sys journal blog

quoigenic - they/star/void - adult

[lilacdragonflyhousehold]

username is not system name but you're welcome to refer to us as such

🌫 - they/star/void, blurry, not a headmate

🐀 - she/her, host & protector

☢️ - he/it/pup/rot, cohost & socializer, (small) subsystem host

》 🧪 - he/it/poison/spider/she

》 🩷 - she/they/he

🦂 - he/him, father figure

🎸 - he/him, dean winchester (presumed dormant)

🦄 - they/ae, gatekeeper

🪺 - they/he/ghost/blue, trauma holder & syskid

💀 - he/him, protector

☕️ - he/she/they, caretaker (presumed dormant)

🪽 - she/they/star, mother figure

👑 - he/him, protective caretaker

❤️‍🔥 - he/she, socializer & hypersexuality holder

🔥 - any/all, prosecutor protector & anger holder (emotionless)

subject to change

[lilacdragonflyhousehold]

role dynamics within the system have changed again and im hoping itll be beneficial

☢️ is no longer host and while hes still technically cohost and still fronts a lot his primary role is now instead a socializer and ive taken his place as system host

on another note, we got a new white tote and we have a black fabric felt that has barely gotten any use and i drew up this idea earlier

text reads "Dogbutch Summer"

[theremainderlightsystem]

how the hell are people posting under anti endo and endos dni tags and using syspunk and systempunk in the same post?? youre literally contradicting yourself there are you not?

[lilacdragonflyhousehold]

im a ghostbur fictive, i have a soft sorta british accent normally, but i have a really hard time unmasking my accent in public

we went out shopping with our friend and her kids earlier, fun little trip, i got overwhelmed really quickly after switching in but we still enjoyed it, im just really easily overwhelmed

we got a pretty soap for 🪽 and some clothes for 🐀 and the masc guys in the sys (mainly 🦂, 💀, and 🎸), and a new clicky stim toy that looks like a carton of eggs for all of us to use, and our friend bought us pizza

but one big sorta thing happened

i was triggered in because there was the cutest little plush bear in one of the shops and the others got her for me and her name is Sweet Pea Baby Bear Swirly Girl (Sweet Pea for short)

(she smells really pretty and when i saw her i swear she was staring at me from the top shelf and she had the cutest swirl in the fur on her forehead and i love her so much)

but when i fronted my accent came out immediately and so more easily and naturally than it has in months and it surprised me so much i got kinda stuck on my words but it was really nice and i think we're just so comfortable with our friend now that i can unmask without having to do it consciously and that's super cool and im really happy she's our friend

[lilacdragonflyhousehold]

should we add our names, approximate ages, and collective info to our pinned? or stick with just the basic emoji tag, pronouns, and roles list?

[lilacdragonflyhousehold]

thinking back to a couple years ago when we were traumadumping (consentually) to one of our grandmothers friends and our brain started to shut down and we started to go into a panic attack because- trauma- and she just looked at us and said something along the lines of "they're not letting you talk?" and we stopped in our tracks and just stared at her stuttering and she sorta back peddled like "oh im sorry i thought you knew"

"we're a system? yeah but how'd you-"

and she js said smth like "I've got my girls"

we went on a walk and talked about our respective systems, i think she said hers was mostly girls and one boy but they'd also mostly healed (im not sure if that meant functional multiplicity or final fusion for them) but like she was also open about it with her ex husband and i think thats just so cool

meeting older systems irl is so cool

we exist and you could never know if there's one in your life until they open up about it and thats part of the reason we try to be so open irl about our system

[lilacdragonflyhousehold]

its a strange thing

we remember some, maybe even most of our trauma from blurry, unspecific memories, and/or can explain why specifics among us are the way they are and what made them that way in, at least, what could be considered educated guesses, and working through, sorting out what was and wasnt traumatizing for us is getting easier as we journal more and things become at least somewhat clearer

we believe we're most likely traumagenic, but we're not actually sure because we dont remember how we formed, we hardly have any memories from before 13 years old so how could we, but for the most part, weve come to the resolution that we dont really care

its a weird space to be sitting in, the "we very well could have a cdd, but we're coping well enough on our own, and even healing somewhat, so it doesnt really matter why we're like this"

we dont want to make this blog centred around our origins anyways, we want it to be centred around experiences and any mundane little day-to-day things that want to be made note of because thats more important to us and im hoping it will also double to help fill memory gaps

[lilacdragonflyhousehold]

a rare post from me maybe

💀 is- very upset with me at the moment for figuring out that hes another anger holder like myself, mind you my actions are defensive on behalf of our system and his are much more on the offensive, hes always ready to fight, i dont think ive ever seen him remotely relaxed

he likes horror games in particular because he can channel his energy into them

i think he also might be a persecutor which angers him, hes insistent that hes not "evil" like me- i am a prosecutor protector, theres a slight difference, plus i dont act without reason or a trigger but hes just always angry at something or someone

hes young (although he lies about it constantly), he holds a lot of anger towards the world and how weve been treated, i believe he can be helped and im sure he needs it, but the most i can offer is guidance

its hard to help someone in the way they need when you feel nothing apart from anger in the moments its needed

[lilacdragonflyhousehold]

we've been trying to find new terms to replace the ones we dont really feel suit us and we're finding it difficult to say the least

system and plural are fine, all the switching/splitting terminology works alright, fictives/factives sure, but alters/parts/others/members doesnt feel-

individual enough?

we don't feel like parts of the same person, we started out as emotional states and social masks that developed separate from each other because of our trauma, but we're all our own people at this point and calling ourselves alter(nate states of self), part, other, or member just don't feel like it properly acknowledges the amount of individually we have/want

headmates is- fine sure okay- but it doesnt exactly work when you want to say something along the lines of "other (headmates) in the system" its kind of exclusively for "my headmates" and doesn't grammatically fit any other way and we don't care for the possessive feeling of "'my' headmates" as it is

the hosts and a couple others have been using "other folks" but also wants a word they can use without having to specify "in the system" which makes this a little tricky

if anyone has any suggestions please by all means

[emo-orerats]

Singlets have ZERO right to say endos DNI btw. It doesn't involve you, stop alienating groups you know nothing about

[endcrys]

Former host speaks on stupid origin discourse bullshit, something that caused real tangible conflict and damage both within our system and in our physical outward life

(Also the iPod thing is only half accurate, that was just our first outwardly noticeable host exchange)

[lilacdragonflyhousehold]

☢️ for some reason has a goal of following 100 plural blogs on here lmao, strange goal but whatever, he also really wants to get into making plural comics despite us being burnt out so il we already know he's a little overly ambitious

we discovered a new park today while out with a friend so im trying to figure out our plans for tomorrow while the others (mainly 💀 and 🪺) hound me to let them play hollow knight

[lilacdragonflyhousehold]

im being asked to post something that isnt just complaining

whatever

we figured out last night that 🪺 is 12 and not 14 like wed assumed for a while, they have a bit of that mature for their age trauma

they're still a kid with kid sorta interests and needs but hes good at communicating and he understands social nuance or whatever a lot better (and has a lot of anxiety and shame because of it)

[lilacdragonflyhousehold]

gotta love fronting in a bad mood because theres people in your house that you don't want to be around and you dont get to bind on days off anymore even when you're literally the one who holds the majority of severe dysphoria

great shit

don't really care if the house guests think im being rude by ignoring them i don't want to talk to our mothers friends who refuse to see us as anything but [deadname] and i don't value their opinions of us anyways

friend came in clutch and gave me an excuse to get outta the house for a bit tho

[lilacdragonflyhousehold]

saw a post that reminded me of this and clear pre-13yo memories are few and far between for us so i want to write this down before i lose it

when we were younger and the amnesia between us was worse (due to this being pre-syscovery) we had several instances of one of us would give something to a friend or sibling as a gift and then someone else would front and be devastated because their favourite Thing was gone

and unfortunately most of the time usually we either didnt know where it went or couldnt get it back because "sorry i didnt mean to give that to you" was considered wildly rude even as a kid which children notoriously do not understand the concept of permanently giving something away

early evidence of us being plural is still so wild to me, like yes im aware we were like this as a kid, logically i know that but its just been so normal we never noticed

[lilacdragonflyhousehold]

you dont need horrifically bad trauma to develop a system and as somemany whose ex friend and partner fakeclaimed them for their trauma not being "bad enough" we hate seeing this point in system spaces so much

our system developed from neglect (parents didnt bother learning anything about autism to help us when we were diagnosed), emotional manipulation that we grew up with that was normalized, religious manipulation and brainwashing, and being bullied by adults and kids alike for being the weird kid, as well as being hypersexual and having disturbing fantasies from a very young age and, growing up in a puritan household, being unable to talk about it or learn to properly cope

but because we dont (to our knowledge) have ptsd and our trauma wasn't "bad enough" sure we were plural but it didn't make sense and logically we shouldn't have been because our ex was horrifically abused and thats why they were a system and our system didn't perfectly line up with diagnostic criteria and we didn't have enough amnesia (<- points made by the aforementioned friend and partner not our own opinions)

we dont "function like a normal system" because the only way we could get by without making things 10x worse for ourselves was to learn how to work together, we forced ourselves to learn to be functional as plural and we learned to love being plural because of it, that's it

the amount of shit that we were fakeclaimed for sent us into the worst doubt spiral and damaged both our system and our confidence so much that we stopped existing in cdd spaces altogether and stopped using diagnosed system terms as much as possible, we stopped even acknowledging our trauma or calling ourselves traumagenic because it would just send us into a crisis if we thought too deep about it

we will not anytime soon be putting ourselves back into cdd system spaces even if we manage to get a diagnosis because of how toxic they are, but even if we never have the privilege of diagnosis, because it is a privilege, we have existed as plural up until this point and diagnosis or lack of such will not magically change that fact

[lilacdragonflyhousehold]

gotta love being violently reminded that the host's little subsystem isnt the only one we have and that the other subsys is in fact much larger and has been around much longer and we just keep forgetting about them because 1) they never front like ever, and 2) subsystem

anyways time to update the app dammit