Anon wrote: How are you? I really hope everything is fine. I am most likely an INFJ and I have a very serious problem I need your help with, if you will, of course. You see, in social media you see a lot of information, and sometimes this information is defied by another one. For example, you see people talking about learning to be with yourself and being totally fine being alone, not needing others for your own well being, etc. And info defying this say that, actually, human beings are social beings, and they are not made to be happy by their own and of course you will be sad if you are alone and need others.
You see a lot of people talking about how YOU are responsible for how you feel and other's actions have nothing to do with you, etc. And the fact that most of the time when you get annoyed or angry is because you are projecting yourself. BUT you also see the info that, of course you will feel bad because society is sick and you cannot be ok in such a place. Also that others must have emotional responsibility and they are accountable for their actions and how they affect you (contradicting the fact that you are probably just projecting onto others and nothing done by others is personal). But also other people that say that you cannot make yourself a victim, and you must accept society as it is and just adapt, because things won't change and you cannot blame your problems on society. So at this point I hope my confusion is clear haha, because I know I have critical thinking, even though it's difficult to think sometimes because both facts make sense.
It makes sense that you should be responsible for your projections but at the same time I feel people should be accountable for their actions. And I don't find in between the facts, and I wonder, what is the truth? as in which point do you stop projecting and it is about other's actions? In which point it is not about what you perceive? I would say, look for evidence.
However, evidence and perception of reality gets distorted when you have a personality disorder. So, how can I trust my judgment, my perception of reality? if how I perceive the facts may change later. Sometimes I think some kind of way and sometimes I think the other opposite way of that, and I get confused with my own thoughts. What do I have to take into consideration to know which of my thoughts are true, if it is so difficult to have concrete perception due to constant black and white/dichotomy thinking?
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The topics you raise are clearly related to your function development problems, yet you leave this personal aspect of the discussion out. Critical thinking is about being able to parse information, understand its meaning, and evaluate its truth. You get confused because you take words at face value and play around with ideas without going deeper into their source meaning. To approach these topics in such a weirdly abstract way belies a resistance to real self-reflection. And therein lies the problem.
Do you know why there isn't a one-size-fits-all cure for psychological problems? Every individual is unique in their experience of a problem. There isn't one universally right way to live life, but you seem to operate under the assumption that there is and seek to find it, which leads you to think in meaningless dichotomies and generalizations. When it comes to "perception" about how one should live life, people speak from their own experience. Their experiences may or may not speak for you. Only you know the truth of your experience, so, at the end of the day, what other people say is only relevant to you if it is actually true for you too.
For example, some people are too dependent on others, so they must emphasize the concept of independence in order to correct their personality problem. Thus, it makes perfect sense for them to say something like "it's okay to be alone and do things for yourself". However, is their situation applicable to you? Do you also suffer from dependence problems? If your problem is actually the opposite, e.g. you can't get close to people because you are too socially anxious or emotionally detached, then "working on independence" would actually be detrimental to you, since it's not what you need to correct the problems of your personality.
The truth is always there. It is a matter of whether you are able to acknowledge it. Projection is a defense mechanism. A defense mechanism is basically a form of unconscious self-deception - you are covering up the truth of your problems because it is too hard to face them. If you don't want to cover up the truth, then you have to learn to be completely honest with yourself about what your problems really are. You list all these things you "see" and "hear" from other people. You think the problem is that you don't know how to determine the truth of what people say. Actually, the real problem is that you don't have enough self-awareness to determine what is true for you.
For example, with regard to the idea of personal responsibility, are you able to be honest about what your problem really is? Is the problem that you: 1) don't take on enough responsibility, 2) you take on too much responsibility, 3) you are too often oblivious of your responsibilities, or 4) you just don't care about responsibility?
Each of these problems requires a different solution: 1) you need to take more initiative, 2) you need to ease up on yourself, 3) you have to pay more attention to your responsibilities, or 4) you need to get to the bottom of why you are so indifferent.
The state of society does not preclude the need for personal responsibility, does it? You would only treat these two things as dichotomous or mutually exclusive if you are specifically looking for an excuse to abandon personal responsibility (as in the case of Ti loop). Whether society is healthy or sick, you are still responsible for choosing the right way to live your life. Whether people are kind or mean isn't under your control, but you are still responsible for how you choose to respond to them. How do you explain the many people who still manage to be good and thrive in the face of environmental adversity? Do you just disregard counter-evidence when it doesn't suit your dichotomy? Dichotomous thinking is a defense mechanism; it keeps life simple for those who can't handle the pain of complexity.
When you just don't want to change your problematic ways (i.e. stuck in tertiary loop), you won't want to explore your problems for real, let alone hear solutions for them, so you hide behind a defense mechanism and deny that the problem exists. You will only want to hear the things that help you continue avoiding the problem. For example, a person who is deeply afraid of intimacy loves to hear advice that preaches the virtues of being alone. Until they have the courage to confront their fear of intimacy honestly, they won't be able to see that the advice of "being alone" is not meant for them, but only meant for those who fear being alone.
As explained in the Type Dev Guide, an important part of personal growth is becoming aware of your defense mechanisms so that you have access to the truth of yourself, such that you make better informed decisions for your own well-being. The truth about the topics you've raised will be inaccessible to you until you are clear about how exactly they relate back to YOU. You keep looking outward and pointing fingers at what others do. Why? Is it because it saves you from properly looking inward?
