[depression-took-over-my-liiife]

[llavenderayss]

You won’t ever care like you use to, all the messages in the morning, even before you went to sleep, gone. All the times you told me I was your dream kisser as you set your lips on mine and kissed hard while smiling after, gone. All the times you held me close and kissed my shoulder, cheek or forehead before squeezing me tight to let me know I was yours and you weren’t letting go, gone. You now message as if we’re strangers, you hug me goodbye but only as if we just met, you don’t look at me the same, you don’t smile or laugh the same. You don’t care for me, you say you were always there for me if I needed someone, but you weren’t, an hour would pass before you even got back to me, I’d be dead by then. You wouldn’t even message me unless I messaged first. I was all in even when it all went messy and downhill, and you? You left me on my knees wondering why I wasn’t good enough for you, even after smothering me in kisses and complimenting me every 2 minutes. I should of held on to those moments longer. I wish I did. Because then I wouldn’t be wishing for them now.

[llavenderayss]

I don’t know what hurts the most. The fact that I won’t ever have a chance like I did before with you again, or the fact that she now has it. Or worse, she’s doing a better job at keeping you than I did. She’s not fucking it up.

[acetoxy-deactivated20151215]

[llavenderayss]

It’s nearly been a year and I’m still like this, it’s shit, it doesn’t even hurt, it’s like a disappointment because I hoped and hoped but yet I knew I had to give up but I didn’t want to because I could see something and knew he was the one. I never gave up, I didn’t want to, everyone was telling me to but I didn’t wanna. I cared so much for him and he didn’t even know how I spoke of him or thought of him. He won’t ever know either 🙇🏻‍♀️

[llavenderayss]

It’s hard isn’t it.

Letting go. The memories, the laughs, the smiles, the little touches, everything. It may not be a lot but it’s the little things that count and trying to find someone new while you’re getting over someone old, it’s hard.

You’re worried you’re not going to find anyone who did the things he did, who gets your humour or makes the same stupid jokes, the one who doesn’t touch you like he did or holds you the same. The one who isn’t the same height, or doesn’t have that smile that sets butterflies off in your stomach.

It’s scary, you think of all the things he has that you know someone new doesn’t have all because. It isn’t him after all. You’re looking for another version of him when it just isn’t the same because it’s not him anyway. But yet you try and find that one thing or person to take your mind of him but it never works, and it won’t, because you’re so hooked on this one person that you can’t let go of the one thing that isn’t worth it or doesn’t want you to see how someone new can treat you so much better and give you butterflies for different reasons.

For the way they kiss you. Pull you in. Touch you. Smile at you. Compliment you. Message you. It will all be worth it. Just trust the timing. Because this timing wasn’t right. And you deep down know that. You just don’t want to admit it.

-to me, from me.

[must-to-be-perfect]

[llavenderayss]

I hate you. I really do.

I mean I know I don’t but there’s just something I despise about you. Probably the fact I can’t have you. That’s what I hate. Which then makes me hate you too.

[llavenderayss]

I sat there looking at you thinking, “how can you leave me like that? How can you speak to her probably how you spoke to me? The hearts, the kisses, the compliments, the I miss you and can’t wait to see you texts” I don’t understand it. What did I do?

You said I was too clingy and expecting too much but what was I suppose to do when you told me you liked me back? You would’ve told me sooner when I was telling you I missed you and wanted to see you rather than you telling me the same back. Girls get like that because they feel safe and secure and feel some comfort in knowing that they’ve got a pair of arms to fall into when they’re not feeling the best, or had a bad day, or just need a hug, or just want that persons comfort.

Well I hope you enjoy her. I hope she gives you what I possibly couldn’t when I would have been willing to give you everything and even looking after myself unlike past shit. I hope she treats you well. Actually no. I wish you happiness in yourself and hope you become more confident and less insecure, but at the same time I hope she does things or you hear or see things that remind you of me.

Like when she compliments you or makes a joke I hope you think of me. When you hear my favourite song, I hope you think of me. When you see my Instagram post, I just know you will regret what you lost and miss me. I may be boosting my ego but I’m getting through losing you by thinking you’re upset about what you lost.

You may not regret it or miss me now but I know you will later. I know she will do things you’re not comfortable with but unlike me she may not understand. That’s when you’ll realise how much I respected you and cared. She won’t understand the little things about you like I did and you’ll have to explain yourself over again after half a year of speaking and sleeping with me.

I’m becoming better, happier, mentally and physically and it’s ever since we stopped talking, so Thankyou.

[overcalm]

your loss

[llavenderayss]

Sometimes I’m happy, until it becomes dark and the sadness hits me when I least expect it.

[llavenderayss]

Used and abused

It wasn’t until you told me you were speaking to someone else I then realised, so when you said you liked me, that was to just get what YOU wanted? That was to fool me into falling for you so you could have someone there when you clicked your fingers? Someone to just dedicate all their time and effort into you even when you showed you didn’t care?

Thankyou. Thankyou for not only teaching me a lesson but for fucking my head up more than before, even when you knew what I went through before and never wanted me to go through that again, even when you said you wanted to just be friends and not hurt me yet never treated me like just a friend and ended up hurting me anyway.

Am I not good enough? Why not me? Why her? Did I do something? Was I too immature? Was I too much? You’re making me question myself and worth when I only just had it built up again, so fuck you. I’m done writing over “the new man I was led with” when I just got over my ex. Now I have to get over you too.

[susleena]

[llavenderayss]

Lost and Confused

I sit there, waiting. Waiting for that fucking 2 hour long reply as usual, waiting for the short conversations that were dragged out, mostly because I was making the effort, waiting for the compliments, the kissy faces, the kisses, the emojis, fucking everything. Predictable is what you are.

You may be FUCKING OLDER BUT I FEEL MORE MATURE. You can say these beautifully written words that I never use, you can have perfect grammar and spelling, but when it comes to how you really feel. You don’t even fucking know.

Sure I can sit here, list off every name I could call out, list out every reason why I should HATE YOU..but I simply can’t, because I’m not a bitch. Unless you want me to be then FUCK YOU, you fucking confusing piece of shit who never makes the effort, who says you care about me but never once even shows it, never once even tries to make efforts. Who also says I’m this, that and everything else yet also says it to other girls, someone who also fucking doesn’t realise how fucking confusing they are.

One minute it’s fucking peachy, it’s lovely, it’s a nice path of friendship because I realised nothing would come out of it in the end, nothing my poor heart hasn’t dealt with before, nothing she hasn’t bled, cried or hurt over. I understand how you feel about yourself, but KNOW WHAT YOU WANT BEFORE. I am sick of being nice.

I’m sick of being the girl everyone walks over, especially to you. I’m sick of being the girl that makes all the fucking effort, especially to you. I’m sick of being the girl that’s always heartbroken in the end, especially because of you. I’m sick of being the girl that’s always too fucking nice and cares too much, the girl that everyone says they care about and love yet never even fucking shows anything therefore leaving her in the fucking dark to take care of herself, ESPECIALLY TO FUCKING YOU. I’ve dealt with worse. You will just be another faded memory soon.

[fucking-voices-kill-me]

[llavenderayss]

I miss you. But I’m not sure if it’s because the person I want to miss me, doesn’t.

[llavenderayss]

It’s not the fact that you don’t like me like that, that’s not what hurts, it the fact that at one point you did. Then your mind changed and you realised you couldn’t anymore.