"this is an unhealthy hope"
full warning for those who know me and those who dont, this written piece talks about heavy subjects personal to me and probably maladaptive thinking.
a few nights a go i had a disturbingly vivid dream. this happens often more than i would like, but right now i just need to put it somewhere.
the dream starts with facts, that i am as i was the night it happened. then it brings something absurd to the reality. these types of dreams for me at least, are very hard to become lucid. the absurdity it brings into the world is that technology has come up with something that was unnamed in the dream but well known for its purpose. a program you could be nominated for that allowed you to see into another version of your life.
i was nominated. but you could bring moral supports like friends and family up to about six to join you to comfort you, interact with the other version, and general moral supports.
i had brought my boyfriend and a few friends from school to join me. most expect to see themselves if they went to a different school, studied a different major, made different friends. something only slightly different from their life. in the dream as i watched it unfold i knew only one thing was going to happen for me.
me and my friends arrive at the office where the program is being held. we check in at the desk where they promptly bring us all to a room which is pure white aside from a desk, computer, and chair. the far wall being a misty reflection of ourselves. this wall assumably is where you'd get to see the other version. one thing is on the computer. an interactable map layout of the other version's room. i sit in the chair and start scrolling around to get a feel of how their life is. they seem happy. content. i note this verbally to my friends while they critique it looks like a more cleaned up version of my depression room. though, that isnt my room. i dont recognize what house that is. i do not say that part out loud. again, and again, and again, things are missing in this room. stuff i dont recognize, art pieces i havent made. clothes i havent bought. i brush it off, easy to do when you understand how choices can be different depending what point in time they were made. thats what i say to myself in my dream at least. one thing i cant seem to find, my giant pink dumbo octopus plushie. i say nothing to the group. but i keep searching, thinking, maybe its somewhere else in the house that i supposedly could have lived in. but i know thats wrong.
for context, my giant pink dumbo octopus plushie isnt actually mine. and if the rightful owner of it could say anything in the matter, it would never have been in my possession to begin with.
my dream knows this. and the realization finally becomes too much. i start crying, to the shock of my group. to them, they dont know the importance of that plushie. they assume, maybe, i was attached to it as a child and perhaps it was destroyed in the other version. my boyfriend, alerted by my sudden burst of emotion, consoles me. though up until this point he wasnt really paying attention. he looks on the computer to see what could have had me this reaction, to find nothing. through laboured weeps i manage to push out the plushies name," burzum",
named after the music project by varg vikernes. this genre of music is not mine. i dont listen to norweigan black metal. i dont know who mayhem is, or who euronymous or pelle is. i only know someone who does. did. someone who is not here.
at first, my boyfriend searches on the map of my other version's room. assuming the same as i did, "maybe hes in the living room, maybe hes being washed, maybe hes at my house". at this point my friends are getting worried. they dont know. i keep saying to myself. and then the realization hits my boyfriend as well, he knows. he knows what this means. he starts crying.
a cool feature of this technology is that you can chat with the other version. though, everything is tightly knit in a way that needs full consent of both parties. the paperwork you do before going in properly is access to a digital relay of your room. thats how you are introduced to the idea of what the other version's life is like. everything after that uses a request method in order to proceed. my mind likes to bring in the "what if?" questions a lot in my dreams. while grieving a loved one i see the other side. my dream version of me, stuck in the world as it is now is not met face to face with the other version. i however am. it felt like i left my body and peeked over the wall. and he was there.
the other version and him had been lazily looking around my crowded room. poking fun at the fact i was still living at home. searching more, they found it. they saw burzum cramped into the wall and the bed where i sleep. to put it obviously, they were weirded out. making up scenarios of how he got there. maybe we started dating for real and burzum got caught up in the breakup? but that would also mean he probably broke up with the person who bought burzum for him. but you know what. i feel bad when the other version had found the altar. items of importance that otherwise would have not been in my possession. it slowly started to click. the other version could only look at him endearingly. but he didnt understand yet.
i knew. we knew. on the other side of that wall was a reality neither of us wanted to face. one of grief, and one of hope. did it matter? he typed on the computer requesting to see eachother face to face. a reason only known to me, it was denied. then the other version requested the same, this time it went through as a valid entry. now covering the screen of 'me as i am now' computer, a request to "lift the veil" as it was called. my boyfriend reaches to answer yes. knowing me, i simply could not let myself see that. the first i had moved from my fetal position on the chair was a confident 'dont' type of grab. "we need to leave" . through my dream seeing eyes, the request was denied. not by the other party but by the whatever company was holding this program.
"other party has resigned from program. you can no longer interact through the whatever program. other party has given consent to view lifestyle, social media, electronic history, medical history, achievements, and whatever is left."
this means that 'me as i am now' left the building without making further appointments to visit or interact with the other version. though as a lesson gave permission to view how their life is. they wont know if the other version looks at any of it. they will never go back there again. they remind themselves that the program is a two way full consent technology.
the hope here is that the other version, along with "him" will see how their lives could have been changed forever. that maybe "he" will think twice. this is an unhealthy hope.
