Just A Divine Being Having A Human Experience

Yet another gay poetry blog. (18+, I’m 32 so PLEASE no minors. I do sometimes post NSFT poetry) !!!Trigger Warning!!! If you aren’t in a good headspace this may not be the place for you. I follow back from @visrightfist

[ljfpoetry]

Steam fills my bathroom

The mirrors fogging

My own voice reverberating

Off the walls

Music so blaring

I can hardly hear

So I sing louder

Without fear

There’s a spot reserved

On my left side

Of this queen size mattress

A spot to my right

Reserved for a fluffy companion

Who use to be as timid as me

We both can now

Rest more easily

The anger that fills me

When life becomes overbearing

Or societies faults are too glaring

Seems much less vitriolic

Now more tapered and ephemeral

Breathing through the stress

Is at last, manageable

Calmness is filling my core

The cracks that have long been

Webbing through and around

The entirety of my heart

Have begun to change

Hairline cracks are mending

Gold is filling larger spaces

It may not ever be truly repaired

But it certainly feels whole

Smiles linger for longer

Crows feet have begun

To show at the crease

Of my Hazel eyes

When the corners of my lips

Reach up to greet them

They are gently welcomed

I smile harder

Looking back at the past now

I no longer dwell and mourn

The present is no longer

Agonizing and anxious

The future is something

I no longer fear

I look forward to every second

Now that I have them near

I’ve found my home at last

In green eyes and hands clasped

In loving gaze and passionate embrace

In whispers and boisterous laughter

In tears and everlasting nights

Between the sunrise and sunset

My world feels vibrant

With them, I feel radiant

-ljf

[ljfpoetry]

Inhale;

A balloon trying to inflate in a small cage of steel

It can only fill so far

Never enough to inflate

To stretch the rubber

A bicycle pump trying to inflate a truck tire

Trying it’s damnedest but getting nowhere

It’s little bursts of air

Never strong enough

To lift the heaviness

There will never be that feeling of fullness

That release of strain

The influx of fresh air

Of calming coolness

That sense of light ease

Exhale;

An anvil pushes down as the air escapes

Threatening to snap and collapse

Each twig of rib one by one

Until it crushes everything in its path

Almost certain destruction

Claws or talons string and sharp

Yet not sharp enough to puncture

Though strong enough to keep hold

Forever squeezing, pushing, constraining

In the chest’s innermost core

Will there be a time the heavy eases?

To move with feather steps

Dancing along the wind streams

Carrying this body higher and higher

To walk amongst the clouds?

The most difficult task

Depression will always bring

Is that of simply

Breathing

-ljf

[joytri]

[ljfpoetry]

The truth about how I feel lately - If I’ve told you I’m fine, I lied.

I’m not sure where these waves of depression, inadequacy, and detachment are coming from. I know I’m in burnout. Everything, even little tasks, feel huge and like they’re too much. I need rest, deep rest.

I need to lay in sand listening to the ocean. I need to escape to the woods and listen to nature. I need to pretend like this little brick in my hand doesn’t exist and there is no one out there waiting for my response or waiting for me to do something. I just need to live. Truly live.

My job is draining the life out of me. I don’t feel comfortable around the coworkers I’m stuck with. I’m exhausted from having to put on a happy face and pretend like everything’s fine. I have so much more potential inside of me aside from killing my body to put money in someone else’s pocket. It’s causing this deep unrest in my soul because I feel trapped. No other job I can currently do will feel any different. I need to go to school. I need to get out of this industry. I need to help people. Not feel used and unappreciated and judged.

I have no desire to talk to people these days. It’s so much work to keep up conversations. Small talk feels like torture. Friends who check in on me I can’t even tell them the truth of how I’m feeling because I just plain don’t have the energy in me to express it all. I’m so fucking tired. I feel like my whole life I’ve just been so fucking tired. I need a really long break. I really really do.

I feel disconnected. I no longer post on tiktok, when I do I see everyone watching but no one interacting. Even close friends. There’s no point to any of it. It feels like a place I’m no longer supposed to be and Everytime I try to be there I feel like the elephant in the room. The one person that walked through the door that nobody wanted there. I don’t have the energy or the words to uplift people on there like I use to. Without that I have no purpose being a creator on the app. At least not right now.

Grief really…. Changed me. In some good ways and in some ways nobody can understand. Not even me. I’m not the same person I was two years ago. I need people to stop acting like I am or expecting that from me. I’m learning to navigate my new brain. My new emotional state and responses. All while being so ungodly burnt out that I just want to crawl into a cave and disappear. There is a void inside of me that can’t be filled. It can’t be seen. I just feel it. It’s heavy. It makes it hard to breathe. To sleep. To push through the days. My body no longer lets me cry, not more than a few tears. Whenever it does let me cry it’s so hard for so long I can’t move the next day and my eyes hurt so damn much I can’t stand it. A lot of the time I feel like I have to fake my own emotions. There are times I should be sad. Angry. Scared. Yet I feel nothing but I have to make it look like I care when people come to me with whatever they’re going through. And I do care. I just cant FEEL anything. I no longer know what to say. Or how to help.

I need like a years worth of rest. I need life to allow me to rest.

[ljfpoetry]

Your insecurities are not mine

When you begin to heal

Peace begins to weave

Thin strands of gold

Into your being

It goes unnoticed at first

Until light hits it at the right angle

And you see it glimmer back at you.

You start to noticed

How much calmer you are

In situations that use to bring turmoil

Or unease and unrest.

You no longer see yourself

As a one man army

Facing thousands

Instead you see yourself

As a whole being

Standing strong and tall

In this chaotic world you are a pillar

Strong enough to withstand

The harsh gusts of wind

That push against your chest

In hopes of knocking you down.

You listen to understand

Not to apply hurt to yourself

Or others

You recognize things that are yours to hold

And also things that are not yours

You no longer take those that aren’t yours

And make them yours

You are at peace with knowing

What things are yours to work on

And what things are for others

You realize that you do not have to fix

Everything and everyone

With your own hands

You only need to work on yourself

And you are the most important piece

You are only responsible for you

You are only responsible for you

You are only responsible for you

-ljf

[ljfpoetry]

October 18th

All day long I’ve been trying my best to wrap my head around the fact that it’s been an entire year since you died.

An entire year of grief and how it changes you as a person

An entire year of wishing I had more time with you

And entire year of fighting the guilt I know is not mine to hold

An entire year of trying to convince myself I did everything I could

That I did everything I was supposed to

That I did everything right.

An entire year of constant aching deep in my chest

An entire year of having a void in the pit of my being

A void that cannot be filled or covered or ignored

Sometimes it just sits menacingly

Other times it’s all consuming

But always, it is there

I wish I could hug you one more time

Watch one more movie with you

Play one more game of chess

One more car ride

One more adventure

Just one more day.

I love you, Mom.

I miss you.

[ljfpoetry]

The longer this body lays on this couch

The more I know it’s not getting up

I need to shower but my legs won’t move

They’re screaming and aching

“Just let us rest here”

My head is loud

So are my surroundings

My music not drowning out the sounds

Of the bar downstairs

Or the thoughts in my head

I turn the hair dryer on

To help combat the noise

It’s dulls things to a static

Which is somewhat better

But I feel myself slipping

What an off comfort item

Everyone surely thinks

But the hair dryer brings me instant warmth

When my body and soul are cold

And instant white noise

I think I really might be sleeping here

Right on this couch tonight

My bed is too empty

My shoulders and neck tired of being in pain

I just want sleep

My body wishes for other relief

As hard as I try it just won’t come

I wonder if putting on that movie

Would allow the tears to break through

I’ll probably try, at least

-ljf

[ljfpoetry]

I’ve laid here long enough

With tear stained eyes

Watching my blank

White walls

Turn from bright light

From the sunlight

Coming in from

My bedroom window

To a void white space

In a darkening room

As the sun dips

Under the horizon

Soon it’ll be dark

And the room will feel emptier

In the shadow

How long have I been here

In this bed

In my head

In this spiral

That only ever seems

To quicken

As the time goes

Sometimes days

Feel like years

And years

Feel like seconds

She was just here

I remember just being there

Yelling those same words

In an empty living room

After the nice man

Came to take the hospital bed away

I remember sitting

On the empty floor

Knowing the next morning

She’d truly be gone

I remember how empty I felt

How I still feel

I remember how heavy I felt

My whole life

Leading up

To the unfortunate end

I wonder

Will I ever be that me again

Who was he even

To begin with

I know I’ve changed

For the better

But he’s still inside me

Screaming for anyone to hear

I don’t know how to help him

I keep making decision

That I think are for the best

But I don’t really know anymore

I’m just trying

My best.

-ljf

[ljfpoetry]

(CW/TW: grief, death, emotional trauma and abuse, etc.)

How am I supposed to breathe, with you still sitting on my chest?

Living with grief

Grief of a mother

Who would sooner

Guilt trip and gaslight

Than to comfort and soothe

Is like playing Ocarina of Time

You know

That part where you’re fighting Dark Link

And every time you try to land a hit

He blocks you

And when you finally do land a hit

And you think you’ve won

He just spawns back

Except with grief

Dark Link never leaves

He keeps respawning

There is no end to the fight

You’re locked in combat

Inescapable

Unwinnable

My thoughts can never be positive

When I’m constantly having

To fight off all the emotional abuse

All the mental abuse

The obsessive controlling

The yelling

The slaps to the face

Having my nose shoved in a Bible

Being unable to have friends

To live my life

To be myself

Living with this grief

And the trauma

That came with her death

And the months leading up to it

Is like holding your breath

In hopes of suffocating

But then gasping for air

When you realize

She suffocated to death

And you remember you don’t

Want to go out that way

You just want the flashbacks

To stop

You want to remember the good things

But can’t

You want to miss them

But there’s a sickening peace

Without them

And that makes you feel guilty

It makes you feel like you deserve

To fight like this every day

But the truth is you deserve

To live your life

I deserve

To live my life

To be myself

Unapologetically

-ljf

[ljfpoetry]

I miss you

That’s it

That’s the poem

I just miss you

I still have all your photos saved

Look through them from time to time

My heart aches

Still

I love you

Still

I miss you

Always

-ljf

[visrightfist]

Need Help Paying Debts To Afford Necessities, organized by Levi Folsom

Hey, my name is Levi and I'm raising money to pay off my credit card debt so… Levi Folsom needs your support for Need Help Paying Debts To

I’ve found myself in a REALLY bad position and desperately need help paying off some credit card debt in order to free up some money every month. I literally cannot afford to feed my cats, feed myself, or put gas in my car. ALL of the money I have coming in goes directly to bills I can no longer afford anything else.

Please please please reblog this. It needs to circulate in order for me to get help.

[visrightfist]

There’s also other ways to donate that don’t take a cut of the donations in the linktree in my profile description

[visrightfist]

Posted another update to the fundraiser but reblogging this again because I’m absolutely still struggling. As always there’s a linktree in my bio that takes you to the fundraiser and to other ways to donate. As well as my other socials and my tiktok.

[visrightfist]

Need Help Paying Debts To Afford Necessities, organized by Levi Folsom

Hey, my name is Levi and I'm raising money to pay off my credit card debt s… Levi Folsom needs your support for Need Help Paying Debts To

Another update.

I’m so tired of all of this man. I’m tired of having to come onto the internet begging for help. I fucking hate asking for help. I hate not being able to fucking take care of myself and my cats all because a company fucked me over and refuses time and time again to take fucking responsibility for ruining someone’s fucking car and thus their life for the foreseeable future.

I don’t like having to come in here and shake a fucking tin can begging for pennies. But in this economy and my current work schedule it’s all I can fucking do now.

I no longer have the car to give as evidence, I can’t sue because of that and because I don’t have the time and money to put into it. None of the feee legal services can take a case like this. I’m fucking done. I’ll accept the loss and just suffer until I get to a better standing. Fine. That’s just life. Shit happens.

I have a new goal of $2000 right now. That’s enough to pay off the credit card that is currently effecting me. Every month it gains a ridiculous amount of interest now. Which in turn in raising my monthly payment substantially. Which means that within the next few weeks I won’t have enough money anymore to afford all my bills. Right now my paychecks only pay my bills and sometimes I’m lucky enough to have a little over $100 left over. But that doesn’t go far when you need gas and food for two weeks as well as cat food for three cats who have dietary restrictions and one that needs medicine twice a day.

I need help. I need reblogs. I need shares. Likes do NOTHING. I know not everyone can donate and I don’t expect it. I don’t. We’re all hurting financially in this economy. But it literally costs nothing to hit a couple buttons in a post. And it helps. Scrolling past doesn’t.

Ca$happ: $LeviJames30

Venmo: @LeviJames30

PayPal is in the link in my bio. All of these are also listed in the GFM.

[ljfpoetry]

Breathe

I smile with my eyes closed in a dark room

The sound of his deep breathing

Coming through the phone

I calm at the core knowing he’s sleeping well

After such a hard week

My body relaxes

Knowing I’ll see him soon

As long as his body lets him

Get out of this funk

For all I want

Is for him to feel better

I feel myself drift off to sleep

As his light snoring begins

I smile wider

Hold my build a bear tighter

Place his flannel to my nose

Even though it’s lost his scent

It’s the soft moments

That make me fall for him

Ever deeper

I can’t wait to be in his arms again

Him in mine

Kiss those sweet lips

Fall asleep with my ear against his chest

The soft thumping of his heart

Lulling me to sleep

This

This is peace

This

This is love

-ljf

[illbeyouranchor-deactivated2024]

You didn’t know it, but you had quickly became a pillar in my mind

Something I would measure everyone else I met against

Simply by demonstrating true care and consistency

And even though there were oceans between us

Our interaction had changed me deeply

Because for the first time in a while

I didn’t have to break to learn a lesson

[ljfpoetry]

Remembrance in purple hues

Hair clippers hum

My left hand softly guiding your head

As I follow the lines

Through your golden locks

It’s funny how moments like this

Can often be the most intimate

Catching glances in the mirror

Trying to concentrate

But you always have me in a daze

Watching you emerge from the shower

My brain becomes fuzzy again

Glistening from the water

Your eyes on mine

And again across the dining room table

Eating a quick dinner

I prepared earlier

I just keep thinking

“I could get use to this”

Violet lights sparkle

In beads of perspiration

Adorning fair skin

Eyes connect

Electric

Bodies one

Anxieties faded

All there is now

Is two hearts elated

And love, elevated

A light blue hairbrush

Now sits to the right

Of my bathroom sink

A new toothbrush to the left

Small bottles of shower necessities

In the corner

More and more pieces of you

Making themselves a home here

My home feeling more like one every day

The true one though

Is in your arms

-ljf

[ljfpoetry]

M.L.

Opening my phone

I feel a lot like

I’m standing on the balcony

Looking out at the dark night

Hoping to see you float by

Sleep has been hard again

Dark circles make home around my eyes

Pink hues turning gray

I hope you’re okay

-ljf

[ljfpoetry]

It’s when I think I’ve finally kicked it out, it comes back.

Weight.

Difficulty breathing.

Anger slowly coming to a boil without a heat to do so.

Entertaining the thoughts of disappearing.

As if no one would miss me, because I somehow already don’t exist.

There’s never a reason for this that I can pin point.

My inside feels empty yet somehow so full and twisted up.

Bones ache, flesh cold, muscles tensed up.

I just want to sleep.

Chest so tight breathing becomes a chore.

I reach out, but to what?

A tethering thread of solace hanging high from the rafters that I can never reach?

I don’t know.

I just wish for peace.

-ljf

[crucifiedlovers]

“Then the rain came, like stammered kisses at first on the back of my neck. I unfurled my fist for the rain to caress with its lips. I turned up my face, and water flooded my mouth, baptised my head, and the rainclouds gathered like midnight overhead, and the rain came down like a lover comes to a bed.”

— Carol Ann Duffy, “Rain” from Rapture