LifeOfBrittnie

welcome to my emotional rollercoaster 

[lifeofbrittnie]

All good things come to an end

[lifeofbrittnie]

10.05.23

She apologized

She took advantage of the small sliver of time we had alone

She teared up, cheeks rosy

She has been dealing with something heavy

Something she knew she should have addressed years ago

She wasn't sure how to bring it up

She wasn't sure how to approach it

She acknowledged the hardest thing I have had to overcome

She acknowledged the one thing that I always wondered if she even noticed she inflicted on me

She waited twelve years

She waited twelve years too long

I've come to terms with it

I've "overcome" the hurt

I've cried all the tears I have for it

I have nothing left

I think a small part of her wanted me to say it was okay

I think she wishfully thought that what she did didn't harm me as much as she had assumed

I think she thought I would blow it off and she be set free

But, I showed no emotion

I hope my silence showed her that what she did was in fact fucked up

I hope she could see that I had worked through it, on my own

I had twelve years to compress the anger

I had twelve years to regain my trust, only this time, into others that surrounded me

I closed that door and l locked it tight

I hope she got the answers she needed

I hope she got the closure she needed

She gets her closure while also digging up my oldest skeleton

[resqectable]

“My biggest regrets in life are being too damn nice, apologizing when I didn’t do anything wrong, and making unworthy people a priority.”

— Unknown

[lifeofbrittnie]

There's an elephant on my chest today

[lifeofbrittnie]

I distance myself for a reason

[lifeofbrittnie]

i kno im not the best version of myself for my family right now, and im not sure where to start

[lifeofbrittnie]

09.04.2022

Learn to say "No"

I know it is my own fault when I get overwhelmed to the point of tears. My biggest weakness is never putting myself first. I give, give, give, and never get anything in return. Because they expect it. But it is my fault because I have let them, time after time. Put YOU first 💜

[lifeofbrittnie]

"Yeah, and she's not a very good MOM, Haha im just kidding " 

You know when someone says something in your direction that is hurtful but then they apologize immediately after to make it seem like a joke? But yet you ponder on those words for days after. Wondering why or how that thought came to their mind about you, to then say it out loud. Do they really think that about you? Has that really crossed their mind? 

What did I do to make her think that? Am I really a bad Mom? I just stood there, blood rushed from my face, speechless

12.03.2021

[lifeofbrittnie]

My brother

My sister

My daughter

My husband

My job

They need me, they need me, they need me, they need me, they need me...

[lifeofbrittnie]

Oldest Child

For your siblings…

You are their keeper

You are the second Mom

You are their army

You keep the peace

You are who they rely on

You are what holds things together

You are who shows up when no one else does

You, the oldest child is who keeps the family from breaking any further

Your feelings are put to the side to help those who need you to be strong

You hold the pieces together

You never get the credit you deserve, but one day your siblings will see your worth

11.29.2021

[lifeofbrittnie]

Children of narcissists

I was scrolling through social media and I stopped to watch a video where a girl was using goldfish to explain how she sees narcissists. Seems silly, I know, but I totally got what she was saying. Every example she used I could relate to and I realized this is the kind of relationship I have with a parent. I never really came across that word and truly understood what it meant until now. I've since been reading about the effects of having a narcissistic parent. It is very eye opening. I rewrote a few of the main points that really stood out to me as a reminder and validation as to why I may feel the way I do sometimes. I do not put all the blame on the other but it is nice to know that I am not alone in my feelings. I sometimes thought that everything was always my fault and that is not always the case. I hope the following points may help someone understand themselves better. 

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Lack of empathy and volatility at home may increase a child's own empathy and desire to be respectful. Intense emotional control and disrespect for boundaries at home may increase a child's value for emotional expression and their desire to extend respect to others. Although a child observes the parent's behavior, they are often on the receiving end of the same behavior. 

Some common issues in narcissistic parenting result from a lack of responsible nurturing. This may lead to a child feeling insecure in loving relationships, distrusting others, experiencing identity conflict, and suffering an inability to develop a distinct existence from that of the parent.

Sensitive, guilt-ridden children may learn to meet the parent's needs for gratification and seek love by accommodating the wishes of the parent. The child's normal feelings are ignored, denied and repressed in attempts to gain the parent's "love". . Aggressive impulses and rage may become split off and not integrated with normal development. Some children develop a false self as a defense mechanism and become more codependent in relationships.

To avoid anger and punishment, children of abusive parents often resort to complying with their parent's every demand. No matter the circumstances. This affects both the child's well-being and their ability to make logical decisions on their own, and as adults they often lack self-confidence. Loneliness and struggle with self expression are also commonly seen in children raised by a narcissistic parent. 

Children of narcissistic parents are taught to submit and conform, causing them to lose touch of themselves as individuals. This can lead to the child possessing very few memories of feeling appreciated or loved by their parents for being themselves, as they instead associate the love and appreciation with conformity. Children may benefit with distance from the narcissistic parent. Some children of narcissistic parents resort to leaving home during adolescence if they grow to view the relationship with their parents as toxic.

[lifeofbrittnie]

10.29.2021

Where are the mommas at?

I have some serious mom talk that I need to get off my chest. May be a little deep…but here it is.

I sometimes catch myself feeling selfish that I have brought a sweet child in to this scary world. Like we all grew up through the bullying, the heart break, the mean girls, the jealousy, the anxiety, the over analyzing, the liars.

We grow up to be young adults that fall into the rhythm of how things are supposed to go: Fall in love, get married, have kids, live happily ever after. That is how me and my husband always dreamed it would go and that’s how it happened. And you simply forget all the heart break and anxiety that came with being a kid/teen and yet we brought a sweet little one into the world to have to suffer through these things. Because no matter how hard you try its not going to be easy. No matter how nice you are to others, they see it as a weakness, or if you put a wall up, people will do everything they can to tear it down and hurt you.

I know I am looking at the dark side of this, but it is so hard not to. I wouldn’t wish my heart ache on my worst enemy. Yet I bring a child in to the word that I know will have so many hard days and I know I can’t always be there to make things better. But I promise I will do my darndest to try. I have made a promise to myself that I am not going to let her ever think for a second that she is alone in this world. Teach her that things do get easier. Teach her that it doesn’t matter what others think as long as she is happy. I may not always get it right but I will never give up. I will learn from my mistakes and make her a strong independent little girl that can stand up for herself and others! Teach her no one should get left behind. An to love everyone for who they are. It’s a scary world we live in. But if we would help each other out along the way it could be so much easier.

Sorry I got a little off topic, but you get the jist of it.

Treat others the way you want to be treated 🤍

[lifeofbrittnie]

Anxiety

10.22.2021

·       Get help early. Anxiety, like many other mental health conditions, can be harder to treat if you wait. (it’s hard to admit/voice that you need help. I don’t like showing my weaknesses. People see me as someone who always has a smile on my face. But don’t shy away from it, talk to someone you trust and get the help you need.)

·        Stay active. Participate in activities that you enjoy and that make you feel good about yourself. Enjoy social interaction and caring relationships, which can lessen your worries. (When I have a what I call a “high anxiety” day, the only thing I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep. Although I still fight it at times, instead of laying down I find myself a task to do ad see it through. Im not going to tell you that it takes the anxiety away, but it does help. Laying down and pondering on your worries only makes it worse. Pick yourself up, you got this)

·        Avoid alcohol or drug use. Alcohol and drug use can cause or worsen anxiety. If you're addicted to any of these substances, quitting can make you anxious. If you can't quit on your own, see your doctor or find a support group to help you. (21+ Please 😊   I’m not a big drinker due to my past with depression I know it will send me into a downward spiral. But sometimes that social anxiety then kicks in when all your friends are giving you a hard time for not drinking or “having fun” Not wanting to go into deep conversation as to why I shouldn’t be drinking, I grad a drink. Being the light weight that I am it doesn’t take long for the downward spiral to begin. Long story short, don’t fall into the pressure of others or your surroundings knowing you will take the blunt of the outcome. It’s not worth it, you don’t owe anyone an explanation and your mental health comes first) 

[lifeofbrittnie]

09.20.2021

Learning to put myself first 💕

[lifeofbrittnie]

08.24.2021

◼▪️◼▪️◼

I was having diner with a friend and we got on the topic of self doudt and how we handle it. He told me in high school a sweet teacher of his noticed he was having rough day and wrote a quote on a piece of paper and handed it to him in class one day. It hit somewhere deep for him an has used it as a reminder. He has since framed it an displays it in his home to share with others.

I thought i would share as well

[lifeofbrittnie]

08.19.2021

( an old painting from middle school days, i was just startimg out on watercolors so dont hate )

ART was my exscape. Shut the door, blared my headphones an tune out the rest of the world. Hours could pass and i wouldnt even notice. My dad would poke his head in every once in a while to check on me but other then that i was in my own world, no one can hurt me here. My own free therapy

Oh what i would do to have those days back.. when the only worry i had was wat i was going to paint next. If only i knew it was actually EASIER back then. I always tell myself im going to start painting again.. but then LIFE happens an it gets pushed to "maybe later"

I guess what im getting at is "go paint" do wat makes you happy, what puts you in your safe place even if its just for a moment. Make time for it..

[lifeofbrittnie]

08.01.2021

Treat others the way you want to be treated