Life Unforeseen

Life never turns out how we plan.

[lifeunforeseen-blog]

7.31.19 🐾

You were the best boy anyone could ever ask for.

I’m sorry I didn’t give you the attention you deserved.

I’m sorry that I didn’t appreciate how much you loved me.

I’m sorry that I took for granted all the things about you.

I’m sorry that I got annoyed with your barking.

I’m sorry I got annoyed that you followed me around all the time.

I’m sorry I yelled at you when you would bark at meal time.

I’m sorry I shoved you outside when you got on my nerves.

I’m sorry that I was so undeserving of your unconditional love.

My bed feels so empty without you and meal time is too quiet. What I wouldn’t give to hear your bark again. I feel so lonely without you following me around. None of the other dogs have a bond with me like you did. You have been there for me through some horrible times and the best times. You never cared how much I yelled or got on to you, you still loved me. I never knew how much I would miss all the little things about you until you were gone. You were my stay in bed all day lazy dog. You were my happiness when I was sad. You were my best friend. You have taught me so much in the 5 short years that I had you and I’m so thankful. I wish that I would have made your last days more special, instead I was too focused on work and trying to unwind after a stressful day to really give you the love and attention you deserved. If I would have only slowed down and interacted with you, I probably would have been less stressed when I got home. Instead I allowed myself to get frustrated and annoyed. Don’t get me wrong, I loved you so much but I took our time together for granted. I thought you’d be around for 7 more years. I love you Duke and I miss you so much that I’m in physical pain. I don’t know how to go on day to day without you. I laid down in my bed and then got in the floor on knees because it felt wrong. I didn’t even realize what I was doing until I was down there and leaning on my bed. It’s like I’ve been having an out of body expirerence. I sat in the shower with the hot water running and I was breathing slowly and then I just blacked out. My chest hurts so bad. I wish you were here to comfort me like you always did. You were my salad loving weirdo and I love you. I pray that it’s true, all dogs go to heaven because I can’t wait to see you again. I pray that heaven is filled with peanut buttter, salad, lakes and tennis balls ❤️🐾

[lifeunforeseen-blog]

I think I’m falling for the last time....

“All the thoughts in my head always spinning around. They’re telling me to let go...” Ever listen to a song and think “holy shit that’s how I feel” and then you play it over and over and over again. I’m there.....right now. I’ve been playing this song on repeat and each time the lyrics just hit me deeper and harder. “It’s just me and the dark of the night....we’re doing fine”.

It’s been a rough week. It’s been up and down, I feel good then I’m in the pits. Its work. I know it’s work, because as soon as Sunday hits I’m in my darkest place. I can’t quit. I’d be stupid to quit. I’m a manager making more than I would anywhere else. I’m trying to work on a nursing degree while paying off debt. Can’t do that if I quit my job. Plus, I want to finally be that badass that does something impressive and everyone’s so proud and asking for advice. I want to work full time, pay off debt, and graduate nursing school at the same time. But at what cost..... I want to do this. I want to feel like I CAN do this. The devil just won’t stay out of my head, telling me I’m not smart enough, what if I fail, it’s too much. Everyone expects me to be great and smart and perfect.....what if I’m not.... “I never thought that I’d feel so empty I’d look away but I’d just feel dizzy”

[lifeunforeseen-blog]

Wow.....

It’s been so long since I’ve posted. Not that it matters since no one follows me. I find that when I’m getting close to the end I come to tumblr. Like this is my safety net and I depend on it to catch me when I jump. I was doing really good for a while, but I’ve been rolling down the hill for a while and I can’t seem to stop myself. I’m so overwhelmed at work...I feel so burned out and done. I’m good at my job, but I feel there is just too much to do, and things just keep piling up. I feel like I’m drowning. At first I felt like I had the best job, with great pay, and great schedule. Now my schedule is changing, my new position has added a million things to my plate and I’m just done. Last time this happened I left my job without much plan.....come to think of it I did it everytime I left a job. Things are different now though, I have too much debt and plans to get myself out of it. I’m TRYING to go back to school for nursing and just trying to get ahead. Can’t do that without a job. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I need a lifeline... I need motivation.... I need help.

[lifeunforeseen-blog]

Humbled

Today I was sitting at lunch with one of the older security guards watching a construction crew build a waterfall at work. He's a very sweet funny man and I love when we get the chance to talk. He's about 70 years old, and due to the fact he hardly gets any money from SS he can't retire. I say this because right before he told me that, he was talking about an old job he use to have. He would lay bricks, building fire places, etc. He said it was the best job he ever had. He loved it so much and mentioned that he wish he was still doing it. I'll tell you, right then my heart broke. This man who has literally worked since he was 12 years old didn't get to retire from the work he loved. Instead, due to the recession he had to find a new job and was never able to get back into. Now at 70 years old he is still made to work because the system he poured so much money into, won't pay him what he's earned. In that moment I was at a loss of words. My heart was breaking for him and I was angry. This man will literally have to work until he dies in order to provide for his family. That is such a horrible thing. And I could rant on and on about the people receiving money from the government because they are lazy, entitled, you know what! But instead I will say this: My eyes have been opened so much by that one small conversation. And I am so thankful that I decided to listen instead of play on my phone like I usually would. So today, while watching the new waterfall at work being built, I had one of the most memorable conversations of my life.

[lifeunforeseen-blog]

Work

Sometimes it’s hard to find a job you are amazing at. For me, it’s near impossible. I’m horrible at selling stuff. I don’t wanna harass anyone into buying something. So when I took a job in customer service, I never realized just how important harassing is(well for me anyways. Working in customer service includes a gift shop). I love my job, don’t get me wrong. But it’d be a lot easier if we didn’t have to focus on our sale numbers. Then again, it wouldn’t be work if it was easy! So my head is telling me “hey you suck you need to find a new job” but I know that’s not how it works. One, running away from your problems never solves them and Two, every job is gonna have something that isn’t how you’d like. So I’m gonna try my hardest to become someone who can sell merch. I’m gonna read up on some tips and hopefully it’ll become easier. Because let’s be honest, if putting in the effort and time it takes to learn how to make my job easier works, why wouldn’t I do it? I mean if it fails and doesn’t work out at least I can say I tried and I didn’t run away. Over coming the obstacles in your life, if it’s at work or personal life, will help make you stronger. Sometimes it takes a while but it’s worth it in the end.

[lifeunforeseen-blog]

Unexpected

My life now is not what I would have ever expected. Nor was it something I planned. As it stands now, I am just normal. Probably a little less than that but we won't get carried away. I'm not the outgoing make friends with everyone type, although I am nice to everyone. Im also not the type to write a blog but here I am. So I'll either make a complete fool of myself and no one will read this or maybe someone will enjoy it. So let's see where was I.... Oh yes! I'm not in college pursuing some awesome degree in a field which I'm in love with. I actually have no idea what I'm in love with. I don't have my own house, I don't have a career(nor am I working towards one), I don't go on awesome bucket list adventures, and I don't have any plans. So basically I'm just here working. Which I do love my job but, it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life. It wasn't always like this for me though. When I was in high school I had HUGE plans and goals. I wanted to go to college, study psychology, become a doctor, and who knows what else. However, school just wasn't for me. It just didn't feel right and soon after I started, I quit. I didn't have any plans but I knew I wasn't gonna be happy doing what I was doing. Fast forward 3 years later and I'm still in that same position. Being uncertain of what your talent is sucks. However, I know I'm not the only one. I still have things I want to do, like travel and see the world, but as for a career HA I don't even think I'm close to knowing. I do however always go back to the quote, "work to live don't live to work". Most people see education, career, and money as the best thing a person can obtain. While I do agree that education is extremely important, I do not think that someone who goes to college is more "accomplished" than someone who is a house wife. BUT that's another rant for another day. So while I may not know what I'm gonna do or where my life is headed, I do know that my main goal is to live life and not let it become consumed with work. If you're anything like me just remember: WORK TO LIVE DON'T LIVE TO WORK!