your story is far from over

just an imperfect woman living to serve a perfect God ♡

[livingtoliveforhim]

from accounting to [maybe] nursing...

When life throws you curve balls, do you dodge them or try to catch them? Recently, I’ve felt like my future and everything that was “normal” to me was slipped out from under my feet. I lost financial aid at school, found out I couldn’t take out any more loans, and found myself not being able to continue my education at Grove City College. I had no idea what to do.

So I decided to enroll at the community college and go from there. I signed up for business classes but I was only going to be taking them online. I didn’t really have a passion or a drive for school anymore, but this past weekend while gazing the beautiful water that is Lake George, I decided to see what kind of classes I would need to take and what I could do to start the path of someday becoming a nurse. I applied to a nursing school near me and signed up for classes at the community college campus that I could use towards becoming an LPN. 

I don’t particularly like change but I decided to catch life’s curve ball and see what I can do with it.

[livingtoliveforhim]

11-3-22 WOW. I posted this originally in August of 2016. The amount of twists and turns that came from here were nothing I would’ve expected. I enrolled in some nursing school pre-requisites and did well in most of them. I struggled with A&P I so I dropped it. I finished fall semester with a good GPA and enrolled in A&P I again for the spring semester. I was doing well in all my classes - including A&P, but when I got the rejection letter from the Belanger School of Nursing, I was devastated. I thought it was a sign that I wasn’t meant to be a nurse so I dropped my classes and started searching for a full time job (cause Grove City didn’t come without debt). 

I worked in a orthopedic medical office for about a year then started at St Peter’s in the cancer center. I realized I loved working in healthcare and growing relationships with patients. I didn’t have the drive to go back to school yet. 

Then 10/25/18 - my mom died. Unexpected but also expected. Can you ever really expect death and accept it when it comes? Even as a believer, knowing my mom was in heaven, free of earthly pain and suffering, it was still hard to grasp. On top of that, I felt like she died without seeing me live up to my full potential. So, I decided to use her death and turn it for something good. I enrolled in A&P I for the spring semester (3rd times a charm, I guess). And to my surprise, I was successful. I took more classes that summer and fall, submitting my applications to nursing school by the end of 2019, hoping to start in the fall of 2020. I got my acceptances and decided to go to Hudson Valley. Then Covid hit. Life just seemed overwhelmingly difficult and I really doubted whether I could be a nurse. 

But, here I am - writing this at the hospital (on my unpaid lunch break- for legal reasons). And I’m a freaking nurse. I get to see babies born into this world and see the joy on the faces of moms, dads and other family and friends. Work is hard sometimes, but I honestly can’t imagine doing anything else. 

[livingtoliveforhim]

seeking approval

This post may seem all over the place, and if you know me well, you'll know it's because that's usually how my thoughts and conversations go. One thing makes you think of one thing and then another and on and on and on...

Last week at our ladies' bible study we talked about the book "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. Stasi talked about her "starfish moment", where God showed her a starfish that lifted her spirit. He knew what she needed when she needed it.

This week we continued on into the next chapter which talked about inner beauty, not always being busy, and being present and inviting. It referenced the story of Mary and Martha. While Martha had a servant's heart, she lacked being present, even when Jesus Himself was in her presence.

This led to a conversation about how we talk about ourselves. If we always talk about how ugly, fat, fill-in-the-blank mean things we can say about ourselves, how does that affect the people around us? The people I feel safest and most comfortable around are the people who are most confident in themselves. The people I know that constantly critique their appearance, especially in regards to bodyweight and what they eat (or don't eat) are the people I usually feel the most uncomfortable around. If they spend that much time thinking negatively about themselves, what are they thinking about me?

This led to more conversation about why we even talk down about ourselves. Any usually it's because we are seeking approval and acceptance from anyone other than the One who created us. If you take anything from this, let it be that the Creator of the universe and everything in it is captivated by you. Yes, you.

So how does this have anything to do with my first story about the "starfish moment"? Well, I had my starfish moment just prior to starting this blog post. After bible study, I went to Mocha Blend in Goodwill plaza in Troy (10/10 recommend: the coffee is great and they play worship music). On the radio, they were talking about how important it is to focus on how God views us and not others. It was a reinforcement and just reminded me that God is listening. He sees and hears us. And he knows us. Truly, deeply knows us. I hope you get a starfish moment this week.

3/27/2021 1109

[livingtoliveforhim]

prayer

This past Sunday, our pastor posed a question that I can’t stop thinking about. “If every single prayer that you’ve prayed, was answered just the way you thought they should be answered at the time you wanted them to be answered, who would be God in that situation?”

And honestly, I had never thought about prayer in this way before. I know that prayer is good. I know that we should pray often. (Philippians 4:6). I pray for numerous things, but a lot of times, I am praying for things that I want to or think should happen, when sometimes the prayer just needs to be “Your will be done”. Because God truly knows what is best in the grand scheme of things. 

We don’t have God’s view. He is outside of our realm of time and therefore can see how things are going to play out before they do. Something that I heard in a Chuck Missler video a while back was talking about how God and Heaven are eternal, meaning not that they are forever backward and forever forwards, which is how we often view eternity. Eternity is not necessarily forever in a linear direction, but outside of our understanding of time. He also talked about science and dimensions which are way too far out of my scope of understanding so I won’t try to explain it. He compared eternity and God’s view of life as a parade. If we were in an airplane or helicopter, hovering above the parade, we would be able to see the beginning, middle and end of the parade all at the same time. Because God is eternal, He can see our life, beginning, middle and end all at the same time. And thank GOODNESS for that because I can’t count how many prayers that I have prayed that I am so THANKFUL that God responded with a ‘no’ or ‘not now’ (Most notably the prayer to marry that boy I thought I loved in ninth grade). He is working things together for good, according to HIS purpose, not ours (Romans 8:28) 

[livingtoliveforhim]

2/27/21 I wrote this blog post about a year ago. It was in one of the last sermons pre-covid (hate that that's a reference of time now). One of the main points of the sermon was this “If every single prayer that you’ve prayed, was answered just the way you thought they should be answered at the time you wanted them to be answered, who would be God in that situation?”

Now, scrolling through past blog posts, I'll admit I was a little discouraged. I wrote this last year, ready to tackle my prayer life, and to start praying more and more that God would do His will in my life, and that I would start to desire His will more than my own. And here we are, a year later, and honestly I am back to square one. I am back to praying for things that I want, over what God might have for my life. While praying for your desires is good, make sure they align with Scripture and that the end prayer is "but Your will be done". I haven't really been praying that lately. It's been more like "God please let Melissa's will be done". And frankly, Melissa's will is based on the feelings and the present day "facts", while God's will is rooted in His Sovereignty, knowing the past, present, and future of my life. So we'll start again. I will remember that I am not God (and thank goodness for that!) and that His will is what is truly best for my life.

[livingtoliveforhim]

enneagram 2s and learning to take care of yourself

I have a lot of thoughts, and frankly, I’m not sure how well they are going to flow in this blog post. I often find myself with ideas and things that I want to say, but frequently lacking the ability to find how I ought to say them. So, I guess I’ll start with saying that I am an enneagram 2 and I often find a lot of pride in that. Type 2s are usually referred to as The Helper or The Giver. I love that God has given me the personality He did, which includes a generous heart that seeks to help and please others, but one of the things that usually is found with us type 2s is that we tend to push aside our own needs and desires if it means helping someone else. This is not always a bad thing, but I think that we also need to learn to take care of ourselves too. This came after meeting with a dear friend of mine, who reminded me to value myself and to surround myself with those who also value me. It’s okay to spend less time with those who don’t appreciate you or recognize your worth. Leaving her house, I heard these Taylor Swift lyrics in the car “And you know damn well, for you, I would ruin myself, a million little times” And for a long time, I’ve been like that, willing to cause myself pain and hurt if it meant putting someone else first. I would hear this song and think “oh that’s so me”. But maybe, I don’t want to be able to attribute myself to those lyrics. I am fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator of the universe, and I ought to view myself from His lens, worthy, beautiful and strong. So, love your neighbor and take care of yourself.

[livingtoliveforhim]

...God why did You....

God, why did You let ______ happen? God, why didn’t You do something about _____? Maybe I’m the only one who has thought these things, but if we’re honest, I’m probably not. You have probably felt what I’ve felt and thought some variation of what I’ve thought. Sometimes it’s frustrating to know that God has infinite power and yet doesn’t use it in the way we want Him to. But honestly, how arrogant is that? Who do we think we are? Those were the humbling thoughts that came on Sunday evening. God called to my heart the times that I have doubted His faithfulness and the numerous times that I’ve said or thought “God, but why did/didn’t You...” 

I was reminded of the end of the book of Job. For those of you who are unfamiliar, Job had a pretty good life. Family, friends, wealth and then it all went away. Throughout the book of Job, we see him wrestle with himself (almost as if God knew that we too would have those same emotions...side note: if you read Scripture and think you can’t apply it or that it doesn’t have a role in your life, go back and read it again.) 

Job seems to complain for most of the book (he does go in waves, trusting and doubting God) and at the end, God stops him in his tracks. “Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements-surely you know!” (Job 38:4-5a). I always chuckle when I get to the end of Job because it’s hard for me to imagine God talking like this. If you’ve ever worked in customer service--it’s like when a customer tries to tell you how to do your job. My thoughts were always “um, hello, I work here. I know what I’m doing” And God doesn’t just work the earth--He made the earth and everything in it. 

Would you really tell the inventor of a board game that he’s playing it wrong? Or would you tell a songwriter they are singing the wrong notes? Then how come we question why God does things the way that He does? 

Luckily, by the end of the book Job realizes his place (and I eventually get there too--even if I backslide sometimes). “I have spoken once, and I will not answer; twice, but I will proceed no further” (Job 40:5) Or, the Message puts it “I’ve talked too much, way too much. I’m ready to shut up and listen” (I don’t usually read the message, but if I’m gonna, it’s gonna be for the book of Job).

So I felt God calling me the other night. Melissa, are you ready to shut up and listen? Or in my case, are you ready to shut up and watch? Are you ready to let Me work in you? Just wait and see what I have for you. Stop doubting Me. 

Friends, God is faithful and true and the things He has for you (and me) are truly better than we could ever imagine for ourselves. Trust Him. 

[livingtoliveforhim]

it’s gonna be MAY

It’s hard to believe it’s already May. On one hand, March seemed to last an eternity, while April was gone in the blink of an eye. I find myself really struggling with emotion these days. I’m sad, angry, lonely, annoyed, happy, silly, grateful, thankful, blessed, stressed and the list goes on. It’s hard to adequately express these feelings when you know there are people out there worse off than you, sicker than you. They may be losing family, friends, their job or their kids. Some are dealing with severe depression and anxiety and even taking their own lives. How can I complain about loneliness and sadness when others have it worse (that’s the enneagram 2 in me) than I do? BUT God cares for you. He truly does. He chose to have a relationship with us and He hurts when we hurt. Take those feelings to God. Whether you feel justified in them or not. Many times, David cries out in the Psalms. He tells God exactly how he’s feeling and looks to God for comfort. And you can do the same. I don’t always know what to say or how to say it, but God’s Word does. Dig deeper into His word during this time. <3 

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?” - Psalm 56:3-4

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” - 1 Peter 5:6-7

[livingtoliveforhim]

4/26/2020

Sometimes I get through an entire day and don’t feel any different. Usually it’s Tuesdays or Fridays, when I don’t normally have structured events, so I go to work and come home with no Zoom meetings to log on to. BUT on Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays and Sundays, it is very evident to me that life is different and that things are not the way they should be. Mondays is Bible Study, Wednesdays, online prayer meeting, Thursdays, tribe (small group), Saturday, bible study and Sunday online church. 

I like, no love, staying connected to friends and family, and the friends that are like family, but there is a peace I feel on the days that I do not have any online connections to make because I can pretend that life is normal. I went to work and came home because I normally don’t do planned things on those days. I can pretend that everything is fine, and maybe convince myself there isn’t a pandemic sweeping the world right now. 

Life is different right now, but God is not. His character is the same from Genesis to Revelation and He is the same right now. That seems to be one of the only things to bring my comfort during this season of unknowns. 

Hebrews 13:8 says “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever.”

And finally, advice that I take from II Chronicles 20:12 “...we do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.”

[livingtoliveforhim]

thoughts: 11th grade english to now

I found an old notebook from my 11th grade English class. Every time I go through my things, I just can't throw it away, but I never read it. I just stuff it somewhere. Tonight, I decided to read it and it's evident that God needed me to hear my own advice. 9/20/2012 If you were part of a bicycle, which part would you be?"I think I would be the wheels. The wheels, even though they hit bumps and rocks, they still keep going. It's tiring, but they do it. That's me (most of the time). I try to not let crap get in my way. I just keep trusting my Driver (Jesus) and keep going." Keep going, friends. This pandemic likely isn't the first and won't be the last of the bumps and rocks we will hit in life, but we can be assured that our Driver knows where He's leading us.

[livingtoliveforhim]

prayer

This past Sunday, our pastor posed a question that I can’t stop thinking about. “If every single prayer that you’ve prayed, was answered just the way you thought they should be answered at the time you wanted them to be answered, who would be God in that situation?”

And honestly, I had never thought about prayer in this way before. I know that prayer is good. I know that we should pray often. (Philippians 4:6). I pray for numerous things, but a lot of times, I am praying for things that I want to or think should happen, when sometimes the prayer just needs to be “Your will be done”. Because God truly knows what is best in the grand scheme of things. 

We don’t have God’s view. He is outside of our realm of time and therefore can see how things are going to play out before they do. Something that I heard in a Chuck Missler video a while back was talking about how God and Heaven are eternal, meaning not that they are forever backward and forever forwards, which is how we often view eternity. Eternity is not necessarily forever in a linear direction, but outside of our understanding of time. He also talked about science and dimensions which are way too far out of my scope of understanding so I won’t try to explain it. He compared eternity and God’s view of life as a parade. If we were in an airplane or helicopter, hovering above the parade, we would be able to see the beginning, middle and end of the parade all at the same time. Because God is eternal, He can see our life, beginning, middle and end all at the same time. And thank GOODNESS for that because I can’t count how many prayers that I have prayed that I am so THANKFUL that God responded with a ‘no’ or ‘not now’ (Most notably the prayer to marry that boy I thought I loved in ninth grade). He is working things together for good, according to HIS purpose, not ours (Romans 8:28) 

[livingtoliveforhim]

the bigger depression hits

There is a song by Natalie Grant called Even Louder. It has been my anthem for the past few weeks. There are two lyrics that tug on my heart strings. 

“Even when my eyes can’t see it, I will sing it til I believe it. Even louder; even louder.” 

We are called to worship; we are worshipping beings. We can either worship God, the only One worthy of our worship, or we can worship the things of this world, which will never fully satisfy like Christ does. I heard in a sermon one time, that God is a jealous God because He knows He is worthy of being number one.  But sometimes, life is hard. We don’t understand why certain things are happening. We may feel sad or distant, but that is no excuse to not worship. 

The other lyric is “the bigger depression hits, the louder my praise gets”

I felt like that really resonated with me, because the more depressed I feel, the more distant I can feel from God. Maybe this is because of the lie that Satan feeds; the lie that depression is a direct result of lack of faith, prayer, and trust in Christ. Yes, I believe that the lack of closeness with Christ can result in sadness or depression, but those things are not always a direct result of how big or small our faith is. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the body, that doesn’t need a particular event to flare up. So I’m clinging to those words, “the bigger depression hits, the louder my praise gets.”

Be blessed.

[livingtoliveforhim]

Bible in a year

Recently I decided that I needed to read more of the Bible. I have been a Christian since my freshman year of high school and I had not read the Bible cover to cover. I’ll admit, the Old Testament was an excuse that I used. Reading through genealogy and wars and rebellion wasn’t easy for me. I felt convicted to read from Genesis to Revelation and then take it book by book and study even deeper. My original goal was to read the Bible in 90 days. I did that for about two weeks before I realized that  it was becoming more of an obligation and I was no longer reading to learn and commit myself more to Christ but because I am a box-checker and the Bible app plan has these lovely little circles that you fill in and when you complete a day in the plan, you get a checkmark well done. I decided to dedicate myself to reading the Word every day and to try to complete the Bible in a year. It has truly been such a blessing to read through the OT and see the faithfulness of God. I’ll admit, things don’t always make sense. I have to pray and ask for my eyes and heart to be opened to receive His Word, but there is so much to be learned about the character of God in the Old Testament.

Be blessed.

[livingtoliveforhim]

bible in 90 days challenge: week 2

I recently set out to read the Bible in 90 days. It actually started out when I joined a new church and their young adults' group was doing Bible marathon, where they met weekly to discuss Scripture that they’ve been reading. They had a goal to read the entire bible in one year. In the past, I had looked into plans for reading the bible in a year on the YouVersion bible app, but many of these yearly Bible plans are not chronological and the minor OCD in me can’t handle jumping over to read.

So that’s when I found a chronological Bible in 90 days plan. I figured it’s only about 25 pages a day. (That is so much more than you think, by the way). But having a goal in mind has been so incredibly helpful in my walk with Christ and in making sure to read Scripture every day. 

I am on week 2 and I am on track (by the grace of God alone). I use my physical bible but I use the app to track what I read and to read it to me aloud while I read it on the pages. (That is also helpful if you have a tendency to get sidetracked or your eyes bounce all over the page. 

One thing that doing the bible in 90 days (for someone who has not read through the Bible completely yet) is reminding me that things with God do not always make sense to our human minds but that He is always sovereign. His standard is right, regardless of how we may feel about it. I have to constantly pray about rules and regulations from the OT. Which are ceremonial laws, moral laws, and civil laws? Which laws are we not bound to today and which are we bound to? 

My point is that I never knew I could learn so much from the book of Leviticus or even Genesis for that matter but the Word of God is alive and God knows how to speak to us through His Word.

[livingtoliveforhim]

your story isn’t over

Preface: I really suck at blogging (and journaling, and frankly a lot of things) but when things happen in my life, or in other’s lives that affect me, it really gets me thinking and I find that I process things well when I put those thoughts into words, whether it be with pen and paper, or blogging, or social media posts.

The most recent thing that stirred up some feelings in my life was the passing of Jarrid Wilson. He was a pastor in California. I started following him on social media years ago. I don’t know what platform I found him on or why I thought I needed to follow him, but I did. Since following him, I watched him get engaged, married, attempt to adopt a child, and then have two biological children. I didn’t know him. I never met him, but I felt like I knew him a little bit. He was very open about his struggles with suicidal thoughts, depression and mental illness. I loved that because I was a young person in the church who dealt with mental illness and at one point, I remember thinking that I was going to Hell because “real Christians” don’t struggle with eating disorders. “Real Christians” don’t struggle with self-harm and “real Christians” certainly don’t ever think about ending their own life.  

I truly felt this way at one point so seeing a pastor say that it’s okay to not be okay, I finally felt like maybe the things that I believed were just lies from the devil. Since then, I have grown and matured in my faith. I know that Christ died for me, all of me, not just the parts of me that I was willing to show the world. 

So when I read online that Jarrid had taken his own life, I was not just shocked, but I was upset. I cried tears over someone that I didn’t really know. But I hurt for him. I hurt knowing that he felt that he couldn’t continue to live because of the pain he felt. I hurt because I, too, had felt those feelings. 

But, I just had to see this as a reminder, that the battle, the war that we are fighting in this life is not one of flesh and blood, but a spiritual battle. (Eph 6:12) The devil is alive and well and only comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). But Jesus is also alive and will crush the head of the devil, so we need to rejoice in that. And know that the devil is a liar. 

You are important. You are valued. You are loved by the Creator of the universe. Your story isn’t over; tomorrow needs you.

[worshipgifs]

“I know the plans I have for you,” announces the Lord. “I want you to enjoy success. I do not plan to harm you. I will give you hope for the years to come. Jeremiah 29:11

[wnq-writers]

The prettier the garden, the dirtier the hands of the gardener.

B. E. Barnes (via kvtes)

[eniawollac]

[grace--upon--grace]