Nora/27/She/Her main @risetoit This is just miscellaneous posts + whatever hyperfixation content does not fit the theme of my fandom-specific main or other sideblog.
ilya cat posts are top tier. Im pictuing the boston bears playing that game where you guess if someone is talking about their wife(in this case husband) or pet because ilya never specifies just vagueposts to his friends about "my beautiful baby waiting for me at home"
and it reminded me of a long lost friend of mine pork shane's evil hairless cat. idk if uve ever spoken about him but these cat posts got me missing my pal.
the real obstacle to hollanov: introducing ryba and pork to sharing a household
I love love love shallergies sm but also I think it’s so funny if Shane is (mildly) allergic to everything (projecting) except for this one thing and turns out that is the ~only~ thing Ilya is allergic to, “Russians don’t have allergies, we do not do this” he says as he’s actively itching and turning red because of fucking honey which is nearly impossible to be allergic to unless you either have a pollen allergy or you’re myilya <3
I have no idea how omegaverse works BUT imagine married hollanov being in an interview and my Shane has gained just a little bit of weight (because he stopped being so restrictive with his diet) and he is extremely omega coded so the mean reporter asks him if he is pregnant and my autistic baby just stays silent because wow that was harsh and he gets even more self conscious about his body than he already was
BUT his husband takes the question for him.
"Shane's not pregnant. I am." He says confidently.
Then his submissive alpha Shane Hollander looks at him with his big brown eyes and a suprised face.
"Are you?" He asks.
"Probably." Ilya shrugs and Shane's never smiled so widely before Ilya says this.
Like everything in his life, Shane is very pragmatic about sex.
First it’s planning their meet-ups months ahead. Shane has time to plan his outfit, do a pre-workout, and complete his prep routine. When he’s hosting, the temperature is perfectly set, lights low, fresh towels set out on the counters. When Ilya’s hosting or a hotel, he builds in time to do everything he needs beforehand.
Once they’re married, that changes. Living together means things can be a lot more spontaneous (which he loves) but he also likes to know The Plan™️.
And once they’re married, Shane has no problem asking for what he wants so he can plan out his day and routine. It’s not particularly sexy, but he guesses that’s married life.
“Ilya?”
“Hm?”
“Do you want to eat me out after the Canada match tonight?”
They had both been rooting for Canada at the world cup - Ilya even got them jerseys.
Ilya chokes and Shane frowns at him. “You okay?”
“I - just - what?”
“Well I’m going to do a full shower after my physio session with Amelia - I should be done by the time the Canada game starts. Oh - and I meant to ask if you liked those new frozen meals Lyn brought over. They’re a new brand.”
“I - yes, please Shane if I ever don’t want to eat you out, I have been replaced by aliens.”
“Okay, cool. And the meals?”
“Gross,” Ilya said. “But normal gross.”
~*~*~*~
“Ilya?”
“What?”
“Can we fuck on the couch tonight? With the fire going?”
Ilya grit his teeth and for a second Shane thought he would say no.
“Of course.”
“Maybe around 8? I bought 2 hour logs and the fire needs to be completely out by bedtime.”
“Okay.”
~*~*~*~
“Ilya!”
“Shane?”
“Look at your messages! I want to try that position. Maybe after we get back from our afternoon skate?”
~*~*~*~
“Ilya?” Shane asked through his cars bluetooth. Ilya was cooking and keeping him company on the phone as he drove back from an optometrist appointment. Much to his husband’s (fake) disappointment, his slight nearsightedness still didn’t need glasses for anything besides reading comfortably.
“Hm?”
“Did my package get delivered?”
“A package did. I put it on side table for you.”
“Can you go ahead and open it? I wasn’t sure what size to get so I got a few options. I want to try them this weekend - maybe Saturday? If they don’t fit, I’ll need to do another order tonight for 3 day shipping.”
He heard Ilya take a deep breath. He hated to give him another thing to do on top of making dinner, but he wanted to make sure they had the right sizes before they wanted to use them.
~*~*~*~
“Hey Ilya?” Shane said quietly, so the other people at the stuffy fundraiser couldn’t hear.
“Yes?” Ilya, his hand coming up to run through the back of Shane’s hair.
“I’m exhausted. Can we do shower blowjobs when we get home tonight?”
Ilya hand stuttered in his hair. Shane hated to disappoint him but he was too tired for his prep routine, his post routine, and cleaning the sheets. Or even getting up for Ilya to do it. Shower blowjobs had excellent clean up time and he could fall right into bed afterwards.
“That sounds perfect,” Ilya said, a little roughly.
~*~*~*~
Shane was going to kill him. Murder him. Like a sniper - out of the blue, at any given moment, Shane might call out to him all softly and then ask for hottest sex imaginable (all sex with Shane) AND THEN plan it for later, leaving Ilya incredibly worked up.
The worst part was Shane did not even know he did this to him - for Shane, it was just planning - run at 6, breakfast at 8:15, workout at 8:30, shower at 10, fuck husband at 10:45, off ice training at 12:15, etc. It drove Ilya insane.
But Ilya didn’t want to mess it up by acting on the extreme horniness he felt every time his husband causally planned out mind blowing sex. He knew routine was good for Shane’s brain and it would mess the routine up if Shane asked to pencil in a blowjob at 3:15pm and Ilya dropped to his knees right then. So he had to wait and wait until the clocked ticked down for their scheduled appointment. He loved it.
Yuna realizes that Shane and Ilya are in LOVE love when she hears singing coming from the kitchen.
“Chopping carrots with Ilya,” Shane sings under his breath. “Making salad with Ilya.”
Yuna smiles softly from the dining room. This is one of her favorite things about her son. From the time he could (barely) talk, he made up little songs about anything and everything. The first time he’d done it, he’d been strapped into his car seat and watching cars go by. When he’d caught Yuna’s eye in the rear view mirror, he’d smiled with all 8 of his little teeth and waved.
“Dwiving,” he’d sung, all of 18 months old and barely able to say the word properly. “Dwivin’ wi’ Mama. Wuv Mama.”
Yuna’s not sure if it’s Shane’s way of processing the world around him, just A Thing some people do, or something special about her baby boy. All she knows is that from the first time he’d made up a little tune about Driving With Mama, everything turned into a song. When he’s comfortable and feeling at ease, Shane turns little things around him into music.
Learning to tie his shoes? “Daddy’s teaching me to tie my shoes. One lace over the other. Make the bunny ears!”
Gearing up for practice when he was 8? “Going to practice. Gonna be great. Gonna score a goal!”
Studying for a science test? “Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. Everyone says it because it’s true. Moving on—organelles and cell walls.”
Gearing up for his first Metros game as captain? “Taping my hockey stick. Going out on the ice. Gonna kick some ass.”
It’s something so uniquely, adorably, perfectly Shane.
Today, though? As Shane’s in the kitchen preparing a salad for lunch? For the first time, someone else sings along. For the first time in Shane’s life, someone hears the tune and lyrics that only exist in his head and joins in.
“Making salad with Shane,” Ilya croons along, hooking his chin over his boyfriend’s shoulder and wrapping strong arms around his waist. “Preparing lunch with my love.”
Shane smiles and sings back as Ilya nuzzles his neck. “Being domestic with my boyfriend. Thinking of boring things we can do together.”
Ilya laughs and kisses his ear before finishing the song. “I love to be boring with yooouuuu.”
hollanov college au where ilya and shane are both broke students who share the same dorm room. shane thought ilya was a total asshole and messy slob when they first moved in, but then they somehow managed to not strangle each other and become close friends, inseparable even. and of course shane has been harbouring a secret crush on ilya, but he doesn't want to ruin their friendship and make things awkward between them, so he keeps his feelings to himself. he knows ilya's reputation around campus, he's aware of the rumours that ilya slept with half the sorority girls and an equal amount of guys as well, though shane notices ilya has never brought a hook-up to their room before... meanwhile shane is an inexperienced, fresh-out-of-the-cloest baby gay, so why would ilya be interested in a boring dweeb like him? :(
but god it's so hard to control his crush when ilya walks around half-naked all the time, whipping off his shirt the second he enters their shared space, skin glowing and muscles bulging like a fucking heart attack waiting to happen. ilya also seems to genuinely care about the topics shane is interested in (the lifecycle of frogs are fascinating okay) and actually accepts shane's weird quirks (if constantly doing laundry and meticulously folding his clothes and also not understanding subtext can be considered a 'quirk') and his strict cleaning schedule (is it so hard to sweep and wipe down surfaces and make your bed every day??). and ever since shane chewed him out for smoking out the open window of their dorm and drilled him on the health risks of inhaling carcinogens, he hasn't seen ilya with a cigarette since. which could mean nothing. or maybe ilya still smokes when shane isn't around to lecture him. that's probably it.
but then. there's also this look ilya has when he's around shane - all soft around the edges, a bit dazed, but simultaneously laser-focused on everything shane's saying. the way ilya nods at him eagerly like an attentive puppy-dog, waiting to be fed a treat. the way ilya murmurs unknown russian words at the end of his sentences sometimes, the soft tone of his voice tickling shane's ears. the way ilya's lips curl up into wide smile every time shane walks into the room, making him feel like he's the only person in the world.
but ilya is probably like that with everyone he tolerates. that's just his natural charisma and effect on people. shane isn't special or anything. he would be delusional to think anything more... right?
anyway, it's the end of the semester and shane is surprised when ilya wants to take him out to a nice dinner to celebrate passing their final exams. the place ilya picks is way out of their price range and a big departure from their usual haunts of the campus cafeteria and the cheap sushi place around the corner. but ilya insists he saved up enough money from his part-time job working at the car garage, so they both put on clean button-up shirts and slacks and they sit at a corner table of this fancy restaurant, drenched by mood lighting and surrounded by couples on dates.
the dollar amounts nearly send shane into panic spiral - what the hell is market price?? - so he scrambles to pick the cheapest dish on the menu - spring salad for a whopping $12 - but ilya shakes his head and orders steak frites for himself and a lemon-glazed salmon with seasonal vegetables plate for shane, ignores shane's protests and also orders a nice, not too overly expensive, but still classy bottle of white wine as well.
"it is our anniversary," ilya smiles at the server. places his palm over shane's hand on the table and squeezes. shane's heart stutters. "officially one month today."
oh. ilya must be doing a bit. it's common knowledge that if you say it's a special occasion, restaurants will give you free shit. that must be why ilya is staring at him all moony-eyed and dopey.
"yes." shane plays along and squeezes ilya's hand back. plasters on a smile, hopes the entire restaurant can't hear his heart beating out of his chest. "we are... dating."
the server gushing awww you two are such a cute couple and ilya saying i know right? we are in love twists like a knife in shane's gut because no, they are not together, ilya will never see him as anything more than a platonic friend, this is all for show, but hey at least they get free dessert out of the entire ruse, right?
dinner is enjoyable because it's impossible for shane not to have fun with ilya, despite the false circumstances. the food is good too, the salmon ilya picked for him cooked to perfection. ilya polishes off half the wine bottle like it's water while shane is half a glass of wine and a complimentary flute of bubbly champagne deep, skin warm and cheeks flushed. they feed each other bites of (free) chocolate lava cake but it's all fake, all an act to show they're a couple, and shane isn't tipsy enough to delude himself into thinking the entire night was a real date. he just can't.
so when ilya gently taps his shoe against shane's under the table after the check is paid and murmurs happy anniversary, baby – shane surprises himself by bursting into tears.
"what is wrong?" ilya asks panickily, reaching over the table to press the back of his hand on shane's forehead. "are you sick? i knew it, the champagne is too strong for your weak stomach–"
"don't be cruel," shane whispers. leans back in his chair, doesn't meet ilya's eyes. "i don't think i can handle it."
"cruel?" ilya sounds confused. "but you know you are lightweight. i have seen you throw up from taking one shot of vodka."
"not that," shane shakes his head. "i mean about tonight. i don't think i can pretend anymore, i can't pretend we're on a date and that we're more than friends and that this is nothing more than a funny joke to you so we can get free stuff and, and–" hiccups. "i can't–i know you don't see me in that way so let's just pretend nothing happened and go back ho– back to our dorm," he finishes lamely.
silence. a beat. shane wishes a sinkhole would open up and swallow him whole so he can be anywhere but here. instead, ilya rolls his eyes and lets out a loud sigh.
"shane," he says calmly, "you idiot. this is a date. we are dating. you are my boyfriend."
boyfriend? shane's brain short circuits. perhaps the hypothetical sinkhole did open up and he is now in a parallel dimension.
"what."
"shane." ilya shakes his head, fondly exasperated. "i held your hand the entire night. do you think i hold hands with all my friends?"
"but–
"we also do everything together."
"yeah, but–"
"we kiss each other on the lips all the time."
"platonically, sure–"
"we jerk off in the same room."
"that doesn't mean–"
"i suck your dick. many times."
"same, but–"
"there are two beds in our room, but we sleep in the same bed every night."
"because the heat is broken and your body is like a furnace–"
"i like spending every minute of my day with you and waking up next to you and hearing you talk about tadpoles and i like it when you yell at me to pick my socks up from the floor and you are so pretty and i love your freckles and you are my favourite person and i do not want to be with anyone else but you."
if shane doesn't already have tears in his eyes, then he is definitely having a full-on breakdown right now. but in a good way?
"oh."
ilya stands up and pulls shane out of his seat towards to door. presses a kiss on shane's temple. "let's go, lover. i will explain more on the way home."
home. shane's heart melts into a gooey mess. "ew ilya. don't say lover, that's gross," he groans, but still intertwines his fingers with ilya's. "but boyfriend... does have a nice to ring to it, though."
"yes," ilya says solemnly, "you are my butt boyfriend. because i want to fuck you in the–"
the rest of ilya's sentence gets swallowed up by shane's mouth crashing against his and they make out in the middle of the sidewalk but not for too long because shane has questions, a lot of them, and ilya patiently answers them all, and then they kiss forever and ever and they never stop the end ~
instantly had the idea of shane posing with some lilies (from ilya of course), thought it was quintessentially lily fuckery, bc you can't really confirm shit but the evidence sure is stacking up...
thanks to @wordy-and-nerdyy for reccing me this I love it so much 😭
MY HEAD IS FULL OF POISON AND MY HEART IS FULL OF DOUBT I GOT TOXINS IN MY BLOODSTREAM YOU TRIED SO HARD TO SUCK OUT AND IT FEELS LIKE MEDICATION AND ITS GOOD FOR ME IM SURE BUT IT DON’T MATTER HOW YOUR LOVE FEELS ANYMORE IT’LL NEVER BE THE CURE
#myshane has a policy, after they're married, of never apologizing for Ilya. Partly because if he starts, he'll spend the rest of his life doing it. Mostly because he agrees with pretty much everything Ilya says/does, or at least finds it hot.
Chirping other players, on and off the ice? That's just hockey. Ilya knows where the line is and if he crosses it, you deserve it. Saying shit in press conferences that no one else ever would? Shane's actually more upset that his years of media training means he'll never be able to bring himself to respond that way. Being unhinged on the internet? Shane is blushing and kicking his feet.
Furthermore, Shane knows the importance of being a united front now. Even if Ilya did something that upset him (I think talking candidly about their sex life to the public would do it, and pretty much nothing else) he would never scold Ilya in front of others. Because Ilya is his partner, not his child.
Fic idea in which Hayden uploads a video titled "For the people who still believe either of them would throw a game for the other" and it's a video of Shane and Ilya arguing if Ilya let Shane win at some board or card game. At one point.throws Shane divorce papers at Ilya, yelling he would rather die alone than get an easy win from Ilya. Ilya rips the papers apart while yelling at Shane that he would rather take a blade to the throat than letting Shane win any kind of game. At some point both try to get other people to confirm or deny if Ilya threw the game. They're yelling the whole time.
After an enormous amount of concern from the viewers, Hayden post a Pic of hollanov while they're making out, quite aggressively, the caption reading "no worries, while the heat of the rivalry may have faded from the ice, it continues om in their private lives. And while it may seems pretty intense, they're both pretty happy, as seen above".
Half of the viewers have a moment of "Oh fuck. It was fucking foreplay for them and they did it right in front of our eyes. For years."
Low-stakes headcanon: The teenage/young adult Hollanovlings find it impossible to watch movies with their middle-aged dads. Shane always has questions or comments about the plot every five minutes, especially if it lies within his Realm of Expertise, and Ilya is "just resting his eyes" almost as soon as the title card is up.
Ok so I'm loving the Ryba shenanigans and it got me thinking of the 'Wife or Dog?' scene from Brooklyn Nine-Nine: https://youtu.be/tb1Q0xZGauY?is=z4oIJBYjSdUCahW0
But just imagine Ilya getting asked about his weekend and his teammates having no idea if he's talking about a pet or a girlfriend/one night stand and they make a game out of it.
"Roz, what'd you get up to this weekend?"
Spa weekend with Ryba. I could pay to have her hair and nails done, but I like doing it myself 😊
"Roz, where'd you get all those scratches? *winkwink*"
My poor girl is afraid of fireworks.
"Does Ryba have a favorite TV show?"
She likes when I put on animal planet when I leave the house
"Where does Ryba sleep?"
Typically with me, though she can be rather active at night and sometimes I find her in the bathtub in the morning.
"What's Ryba's favorite food?"
Salmon! She'll eat it right out of my hand!
1000000000% this man is leaving ryba's favorite programs on the tv for her
It’s so crucial to my that the kitty LOVES Shane. Adores him. Gets nearly as excited to see him as Ilya does. She completely ignores Ilya for the first several hours of any Shane visit and Ilya can’t even bring himself to be insulted bc it’s how he feels about Shane too. Shane is dubious about this honor
i love shane who is just. PERPETUALLY a little suspicious of ryba and her motivations.
ryba, meanwhile??? ADORES him. cat-coded human!! hello!! where are we going? what are you looking at? what are you eating? can i sniff it? oh don't mind me i'll just sit right here-
"ilya, get your cat, she keeps following me to the bathroom"
"she doesn't want you to be lonely"
"okay, well, for the bathroom i would like to be lonely so please let her know that"
