Let Go

A daily account of confronting, overcoming and accepting the struggles that come with being a child sexual abuse survivor. 

[dailyinspirationquotes]

[letgo-realityofsa]

Current life status. 

[letgo-realityofsa]

I moved to the United States about 5 months ago. It’s hard to believe it has even been that long. I was living overseas for the last 5 years and I adapted to living a different lifestyle. Since moving back to America I spent a few months visiting friends and family over the holiday season. I wanted to spend time with those people who meant the most to me. Then I moved to #Colorado where I only knew one person and had no established life. I kept thinking I must be crazy.

I started taking a semester of psychology credits, so I could apply for grad school later this year. I absolutely hate the classes I’m taking. My friend tells me I’m taking the un-fun classes and my graduate program will be much better. I hope she is right. I don’t like school, but I love learning. It’s challenging for me to focus in classes I don’t feel interested or invested in. I keep trying to remind myself that I have to get good grades, so I can be accepted to the grad school I want. I don’t feel motivated. 

When I made my plan to move back I felt confident and knew what I wanted to do. Now my plan is at a complete loss. I feel lost. I can’t find jobs that I want. I don’t really know what I’m qualified for. Resumes suck! A piece of paper can hold so much weight. I’m also an outsider to this new community I’ve transplanted myself to. I’m learning the ways and constructs. I have no friends. I don’t want to put myself out there. I feel like people don’t understand me. 

When I made this life change I knew I needed something different in my life. I wanted and needed an actual challenge. Life got too easy and too routine. I didn’t expect to feel depressed about my future as that isn’t my nature. I don’t know where I belong and it’s frightening. 

Always open to advice...

[letgo-realityofsa]

Brock Turner Case

Today Brock Turner is being released after a three month jail sentence for raping an unconscious girl. I’ve been reading articles in favor of both sides for months and keeping up to date on the case. Here’s what I think...

The conviction rate for rape in the United States is about 7%, which is the same rate for the crime in the United Kingdom. There are thousands of sexual assault crimes that happen and a very small percentage even go to trial. Out of the few cases that go to trial only 7% are convicted. Then many of the convictions are light sentences that don’t match the crime. Here is another issue, the majority of American Federal judges are male. In 2009, women represented just a quarter of the number of male Federal judges! I’m not implying that a female judge would give a harsher sentence and the complete opposite is possible due to not wanting to show favoritism to the sex. My point is women aren’t represented enough in the legal process. I understand men are raped too, but the majority are women. So these men making convictions don’t know the actual mental, emotional, and physical effects of rape. 

As a survivor of childhood abuse that includes rape, I understand how long the implications of these horrible acts stay with you, which is FOREVER. The survivor of the Brock Turner case will never be the same again. She is forever changed and has to find her way through her inner darkness. All light of hope vanishes, you are numb, alone, and sometimes you want to die. Brock Turner’s life changes too, but that is only primarily due to the amount of media coverage this case has gotten. If you are convicted of a sexual crime then you are supposed to register as a sex offender, BUT the offender has to do. If the survivor realizes the offender hasn’t registered they have to bring them back to court to make them. I’m outraged by this and I know women who have had to do this too. Just because you get a conviction doesn’t mean the legal process is over. 

The Brock Turner case also brought to the surface white male privilege in America. Turner attended Stanford, which is an elite college in America, and was on a swimming scholarship. When I think of Stanford, I think of money, and the privilege that comes with wealth. In the beginning of this case the media was portraying Turner as a great kid who made one little mistake. Thankfully, that coverage sparked outrage from people all around the country. RAPE isn’t a little mistake someone makes. It is intentional, about power, and control. Turner knew what he was doing that night when he was on top of this unconscious girl. I don’t blame the victim. The victim didn’t do anything wrong. She didn’t ask to be taken advantage of. She like any human had too much to drink and someone decided to take control of that situation. 

What are parents doing in America to their sons?! Why are men raping women still. This isn’t a new crime! Its existed since the beginning of time, but we are living in 2016 now. Why are we still trying to hide and protect these offenders?! Prevention and teaching is necessary at a young age to correct this behavior. Public sex education and public education in America sucks! Education isn’t about achieving the highest test scores, so a school can get more funding. The entire education system and government is doing a disservice to the young people in America. The system needs an overhaul and revamp. Change is GOOD and is NEEDED. We can’t continue working in an old system when society is advancing. 

I’m moving back to America next month after living abroad for the past five years. I think this is a wonderful time to be moving back, so I can help the cause of protecting survivors and their rights. I will do anything I can to bring awareness to this cause because I believe in it 100%!!! Let’s change the mindset of society and disprove rape myths. This is just one case. There are many similar cases and we can’t ignore them any longer. 

[letgo-realityofsa]

Excuses, Excuses...

I want people to take responsibility! This shouldn’t be a difficult concept, but I see many people around me making constant excuses despite their ever changing circumstances. Nothing will ever be good enough or right if we constantly tear it down and decide to see no good. It takes a positive mind to change the way we view the world, our choices, and current situation. 

I can think of making excuses and I’ll use them when necessary. I refuse to not take ownership of my life. If I’m unhappy, I might complain, but when it is constant I notice and contemplate if I need to make a life change. Many times I need to change my outlook and attitude. To find gratitude for what I have in my life and focus my energy on that aspect. 

It happens where people might have a bad day or week, but when that turns in to a year or their personality then I can’t stand by to watch. These tend to be soul suckers in life and those people I trim out. That might sound harsh, but when you try to keep positive influences in your life then it’s a survival need. Negative people will appear in all shapes and forms. I don’t care if these people are family because a negative person is just that, negative. 

I’m not perfect, nor do I claim to be. I’ve had an extremely trying year so far, I’ve been negative, depressed, sad, happy, excited, and anxious. I’ve felt a spectrum of emotions, but at the end of the day I choose to be happy and optimistic. Due to my experiences I’m not tolerant enough of other people. I become blindsided to my strength and lack of understanding. Everyone deserves compassion, but I look for patterns. I won’t be used and abused my people due to their negativity. 

[letgo-realityofsa]

Mental Health Awareness Month

Mental Health Awareness Month follows Sexual Assault Awareness & Prevention Month, which seems very fitting. I’m pretty open about my struggles with anxiety and balancing my mental health. It’s a daily struggle and my stability comes in waves. I’m fiercely independent and hate asking for help. It took me years to seek out a therapist when I was uncovering the darkness of my past. I’m not seeing a therapist right now because I’ve come to a place in life where I know how to cope and when to take a step back from stressors. Writing is a stress reliever, I try to write often, but for the past few months it’s been a struggle. Since it has been a struggle finding time to relieve the stress that’s mounting, I’m turning in to a mess. 

I don’t try to push people away, but when I’m nearing an emotional breakdown I turn into a bitchy version of me. I’m not trying to act that way, I just feel so much pressure that I don’t care about anyone else. Other people seem insignificant if they aren’t in my circle of close friends or family. This is when I wish people asked the question like, “what’s wrong?”, but that doesn’t happen until I act out. I lack support right now, my life is changing, and the majority of my close friends live in America or are moving back there. I face timed with a very close friend last night, but I felt like I couldn’t even express properly everything I was feeling. 

When I don’t feel overloaded and overwhelmed, I go out of my way to ask how others are and help be that listening ear. This supports my career move of pursuing psychology. I wish I had more people physically present as support. It takes me a long time to build trust and friendships, so I don’t have many friends. I don’t need a huge group of people just 2 or 3 people. You don’t realize how significant a hug from a family member or friend can be. I miss human contact with people I care for. I know many people feel this way. 

This is why a piece of self expression is important. I’m sharing my inner thoughts, stresses, and vulnerabilities. I want other people to know they aren’t alone. that these moments suck, but eventually we’ll pick ourselves up and carry on. Even in my greatest moments of despair, I know I’m strong enough to move forward, learn, and grow into a healthier person. 

[letgo-realityofsa]

Emotional Blockage

I spent the past week on the island of Ibiza. I had many expectations and visualizations of how my time would go. I would be lying on the sun soaked beach enjoying the warmth on my body, I’d meditate in the soft sand, then swim until my heart was content. Those visualizations didn’t come true. I saw the sun for less than 24 hours and enjoyed sweater weather. Now, I’m not complaining about my time because I enjoyed the island, culture, and food. The issue though was every time I attempted to connect with my mind, body, and soul I was distracted, mad, and confused. I was looking forward to hitting the reset button, but I found and explored my emotional blockage. 

I take on too many things at one time, hold high expectations for myself, and love goals. I realized instead of exploring my emotions, expressing them, and moving on that I’m going numb. Instead of dealing with myself, I’d rather shut off all emotions and just push through. This has been a theme for 2016. I don’t know how I’ve made it through each day. I’ve been through hip surgery, recovery, loss of my grandfather, school, some travel, and preparing for my career change. In the next 5 months I’ll be going through another hip surgery, recovery, finishing my college degree, and moving back to the USA. 

Surgery is a bitch. I hate it. I hope to never have another surgery during my life after my hips. I believe I suffer more on the mental and emotional level. I can deal with physical pain and push through. I don’t like having to feel dependent upon others like I’m helpless. You have to be committed 100% to recover properly and within a good period of time. I’ve been able to keep a positive enough outlook to push through. I’m 4 months post op and I can already jog short distances. I have my range of motion back and can practice yoga. While in Ibiza I climbed some rocks to get a good view of the sunrise and the entire time I said, “Wow, I never imagined myself doing this so soon”. It was a great feeling. 

I feel the pressure of my life choices, but I know they are best in the long run. I try to remember that taking risks will ultimately lead me to a happier place in life. I can’t just stick to an easy path because I would emotionally die. I’ve lost everything before in my life and I’m not afraid of having nothing. I’ll never be without because what  I hold dear are people, memories, and my experiences. My path is hard, stressful, and I constantly doubt myself. I try to remember the stories of other people’s struggles and how their goals weren’t accomplished overnight. 

So how do I get pass this emotional turmoil? I hope the answer is easy. I think it comes down to being open and honest with myself. Allowing myself alone time to write, decompress, and think. I wish I had more time to write in my journal, blog, and twitter, but my life can’t be balanced right now. It’s impossible because I have too much on my plate of life. Communicating with myself and others will hopefully save me. It’s vital. 

“Life always waits for some crisis to occur before revealing itself at its most brilliant” -Paulo Coelho

[letgo-realityofsa]

You don’t know Me...

You believe and say that you love me, but you don’t know me. We’ve spent many days together speaking openly and honestly. Your head has become inflated as you think you can pick up on my moods, likes, and needs. I hate to break it to you, but you don’t know me like you think you do. I can tell every time we are together. You choose the wrong wine, food, or venue. You think it is perfect and wonder, so what more could a woman could want or need. I’ve kept parts of myself hidden from you because you can’t handle it. You love the idea of loving me, but aren’t capable of what that really means. You say, “well give me a chance”, but I can’t do that. I can’t give a chance on a love that isn’t possible. I know this to be true. I’ve kept parts of who I really am because you didn’t deserve these parts of me. You can’t stay mentally stable, so how can I trust you to keep watch over pieces of my heart. Instead of looking inside for peace and happiness, you look outside. That never works and look you’re still unhappy. The most important lesson is knowing you alone control your thoughts and emotions. You blame. You want to blame the world around you and the people who ruin your day. That’s not the way to be. You hold the keys to your peace and acceptance. You’re behind on your journey or right where you need to be. The issue is that you aren’t moving. You are stuck in the mud and I don’t know if you’ll ever get out. I refuse to be stuck. I may not choose the best men, but I know when to say enough is enough. At the end of the day I’m confident and know me. I rely on myself alone. I’m independent and never want to rely on a man for my livelihood. You wish you could provide everything for me that I don’t want. Still you refuse to listen. You want to give me what I don’t need. I can’t pretend to accept that.

[letgo-realityofsa]

Time getting in the way...

I try to stay focused on my passions or ultimate goals and not allow small things to interfere. I think we are all guilty of becoming “too busy” or allowing things that don’t really matter big picture wise to interfere. 

I went back to work in March after having 6-7 weeks off while recovering from hip surgery. My life has been fast paced since then and I haven’t been writing as much as I’d like. I’ve been “too busy.” I hate using this excuse and I haven’t felt the same without my writing. It’s a huge part of my life, so I’m re-dedicating myself to my goals and passion.

I’m dedicated to writing and staying on track. Don’t stop believing in your dreams. They are for you and will guide you to happiness. 

[letgo-realityofsa]

Grief

We all grieve at some point in our lives. Whether it is over a loved one, career failures, or our pets. No one person handles the feeling of loss the same way. You can google thousands of ways to “over come” the feelings or learn how to keep your sanity while feeling shitty. At the end of the day it is personal and we are stuck in our minds. 

I just lost a family member and this is the first death I’ve experienced in my life. I haven’t seen this person in two years since I live outside of my native country. I don’t get to attend the funeral since there isn’t one. I can’t support my family or feel their warm embrace. I’m stuck with typed words or people telling me how everyone else feels. I’m not an idiot. I know my family is hurting, but there is nothing I can do. 

Frustration and stress clouds my mind. I’m in the process of life altering changes so I can have more flexibility in my life. Then life happens and you have to accept it. For the first time I don’t have a plan. I don’t know what to do. Grief has put my head in the clouds. I tried forgetting about the feelings during the week, but once I’m alone they creep back in. I can’t ignore nor do I want to. 

How do you accept a loss when you can’t have closure? 

[kushandwizdom]

consistency is attractive.

Warsan Shire (via kushandwizdom)

  (via kushandwizdom)

[letgo-realityofsa]

Used & Abused

Today I won’t let the past define me. I’m not the helpless child that I used to be. I won’t tolerate use or abuse any longer. I’m free, independent and go as I please. This world is vast for me to explore. I won’t succumb to the victim mentality because that would be too easy. I strive for a life of fulfillment and challenge. The largest challenge of all is to be free, present and open. My hope hasn’t failed me yet nor will I allow it to. When I open myself to others I find everything I wanted as a child, but didn’t have within reach. So today I reach for a happy me that will support and help others. Just as others have helped me. 

[letgo-realityofsa]

Geneva Summit for Human Rights and Democracy by GlobalVision Communication

Watch GlobalVision Communication's Geneva Summit for Human Rights and Democracy on Livestream.com.

It isn’t too late to watch the Geneva Summit for Human Rights and Democracy. It’s been a great morning and the afternoon is filled with more great speakers to hear from!

[dailyinspirationquotes]

Follow ME, UPDATED DAILY!

[letgo-realityofsa]

I wholeheartedly agree with ALL of these.

[letgo-realityofsa]

Attn: Flawed Individual Wanted

“Flawed individual seeks same”

My friend said this to me today and it really got me thinking. It has the potential to be a great headline for a dating profile. In the simplest terms aren’t we all looking for a connection with someone who can understand or empathize with us? I know I am. 

I’m hyper aware that I’m flawed. I mean all you have to do is read my about section to get a glimpse of how fucked up I have the potential to be. I’m a 25 year old woman who will soon be unemployed...by choice. I’ve never been close to getting married or had that long term of a relationship. None of those things have happened because like I’ve posted before I won’t settle. I’m not chasing a man down because that seems absolutely pointless. 

I want a flawed individual who knows pain, suffering, happiness, sadness, etc. I don’t want a relationship or connection to seem like a business transaction. That doesn’t sound like the life I want to lead. I want to be present, spontaneous and feel any emotion that comes at that time. 

I’ve learned that this type of connection takes time to form. It may come in the next year or 10 years. Maybe this person is already in my life. As I travel through my life each direction teaches me about who I am. I feel lucky to have the opportunity to invest time in myself. Sometimes it sucks and other times it feels amazing. I wonder do most people take the time to live with themselves and find out what they like? Do people zombie around pretending they’ve figured life out?

I read shit like if you love yourself then that allows love to flow in your life via a relationship. I call bullshit! I love me. I have been to the bottom of my barrel more times then I’d like to admit considering my age. I’ve never felt more alive. I’m at the most authentic state I’ve experienced in life thus far. I’d love to know if I’m missing an important lesson. I guess that’s why patience is a virtue. I’m still out of tune with that one. 

If you find someone who is willing to accept a flawed person with an anxious over active mind you know where to find me. 

[letgo-realityofsa]

I reached my first milestone! 150 followers on Twitter. I always hear you have to start somewhere. This was a goal I set for myself a few weeks ago. I believe hard work and persistence will only take me where I want to be. Today I’m feeling especially grateful!

[letgo-realityofsa]

I can't be anyone, but myself!