Monterey Bay Aquarium
Show & Tell
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Kiana Khansmith
NASA
tumblr dot com
Sade Olutola

ellievsbear

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Origami Around
trying on a metaphor
hello vonnie

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styofa doing anything
sheepfilms
YOU ARE THE REASON
KIROKAZE
Today's Document

titsay

JBB: An Artblog!

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@llama-neeson
I Might Have Found A Discrepancy In The Shrek Universe.
So you know how in Shrek 2 during the most amazing cover of all time Mongo was born?
Yeah. Well, I was curious to see how long it would take to actually bake, cool, decorate, and make alive a Mongo in real life. Would Shrek and Gingy have enough time to save Fiona from Prince Charming and the Fairy Godmother with Mongo at their side?
Here’s how I figured it out.
So Shrek is originally seven feet tall.
But when he takes the Happily Ever After potion, he shrinks a bit. Let’s say… a foot. Shrek is now six feet tall. That’s a good, measurable number. I drew it out in proportion to Mongo here:
So from his shoulder to his mouth, Mongo is about six feet (I added a bit extra here because Shrek is bent over a little because giant gingerbread monster footsteps can be jarring and you need to brace your body for impact). Now, I couldn’t find a full body picture or character model of Mongo, but I could find one of Gingy. They do have the same proportions.
Here’s the model I used. He’s a bit bent, but I made do. Using MS Paint again, I measured about six feet on this model if it were Mongo sized.
Now using the line tool, I measured the space between the two lines and made new lines according to where the space ended. Here’s the final result:
So this is about 12 lines worth of space. The top of his head didn’t make it another six feet, so let’s say it’s three feet. Plug 12.5 and 6 into the calculator in and…
Mongo is 75 feet tall. Add that to your fan wikis.
Now let’s look at Gingy’s size. We need to know how many Gingies make a Mongo. Looking at the picture again, Gingy is a little smaller than Shrek’s head.
So if we look up the size of the average head, we get…
About nine inches. Let’s just say nine. Nine inches is 0.75 feet.
It takes 100 Gingies to make one Mongo. Assuming Gingy is the same size as an average gingerbread man that Muffin Man makes, let’s assume further and say he’s an average gingerbread man.
I found this snip from this recipe by the Food Network. Since Gingy is nine inches tall, we need to tweak this a bit.
If my calculations are correct and I’m not a fool, each batch makes four cookies. We would need 25 batches to make a Mongo. That’s 75 cups flour, 25 teaspoons baking soda, 18 ¾ teaspoons ground cinnamon and ground ginger, 12 ½ teaspoons ground allspice, ground cloves, and salt, 6 ¼ teaspoon milled black pepper (for whatever reason), 25 sticks of butter, 6 ¼ cups of room temperature vegetable shortening, 12 ½ cups packed light brown sugar, 16 2/3 cups of molasses, and 25 large eggs! Jesus, now the Muffin Man’s in crippling debt. And that’s just the cookie part!
Assuming this humble, gentle soul makes his own icing, he would need 25 pounds of confectioners’ sugar, 50 tablespoons of dried egg-white powder he would have to dry himself, and 150 tablespoons of water. I feel so sorry for this man.
Not to mention, Far Far Away can’t possibly sell gumdrops that big, so he’d have to melt them down, build a giant bowl of some sort, wait for them to solidify, take them out as to not damage them, and sprinkle sugar on them before animating his giant, expensive monster.
The melting point of gumdrops, I could not find. But I assume they have a slightly higher melting point than, say syrup sap. And it might also stick horrifically to any pan. So we need an open flame, like a bonfire, and we need it hot enough to melt the gumdrops inside of a big enough bowl. Something like pictured here from Little House In The Big Woods:
So we would need one or two of these set up. Thankfully, our boy Muffin Man lives in a place with quite a few trees.
They are a little ways off, though. Chopping one down, getting chains to propel the pot up, and starting a dangerously hot fire as well as stirring quite close to it would take for ever. And melting that many gumdrops would take forever. So would cooling them.
Now onto the actual bake time. Shrek does take place in what I presume to be Midevil Germany, judging by the architecture, clothing, and art style in the books. Though it has many modern conveniences, such as fast food and concert lighting/sound systems.
So I assume that even a somewhat seemingly poor/lower middle class single baker dude can afford a good oven. Let’s say this type of oven.
Now this is a pretty small oven. How could Muffins possibly create a 75-foot gingerbread man with this small of an oven? It’s impossible. He would have to bake him piece by piece, then somehow paste him all together. And he wouldn’t see a single penny of his back breaking work! Shrek never paid him, and Mongo ended up a soggy mess in the bottom of a river anyway, so all of that time, energy, money, work was all for nothing!
And no, I’m not acknowledging Shrek The 3rd.
Anyway suppose he did paste Mongo piece by piece. How long would it take for him to bake each piece? Let’s look at his model again.
Splitting up the model into head, upper torso, mid torso, left and right arm/hand/leg/shin/foot, and lower torso, we get something like this:
These can sit in the oven more easily. If we break it in half it would be easier.
There we go. If we make twice the amount of icing we need, then we can paste him back together, like Humpty Dumpty.
Wait…
It’s almost as if Dreamworks wanted someone to do this. Huh.
Anyway, going back to the Food Network recipe. How long does it take for a Mongo to cook? According to the article, it’s about ten minutes. So let’s just say ten minutes. Multiply that by 25, you’ve got 250 minutes in the oven, or a little over four hours to bake an entire Mongo.
It takes 5 minutes to cool a batch. so that’s 150 minutes, or a little over two hours. That’s six hours to bake and cool a Mongo.
So about saving Fiona…
It’s not happening. An oven like the one Muffins has cannot be hot enough to bake it and make it cook enough to not burn nor be raw in enough time to still get to the castle and save Fiona. Especially after mixing each batch, making the giant gumdrops, icing gluing, giving life, baking time, and cooling time. Just by estimating, mixing all that stuff together could take, like, an hour at the most. Plus the gumdrop issue; I wouldn’t be surprised if it took two and a half hours. Don’t forget giving Mongo life. I would expect another two and a half hours since an electric spark of Mary Shelly proportions can be made in a somewhat modern home with the right equipment, but Muffins probably has to make/go out to get the right equipment. (That’s how I remember Mongo being alive correct me if I’m wrong).
Add all of that up, and that’s 12 hours.
TWELVE HOURS.
That’s over 202 times of playing Shrek’s cover of “I Need A Hero.” That’s like playing Shrek 2 in full over eight times. Basically, Fiona is doomed and Shrek should have used a carriage ordering service.
TLDR; Shrek 2 is impossible and Mongo takes a lot of time and effort to make.
Why tf does this not have any notes I spent four hours of vitamin water-fueled procrastination on this and not a shred of acknowledgement. Unbelievable.
commission for @snowyartemus
Rowlet and quality jiggles
Fun story: in maya if you don’t locate the jiggle to a certain part it jiggles all the body. Not in a cute way
He’s just having a good time
rowlet off the shits
shlob shlob shlob SHLOB SHLOB SHLOB SHLOB
choose your fighter
How do you explain to someone that this is your sense of humor
I was wondering where this was going and lemme tell you I fell out of my chair
Faces behind the comics
BONUS! Hyperbole And A Half — Allie Brosh
This is so surreal seeing the actual artist
They look so much like their characters
in m. night’s movie they replaced actual Chinese characters that were readily available and shown in literally every single episode with gibberish nonsense that is also high key ugly
here’s the link to the the OP
They weren’t just inaccurate to the show, they went out of their WAY to be as inaccurate in general as possible. Dammit, M. Night.
why you should build a treehouse in minecraft
they’re cool
they keep the monsters out
you can build them on jungle trees out of pretty jungle wood
they look fucking epic
good view
they’re cool
This seems like some pro-elf life bullshit
Allow me, your local dwarf advocate, a moment of your time to consider Caves
Dig'n'done
Lots of stone
Cold, damp, and cool lookin
Torches REALLY pop deep down
Like the Earth is giving your home a hug
It’s called Minecraft not Treecraft
Thanks for attending my TED talk (Totally Epic Dwarf)
Ok, BUT cliff houses are where it’s at.
Scenic view
Also out of reach of mobs
Can create a waterfall to go to and from
Can glide from the top to feel like a badass
Allows for surveying surroundings to find waypoints and check for safety
Acts as a beacon without using a beacon
Perfect view of clouds
Just don’t fall.
You’re all forgetting the true ultimate in minecraft architecture, the humble Dirt House, whose benefits include
•Dirt
•Grass sometimes
•Use dirt to block up the door and keep shit out
And here we have in order:
Elf
Dwarf
Human
Halfling
Today is Jonathan’s 130th death anniversary.
@staff are you fucking kidding me right now?! You’re limiting text posts to 100 text blocks (aka paragraphs). What the absolute fuck.
Since you couldn’t take out fanfic writers with the purge so you’re just fucking up formatting for text posts until they leave? Is that your plan?
Would this count as a text block?
100 is a lot unless you write a lot of dialogue. I wonder if just linking fics on my word press would work because god damn this site is making things difficult. It’s like they’re trying to have people not use it.
I’m so over this shithole
Does Tumblr just have it out for Fanfic writers? Is the Tumblr staff secretly Anne Rice or something?
Heads up writers
@kittenofdoomage @captain-rogers-beard @siren-kitten-his @angryschnauzer @maeve-curry-writes @deandoesthingstome @impala-dreamer @outside-the-government @star-trekkin-across-theuniverse @plumfondler @blacktithe7 @supernatural-jackles @impalaimagining
FFS you’re joking me?
@noona-clock @xtemptaetionx @bisexualstevierogers @5sosdrfluke
yeah I noticed this, and I completely hate it lmao because I do write a lot of dialogue and I write small paragraphs for easy readability ): I might have to post everything on AO3 and just link it on here :/
Well, this is the new tea and I hate it.
Gettin’ real tired of your shit, Tumblr.
@staff @support
FUCK YOU @staff
Welp. So this is a thing now.
The title apparently counts as one line since it wouldn’t let me go past 99.
Seriously @staff ????
IMPORTANT EDIT
EVERYONE CALM DOWN!!!
I tried this on desktop and did not hit a limit. It looks like a limitation of mobile posts.
I didn’t bother going past 543 because ain’t nobody got time for that, but there is no 100 block limit on desktop. You’re just going to have to post your fics on your computer or through your mobile web browser instead of the app.
Please reblog this version of the post so that people don’t totally freak out
omgggggg
ImM GOING THROUGH MY ARXCHIVE AND I FORGOT ABOUT THIS IM GONNA CRY
THIS IS IMPORTANT
this video changed my life. I’ve never been so touched. nothing better has ever happened to me.
@not-easy-being-green124
WHAT A WAY TO START 2019, KEEP IT UP OMG
I CAN’T FECKIN RUN!
Glad to see Loca making her rounds. Her Youtube channel in general is worth browsing, some good songs and funny videos on there.
@upperstories @fiddle-dee-dee777
Loca passed away a few years ago, so let’s keep this video and thread going in loving memory of a sweet pug who couldn’t feking run.
Shitty au where everything’s the same but Danny took one look at the portal and like any smart person decided not to go in, so his “ghost form” is just him wearing a bedsheet. He still fights the ghost coming through the portal he just isn’t half dead. Everyone in Amity Park is always trying to figure out who the person beneath the sheet is. His parents are still trying to kill him
You don’t want to know how hard I’m laughing
Here’s a shortened version of the classic song, for those who don’t have the time to listen to the whole thing.
I feel like I just got run over by a train.
It leaves you wanting so much more.
i laughed at this so hard i got hiccups
This is such a rollercoaster
Much bad luck
Not to be dramatic or anything but this is the funiest thing ive ever seen
Mark the electrician has been here for five minutes and he’s already said “well that’s…weird” twice from the other room and frankly I’m afraid to ask.
It’s not good when skilled tradesman are standing in the middle of your room pinching the bridge if their nose, is it?
Mark just referred to the wiring in our bedroom as “creative” and “interesting”.
This is fine.
And now he’s taking apart the ceiling. I’m not worried, are any of you worried? I’m not, haha, it’s not like this house was previously owned by someone who would do something stupid like try to wire their house themselves…or store tins of varnish under the furnace behind a secret alcove…
Ha ha…
Ha.
Hm.
Fuck.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO NEUTRAL WIRES??!?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S GROUNDED INTO THE SCREWS HOLDING UP THE CEILING LIGHT???!?!!
This post crosses my dashboard every so often and every time, I’m reminded of when I discovered that my whole house was grounded to a gas line.
Good times.
and there goes brock, WHAT THE FUCK