Around this time in 2017, I went through our first miscarriage. That moment forever changed everything about me. I wasn’t the same person, I wasn’t the same wife. I couldn’t see past the hurt for a severely long time, I felt crippled by loss of something I never got to fully have. On top of the terrible loss, I had to do the absolute hardest thing in the world by not only telling my husband, but telling him over the phone because we were just a few weeks into our first deployment.
I had to wait by the phone till he was able to call me. Those phone calls are rare & few. So when you do get a call, you want to share all the wonderful things you’ve done since you last talked.
We didn’t get that opportunity.
I fought back tears while he was telling me about all the things he’s done. Finally I stopped him mid sentence, I couldn’t wait any longer. I finally said, “I had a miscarriage, I’m so sorry darling. I’m so sorry.”
I felt like such a disappointment.
The silence that followed seemed like an eternity, but I couldn’t think of anything else to say other than to repeat how sorry I was for something I felt I caused.
Finally when he spoke, the first thing he said to me was, “no, I’m sorry. I should be there for you. I’m sorry I’m not.” We didn’t speak, we just cried. We stayed like that till he was finally told to get off the phone.
Days passed until the next time we were able to speak again. My mind raced with the worst thoughts. I was afraid I’d lose him out of disappointment. It was such a difficult road to mental recovery; I don’t think I’ve ever recovered, I don’t think I ever fully will. Miscarriage is trauma.
Miscarriage is depression.
Miscarriage is dark.
Miscarriage is real.
But despite all of that, the amount of love Chris showed me was amazing. Ever since then, he has come home with a single flower on Mother’s Day for me. He sees me tear up sometime son public when I see a family with a newborn, so he’ll stop whatever it is we are doing to hug me & tell me a silly joke to make me smile through it. When I talk about the NC families I became so attached to & those sweet kids, he would tell me how excited he is to see me love our own kids as much as I loved my NC kids.
I am so blessed to have this man. As hard as it has been for him, he sets that aside to help me through my moments where I can’t help myself. He lets me cry when I need it, he lets me grieve when I need it. But he also is there to help pick me up when I can’t do it alone.
Mother’s Day is always a heavy reminder of what happened to us. But it’s also become a reminder of how much I’ve grown. & I owe that to my loving husband. This Mother’s Day is the first one without him since it happened, & I have no idea how I’ll keep myself together. But it’s just another milestone we will reach together. As long as we can continue to go through this together, I….. WE will always be okay.
I love you, C. What a weird & wonderful world we share, but I couldn't be traveling through it with a better person. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me & for us mi amor.
titsay
annaxmalina
andulkaphoto
baratheonpilled
vaporwave
blakekathryn
dailybridgerton
germansingergirl
jacobvanloon
romaincrisis
tangentwithtanner
