDERS AT THE SAME TIME” (blows nose)

[son-of-a-tenth-place]

CAT PARADE IS BACK

[damazcuz]

WAIT!

Before you hit send on that ask, reblog, or reply, remember to stop and PROOFREAD!

am I Pissing on the Poor?

did I Read the post in bad faith?

could I be Overexaggerating?

am I Out of line for saying this?

is it kind of Fucked up to say that to a total stranger?

is what I said Rude?

am I being Egotistical?

am I Angry at words that weren't in the post?

did I Dream up a pretend person to get mad at?

ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT YOURSELF FROM LOOKING LIKE A JACKASS ONLINE!

[wikipediahmms]

Source:

[bogleech]

I've never forgotten this bit from Brunching.com's dinosaur reviews back in 2002

[lunchboxpoems]

MARY OLIVER

[queen-susans-revenge]

One for sorrow Two for joy Three for a girl Four for a boy Five for silver Six for gold Seven for a secret never to be told

Eight for a wish Nine for a kiss Ten for a chance you must not miss Eleven for a wasp Twelve for a bee Thirteen for a coffee Fourteen for tea

Fifteen for a pencil Sixteen for a pen Seventeen to hear these options once again

Eighteen for pepper Nineteen for salt Twenty for an accident in which you were not at fault

Twenty one for Jerry Twenty two for Tom Twenty three - where are all these magpies coming from?

Twenty five no seriously Thirty this is weird Forty eight from where have all these magpies suddenly appeared?

Sixty two stop counting Seventy just run Ninety nine the revolution of the magpies has begun

Two hundred no more sorrow Five hundred no more fears One thousand for how long the empire of the magpies will last in years

(John Finnemore)

[coluring]

i used to think the brain was the most important part of the body. then I thought, look who’s telling me that…

[retroactivebakeries]

In the human body, there are SEVEN WOEFUL PRINCES that suffer under the harsh lash of REALITY-CONQUERING TYRANT CEREBELLUM. Their names are thus:

ARTERY-AND-VEIN MENDICANT: The prince who sits at the center of an endless ocean of blood, stirring the systolic and diastolic tides with his jade-lacquered oar. It is said that in ancient times, he sat the throne of selfdom, but was usurped. It wouldn’t be very mendicantly of him to pursue a devil’s urge to vengeance and retribution, but even the greatest saints can have slight flaws in their character.

BRAZEN LIVER CHAMPION: Only the strongest may survive in the terrifying princedom of the BRAZEN LIVER CHAMPION, a behemoth warrior clad head-to-toe in superheavy membraneous armor. He seeks to build up an army of deadly toxins and warrior-cells with which to overthrow the reign of REALITY-CONQUERING TYRANT CEREBELLUM, wresting the throne away for himself.

CANDLEMAKER: She who keeps the lipids of the body in her magical jar, and fashions fat into candles that burn with all the energy stored within it. She keeps no royal domain, but has declared the Cellular Republic of the Tissues, a neutral ground of function anarchy where princeless organelles or exiled traitors may make their homes. Still, she schemes for the throne of selfhood, for she dreams of transforming the body into an existence of pure energy.

DEVILISH APPENDIX LORD: Of the SEVEN WOEFUL PRINCES, the DEVILISH APPENDIX LORD is the most woeful by far. They exist as nullity, a collection of emergent processes of the void that have concatenated into a capacity for experiencing reality. Every day, the DEVILISH APPENDIX LORD must choose between continuing the endless torments of existence, or returning to their kingdoms of nothingness by killing the body whole. How long can such patience last?

GODFUCK LIBIDO: This prince is a wild beast among nobles, in the sense that it is literally a big fuck-off bear with magic powers. It governs the junk, and all the dumb animal impulses that emanate from within. GODFUCK LIBIDO has no plan for what it’d do if it won the throne of selfhood, because bears are not capable of that kind of long-term thinking.

KALEIDOSCOPIC PINEAL DRACULA: The vampire prince reigns from a petrified cathedral within the very flesh of the REALITY-CONQUERING TYRANT, holding her dominion against the tyrant’s absolute rule by the power of her three vampiric eyes. Within the bounds of her demesne, she keeps a ruthless court of scheming neurotransmitters, hormone functionaries, and the tyrant’s own emissaries. She would take no throne for herself, but rather push the body onward to full revolution, allowing a transcendent evolution towards the end of human entelechy through the harmonious alignment of all organs and tissues. But then again, she is basically a fucked-up dracula, so, take that last part with a bit of salt.

LOVELY LADY FEMUR: This skeleton empress commands all manner of necromancy, reigning from an ivory tower that binds the human body to the dirt of its mortality. If she were to the steal the throne of selfdom from the REALITY-CONQUERING TYRANT, her magical power would suffuse and transform the body. 

[elodieunderglass]

Hat tip @andlightplay

[hedgehog-moss]

I’ve noticed lately that it’s often Americans who leave tags like “I don’t even care if it’s made up” on posts I make that are not particularly unbelievable, but are pretty specific to my way of life or corner of the world (like the one about the cheese vendor). It reminds me of that tweet that was circulating, that said Americans have a “medieval peasant scale of worldview”—I mean, if you don’t want to be perceived this way by the rest of the world maybe don’t go around social media saying that if a cultural concept or way of life sounds unfamiliar it must be made up?

It’s the imbalance that’s annoying, because like—when I mentioned having no mobile network around here I had people giving me info about Verizon to fix my problem. I post some rural pic and someone says it must be somewhere in the Midwest because the Southwest doesn’t look like this. My post about my postwoman has thousands of Americans assuming it’s about the USPS. On my post about my architect there’s someone saying “it’s because architecture is an impacted major” and other irrelevant stuff about how architecture is taught in the US. This kind of thing happens so so so often and I’m expected to be familiar with the concepts of Verizon and the Midwest and impacted majors and the USPS and meanwhile I make a post about my daily life and Americans in the notes are debating like “dunno if real. it sounds made up”

Going online for the rest of the world means having to keep in mind an insane amount of hyperspecific trivia about American culture while going online for Americans means having to keep in mind that the rest of the world really exists I guess

[elodieunderglass]

On the other hand I found it disproportionately exciting that people were reblogging my post about salsify, which is very much a real and even common vegetable, with tags warning each other that it could be misinformation and they haven’t checked it. It’s a bit of a thrill to scam folks into unreality with a root vegetable

[wilga-art]

Truth! Justice! Freedom! Reasonably priced love! And a hard-boiled egg!

[trinklied]