It is a curious thing that some people think that having a depression is a cool thing. I was one of those people. Or ‘is’, probably. So I kinda understand why depression have its own attraction. I guess I will write about this in this piece. I don’t know where this journey ends, so come along if you don’t mind to walk through this spiral with me from the past (Y’know, because it’s written in my not so distance past. But it is still the past).
Life is so dull because I can’t put interest in things. I have no interest in what people all around me think interesting. I put interest in things that no one around me cares. And because happiness only real when shared, I rarely feels happy.
Besides that, people who know happy also needs to know sadness. I rarely feel sad. If sadness and happiness are like a plague, and interest is the medium for its spreads, the answer to me not being sad is also as clear as my previous explanation.
Because I am self absorbed, and think too much
I have a lot of spare time to sweat small stuffs and focus on the negative side. I am not sure whether I get depressed thanks to the result of my thinking. But I always think that I have control over my life, and I think I consider depression as a life choice. As if it will save me from thinking all of those unimportant stuff.
Because depressed people can create a good art
I am so sure that if I got depressed, I can make art. This way of thinking, thanks to over romanticized idea of depression.
Because unlike hatred, depression is forgivable
I feel awful to hate people. So to think that the problem is in me, and that I am depressed is more acceptable. Which is I am sure that I kinda am depressed thanks to certain someone who keep bugging me off like a lice, blood sucking lice.
A this point, I think this is me trying to convince myself that I am not depressed.
I have this weird idea that I need to escape this life, I need to be away from my current life. To be somewhere else, doing my own thing, no need to answer to any authorities. Lead a bohemian life. Somewhere in a place like Andean Mountains that we see in advertisement. What a luxury.
And in this escape plan, somehow I also managed to slip a figure of a man who will be my a patron saint of my escape. Someone outside from my current life. Someone so mysterious and strange and brilliant.
Well, I basically explains the Doctor.
He can take me anywhere. He can bring me to Andean Mountain first. And then, next stop, everywhere, all of time and space.
As I write this, I strangely feels less depressed.
I originally write this in Medium. Since I think it will exposed too much about my real self to others, I chose to switch it to this Alex tumblr. Because part of this writing, is thanks to my idea of him. I always think, maybe, Alex can be my mad man in a box. He is a lil bit weird in the head. My kind of weird.
And in my escape plan, he is the patron saint.
