Sometimes they forget how much control hydra had. They forget that Bucky doesn't know or have much experience with a lot of things.
And not something like when Steve doesn't know something, like a pop reference, or how Steve's never tried something.
Bucky is brilliant. He always was, all the commandos spoke on it, and he still is.
Hydra burned and tore at his mind every chance chance got but the soldier needed to be able to problem solve on missions if he needed to. He had to be able to adapt. He had to be able to remember mission details. Etc
He can speak several languages. He can fix a lot of the tech stuff Tony throws his way, and even knows a decent amount about his arm.
He's got a great memory, except on days where he doesn't. Even then, it's usually super new or super old memories that get affected.
He knows weapons, cities, codes, etc easy. He knows several fighting styles and picks up most things after seeing it once.
It's the finer details. It's the human stuff. Learning about things outside of hydra and death.
He knows how to work a stove, knows to avoid the burners, but when they ask him if he's ever used one before he just says a handler held his hand to one before. Or had him do that to someone else.
And see, that needs to go.
So they teach him him how to use it and make pancakes.
He doesn't know much about emotions.
When he starts crying, really just his eyes watering and a tremble to his breathing and not much else, but he can't get it to stop. It lasts for a few days and then comes and goes sporadically.
They say it's his body grieving even if he doesn't know it yet, and he just stares at them because he doesn't know what grief is.
They ask him if he knows what sad is, and yes, he knows that. Sometimes, misson targets were sad.
They ask him if he's sad because it's easier at this point, and he just blinks.
Repeats it sad like he's trying to familiarize himself with the word and how it could relate to him, but that's all they get.
A few days later, after a vicious nightmare and wrapped up firmly in Steve, he quietly asks if they're both sad, and Steve just holds on a little tighter.
He doesn't know about heated blankets.
He seems to be unfamiliar with warm in a lot of ways, too.
He knows hot, but not warm. Not comfortable. Comfort wasn't something the soldier was familiar with in any capacity.
He observes it suspiciously when they first plug it in and leave it there for him, Pepper found the softest and most luxurious one she could for him, looking at Steve a final time before finally pulling it onto his lap.
He goes still, then carefully traces where he can feel the wires under the fabric.
He watches them out of the corner of his eye, they know he thinks they're going to take it, left it there long enough for him to want it and they're going to take it, that's how it always goes.
Obviously, they're not going to do that, and eventually he'll learn that but they do their best to looks like they're not paying him any attention because that's the only way to get him to explore things. He gets anxious and fearful if they focus too much him.
He curls up under it and tugs it all the way up over his nose. Slowly, waiting to see what they do.
And once he's under it the way he wants, and he seems to come to the conclusion that they're not going to do anything, he relaxes for what mignt be the first time they've seen.
He looks sleepy and zoned out, occasionally turning to rub his cheek a little firmer into the blanket.
Steve flits around nervously, wanting to touch but knowing he probably shouldn't, but he's still terrified he's going to wake up, and this will all have been a dream.
Bucky shifts over just a little, opens up the cushion next to him, and it's all the hint Steve needs. They're not touching. The blanket is heavy between where their thighs could be touching, but the heat is relaxing to both of them, and they end up asleep. Exhausted. Heads tilted towards the other and slowly sliding over until they're leaning on each other.
Natasha is the only one light footed enough to get close and take a photo without waking either of them up.
He doesn't know how to touch things carefully. Glass, other people, himself, animals.
Clint is the one who brings in the cat. It's filthy and half starved, but it's going to be beautiful once they get her cleaned up.
Bucky has no idea what to do with it. He watches them clean her up and feed her with unease. He makes a point to keep someone between him and the cat at all times.
He's worried he's going to hurt it. What if he presses it too hard? What if it scares him and he hurts it? What if her fur gets stuck in the arm?
He keeps his left arm pulled tight to his chest, something he tends to do anyway but especially around the cat.
Eventually, the cat finds him, as they tend to do, and he's startles when it climbs right into his lap and starts purring.
Steve is enthralled, reaching over to pet the cat occasionally and telling them Bucky always had a knack with animals. Always had a soft spot for strays.
They think maybe he's not talking about the cat anymore, but no one pushes it.
He doesn't know what hurt or pain is.
He refers to it as how operational he is, or if he can continue or not, and the soldier can operate and continue under almost anything.
With Steve and Bruce around, they've got plenty of things on hand that will also work for Bucky.
The hardest part is getting him to understand that he shouldn't hurt all the time.
The first time he takes something, there's an odd look that finds its way onto his face as the minutes pass.
How did you do that? He demands.
And they don't know how to tell him that this might actually be the first time he's not actively dying in decades.
It was slow, but he was dying. They've stopped it for the most part, and what they haven't, he should start to heal from himself since he's away from the continuous torture.
Not even super soldier can survive what hydra did for too long. The only reason it was so slow was because of how often they slapped him back into cyro.
What he's feeling is better.
He doesn't know or have much experience with food.
Which is devastating in a lot of ways but even more so when the extent becomes more clear.
For a super soldier, he doesn't eat much. Most of the time, he just over does it when he tries new things.
They're working on bigger portions. Slowly. His body needs a lot to compensate for the serum, and hydra never gave him enough.
It was another example of how comfort wasn't something the soldier had experience with. He was skin, muscle, and bone when Steve brought him in. Not a spot of fat on him.
His metabolism was a mess. One of things that was killing him that they're working on fixing.
There's a lot of food he knows about but has never eaten, and there's a lot that he doesn't even know about.
They have to be careful with processed foods. He does better with real, natural food. It's less likely to make him sick as he gets off the bare minimum nutrition shakes and bars that hydra had him on.
They find out he's got a sweet tooth that Steve says is new. They imagine hydra never gave him anything sweet, so it's new and exciting. Plus, chocolate helps with dopamine.
He's incredibly betrayed the first time they give him dark chocolate, though. Sam couldn't stop laughing.
He loves fruits. Sweet but healthy so they try to get him to eat that more than the other stuff.
The first time he tries watermelon, he eats so much he gets sick. Then immediately comes back to eat more, and proceeds to get sick again. Tony puts some type of complicated lock he made on the fridge and looks disgustingly impressed when Bucky breaks into it almost immediately and gets sick a third time on the watermelon.
One day, someone lets him try macaroni.
Steve wants to cry when it's the only thing he'll eat for a week straight.
He doesn't know anything beyond the primary colors too well.
Anything beyond those are a little hard for him to name. He knows something is a shade of purple, but he couldn't tell you it was lavender. He didn't know what lavender was.
So, he's fascinated by the TV, especially shows with a lot of colors.
He didn't see a lot of color as the soldier.
His world was composed of blacks and whites, greys and reds. Tactical gear. Guns. Florescent lights. Concrete. Medical equipment. Labs. Blood.
Steve breaks out his paints, and Bucky watches him but hasn't worked up the courage to try it himself yet.
Sometimes, he gives Steve certain colors to paint with, and he watches the paper soak up the paint rapt attention.
Sometimes, he reaches out and gets some on his fingers, and softly rubs over where it stains his skin bright colors.
He likes blues. All different shades but especially the bright shades. Steve would have thought he'd like the darker ones better but when he asks Bucky just looks at him, dragging his eyes over Steve's face and making eye contact briefly before turning his attention back to the paint and picking the same shades again.
He doesn't have a lot of experience with the weather.
He loves being outside on sunny days. He's fascinated with sunlight. He'll sit there quietly for hours, face tilted towards the sun, and his sleeve pulled up on his right arm to soak it in.
Hydra kept him in the shadows, in the dark.
The soldier didn't often operate during the day. Ghosts come out at night.
He's plastered to the window the first time there's a rainbow. He stands there quietly and watches it until it fades.
He despises the cold and snow. Steve does, too. It makes his body ache fiercely, especially his left side and his head. He usually stays curled up somewhere under his electric blanket and sleeps whole days away.
Sometimes, he wakes up, and Steve is a heavy weight next to him on the other side of the bed.
Sometimes Bucky drags Steve under there with him because Steve gets tight around the eyes himself if he starts to get chilled. Bucky tucks him under his chin like Steve's still 90 lbs soaking wet, and Bucky can curl around him easily.
He avoids windows in the cold months because being so high up in the tower and looking down while it's snowing fallingfallingfalling sets off panic attacks so bad he passes out.
He's warming up to rain. He meets Thor on a sunny day, but he looks him over critically and Steve can see him taking note of all the ways Thor could hurt him if he wanted to, seems to scent the air a little and says rain like he was remembering it for the first time.
Petrichor Jane offers in response.
He has trouble recognizing himself in the mirror or in photos sometimes.
He'll watch himself in a mirror and Steve wants to make a joke above being vain because before Bucky would have laughed and agreed but now he touches his face and arm like he's trying to see if it lines up with the mirror, if that's really him.
He goes back and forth between stealing drawings Steve does of him to tuck somewhere to keep and throwing them away before he's even done with them.
Old pictures are too much on the bad days.
As he gets better with touch, which was certainly it's own battle, he likes to trace Steve's face. Careful, barely touching skin and dragging it over his nose and cheeks, tracing.
He doesn't really like Steve doing it back, likes to touch, but still gets nervous getting touched in return, It's about control Bruce reminds Steve gently. If he's touching you then he can pull away when he's had enough but if you're touching him, then he doesn't have a guarantee that you'll pull away when he's had enough, but he'll sit there and tolerate it if Steve asks.
He doesn't know holidays, beyond the occasional memory of holiday parties that have all of them quickly steering the conversation in another direction before he can remember too much and Steve starts breaking things.
He doesn't like Halloween. Too many masks. Too many people in places they shouldn't be. Not that any of them really like Halloween. All for the same reasons.
He loves Christmas though. He loves the lights and the other decorations.
And because I need Steve and Bucky to have a Christmas where they're both healthy, safe, and in a place where they can really enjoy it.
Not freezing, hurt, sick, broke as hell, or dead.
I want all of them soft as shit.
Bucky snagging Steve under the mistletoe, and he's bright-eyed and playful when he kisses him. Then pulling Steve along behind him when he turns to go get another sugar cookie, and Steve following right behind him easy, both of them sliding a bit in their Christmas socks that Thor insisted demanded everyone wear.
Pepper brings wine worth more than most of the people attending their little get together and sips it from one of the ugly, bedazzled, gaudy Christmas wine glass that Clint brought. Rhodey is giving Tony shit about something, both of them loose and smiling.
Jane is entertaining Thor and Darcy with Christmas stories where she keeps getting distracted and going off topic, to the delight of both of them.
Bruce is a Santa hat and grinch slippers, gifted by Tony of course.
Natasha sits next to Sam in a soft looking red dress and bow in her hair, her own wine glass half full. Sam has an ugly Christmas sweater on that he's had to explain to Steve and Bucky 5 times now and he's convinced they're fucking with him at this point.
Clint's trying to convince someone to do Christmas song karaoke with him and belting out verses between asks.
Later they'll all watch a few Christmas movies, most of them in their own little worlds.
Steve and Bucky soft and quiet over by some of the warm, dimmer lights because they'll be taken down soon after the holiday and Bucky already misses them and Steve takes a mental picture because he wants to draw this later, Bucky in the low lights.
Their legs tangled under the blanket. Steve's cheeks a little red because he runs hot, but Bucky doesn't, and so he makes sure the blanket stays up over them.
Bucky going back and forth between nibbling on the holidays treats, seriously Buck eat something from the veggie tray please that's like your 15th cookie and offering some to Steve.
They'll end up falling asleep, far from being the only ones to do so, most of them falling sleeping on the living area floor, on the chairs and sofas, and each other.
Although, maybe they're one of the first to do so.
Big social things still take a lot of energy out of Bucky and Steve can hardly be expected to not succumb to sleep himself when he's warm and full, among friends, and Bucky soft and safe against his side.
The others take photos and promise to tease them in the morning, well aware that Bucky falling asleep with anyone around is huge. Being vulnerable around them is a lot of trust. And Steve falling asleep with him is just as important. Both of them comfortable with the company they're in, trusting the others.
jbbartram-illu
izzy806
prguitarman
kaledo-art
yousharknotpass
turnnoffyourmind
vaporwave
janainaart
snowghoul
