the light disappears

[lilacgossamer]

somewhere i exist

somewhere i exist.  it is a statement i say to myself, at times, watching my small pixelated picture that confuses me, horrifies me.  staring at texts and wondering—  did these really happen?  am i really here? 

life is a fickle creature,  and i dance drearily in between both happiness and sadness, beauty and destruction.  one moment, i am a sea of stretching to be seen—  of screams and shouts and stormy seas.  the next, i am nothing but calm— quiet and collected, no curiosity or qualms.  the struggle to outpace people whose voices work, whose voices loud and light and leap, through deafening decibels and screeching sounds, i reconcile with myself.  i tell myself, i exist.

i tell myself that there is more to me than how many people i’ve spoken too that day, how many times i stuttered or stammered, how many times i’ve felt like punching the wall. 

i’ve tried to look at my life through a polaroid picture— through joy or grief, living life with a smile or with tightly pressed lips.

i am neither. i am nothing.  and yet— 

i exist. 

[lilacgossamer]

will she ever deserve the stars?

sometimes, on nights like these, she finds herself sitting amongst the stars. the rest of the world peeled away, buildings hidden beneath the looming shadows and the grays of clouds. she breathes in sharply, the cold air resting in her chest as a swarm of emotions hits her chilled body.

its on nights like these which she remembers, she does not deserve the stars. she does not deserve the hope that twinkles above her, pure as sun, fighting through darkness to be seen. she does not know how far away they truly are, but even though they’re so far she will never reach, up here in the clouds, they feel close enough to touch.

it feels as if light is that much closer, and that one day, maybe soon, she’ll be able to feel something bright— bright as a star bursting into existence, as a smile reaching across her face, as happiness resting inside of her.

but until then she’ll float further and further in the night, restless and awake, not knowing what to do except stare and think and focus and breathe and wonder–

why. why her that is lucky enough to look up at the stars, and bask in their attention

[lilacgossamer]

shouldn’t my words be water?

the words never come freely to my mouth—  the world says they’re supposed to flow, moving quick and fast in patterns galore,  shaping into sentences with remarkable ease, water flexible and moldable and easy to store,  something i know i should be able to to grow. 

but i don’t control it.  i don’t control the thousands of words and phrases bouncing around in my head, greetings running sideways as  answers fall to the ground,  none of them shaping in the water,  none of them coming out my mouth, none of them anything but thoughts, fleeting and fragile. 

i want to speak fast and free,  without blushing or stuttering or stammering, without mumbling or whispering or quieting, without mistaking or regretting or silencing, but every time i push at the boundaries, a damn pushes back— closing off at the rush of water, everything trapped in my head but nothing ever traveling across. 

[lilacgossamer]

the grass underneath me

i sit among the flowers,  among the resting reeds that rustle in the wind.  i close my eyes and let my fingers glide through the strands of grass, green and delicate, smooth and jagged.  each piece is different— a different length, the width slightly altered, dew resting on the sides  under the morning sun.  each feels so peaceful,  a soft bed underneath my fingertips, spanning the long yards of the field, peaceful in the early summer breeze.  the picture is perfect,  even if it won’t last. even if, in a couple years, the grass will be trampled from children, playing, constantly running, picking at the delicate strings and leaving clumps of dead, broken strands of memories, of a peaceful, forgotten time.  even if, in another couple years, the grass will grow brown, it will get cut down and forgotten as this space is taken and turned into more monotonous gray, and the grass will forget its power, will forget its happiness and uniqueness  that had been preserved,  even by me, sitting alone, understanding— just respecting the grass  underneath me.  even if, after everything, no one will ever respect it again. 

[lilacgossamer]

a storm of ink

the ink flows freely from my pen as my thoughts press heavily against the paper, blue dribbling across the yellowed sheets, words weighing on it like mountains,  thoughts swirling in a storm of chaos, each line a rumble of thunder against the small page.

writing has always been like this,  even as others fall apart in search of words, panning for gold and coming up short.  but gold is too shiny and soft, too empty and heavy.  instead, it is about the thoughts that scream in my head,  waiting to be let out on the page— waiting, never patient, searching for a scrap of which i can write a line,  trying to feel the melody that has been singing into my ear. 

poetry has been my comfort for the past year— feeling words and rhythms against the page, feeling out the lines in my head  as they come,  resting my left hand against the small  notebook bounded together with too many thoughts.

it is the beauty i have found, a voice that has come from years and years of  searching for a way to let it out, a way to say everything i’ve been thinking, thoughts that are nothing more than  fleeting flashes of feelings against my  small, whittled down soul. 

together, the thoughts organize themselves in stanzas, the emotions rise within the metaphors, the soul comes through each painstaking line— it is poetry. 

[lilacgossamer]

beautiful day

i pray for a better day. but no one sees, no one thinks life can be beautiful but me.  they made it blind, messed up my mind, and I’ll be deleted.  Time to prove, time to prove, what?  I thought someone stronger would be beautiful. but i’m damaged. far too damaged.  beyond repair— in my candy store, there are monsters everywhere.  

happiness comes when everything numbs, we don’t chose  our lives,  but, but no. don’t leave me alone. 

[lilacgossamer]

sprout

the green melting into brown as the darkness settled across the sky, and just like that, it was over.  the petals falling one by one, red tears against the ground as they fall softly to the grass, the grass turning sour, the branches turning crooked, the leaves falling like a brown blanket to a wanting floor, unrelenting winds pushing against the leaves, until the paper-thin weights were  nowhere, nothing but bits left to be  forgotten. 

forgotten.  that was what this garden was, years and years later, brown and black,  nothing more than the dreams  of a past generation. 

but.  a seed of green in a brook of promises, a small sprout that slowly reaches towards the sky with hope, the sun shining down and kindness in its  heart, knowing that it is all there is left.  with such fear comes dreams, and the sprout takes nothing for granted as a flower blooms red. and once more, 

there is life. 

[lilacgossamer]

never there

i’m sorry.  sorry that i could never  be there for you.  there were so many days i spent guilty, sitting in my home and torn,  ripped down the center and jagged— hopeless and watching with watery eyes, worse for wear.  always worse for wear. 

for so long,  i suffered thinking about you.  i betrayed you with a mask  over my tears, with a smile over broken promises.  my soul felt crushed as i fell, through the world and lost myself in the grains of sand that  carried through the land— if only i had said the truth.  i spent so long thinking of you, of what i would say.  the truth.  would i ever get to tell you  how sorry i was?  how much i had wanted to give it all up and just say yes, just say yes and everything would be fine. but it would never be fine,  would it?  never, not anymore. 

[lilacgossamer]

isolation

our doors are closed, our streets empty, our friends gone. ghosts fill the emptiness— as night time bathes the city, the people only know darkness.

isolation. the pluck as they place on latex gloves, as a medical blue face mask falls on their lips, as they shield themselves from the few people who dare to walk on the street, as they hold bags and bags of groceries— the outside an uncertainty, inside a sanctuary.

sanctuary. is it a sanctuary? it is the emptiness of a government’s broken promise, the cry of a mother as her son is gone from the earth. it is the virus— building its way through the body, destroying town after town, city after city, until nothing remains in its path,

but fear. hysteria. chaos. chaos reigns as fear destroys trust, as communities crumble with broken faith. faith. they were supposed to have faith in a system, but now that system lays shattered in a million tiny pieces on the ground.

shattered. what is there to do when hope is shattered, when the wars feel lost, when the greatest enemy was invisible, and not your neighbor?

[lilacgossamer]

smile a little more

Smile a little more, stretch your face wide, won’t you? feel your cheeks begin to bloom as you squeeze your face out into unnatural levels, as you press your mouth open, a pair of mismatched teeth showing, your lips cracked and red, threatening to burn off with the motion.

Smile a little more, let your eyes flash with excitement, won’t you? try and make yourself look happier— even with the circles under your eyes, the redness of crying times, the apathy that lurks at the surface.

Smile a little more,  try and be happy and free and live, won’t you? No one is going to believe you’re anything but miserable the way you stand— trying to make yourself shorter in a tall space, trying to make yourself weaker in broad daylight, trying to make yourself the moon when you need to be the sun. 

Smile a little more, just be normal, won’t you? Everything about you is so odd, from the way you force yourself to stand, to smile wide and big, your limbs jutting out, your eyes bugging out, your demeanor ready to leave and to never be in a moment.

Smile a little more, doesn’t it feel good to smile?

[lilacgossamer]

invisible

No one sees me.  Nobody sees me, everybody just goes away, life — no one makes it out alive,  just make a start, just make a start I could search for an eternity for that beautiful, happy, simple and sweet freedom.  Stuck on this impossible road to go, I’m running out of hope and time, dead and buried, I’ve been hiding—  what’s the point of even trying? Trapped with no escape,  Left alone, terrified,  ain’t it the shrill symphony,  ignored it, in denial,  invisible. 

[lilacgossamer]

told

They told her that everything was going to be okay,  to find the light at the end of the tunnel, to reach through despair and find diamonds,  to dream to the stars because dreams bred reality.  But now, she sat alone, knees tucked in, tears reaching down  her face with failure coating her like skin.  Her dreams, she had seen them as clearly as the day,  bright and burning, but now they lay scattered at her feet, oblivion bleeding into the happiness she had imagined.  They had said it would work out, they had said  that she could do anything, they had said  that she was destined for great things.  Each and every word had been a lie coated in poison,  a sweet word murmured that had given her hope, dangerous hope, too much hope.  And now she was forced to live with every         wrong  choice. 

Every decision she had made with their voices in the back of her head, their encouragement swirling through her,  propelling her forward with that smug, naive smile.  Well now, she lived with her choices, she lived with that smile strung like pain across her face, with darkness where hope had once rested. 

[lilacgossamer]

starfall

Someone out there calls desperately   To the stars, hopes from the bottom of their heart As the world around her falls apart.  Rising softly, lowering faster, hope disappears  For once, twice, thrice,  And she realizes that the hope was never truly  Lying there, never real, always imagined Living forever as the desperate dream that never comes. 

[lilacgossamer]

one step, then another

One step, then another,  keep on going and don’t look back.  The future lay in front of her like a million glowing roses, a word for her to chose, beauty among the masses, happiness, safety. 

One step, then another, keep on going and don’t look back.  But what was behind her?  Ashes lay in the place of love,  her world had been destroyed inside out,  ripped to shreds and she had only watched and waited,  watched with tears in her eyes but no movement in her limbs. 

One step, then another, keep on going and don’t look back. No. No, she had to ignore it, she had to ignore their screams and shouts because she had everything she wanted now, all of it.  One step, then another, keep on going and don’t look back. Life, she craved life, and she could suppress the tears, the pain,  take it all away because she knew that  she could find love again. She was more important than them,  she would do this. 

One step, then another, keep on going and don’t look back. And so she did.

[lilacgossamer]

ambition

They told her that there was light at the end of the tunnel, to keep going because hard effort paid off,  to never give up on her dreams. They led her down a path of hope and misguided love, made her believe she was the hero in her own story,  even when all she found left was a villain.  Her heart had frozen over as she fought for herself, as she worked harder and her tears became daggers of ice, her hard work had left her when she realized their lies, their half-truths, but alas, she was too far gone. Her eyes were bleary under days of stress, of carrying the weight on her back of dead dreams and forgotten moments of happiness. Where was happiness?  She was taught to always look forward,  and every time she held victory, it always turned to ash in her mouth;  never        good             enough.  Her ambition always grew with her passion,  there was no stopping her because she was always there her tongue as sharp as her sword,  her breath as fast her mind, her ruthlessness spanning further and further because power only fed to the broken. Power only fed when they told her she was going to get better, when she thought she walked the path of heroes. It was true, she did control her destiny, but the light had died in her throat, and now, darkness reigned. 

[lilacgossamer]

supposed to

I saw you in the bleary moments of sadness,  it was always you, I felt that in the bottom of my heart,  within your hopeful eyes I thought I saw the future.  Thought.  The glittering I saw  in those gray eyes, so full of thinking, so full of wisdom, there was a spark there, blooming with light as you brought forth your own fight.  I lept, leaving life behind for you,  I gave up the present for the future I could see in you.  And after all of that, you were a liar. 

You gave an entire word to me before taking it away, reaching your hands within my heart and ripping it to shreds in front of my thin eyes, held the shreds of my heart and burned them with the rage I had mistaken as passion.  I watched the future that you had pieced together fall to ash, disappear before my eyes as I crumbled within the heart  you had destroyed.  It was supposed to be you, I thought I had I known the world, thought I had known you,  my eyes were gone as tears poured through them packed up every memory from a life I thought I had, took every gift and every promise, packed up each and every memory of your soft smile within me, trying not to cry as I erased each and every one from my heart.  There was no way to leave you unless I wiped you away, you were supposed to be my angel, my north star, my everything.  Where did all that go? 

[lilacgossamer]

shattered

Snow sank silently to the ground, pure as the gray landscape was filled  with soft, white snowflakes.  it was the perfection of one moment looming overall,  a white paradise covering the gray, each snowflake resting peacefully on the ground. 

Not far away was the stinging snow, the sinister shadows looming over a neighborhood, they respected snow and yet also destroyed it— let carnage fall in the form of trash alongside sloppy steps and small imprints.

For now, the children were fine with their plastic sleds and hot chocolate, watching through the pine as lilting laughter filled the air. But the snow was shaky as the wind whipped up, ready, waiting in position like predator to prey, disguised as the  the comfort of the purity of white in their eyes.

It struck the moment they were happy, tongues outstretched and waiting as flakes became flurries, as their smiles stopped, As their harmonies turned from rich to  shattered.