Lost-Beautiful-Soul

From my lips & finger tips

[lost-beautiful-soul]

Unwanted

Sexual rejection is the worse kind of rejection there is. Nothing like “I don’t want your body” to make you feel like an ugly, unwanted woman. Now a days in my relationship I feel like the lonely dog alone in the back just waiting for my owner to come feed me. I’ve never stooped this low in my pride, nor have I had to be desperate for affection and intimacy. Talk about degrading your own self-esteem…..

[lost-beautiful-soul]

All Choked Up

I have too much to say, so much that I am choking on the air I am inhaling, just to even have the ability to process it all. I used to take pride in saying I wasn’t “jaded” from past relationships, but in this moment I now know I was only lying to myself.

I thought that just because I never adopted certain “trust issues” from all the times I have been cheated on, that I walked away from all those damaging romances with a clean slate- Wrong… I do have issues, maybe not ones defined with all the cliche’/inspirational quotes, but issues that developed from those who did me wrong. I can’t say I can 100% trust who I’m with, maybe 80%, however I do lose sleep over the 20%. I don’t think he will “accidentally” fall into another woman’s bed, or change a female friend’s name in his phone so I won’t catch on, no in that 80% mentioned earlier, I trust he will not cross the fidelity boundaries of our relationship. I also trust that he will be where he says he is, and that I won’t have to decipher/decode his where-abouts like some jig-saw puzzle; after all playing the role of Inspector Gadget was never my style. But I see it now, like a magnifying glass, I see all the cracks and chip marks, where words, sticks, and stones have been thrown. Not even my make-up artist could deny or hide them. I am guessing that it’s time for me to swallow my pride and eat some humble pie, yum! Now that I have taken a drink of some self-truth I can now address the frightful, anxiety starting 20% of the equation in my relationship, GULP…. *deep breath* I don’t know if that 20%, gnawing voice, portion of doubt, that eats away at my thoughts will ever be conquered. I don’t need a Prince Charming to slay a dragon for me, nope I just need help overcoming that  fire-breathing 20%…. That beast alone is why I will always expect you to leave me when times get rough. Help me be convinced that I am not too complicated to love, and that you do understand me. I don’t just need help with some bills here and there, or need you to pay for my nails and hair (no hunnie I can do that on my own) What I can’t do though is be my own emotional rock. The nights I come home and take off my smile I have worn all day, slouch in my bed, and cry because of how alone I feel; that’s when I need rescuing the most. Shiny armor or not I need a strong embrace and an open/strong mind over a handsome stud with a drawn sword.

There is no ghastly beast, only my own insecurities, and fears of being rejected. I’ve been told I wasn’t good enough too many times, I’ve been beaten, I’ve literally have watched all my savings dwindle away for the sake of “love”. I am not a soft, feminine type of lady. I am ready for a battle everyday, my anxiety keeps me on my toes, and I am always on the look-out for the emergency exit; disaster is just around the corner. When it comes to intimacy that’s when it’s gets ugly, that’s when I am most vulnerable. In my mind being turned down,or told things could be better absolutely crushes me. I. fear. rejection. Tell me I’m beautiful everyday, hold me tight when I fall apart (even if you are dead tired), and find the beauty in what I think is my ugliest moment. Then love, you may have been the one and only to slay that 20% dragon….

[lost-beautiful-soul]

Having an addict for a brother, feels like having a sibling on life support... Late night calls & texts spark all anxieties and you're too afraid to answer as if the reason is that they are pulling the plug...

[lost-beautiful-soul]

It's been a while, so here it goes...

You may not admit it or even acknowledge it, but you have days where you place me on an emotional island alone. I can see you in the distance, but you are not present along side my frustration. I bottle these thoughts up, write them in a note, place them in the bottle, and toss it into the waves. There’s no promise it will hit your shore or that you will even read what my heart has bottled up. I try to talk about things, to the point where I yell just so you can hear, you take it as I’m angry and igniting a canon. I only want to tell you how I feel, how you make me feel when I’m alone and trapped inside this head full of thoughts and a heavy heart. My intuition is strong, I know when you are bothered. What bothers me is when you don’t reach out to me either because of your pride or your too afraid to speak. You have the ability to tune your frustrations out, shut your eyes, and fall asleep. I however am lacking that trait and will stay up throughout the night plotting a remedy for the issue. As I wake up exhausted with a run down mind, you raise from the bed refreshed like nothing occurred the day before. I could cry and plead for you to speak, then again you might think I’m just emotional and that my eyes will never be dry. How do I reach you? How on some days are you so close I can feel your heart beat and then other days you’re so distant I have to feel your body to make sure you’re still with me? You shut me out and you cannot deny it that’s why you sit by yourself, tapping on your phone, puffing a cigarette without a single word slipping from your mouth. You’ve rehearsed this before, you’ve ran the play many times, you know exactly what to do when opening up needs to occur. I can’t help but feel lonely like its just me and I am just all in my head. It’s as if my emotions aren’t valid and their reason for surfacing are uncalled for. I only get a quick blank stare from your green eyes as you take a quick break from your phone. I need you to know I’m hurt, I’m sad, I feel neglected and I only want your attention…. But even if I told you, the outcome wouldn’t change. I have never had this many conversations with myself, not even when I was single. How am I nowhere near an emotional resource? Why do I feel like instead of my emotional needs being met that they are being eroded away like the sand from the shore? So what am I to do? If I speak you don’t, if I yell you shut down, and if I ask you, you stare like there’s no issue to address. I’m lost, lost on this island. I’m sure when you’re finished sailing your seas that you will come back around, like you always do, and remember what a treasure you found when you fell in love with me.

[lost-beautiful-soul]

I don't think you will ever know just how alone you made me feel... I am sure that after the 11 months we were together, I have endured enough sexual rejection to last me the rest of my life.

[lost-beautiful-soul]

It's okay to not be okay... This social stigma that our anxieties and depression can disappear with a pill, is nothing more than the thought of those with small minds.

[lost-beautiful-soul]

Let me loose

Some days I have the need to escape the proper reality, the force of tolerance, and the expectations for manners. My wild side calls, as bad awakens my dreams with riskier times. Have I traveled to a better path, or has every interesting vibe in my body evaporated? I lay here bored, stale, craving penetration of deeper thoughts. Where is the electricity in life? Has my source of power failed? With time I've grown and matured, yet along the way have absorbed the blander parts of the environment. Let me our, let me yell at the top of my lungs, cuss like a sailor, and move my body in ways that make your temptations seem holographic. Yes I am a lady, but I want to uncross my legs, smoke my camel, and dance to an urban melody. Someone cone shake me from this state, before all the memories of crossing boundaries, withers away.

[lost-beautiful-soul]

This Emptiness

Trying to grab on to this non-existent possession, this emotion that has sat on my shelf for years. You came along, reached high, to shake all the dust that had made my once “happiness” its home.

[lost-beautiful-soul]

You're Mine

I am sitting here, staring into places I’ve never seen before. I am fueled with jealousy, but it is all in your past, and I too have a past. How I wish I could be your only adventure, your only road trip, and the only that you have ever said those 3 little words too. To calm myself down, I think that the others were just preliminary, that their love was barely budding, and not mature enough for a heart like yours. How is this place I’ve never traveled to causing a lump in my throat that I cannot swallow?  I have never felt this jealous before, nor have I ever been this territorial. I don’t want to picture your lips on anyone else’s, but mine. The very feeling of your biceps holding tight, should’ve been reserved for my chest only. I want to be the most beautiful woman, not girl, but woman that you have ever been with. I want to be the one that you fall the hardest and deepest for. I want to steal your last name, and any other piece of you are willing to give. I am in a distraught mode of selfishness, and I am not willing to share in a any way. This may be the only part of immaturity that I bare, but I will own it proudly. You are mine, not like an object, or a pet, but like a glorious prize that I have won. One that profoundly sits in a glass case, for all to see. I am proud to call you mine and will declare it everyday. Then my head starts to cool down; it's you baby, you are only mine. You make my heart melt, stamp a permanent smile one my face, and take my breath away when you steal a kiss. Your actions prove so, yet why do I fret at the pictures from your past, or the catty and flirtatious comments you get from another? I don't have to stand guard and fight for your love in a duel; you climbed the tower to rescue me and win my heart. I am not battling a dragon, I am not in a match for your affection, no. You came near me with your loving heart, open arms, and hands that prove they will never let me go. I tell myself “keep your guard down Amber, do not sound the alarm, ring the bell, or call for the army.” You have approached me with tenderness, that melodically calls for my heart and wins my soul over. At this very moment I realize that I am in love with you; I have fallen for you. I want to protect myself, but not push you away. So I will remain calm, settle this hurricane of emotions that stir in my chest. You are mine, you are here, and you say you love me too. All is well with you my handsome…

[iglovequotes]

Daily dose of love quotes here

[lost-beautiful-soul]

This quote pierced through my heart!

[letlove-be]

True

[lost-beautiful-soul]

No amount of money could purchase what my heart truly desires.

[lost-beautiful-soul]

Love Dehydrated

I will just pour my soul out like an overflowing cup, on this bare floor making a mess of my emotions. While you carelessly say I have no control of them, I will show you just how great of an amount I’ve held in. Maybe once it rises, and your feet are wet with my saturated thoughts, then might you see the weight of the burden my heart has held in. Even if the level peaks at your knees, your dry an porous heart will suck every inch of what my love carried like it was nothing more than a cool drink for your tongue.

[letlove-be]

[lost-beautiful-soul]

Sigh... If only. Could you hold the weight of it all?

[smileslovesyou]

[lost-beautiful-soul]

But do I have the capability to change that?

[missinyouiskillingme]

[lost-beautiful-soul]

& just you...

[lost-beautiful-soul]

Nothing more than You

I could listen to you voicemail more than a hundred times a day. I catch myself daydreaming of laying in your arms once more. The sensation of your lips on mine still lingers. Nothing between us, not even the sheets, how is it that I feel so free? For once my mind is empty and I have no care for anything but the sound of your laugh. I'm holding back my thoughts, while hoping my body language somehow recites them. Can you feel the electricity in your skin? Have my unspoken words penetrated your mind as my hand slides across your abdomen? I try to ponder on things other than your smile, but I can't. Your pull, that attraction you hold keeps me holding on and keeps me craving more. Seeing your name on my phone, I flash a huge smile, one that causes others around me to wonder. I am happy! So damn happy! Say that I can have you again and that this time it will be for good. I want to know the thoughts that flood your mind, I want to hold you when you're weak, and I want to be the one to make you smile. Do you wake up with me on your mind? Do you find yourself thinking of me many times during the day? If you don't know, I'm yours. I want to be yours; hold me, kiss me, & tell all your friends about me. If you only knew how emotionless I have become, then you would see just what flames you ignited when you kissed my lips, caressed my skin, and held my hand.

[lost-beautiful-soul]

Just let me sweep my palms across your skin once again. The caress is pressed deep into my memory and senses. I want to go back to that moment again as I gazed into your eyes in the minutes after. We were careless, you were in my arms, and I was yours.