LonelyFireWolf

These are my Memories.

[lonelyfirewolf]

It has been a long time

Again... I know but sometime ago I Left this blog with that I won't write anything again, but today hits differently.

Being with my fiancée for two and half year, but I feel like I could be happier with knowing it isn't possible and without her even knowing anything.

Currently I'm listening to music I've listened mostly about nine or eight years ago which was time I've started this blog, so in some way I'm looking back to the better times in hope it'll get better again.

One thing is that I don't know how to dance. Even worse is that I don't have anyone to dance with since my fiancée does not dance and I left all my friends that I could dance with kinda forgotten when I was moving from my parents.

Another thing is that I don't have anyone to share this with and I don't want to bother her with it. More like I want the best for her since she it really big introvert.

The thing about that is I want to live this life as happy as I can with this hoping for another chance or life in a way. Like that there will be new life after this one.

One thing I know for sure is that I made a bad thing long time ago which changed my life and life of one another person due to how I felt back then. Now I know it was bad and that I acted emotionally.

[lonelyfirewolf]

I’m really back once again!

It has been a few weeks since my last post, but here’s another, ‘cause today I have bought tickets for opera. And I’m so happy and looking forward to it.

So next time I’ll write probably about how was it, but before that I’ll have to solve a lot of things such as transportation of what we’re going to eat.

That’s all folks for today.

[lonelyfirewolf]

I was about to give up on this blog for some time now, but this week I was on a trip to meet old friends of mine. They’ve charged me with energy again, so I feel like old me. It is a good feeling since for a couple of months I felt like I’m loosing my mind/life/time.

Maybe It is time to write about what really had happened. Basically everybody knows about this pandemic thing and so our school was done mostly using lessons on the internet. Plus I was working on my car, since it had to be repaired. I took the extra mile and it is now blue and in really good condition. But during this school and work I started to feel depressed. Again.

But now I hope things will change.

[lonelyfirewolf]

Winter is here,

the time of a year I hate the most. And the only thing I can think of right now is how my life changes and specificaly about that one moment that made me write here about 5 years ago.

It was Hey there it’s seven forty in the morning. And I was at high school, but now it’s more like “half past one and I’m at sort of coledge in the middle of exams.”

I wish there was that seven forty time in my life again.

PS the photo is view from my bed room and from inside it doesn’t look that bad as it is outside.

[lonelyfirewolf]

Well, I began to notice that sometimes I’m not hiding from the world. But mostly I try not to face my own feelings, because I fear they will hurt me.

[lonelyfirewolf]

Today I've remembered about my best surprise yet.

It was three years ago on Christmas when my exgf brought mistletoe so we could kiss under it.

Oh yes, it was sweet. There was something to it.

Happy Christmas to everyone.

[lonelyfirewolf]

Maybe i should start writting

This thing flashed through my head. And i thought i will start a new blog as my own therapy thing, cause i don’t really want to go to therapist. And also i don’t think it will fit right here, but on the other hand it fits here, since this blog is about my life and since i haven’t written here much in the past couple of months.

Well where do i start? Probably i should start all the way in the begining. I’m guy from small vilage, ever since i think like 3rd grade i was bullied, it has changed when i got to high school, but not that much. Few months before i started to go to high school i created this blog. I called it photoblog back then, because i posted there only photos, but that has changed quickly since i had the need to express myself more.

When i was about 15 i started beeing depressed as i dindn’t have much friends, or just simply anybody to talk to. So the freshman passed quite quickly. And I wanted to get a car but at this stage i was young, but since i didn’t had any money i knew i have to find some kind of a job. I have found a job for the summer, but i knew i will have to make much more money if i want a good reliable car. So the summer ended and school has started, after a few months I got a new part time job. And then every thing changed, but that is for another time since that would make this extremely long of a writting.

[lonelyfirewolf]

Sometimes i got the desire to tell everybody to fuck off.

Dunno why, but that just the way it is. And also i’m feeling sorry at the same time even though i don’t say it most of the times. It’s like hell.

[lonelyfirewolf]

My first ink

So after about four years I got my first ink and what else it could be than a wolf. Because it is my favourite animal and also spiritual animal (or one could say totem animal). And finally I got it.

[lonelyfirewolf]

Somebody, please tell me. When there will be another storm, so it will be lighting for better days. Cause I'm too tired of this.

[lonelyfirewolf]

Passing time

For such a long time I was always thinking about how time passes. Every time I come to work and sit at my desk, and it felt like same me, same day, like the only thing that changes is the date I wrote into e-mails.

But today I discovered that this is all my own fault. Because yesterday I did also some work at home and changed few things, and did some clean up. And today I feel like it is not same day, same me.

So the thing is, as long as I will be productive doing something that will get me something to remember. I will feel better.

[lonelyfirewolf]

For so long time I’ve been thinking about love and how I never gonna love like I did for the first time. Because I think it has changed me. Like I do like other things than I usualy did. And how I act differently than before. But since I’m different now, I don’t think I’ll ever love like before. Like there’s some kind of wall around my heart (like the one Pink Floyd sing about). And also I don’t see love in the same perspective like before.

[lonelyfirewolf]

Okay, I wrote last time, that I’ll keep you posted on my room reconstruction and it has been almost two weeks. But the work itself is quite intensive plus I have stuff from school to do. So finally here you go, here are few photos and I’ll add more once this will all be done. 

[lonelyfirewolf]

Thoughts

For last couple of weeks I’ve been thinking, how my life changes for instance before I wanted to love and be loved by someone. But since this is so hard these days I refuse to do it. And I don’t know if it’s just me being a moron or simply it’s easier to at least try something.

Also now I regret that I’ve had such poor childhood and teens because of where I live. Like I had a dream and those who know me well know that I wanted a house with garden and wife and kids. But this have changed, because now I want to live new childhood and teen years. Maybe I’m thinking this because how I’m getting older.

Little disclaimer at the end... for a couple of days I will be painting my room, yet again so look forward for new content ^^

[lonelyfirewolf]

I don’t really have any photo to add, but I know it has been a while since I wrote something last time.

So the situation for me is I have some work to school to do and meanwhile of that I also print some face shields od 3D printer with my friend to help fighting the COVID-19.

Not much else is happening. Only that a few friends write me sometimes. But I still do feel lonely.

This evening I tasted some good wine while I was watching Career Opportunities, which is a good movie to watch. And also it feels different to watch “romantic” movie while you are a bit drunk.

[lonelyfirewolf]

COVID -19 Quarantine

Well it has been two weeks since they closed our school. For the first week or so it was ok but then they forbid us to come to work so I lost every piece of my activities and now I’m stuck home. I haven’t been in town for a week now and I will go nuts soon.

At least now I can talk to some of my friends trough internet.

Also I watch a lot of shows on Netflix, But I still don’t know what to do, I have so much time.

[lonelyfirewolf]

This week really fucked me up!

It begun as standart week.. I went to school, then part time job and in the evening home. But the Tuesday kicked in with the information that school is canceled for a few day as measure so COVID-19 spreads less throughout Czech republic, so I’ve though “Okay so we now have holiday, well now I can spend more time at work and still have enough time for everything else”, also I texted my friend if we can go out tomorrow. Things went okay and on Wednesday me and my class mates did lunch together, after I went out with my friend, it was wonderful time again. But as time went Thursday starts I’m at work and new information spreads out from out government that our state comes into emergency, with this they stated all sport places are now closed, all cultural events with more than 100 people are cancelled, pubs and restaurant will be opened only during daytime etc. So my little anxiety kicked in. And finally today new information was published that all pubs etc. are closed, only few shops are open and it’s better to stay at home.

And finally my reaction to this. 

I’m really f*cked up, I’m trying to be calm but inside I’m scared. I’m scared about what will come next, and I don’t wanna loose my friends. And the fact I’m in love with one of them adds a lot of scary things to my head. I wanna see her hug her and make sure she’s alright.