lukewarm take but there's no way bruce "adopts every orphan he comes across" wayne didn't internally go "baby boy? baby? son? new son?" when he realized shazam is a twelve year old boy in a thirty year old man's body.
Bruce when the JL said he can't adopt Billy. "What is the charge? Adopting a baby? A little helpless baby? This is democracy manifest."
Bruce, concussed after a kidnap attempt: Who are you? You look familiar?
Green Arrow: I'm Green Arrow, Mr Wayne. Now, these guys are going to get you to the hospital. You just hang in there, OK?
Green Lantern: Before you go Mr Wayne, what can you tell us anything you know about-?
Bruce: Clark Kent and Superman are having an affair.
Hal:
Oliver:
Bruce: I walked in on them at last year's mayoral ball. I'm OK with it, Superman was just using me for my body but we can't tell Lois Lane. She's going to be so mad 😭.
Bruce: DAMIAN AL GHUL WAYNE COME HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANT!
Damian: Yes Father?
Brucr: Why have there been charges to your card for chlamydia treatment for the last 3 months?! You are SIXTEEN!
Damian: It's for the koalas!
Bruce:...What?
Damian: It's for the koalas father! It's a terrible epidemic for the wild population! Over 90% infection rates! $50 a month to contribute to helping keep the species alive is the least I can do!
Bruce: *deep breath* Next time, PLEASE, just ask me to set up a charity for whichever cause you're looking to sponsor. It'd give me less heart attacks.
I need you guys to walk with me and understand that Ilya and Shane's first fuck as a married couple takes place on the edge of Ilya's bed ("Our bed, Hollander, our marital bed--" "Jesus fucking Christ Ilya--") while Usher Yeah! plays at bone-melting volume from the backyard and guys from three different hockey teams yell the lyrics even louder. Shane realizes that Ilya is inadvertently thrusting to the beat and for one very brilliant second it is the hottest thing ever. The mood is genuinely almost ruined when the song switches to Sweet Caroline. Harris should never be allowed to DJ again.
"SWEET CAROLINE. BUM BUM BUM." - Eleven highly inebriated hockey players and David Hollander, who's having great memories of his own wedding where they played the same song.
"Good times never seemed so good..." - Ilya Rozanov, whisper-singing to himself and completely unaware of it as he rails his husband into next Tuesday.
"Why is this hot. Oh my god why is this hot." - Shane Hollander, who at the age of thirty is still discovering things about himself.
Bruce asked, so quietly that at first he thought he hadn't actually spoken the question aloud. But Jason turned his head from where he was working at the bench in the cave, fixing up whatever broken gadget he had.
"What? What do you mean?"
"The insinuations. The 'jokes'. Why?"
There had been a...change, certainly, after Jason had come back from death. There were more over time, especially after they managed to explain his death away and bring him back to legally living status, through no small amount of headache and paperwork. That the wrong body had been identified in that explosion years ago, that Jason had actually been alive in a foreign country this entire time.
It wasn't perfect, but it had worked.
But then Jason had started a new, terrible habit, seemingly out of thin air one day.
These....jokes.
Bruce hesitated to call them that. He didn't find them funny. They never sounded like jokes at all. He thought even the Joker wouldn't find them amusing in the slightest. The League sure hadn't, either.
At first they had been hit or miss, strange little things that popped up every now and again in a conversation that derailed it entirely. They made Bruce incredibly uncomfortable, what these things implied, but most times they were laughed off easily enough by whatever audience happened to be in the room. Jason only ever made these comments around others. Never in private.
Bruce wanted to ask him to stop, to ask where the hell these things were coming from, but Jason always changed the conversation onto something else smoothly enough. Usually the audience was quick to want to change the topic as well. Bruce tried asking him in private, after the ones he'd been witness to, why he was making these comments. But Jason brushed him off every time.
Bruce had hoped it was just a strange coping mechanism, a trauma response that would fade with time. They had all been under so much stress recently, and now Jason was back...
And these moments had been few and far between, up until now. Something odd that would make Bruce's hairs stand on end whenever they happened, if he was even present for the episode at all. With some looks he'd been receiving lately from the JLA, he felt these comments were made without his presence more often than in.
Then, the most recent one...
Bruce took a deep breath. He hadn't been present to see this one, but he didn't need to in order to know how awful it was.
"Come on, B, you know they're not real--"
"Then why does it feel like you think they are?" Bruce asked, voice sharper now. Louder. "Nobody else takes them as a joke. They take any inclination of abuse seriously. So why do you think these are just jokes?"
"Seriously? Obviously, they're not real!" Jason chuckled and laughed it off, shaking his head. He continued to focus on the workbench but did gesture outwards with a screwdriver in hand. "Who would think they are? I bet it's just Clark overreacting again."
"Everyone." Bruce stated dully. He could hear the pindrop silence in the room. "Everyone took them seriously. Every single comment, every time. Especially the most recent one."
He'd felt the stares, the judgement. Curious and hesitating glances when he passed by. Some didn't know what to believe, other just needed ammunition to prove their own theories correct. Ammunition like this.
What the letter burning a hole through his pocket had entailed.
"Do you want your siblings taken away by CPS?"
"What? No, of course not!" Jason stopped, smile dropping and finally looking away from the workbench. "You know I don't trust those social worker idiots for shit!"
"Then why did you tell the League I was abusing you all?" Bruce was on the verge of shouting yet trying to keep his wavering voice steady, and god he wanted to crumble and scream out all the pain he felt but that wouldn't help anything. He just wanted to know why? "You know how hard I had to fight with social services just to become your guardian. So why would you ever fool around with any notions that I'm a bad parent, to any degree, when you know that risks your siblings being taken away? You being taken away?"
"I-I never--Fuck, it was just a damn joke! Besides it's not like everything has been sunshine and roses here anyway! You've had your moments."
"Maybe I'm not a perfect guardian, but I've done my best to keep you safe and give you what you needed. What you wanted." Bruce felt the edge of a breakdown approaching, starting to question every little choice he had made so far in his life. He knew he hadn't been perfect. He could have been better, been stronger. He still screamed himself hoarse from the nightmares of holding Jason's limp body in that goddamn dessert. "Do you not want to be here? Do you not want me to be your guardian? Is that it?"
"That's not--No, I never meant to--!?"
"Then why?"
Jason's eyes were wide with panic, scrambling for an answer. "I just thought...it didn't mean anything! It was just a harmless prank! I didn't think anyone would take it so seriously!?"
Harmless.
Bruce felt like an iron hot poker had burned away every nerve ending he had until the only thing left he could feel was static.
"And why do you think spreading rumors about me being abusive towards you all would ever be harmless?"
Bruce asked this so much more calmly than he felt.
He didn't get a reply.
----------------
"What the hell did you do?"
"Oh, for fuck's sake..."
Jason groaned, knowing another round of screaming was starting up. He'd hidden away in the farthest corner of the old part of the cave just for that very reason. Jason had already been yelled at by a couple of the others in quick succession once the news broke, but he knew those were milquetoast compared to whatever Dick had in store.
"What. Did. You. Do?"
"It was just a stupid shitty prank, alright!? God, you're all insufferable. It'll be cleared up soon anyway what with Babs losing her fuckin' mind over this."
"A prank!?" The shriek intoned in just such a way Jason had to yank his head in the opposite direction or risk getting deafened. "Jesus Christ, Jason, they're investigating him for some frankly heinous shit, and taking Damian away, probably Tim and Duke too. Cass only gets a pass because she's overseas and that's more of a paperwork matter than anything else. Is that what you wanted from this 'prank'?"
"Of course not! I just--It was just a stupid joke that got out of hand, that's all, it's not my fault the idiots in the League took everything so goddamn personally!"
Dick just stared back him, like he were in complete shock. His face was ghostly white, which popped quite unnaturally with his eyes as wide--and filled with disappointment--as they were.
A minute went by in silence. Jason thought Dick was gearing up to go on a psychological verbal knife-throwing spree tearing him down, piece by piece.
Then--
"He gave me my life back after my world fucking ended." Dick spoke, unnervingly quiet and calm. It sent a harsh wave of goosebumps over Jason's skin. "And if I recall correctly, he did the same for you. So I can't believe you would ever do something like this in return. As a 'joke'."
A wall of ice rose up around Jason, like he were being entombed in an iceberg.
Dick said nothing else and turned on his heel, disappearing in the opposite direction.
Bruce has never understood why other parents complain about how difficult their kids are when they’re sick, because the batkids actually turn out to be nicer to him when they’re sick
They’re so sweet and docile, listening to his every word and obediently taking their medicine, looking up at Bruce with watery red eyes and awaiting praise
The only thing they request is Bruce’s attention and lots and lots of cuddles
He doesn’t know it, but that’s only for Bruce. Being sick is just an excuse to act sweet to him without getting embarrassed
Bruce had to go to a meeting at the company for a bit, and called Clark to come take care of his kids. He went over what meds to take at what time and who likes what blanket, but other than that, there wasn’t really any briefing. He didn't think he had any reason to
To this day, Clark talks about that time as if he were fighting Darkside himself
Dick wouldn’t sit down for anything. No matter what Clark bribed him with, the moment he turned his back, Dick was up and moving, despite having thrown up five seconds ago. He was also bothering everyone and talking over whatever show or movie all the kids had finally agreed upon. He was trying to land a flip while also doing his best not to throw up. It did not work. Clark almost threw up cleaning it before throwing a blanket over him when he finally collapsed
Jason wouldn’t even look at Clark. And anytime he did it was with utter disgust that truly hurt Clark’s feelings, even if the younger man was sniffling with a bright red nose. He's always been standoffish with Clark since he was a kid, but Clark thought he got over his jealousy after he explained he wasn't trying to steal Bruce's attention. He has not, he's just good at hiding it. Clark threw a blanket over him and decided to deal with it later
Cassandra lunged at him the moment he tried to put a cold compress on her forehead. He wasn't expecting it, so he barely dodged, even with his superspeed. She let out a low growl, and Clark seriously didn't know what to do with that kind of hostility. He kinda just threw a blanket over her and hoped for the best while she dozed off in Bruce’s favorite chair. He didn't dare disturb her unless it was time for her to take her medicine
Tim turned the brightness of all his devices to the max, even though it made him dizzy and gag, because he claimed he couldn’t see through his watery eyes. It didn’t help that he had to be kept separate from his other siblings so he didn’t get worse. He kept trying to sneak off to be with everyone, and Clark couldn’t let him, but he got so sad thinking about it, so he divided the living room where they were all staying in half with pillows, so Tim could still be in the room but not too close to anyone. He then threw a blanket over him and moved his devices away
Steph, on the other hand, was trying to sneak over to see Tim, which was bad. Logically, he knew they all understood Tim was vulnerable, but being sick seemed to devolve their thinking processes. She also continued asking for food, and when Clark brought it over, she’d gag and push it away. She then asked Clark to make something, and when he presented it to her, she gagged so hard she threw up, so Clark also threw a blanket over her head
Duke, while the calmest, was not easy to handle either. He would just stare. Clark expected that from any other child under Bruce’s wing, but not Duke. Duke would turn himself invisible to stare at Clark, but Clark got goosebumps all over his skin nonetheless. Super hearing can only do so much when the person sneaking around you is trained by Batman himself. He threw a blanket over Duke and prayed he didn't remove it
Damian insisted on having all his pets near him at all times, then got scared his sickness would transfer over to them and cried so hard he threw up. Clark deposited him in Cassandra’s lap after cleaning him up, just so he could have some comfort, and gave him his phone so he could watch all the videos he wanted of the cows on the farm. He then threw an animal print blanket over him
And all of them, yes, all, would randomly burst into tears and call out for Bruce. Each time, he would have to deliver the devastating news that he still wasn’t back, then be subjected to all seven glares, which was a lot to handle. He wanted to fly into the attic and hide, but he promised Bruce he would try his best, and he was bound by moral obligation
Yes, Clark tries to appeal to the masses and children by wearing bright colors, but he’s never claimed to be good at handling children. In fact, his parents would say he’s the opposite
He can handle it for short amounts of time, but carrying them and having to interact with them for an extended period of time? Fuck no. He's never had to clean up or make throw up as in that moment. He will not do it again
When Bruce comes back, all his kids are absolute angels again, if not a little more pushy, so they can cling to him without Clark being there. They whine and tug Bruce into the living room so they can pile on top of him (Tim has a mask on) and bury him under their combined weight
Bruce simply doesn’t believe a word of what Clark says. Those are his babies. And even if they did do that… whatever
MyShane is uncomfortable showing physical affection in public after years of being so deep in the closet he didn't even let himself recognise his own sexuality. However, that is so dramatically overshadowed by how possessive he is over Ilya. All Ilya has to do is smile at a pretty waitress and Shane is in his lap with his tongue so far down his throat it makes intubation look non-invasive in comparison.
getting so hard I’m gonna faint at the thought of some player chirping Ilya post coming out but it’s specifically targeted at Ilya’s mother (irina foundation being common knowledge) and for once, Ilya doesn’t have a comeback- he’s in a slump, he’s depressed, he’s feeling raw, and he freezes- just long enough for Shane to glide up, drop his gloves and punch the guy in the face so hard he knocks him out cold <3 that’s Shane’s man you’re talkin to <3
hard launch this, soft launch that...has anyone written hollanov going full gaslighting with their coming out? just straight up going "we've been together for years? why are you acting like this is news?"
double points if they don't even plan to do it. they decide to soft launch via no longer actively hiding their relationship, just slowly acting more like a couple around other people. they're both at some event and ilya finds shane and just wraps his arm across his shoulders, which maybe that could just be ilya being ilya, but then shane just leans into it? like this is fine and normal? and when someone questions it shane panics and is just like "why wouldn't i? he's my boyfriend" and whoever they're talking to is like "what? since when?" and ilya is immediately onboard with this game "since 2017."
they just keep doubling down "you don't remember me sneaking out to go visit him every time we played in boston? you were all chirping me about it."
"wait, did you two drive here together?" "why would we take separate cars, we live together?" "you WHAT?"
when someone thinks they're joking they bring up the group chat with shane's parents, ilya scrolls back to a text where yuna calls him her favorite son. they bring up a video clip jackie sent of the twins saying "we love you uncle ilya!" shane brings up his thread with svetlana where she sends him russian words and phrases she thinks he should know.
they quickly enlist everyone who already knew, get them all onboard to pretend like their relationship wasn't ever top secret information. shane posts a picture of him with anya, when someone comments "that looks just like ilya rozanov's dog?" he just replies "yeah, we adopted her several months ago" and ilya replies "love our daughter ❤️"
the more people act like this is revelatory news the more they inisist that it's not. "we started a charity together!" "i moved to canada for him!" meanwhile everyone else is slowly losing their minds.
Give me Shane awkwardly trying "queer culture" things that Ilya and Harris try to introduce him to and hating it.
Give me Shane "hates clubbing and bars" Hollander not minding Kingfisher in the afternoon but refusing to go at night. Give me Shane never understanding the slang (he's never online) and being overstimulated by drag brunch (it's so LOUD and nothing fits his diet even once he loosens it a little and brunch as a concept throws off his entire routine) and utterly bored by any TV show that isn't the latest game replay (is this reality TV? Is it a drama? He can't remember and he can't tell the difference but honestly he'd rather be watching hockey) and unable to remember the difference between Lady Gaga and Cher (he never listens to music anyway) and completely disinterested in changing his wardrobe (for fancy events he wears whatever his stylist tells him to but not anything adventurous, because he just wants to look acceptable not make a statement).
Give me Shane feeling alienated from gay culture the way he sometimes feels alienated from Japanese culture and being so frustrated that being himself, exactly as he is, still isn't good enough for anyone.
Give me a Shane Hollander who doesn't want to be "the gay hockey player" the same way he doesn't want to be "the Asian hockey player" but he'll suck it up because he's such an inspiration, don't you know how many kids look up to you? Don't you know how much it matters to them to see you out there loud and proud?
Give me Shane finally snapping at Ilya that clearly he's not "super gay" if he's so bad at it, because he's sick and tired of everyone being disappointed that he's not up on whatever the latest queer culture trend is and he does not want to be a "gay icon," he just wants to play hockey and love his husband, and he's not magically a different person now that everyone knows he's gay.
Give me Ilya reckoning with how coming out has only put more expectations on Shane's shoulders and noticing the roles Shane is always forced into - the Asian player, the gay player - and understanding a bit more why privacy seemed like a better guarantee of freedom to Shane than openness.
Give me Ilya promising Shane that he loves him exactly as he is, jocky and offline and dedicated to hockey, that he never has to change anything about himself to seem more palatable to anyone, and fuck anyone who thinks Shane isn't *anything* enough, because he's always been perfect for Ilya.
jacobvanloon
blakekathryn
turnnoffyourmind
pixelskylines
andulkaphoto
kianamaiart
germansingergirl
