So I got dumped yesterday for saying I believe that transfemmes do experience male privilege pre-transition. My ex did not give me a chance to expand on that belief *at all*, just got triggered and decided I'm unsafe.
I'm going to expand those views here because I genuinely think I'm approaching the topic pretty reasonably and at this point I need to get the processing I've been doing written down.
First off, let me say that my opinion here comes EXCLUSIVELY from transfemmes I've talked to over the years as well as my own experiences with transmasc erasure. (My ex claimed that ALL of the transfemmes I know who've said that only think it because of "internalized transmisogyny" while simultaneously refusing to engage with any of my experiences with erasure that are *specifically* things that happen bc of the learned behaviors inspired by the external factors of male privilege and socialization.)
The actual line that I have on this is that male privilege is an *external* force, not an internal one. It is entirely based in how you're perceived and how *others* interact with you based on that perception. It is based in the *societal and systematic* benefits someone receives based on the fuckin gender marker on your ID.
I absolutely do not think that that means transfemmes *interact* with male privilege in the same way as any c*s person, especially pre-transition. I do not think the *effects* of that privilege are the same and in almost every case it's going to be extremely complex and nuanced based on the individual. I *do* believe that, because that external force is applied *constantly* from a very young age, some aspects of that force can and often do come through even after transitioning.
Part of this being so upsetting for me is that it sounds like a rehashing of the "gendered socialization doesn't exist" argument that was going around here in like 2016 and is apparently resurfacing again. As far as I remember, when that argument stopped because the people who were pushing the conversation were outed as t*rfs who'd been posing as queer teens. The intent was to confuse the community and divide the younger and older trans folx.
The argument that gendered socialization doesn't exist (which, as far as I can tell, is the same argument as "transfemmes never experience male privilege) is laughably dichotomous at best and harmful at worst.
On the dichotomous end, we have someone who talks *frequently* about missing out on "being raised as a girl". If that person also does not believe in gendered socialization, they have the belief that they were also "not raised as a boy". Unless you come from a family or culture that has a third option or treats their kids the *exact* same (unlikely), you were fuckin raised in a way that was distinctly *gendered*.
That can transition to the harmful end *very* easily simply by not processing, analyzing, and questioning your learned behaviors. My ex spent the whole conversation calling me misogynistic and denying/devaluing my friends' experiences. She also very specifically made all of her points while simultaneously telling me I wasn't allowed to respond. At the point that I said, "Hey, I can't keep getting messages tangentially related to this when I'm not allowed to respond so I'm going to respond to a couple things, please keep your boundaries in any way that makes you feel safe", she immediately reengaged herself into the conversation fully, sent 3 messages - one of which was the dismissal of my friends' experiences, and blocked me.
I want to make it very clear that I put my responses under a break, specifically so she wouldn't have to read them immediately. I cannot be the one to enforce *her* boundary that *she* was repeatedly breaking. At the point that someone tells me they want a break from a conversation, I say okay and don't fucking respond until they do. I got two additional texts from her, both of which emphasized her points while continuing to disallow me from rejoining the conversation.
If that ain't the EXACT shit I've dealt with for my entire fucking life 🙄
I have more examples, as well.
Transfemmes are far more likely to be outspoken on social media than transmascs and nonbinary folx. The transmascs and nonbinary folx that *are* outspoken on social media (enough to gain a following) generally have a whole ass story as to how that *happened*. Most had to train it into themselves.
I've had 2 posts about transmasc erasure sitting in the mental drafts pile for like *6 months* now bc I don't know how to make myself heard and I can't handle having them sit there and do nothing.
I know far less successful transmasc artists/creators than I do transfemme ones because we were never taught how to market our work. Hell, there's SO much less porn for transmascs!! And half of it is based in *invalidating our gender* because we get erased and invalidated so fucking regularly that people have to process that shit out.
Half the requests I see online for audio stuff for transmascs literally have 3 comments all saying "It's just not popular enough" or "maybe make a request". There's TONS of the requests, too! They're not as frequent but they're still numerous and pretty much every single one I've seen OP is *incredibly* nervous and apologetic for even speaking in the space or *looking* for something that focuses on them. One of the things that someone made in response to that? Uses the term "Butch" all through it. I literally can't listen to it bc it feels so gross and invalidating.
I wonder why transfemmes feel so much more confident asking for and making content?
Why trans issues that affect the *whole* community only get talked about from a transfemme perspective while the rest of us sit on the sidelines thinking, "Hey, that's an experience I've had, too. People like me should also be a part of this conversation."?
And to be INCREDIBLY clear, none of this is to say that people can't analyze their socialization and move past it. They can and do, all the time! This is to say that claiming the socialization/privilege doesn't exist *at all* leads to less analysis of our behaviors - which is harmful to everyone involved.
I wholeheartedly believe we will backslide *hard* in how we treat each other if we ignore the things we were taught as children instead of subverting/discarding them intentionally. While none of the backsliding will be intentional, it will absolutely cause massive harm.
OH last quick addition, the breakup started bc she'd asked me to let her know if she ever posted anything that erases transmascs or makes me feel unsafe and I told her a post literally raising transfemmes to more importance than anything or anyone else "in the entire universe" did. I hadn't even said anything when I first saw it bc I was so uncomfy and just didn't know how to approach it. I said something the *next* day, after seeing another post from her. It was a misspelled hairdresser's sign "women, man, kids" that she'd captioned something along the lines of "Ah yes, the only acceptable straight appearing relationship model. Women - multiple, man who cooks and does all the dishes (he's Trans), and kids."
Sooooo the trans dude is doing all the housework? You don't fucking see how that might lean into some cishet norms you a, say you "have never experienced" and b, claim to be vehemently against???
I showed my nesting partner the posts and she was just as fuckin uncomfy as me! Tbh she put words on half the points I made here well before I could move past the panic response and actually process my thoughts and feelings.
I keep thinking about this, so I guess I'm writing out a whole thing about it.
Patterns of thought where trans women are excused of the behaviors and privileges of icky men are gender essentialist. Any argument where being a woman is enough may be comforting, but it is equivalent to saying that there are things which are solely in the domain of men, and therefore there are things which are solely in the domain of women. It is equivalent to saying there's a prerequisite to womanhood. It also leans a bit into men being The Problem, when that's not the case! A matriarchy is just as bad as a patriarchy, the problem is inherent to the hierarchy of types of people! You don't get a free pass, no matter how many intersectionality points you have on your bingo card.
the notion that all of us were our gender as we popped out the womb is also a bit icky, like you can be a girl who grows up to be a trans man. You can be a boy who grows up to be agender. We all agree genderfluid people are real so maybe we can agree that gender can change? If I ever come up with a gender that better fits me, I would much rather think of this as a time where I was mostly a girl than me being fully incorrect.
A bit more on topic, it really bothers me that she wasn't allowing you to speak. There's a huge gulf between not speaking over others with more direct experience and not speaking. You have experience with this in reverse, and even if you didn't, understanding isn't going to be reached if the other person can't ask questions!
Thank you so much for your additions! I resonate really hard with everything you've said, it's beautifully written and brings up a lot of points I've been struggling to phrase.
She'd previously been *amazing* with nuanced issues and I generally trusted her judgement so it came outta *nowhere*. I certainly didn't expect her to categorically deny the experiences of most of my transfemme friends and partners.
I'm still on my bullshit!
Found this essay from 2021 today, I definitely have some critiques of it but they're the kind that encourage analysis and discussion so overall I think that's a good thing, tbh. I think it illustrates some of the issues I've been thinking about and trying to articulate really well.
Anonymous Kill the Couple in Your Head May 2021 Published by Ungrateful Hyenas Editions. What follows are the notes of a talk given in Berli
I am, overall, a gender abolitionist. I am also a trans guy and nonbinary. I deeply believe that we cannot even *begin* to break down the structures that encompass gender and sexuality if we cannot look critically at the way we are enforcing those structures in our own lives, as well as how those structures are enforced upon us.
It is an *exhausting* and often painful process to start. It requires completely reworking the ways we think on a day to day basis. And it *has* to be a daily practice. (Though that part can and should be worked up to, especially for us neurospicy folx who may need extra support in changing thought patterns.)
This includes analyzing how we are treated and treat others *both* in an intimate and structural sense. The way we talk about other people in our communities *matters*, especially when it devalues experiences and suffering. Especially when it enforces structural domination, new or old.
Our structures are *changing* as we expand identifiers. They are not being challenged, they are having *added growth*. And we're doing the work for them! We're falling neatly back into a tiered system! Sure, there are additional tiers now, but what does that actually *change* other than how many boxes are in the overall stucture?
So yeah, fuck devaluing the experiences of other people in our communities. Fuck doing the suffering olympics bullshit. Even "as a joke". Fucking stop it.
And extra fuck being *actively unwilling* to critically analyze the structural and societal impacts that influence the ways we talk about and treat other people.
