This is a song for all the beautiful unwell
(Or I need to talk about The Vampire Lestat)
(Soft spoilers in the sense that I'm gonna try to be vague around specific plot things and focus on the theme)
It's been three days since I watched the finale and I'm finally able to put some of my feelings into words.
I read the books as a teen, more than 20 years ago. At the moment, Lestat was my favorite but I couldn't pinpoint why exactly, since I was repressing my own story. Finding him again as an adult has been magical. I'm still healing, because it's not linear and it's a process, but I'm not repressing anymore and that has allowed me to feel so fucking seen.
First two seasons were beautiful, don't take me wrong. I loved every episode and reconnected with an old spin. But this season? This season has wrecked me in the most beautiful way ever.
As a survivor of incestuous csa myself, Lestat feels real. I read someone (can't remember who or where, sorry) saying that Louis lies to himself about what happened, while Lestat remembers every goddamn detail so he avoids it because if he really looks at it for too long, he will break. And oh, if that doesn't feel relatable, holy molly.
The whole arc was so well done, the way Lestat spent all season trying to deny it’s abuse bc he can’t face it, how he excuses Gabrielle, how he tries to put boundaries that she pushes every time, the shame, the secret. And sure, he copes with dark humor too, he tries to justify it, to tell the viewers "It's normal for vampires, you wouldn't get it." But he knows that's bullshit. Deep down, he is soooo aware that is bullshit, that he lies about Gabrielle being dead, that they decide to tell everyone a fake story of how they met, to build "Sofia" and hide the truth. Someone who doesn't see this as problematic, wouldn't go to those lenghts to hide it.
Lestat tries to normalize it, tries to romantizise the abuse (same with Magnus) bc if it was fine, then there is no reason to be in pain. Lestat craves loves but at the same time is hiding his most formative trauma from the ones he is asking to love him, because Lestat doesn't believe himself deserving of love. Not the real him, at least. He builds a performative persona, and we can see the cracks, the mental breakdowns, but from the outside those cracks look like Lestat is losing his shit over nothing. Once we get inside his pov, we learn that no, Lestat is on the verge of losing his shit 24/7, so a lil push is enough to make him fall because he hasn't allowed himself to reach rock bottom.
When the secret comes out, Lestat's reaction is visceral. He pukes, he panics, he can't breathe, he stutters again. And he finally, finally, shows a lil bit of his suffering, finally gives Louis enough to understand him. It takes an awful comment from Louis to admit "I'm hurting". It takes to be openly blamed for the abuse as he has been unconsciously doing for centuries, to finally drop the act (act that was already falling a part very obviously). Because if Louis judges him, if Louis calls him sick, why bother hiding it anymore? His worst fear is becoming real, there is nothing to lose, Louis finds him unlovable. Except that dropping the mask is what makes a real different this time because Louis does loves him. Louis whole demanour changes the moment he understands, the moment he sees Lestat's pain. And then, his reaction is as healing as it was hurtful a few seconds ago. Louis hugs him, tells him it's okay, tells him he's sorry. Louis gives him a safe space, does his best to listen and not judge him while pointing out "That sounds bad." Louis is there, is that easy, that's what Lestat needed all along, for someone to see him, all of him, and stay there. That's why a small part of him craved that Louis would discover the truth (Louis and Louis alone, not the whole world, because he trusts Louis, and that trust is everything).
Only then, after he has felt fully loved during his most vulnerable moment, he is able to confront Gabrielle. Because once you experience a love that heals instead of hurting, the difference is so obvious, so abysmal, that the blindfold falls and you see the abuse for what it is.
Lestat's arc was messy and ugly. Raw and real.
Because this is the type of wound you need to open and desinfect if you ever want it to heal. It's going to ooze, to stink, to look disgusting and be extremely uncomfortable to watch. It’s gonna be painful, it’s gonna burn you and you’re gonna have to unravel the coping mechanisms, the lies your brain told you bc a child can’t comprehend their caretaker could hurt them so deeply.
Of course, my experience is not universal and I'm sure not every survivor would agree with me. But I've seen several survivors telling this has helped them too. And that matters. That matters so fucking much. I was panicking with Lestat in episode 6, and then crying like a baby because I felt comforted too. Watching Lestat trying to put himself back together again and again, breaking down, finally acknowledging what happened and still not giving up, admitting he has been a part of the cycle of abuse too, that there were lines he never crossed with Claudia but he had other things so normalized that he was unable to see how much that hurt his daughter. And after all of that, still loving so much and finally realizing he has to be vulnerable to be loved by who he truly is, and giving himself another chance. It means everything to me, it gives me strenght, it makes me feel less lonely, makes me feel seen. It heals me a little bit.
And I'm begging you, if you're not a survivor and you felt uncomfortable as hell with Gabrielle's scenes, listen to the survivors around you before letting your disgust speak for you. It's revolting, it's fucked up and it's totally fine if you don't wanna keep watching it. But don't say it was not necessary, don't say this show is trying to make incest look cool and fun. It might not be necessary for you, but as long as there is at least one person who healed a lil bit thanks to this season, it was necessary. Because discourse around incest and csa needs to be about survivors, not about how morally wrong it is. Trust me, we know, we're the ones living with the consequences of it, we know it sucks to a level that someone who luckily never went through it, would never understand.
To me, meeting Lestat for the second time has helped me to be more compassionate towards myself and the self-destructive and delusional coping mechanisms I used to have and I'm still learning to deconstruct.
So yeah, The Vampire Lestat was a freaking raw and beautiful masterpiece.
It was a season for the beautiful unwell and I will forever be grateful to the whole team that made it possible.
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