Thinking about why I have trouble distinguishing between different people’s voices on the phone, pick out a single person’s voice in a busy room, and have trouble remembering who told me what.
From infancy, my brain has a “file” on every word I have ever heard. Some files are fat: “the”, “me”, “and”. Some files are thin: got sidetracked trying to find the spelling of a word I remember hearing in a spelling bee. It sounded like /kaɲkılieɾəd/.
And that’s an example of how I seem to store every production of a word I ever hear. The way the sounds fit together. The way it can grammatically fit together with other words. Each word has “receptors” that only work with specified other words around them.
I remember feeling drawn to the crisp sounds in German: “sch,” “ß”, “w” as /v/. I still feel so comfortable — no, happy forming them.
When I talk to someone, my brain seems to:
1. Record a whole conversational turn.
2. Break down into sentences.
3. Break down into words.
4. Break down into sounds.
5. Add information acquired from new productions to the language files. Like the X Files but probably not at all really. I did it again. I can’t hear the meaning over the words.
6. Now I have new data points to add to rules about pronunciation, spelling, meanings, and grammatical construction.
7. This all happens instantly and without me thinking about it. What I do have to think about is making sure that I am mirroring the other person’s communication, and a good way to do that is by using the words they use and furthering the conversation by adding more.
8. But my brain does not seem to keep track of where the line is for “on topic” or “off topic.” I’m building with the same words but there is some other meaning that I can’t seem to access.
9. Meanwhile, I’m struggling to see what someone’s facial expression is telling me. I find facial expressions to be hard to distinguish, but when I make a social error and some has a strong reaction, it scares me. It’s like I can’t see faces unless it’s bad. It can take several seconds or more of “staring” at someone to tell if I recognize them or not and who they might be. I feel bad for not knowing who they are, so I’m hesitant to ask.
10. I like it when people who aren’t in my small inner circle remind me who they are when they approach. It helps my brain “set up” for the conversation.
11. If I hear or read: “We need to talk,” “Could you please call me?” “I have to tell you something later,” or the like, I’m filled with anxiety. I can’t prepare for the conversation, so I know I’ll take a long time forming responses, be entirely unable to modulate my tone or emotions, and may melt or shut down entirely, or leave the situation before I do.
12. And then sometimes I get to that situation and the person is like, “I just wanted to tell you that I couldn’t find that hot sauce you like.” Now I still have to craft an emotionally appropriate response that is calm even though my nerves are screaming because I had to be ready for ANYTHING.
13. These things happen fast enough that I’m usually able to come up with something satisfactory to respond with, but it feels like physical exertion in my nervous system. Too many unexpected communication situations and I lose my ability to communicate.
14. I like theatre because I have the words. I have the stage directions and blocking. I can enjoy an interaction with others and be in the moment because I don’t have to constantly check my words for associated physical behaviors that I have minimal or no control over.
15. When I combine words together, my face and body are trying to follow along, but they don’t always match. I don’t notice this, but others do.
I can still hear the different ways I’ve heard words pronounced and used. But because I was expending all my effort to make sure I look and sound “normal,” I can come away from conversations not knowing who I spoke to in any meaningful way. I love being on the stage, whether acting or lecturing. I can call up words I need across languages. I’m filled with fear when I know that back and forth social interaction lies ahead.
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