♥Lost In The Spectrum.™

Yes, I'm autistic and I know it. We're all one huge support group. | Artist | YouTuber | Blogger | German & Finnish |

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Do you know? #1

Me: Do you know these days where you doubt in your personal value? You help and support people where ever and how ever you can but it seems that you're never getting this kind of support back and these people are yelling at you instead? Calling you mean names when you ask for help? I do. It sucks. It really feels like not being loved or respected or ... cherished.

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Autism and the Pandemic

Hello Folks,

 man, it’s a long time ago when I wrote my last post and I am so sorry fort hat. Besides my depressions which make me feel down and usually too upset to get things done there is this one other annoying thing which got a huge infuelnce on my everyday’s life and routine: Corona.

 I know, for sure you’re – like everyone else – fed up with this sh*t. We want our normal life back. Having parties and meeting people without taking care of distance and how many of your friends you’re allowed to see. We are done with these long, almost never ending queue at our favorite store and we are missing the drinks at our favorite bar. In general no one of us actually wants to hear anything about Corona because this thing is literally everywhere.

Yet I really want to write about it.

 I’ve once seen a post about autistic people and their life with the Corona pandemic. The title of it was (translated into English): 

“The Lockdown hits autistic people at most” 

and I began to wonder if this is really true until I started to notice that also I seem to have issues with this pandemic. It was also a topic in an Autism-Facebook-Group where loads of autistic people wrote about their experiences and feelings about the pandemic. And everyone of them got different things to say – which is indeed interesting and somehow surprising. So I wanted to tell you all the experiences and thoughts of different people with Autism about the current situation and how these people feel about it, how their life and days are going lately and of course I want to tell how I feel about it too. If you’re so fed up with this Corona thing and you’re like ‘Aw come one, there is a report and talk about it in the television and radio every f*cking day, I don’t need it here too!’ ... feel free to ignore this post and enjoy some other ones in maybe other blogs instead. Because this post definetely got Corona.

 Autistic people are usually known for their introvert personality and the fact that they prefer being alone and for themselves instead of spending time with other people – so far they even know people to actually hang out with. Many autistic people told that they cherish the social distance and the fact that not so many people are allowed to be in a market or store at once. Additionally they tell that they couldn’t be happier with their current job because they’re in home office at the moment, which makes them feel much better and less stressed. They can focus and take their time to get things done. And I am not gonna lie: I totally believe in this. Especially the fact that people are not allowed to shake hands for a greet seems to make many autistic people smile because body contact is a usual issue people with Autism have. And guess what: even people without Autism prefer this. I’ve read in the internet that about 86% of the people who were asked would like to dispense with shaking hands and greet people with a smile and normal ‘Hello’ instead. Even 61% of the people who were asked would prefer to wear the mask while traveling by bus even tho the pandemic is over. This fact surprised me at most but at the end: I would prefer too. Wearing a mask in the bus isn’t a problem for me and this protects you not only of Corona but also of many other diseases you don’t want to have.

In contrast to many people without Autism, autistic people have no issues with giving up on events, parties and meeting their friends and other people. They have no problems with using social media and video calling apps instead, yet there are also autistic people who feel incredibly bad about it. Just like I do. Writing with other autistic people I also got to meet some who feel lonely and even depressed because of the pandemic and the fact that they’re not allowed to meet people (friends) or go on special events. These people mentioned that they usually love being for themselves but only if they can decide for themselves too. It feels stressy and depressing for them to know that they’re told to not meet someone or go shopping and visit stores just for fun instead of being the person who decides to give up on all these things. In addition the pandemic seems to have messed up the everyday’s routine of some people. Many things got changed because it didn’t make sense to keep this routine when you got other times to work and you’re forced to plan and organize everything differently now. Autistic parents have to teach their children, do home schooling and take more care of their kids than usual – because usually these are in Kindergarten or School – and this exhausts them pretty much. That does not mean that they don’t love their children and never want to have them around them but few hours to be for yourself and get things done is always good. Other autístic parents do have a job without home office at all and if their children are told to stay at home because of the pandemic these parents are getting exhausted and stressed by looking for a person to take care of them. All these points are a burden for the psyche and for the finances.

 Other issues these people were talking about are for example ‘wearing these shitty masks’, because some autistic people are high sensitive and have got bigger issues to take a breath. But that’s surely just one of  many other problems we have with the pandemic, right? Which problems do you have? Do you even have any? Is the lockdown a curse or a blessing for you? Feel free to write a comment! Hopefully I see you at the next post!

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That’s how depressions look like.

[we-love-gaming]

We’ve all been there!

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Additional disorders and conditions with Autism

Hello Folks,

 there I am with a new post about the Autism-Spectrum-Disorder. This time with a special post including experiences by other  too.

Today I’ll talk with you about the several different diseases people with the Autism-Spectrum-Disorder have to deal with in addition. And as in every other post of me this post is all about each single person who told me about these things. Not every autistic person got the same following additonal diseases, yet there are many of them having the same disease in common. I’m not talking about one or two people having disorders etc. besides their Autism. I am talking about srsly at least 10 people who told me and confirmed that they suffer because of following conditions too. And after talking with these people about it for a longer time I figured out that autistic people usually suffer of other diseases because of their, in general, special condition. Let’s start the topic so that you know what I mean.

 1st Depressions: Autistic people often suffer because of depressions. It is a disease which appears srsly often, not only with autistic people but also with people without an Autism diagnosis.

Autistic people (A-typical, Aspergers, Kanners, Highfunctional etc.) often become depressive because of their “different being” and “odd behavior” which seems strange to other people and makes Autists feel incredibly bad and lonely. Especially at school, in childhood or as a teenager, people who hardly know a thing about Autism find autistic people odd and do hesitate to get to know them as well as people with Autism got issues with even getting in contact with their class-mates, even tho they’re the same age. All I personally learned is that children and teenagers can be rude sometimes. These young people are seeking for a group to belong to, for friendships and contacts or a membership in a certain group so that children or teenagers (without knowing the consequences for their behavior) tend to bully people who seem different than others. This is unfortunately because the influence of other kids at school seems stronger sometimes than the own social moral. So people who are different, like autistic people, often get bullied or at least  by their class-mates which causes Depressions pretty easily. I am one of these bully victims too. So I know that this is the sad truth.

 2nd Borderline: By watching people with autism you can probably tell that having autism, having this different kind of view about life, is kinda similar to a borderline disorder. Autistic people tend to get a so-called ‘melt-down’ (an extrem kind of overload and mental break down) which makes them often hurt themselves (self-harm). Hitting and biting themselves is for example what happens the most when these people are having a mental break down. Also most autistic people do only have either a black or white “sight”, things are either very bad or very good. There is hardly something in between. In addition people with autism are getting angry and stressed much more often than other people, which is also one of the symptomes for Borderline. Talking to other affected these people also confirmed to have a borderline diagnosis in addition because their behavior and symptomes do not always appear with Aspergers (o.e.). Yet many of them do have it: Asking in a post in a facebookgroup I had about 30 replies, 10 of them told about their borderline disorder. I’ve probably got it too but I have no official diagnosis.

 3rd Mutism: Probably you’ve heard about it. It is a condition which makes people mute. They do not talk to anybody and sometimes they don’t talk at all. In some cases these people talk to only special people with a special meaning in their lifes but most of the time people with Mutism suffer from not being able to talk at all. That doesn’t mean that they are literally mute. These people just can’t say a thing and struggle with letting a single sound out, even tho they know they could and even tho they’d really like to.

 4th Marfan Syndrome: “a genetic disorder that affects the connective tissue.[1] Those with the condition tend to be tall and thin, with long arms, legs, fingers, and toes.[1] They also typically have overly-flexible joints and scoliosis.[1] The most serious complications involve the heart and aorta, with an increased risk of mitral valve prolapse and aortic aneurysm.[1][5] The lungs, eyes, bones, and the covering of the spinal cord are also commonly affected.[1] The severity of the symptoms of MFS is variable.[1] “ (source: Wikipedia) I needed to copy and paste the definition of this disorder because I have NEVER EVER heard of it before!

 5th Irritable bowel syndrome: A widespread condition involving recurrent abdominal pain and diarrhea or constipation, often associated with stress, depression, anxiety, or previous intestinal infection. As I have already told you on the top autistic people tend to depressions and anxiety. In other posts I also told you that these people tend to get stressed pretty easily and also often which is the reason why those people suffer of horrbile pain in their stomach. I have also read in the internet that medicals once examined feces by different people who suffered from these issues and many of these people had an Autism diagnosis. Also I do often suffer of horrible pain and long sit ins on the toilet, really often in combination with hard sweating and feeling sick most of the time. I have thought that I might have an intolerance to lactose or else for a quite long time... until I had days without any kind of stress and I had no sort of pain during these moments of peace.

 6th High sensitivity: As I have already mentioned people with Autism are mostly high sensitive. They smell, hear and feel things much more extreme than other people which is why they often need sun glasses ot noise-canceling-headphones to survive and make the day. Not every autistic person is that sensitive tho. Some are even good at dealing with these stimulations. Yet it is a disorder or disease most of these people suffer from.

 7th Giftedness: You might think “Wait a minute, what is so bad in being gifted and super smart?” Well, a lot. Have you ever felt so unchallenged that it almost makes you depressive? Have you ever made experiences with people who are jealous on your gift and hating you for only that so that they tend to bully you? Have you ever felt upset and also depressive because you know what exactly is going wrong in the world while other people hardly think of it and focus on other things you can’t focus on because they literally bore you to hell? Have you ever had problems with finding a perfect job because even the most interesting and difficult job seems to easy for you? And have you ever felt lonely not (only) because you are different but also because there are hardly people you could talk with about tricky things and every normal conversation freaks you out because you find it dumb?

Those are conditions I know and heard of, there are much more for sure. Idk what you think but I think it is incredible to see what kind of conditions other conditions can bring. Maybe you recognize yourselves in this, if so: Let me know, as always!

[lost-in-the-spectrum]

If you know one autistic person, then you know exactly one. And only one. Every person with autism is different.

Unknown

[iradraws]

🦋🦋🦋

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Prejudices

Person 1: You got Autism? You do not seem like this.

Person 2: Well, every autistic person is different, you know.

Person 1: No, I have got a neighbour and he got autism. I know what autistic people look like and how they behave.

Person 2: Ok then. Hey, you want a peanut-butter salami sandwich with gherkins?

Person 1: Ew, no, what the hell? Who eats this?

Person 2: My neighbour. He hasn't got autism, like you, and he loves eating that. I thought every non-autistic person does this.

Person 1: ...

Person 2: ...

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Asperger-Syndrome Bullsh*t-Bingo

Every disease and disorder has got its bullsh*t-bingo: Things people usually use to say about a certain disease or disorder. So does the Asperger-Syndrome. 1) “You must have been vaccinated as a child.” - Uhm, yeah, I have. Years after the first symptomes, so shut up. Vaccinations do not cause Autism. It is inheritable. 2) “That must be the environmental toxins.” - Interesting thought... 3) “You got it? You do not look like that!” - How do autistic people look like in your opinion? 4) “But you are married/ in a relationship/ have got friends!?” - Do you want to tell me that Aspergers can’t have friends, a relationship or that they can’t even love? 5) “You are not bobbing at all.” - Cause not every autistic person bobbs, know-it-all. 6) “You must be good at mathematics!” - You wish. 7) “For sure you like monotonous tasks.” - It depends, sometimes I am quickly bored by tasks like this. 8) “It is a disability, so you are disabled to do smth or have a normal life.” - A bit offensive. Yes, it is a disability but I doubt that my syndrome really hinders me in everything.

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Just a kid with no worries, Autism wasn’t a thing those days.

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Instagram: helli.t.arts

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“Bee-autiful” by myself, 2020. Instagram: helli.t.arts

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The monster under my bed. The reason why always the other sock is missing. ~ Helli T. 2019, Germany instagram: helli.t.arts

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How did I get my diagnosis for the Asperger-Synrome?

Hello Folks,

I hope you are doing well and hopefully this post will help some people out there with… whatever they need help in.

Today I’d like to tell you the story of how I actually got to my Asperger diagnosis: How did I know that there could be smth like that? How was the assessment? This post could help some people with getting prepared for an assessment like that, it could also help with even figuring out how to get to an assessment like that tho. All things which I am describing and writing in that post is only about me. These are experiences which I made and that doesn’t mean that you’re about to make the same experiences at all. Never mind if bad or good experiences ... don’t let this story unsettle you!

So... Everything started with meeting dad’s girlfriend for the first time. It was after a long search for a place to stay at. I was forced to be homeless for, I guess 6 months – luckily not longer – because me and my sister didn’t come along very well and my mother died 2013 which took my only home away from me. I also had a weird relationship to my other relatives which is the reason why I absolutely couldn’t imagine to live with them. And in addition, I couldn’t expect from the few friends I had that time that they take me to their homes and try to, you know... support me with food and all that stuff. They all had their own problems and at the same time they all haven’t had money either, especially not for a second person to feed.

So I had no other choice. My dad picked me up at my sister’s house and we both drove all the long way to Berlin, where he lived with his girlfriend. The story between us three is very difficult and private. Let’s say it at this way: Living with my mum became kinda impossible for my dad which is why he has chosen an other woman he could imagine to live with. Yes, I know, first I was furious about that decision too but after talking with my dad I could understand his point. Just to make that point clear that there is no reason to dislike him for the choices he had to make, also for himself. Anyway his girlfriend was a hard thing for me. I didn’t want to have an other woman except my mum by dad’s side and in general I was always scared of meeting her because I have never met her in my life before... and she has been in dad’s life since I was about five years old. So when we arrived at their apartment and ringed she opened the door for us. First of all: She didn’t look like I have imagined. I saw few photos of her somewhere as a kid – and thought she’d be only a good friend of dad... I was naive – and on these photos, I think, she looked a bit different. I was a little surprised, she too. But not because she didn’t know that I am coming – she did know – later she told me that she was stunned by my beauty and she was honest and serious about that thought she had. She also told me that she was scared too to meet me for the first time. She actually expected me to hate her by first sight because she knows what kind of role she’s playing in my life. I was nervous of meeting her for the first time but I’d never have been mean to her, never mind what kind of role or position she is having in my life.

We spent some time together, not only to get to know her better but also because I kinda liked her, at least for the first moments we had together. We talked a lot and went up to the bakery to bring some bread for the morning. We have done that together for many times so that I could see where to go and one morning she told me to bring the bread. So I did, I mean, we have walked that way for three times! I should know where the place is. Well, I didn't.

I walked the way I remembered but suddenly the streets and surrounding looked a little different to me. Or no, they didn't. It was the same as before but I couldn't find the way we both walked together. My “inner navigation” was so bad all of sudden, I didn't even know that it apparently was. So I went to the wrong bakery where the bread we always used to buy was a little more expensive. I was so overdone with that that I didn't care. I bought 5 breads for us, two for dad, two for her and only one for me. We all used to have two breads for the morning but I couldn't afford the second one for me. When I came back I told her my issue and explained that I didn't know where to go so I bought the bread in that bakery where I was. I was disappointed and upset and I didn't hide it. I never really do. She was understanding or at least not angry at all, she just said that we can go the way again or she tries to explain me the way. In the next times I found the right bakery but I seriously needed a self drawn map to find it … even though we have been walking there for three times.

Then one evening, she made some dinner- stuffed paprika with beef and rice and a really nice tomato sauce – and we started talking again about the issue I had. She started telling me that she thinks I could have a kind of disorder which I should already have had since the age of at least five.* She asked me then: 'Have you ever heard of the Asperger-Syndrome?” I of course said that I've never heard about that and asked what it is supposed to be. 'It is Autism or at least one of the many sorts of in the spectrum.' First I thought she's kidding me and in fact annoyed that I have got so many issues with things so that she called me like that or seriously thinks I should be autistic because I seem to be unable to do things. I thought she was offending me because all I knew about these people to that time is that they have a special or even strange behaviour. Also I mixed all these people up and have put them in one box because that is all I heard about them. I didn't know better. Then before I could ask if she's serious she already started telling me why she thinks like that: The way I talk, the fact that I never or barely looked in her eyes while we talked, the fact that I had that issue with finding the way which is actually a simple one – yes, it was... - and my talent and passion for drawing comics and illustrations in a really little time and almost totally perfectly. In addition the things my dad told her, how I was as a little kid and that I had problems to find the one or other friend at school as I never wanted to play with other kids in the kindergarten... she told me that all these things are very familiar to her. She is French-, English-, and German teacher and at the same time she worked half time in the school psychology to test children if they are gifted or having special problems with certain exercises and subjects. She has met many children there and some of them where autistic and behaved almost exactly like me. She also told me what's typical for that syndrome and the more she told me the more I recognized myself in her description. I was surprised and confused, nobody has ever told me about that before, no one ever mentioned that I could have it. I was only the antisocial, bad behaving kid – fun fact: bad behaving because I didn't always say thank you to someone – and many people didn't like me for that. She told me that we could make an online testing first before we start to maybe contact someone who's an expert in it. I agreed, what could go wrong? And I really wanted to know.

So, we made the online test which includes some general questions about my behaviour and “attitude” and the result told us: there is a high possibility for me to have the Asperger-Syndrome. It wasn't to 100% sure that I have it but it was a reason to contact that one person who's an expert in it and who could tell if I have. So dad's girlfriend contacted him and made an appointment. Unfortunately I was meant to wait over a year to get an appointment there and to finally figure out what's wrong with me. We didn't want to wait so we paid... and then we had an appointment just one week later.

We drove to Potsdam near Berlin where the person lived. We met him at his house – yes, where he lived and had his private life – and introduced ourselves, told him that we made this appointment with him because we think I could have the Asperger-Syndrome. And then he started to test me in different tasks. First of all I had to answer some several questions on a piece of paper. How do I feel in certain situations, what are my interests and hobbies, in which things I am absolutely not interested in even though these things are normally interesting to people at my age. I also had to watch pictures of human eyes to tell if these are happy, sad, angry or else. Then he asked my father about my childhood and if there was any special behaviour those days. Dad told what the matter was: I haven't had many friends, spent a lot of time alone in my room drawing comics for almost 2 hours because without that I got nervous and also aggressive. I needed this to feel comfortable. I had a strong imagination and fantasy, could create adventurous stories in a short time and when I was little – about 5 years old – I walked around with a little piece of paper or a small straw of wheat and talked to it or had conversations with it. Sometimes I even created conversations between two personalities, some kind of role play and all in my mind. People kept saying that this isn't a point because little kids mostly have a huge imagination in playing but the way I imagined was special and maybe a little odd. He also mentioned that on some days at my age 'now' – so eighteen those days – I've been sitting at the computer for about three hours – on some days less or even more – playing The Sims 3 creating crazy characters and building crazy houses. The way my dad told him seemed worried and I had such a feeling that my dad tried to convince that man to tell me that this isn't normal and I should stop that. But the man didn't say anything about it. He just wrote it down for the results if I've got the syndrome or not. The  assessment was made of talking and answering to questions on a paper including some “riddles” I had to solute. And at the end of it – after six hours including a little break in between – the man told us that he'll check my answers out. He wasn't sure if I really got it but he could tell that he thinks I may got an attention disorder which prevents me to be focused all the time and which makes me easy to get distracted. And so we left the place and got prepared to wait for the results... until today.

Yes, you read correctly: I haven't got the results by that man until today and the appointment at his place was already about six years ago. Getting a diagnosis never lasts that long so we've tried to contact this man for many times. Not only my dad and his girlfriend but also doctors and psychologists later. Never got an answer and never got the diagnosis if there even was one.

Before this the relationship between me and dad's girlfriend got worse and dad and her began to argue really often. I didn't know if this happened more often than I realized and if they already argued before I came around but I felt kinda uneasy and even a little guilty for that. I also have an insecure personality disorder which makes me often and easily think to be guilty in many things even though it's not the truth. The arguing lasted pretty long and I realized it was probably because of me just like I thought. One time I passed their bed room and just by accident I listened and heard what she said about me. She said since I've been there they argue really often and that I might be the reason for it. I felt very bad for it and that situation got worse.

Later my dad apparently decided to leave with me. He planned to live at his brother's place with me as long as we try to figure out what to do next. The late afternoon before we left, dad's girlfriend sat at the table in the kitchen and she was sad, crying of course. I joined her and before I could ask what the matter is – I mean I knew it but yet I wanted to ask – she just looked into my eyes, furious, sad, disappointed, that's what I could tell because there wasn't anything to misunderstand in that look... she told me again, that dad is gonna leave her for me and I just replied that I am sorry for that, feeling guilty and that I never meant to make that happen.

She just said: 'Well I can't take that feeling of guilt away from you. And I don't want to. If I have to suffer, you should suffer too.'

Those words were very hard. They hurt me and made me feel like a huge mistake. I started thinking many thinks because... I wasn't just depressive. I was suicidal. And that feeling got stronger after hearing this. My dad gave me my suitcase and took his own one. We went downstairs and put them into the car. Then we left.

Some time ago I got a kind of 'legal guardian ', a very nice woman who took care of formal things and who also took a look on my money on my bank account. Her job was it to support me with all these things in life. My dad told her about the disaster we were in and that it's an emergency. So the woman did her best and found a place for me to stay at: A 'social psychological' commune for young people with depressions and other conditions – like me. This commune was in Kiel. My dad and I drove to that place for an introducing meeting to get to know the commune. It was a very nice place, the house was kind of 'JugendStil', so pretty vintage but also modern in either way. The educators there and also the Chef of the commune, a woman at the age of about 35 I guess, were totally nice to me. They noticed the emergency and understood why it was so important to me to finally get help. They met me as a very skinny, depressive person who was tired of life and being. I moved there and had finally the chance to be able to build up an own life.

Living in this commune I also found a psychologist there where I mentioned my Asperger-Syndrome which people think I could have. She started to contact the man in Potsdam too, even twice, as did my 'legal guardian '. No success, no answer, neither to the phone nor to the mail address. But it was certain that we need this diagnosis to maybe find the right therapy for me. So my psychologist contacted an other woman who is also making  assessments   like that. She came around one day and met me, started the assessment. But this  assessment was different. This time my dad wasn't there to tell how I was a child. I repeated the things he told the man in Potsdam and answered to some questions the woman asked me. About my attitude, behaviour and so on. Actually the same but without testing sheets. At the same time she had a white board next to her and explained me what the Asperger-Syndrome actually is, how differently 'our' brain works in contrast to people without the syndrome. That was pretty interesting and something the man in Potsdam didn't do. I got tested in it and at the same time  I learned what it actually is. I also gave permission to be filmed while she's testing me. I still have the video here and it's so weird to see how I looked those days. Much more different than now.

At the end of it all she told me: 'Well, you indeed got it. There is no doubt.' I was happy but confused at the same time. How is it possible that a person who is known for  assessments  like that wasn't sure about my syndrome but this woman who got the same knowledge has no doubts that I'm having it?

I then finally got my diagnosis that day and to be honest: I had a feeling that my life would turn into a better and more confident one because I finally knew who I am.

So Folks, that's my story how I got the diagnosis. It's a pretty long text but I needed to tell you everything what happened to finally get the explanation of who and what I am. You see, the way to this diagnosis can be very long and complicated. The man hasn't given me my diagnosis yet until today, there for I got it from an other person at the same day where I got tested and it was obviously clear that I have it.

Maybe you're prepared now if you should ever want to get tested and as I've already said: This is only my story. It could be that you'll get an appointment much quicker than me and that you get your diagnosis just some days or weeks later – not like with that man who has never given me this until today – maybe you also get the result on the same day as I got from that woman. Just be sure and think about these things before you try to get an appointment: Do you really need it because you want to know what's wrong with you? Because you need special help which you can only get if you have that diagnosis? Would it help you or others to understand you? Or do you actually have no issues with it so that it doesn't matter? Think about these questions before you go on a probably exhausting journey as me, prepare yourself and listen to what your heart needs. My heart needed an explanation for my personality to realize that it's not because of me people got problems with my personality. It's because of them because they have never taken the time to figure out what kind of person I am.

Just saying: There are many people who love the way I am. I seem to be a cool person, not as crap as some idiots tried to make me think.

Have a good day, friends! See you later!

[lost-in-the-spectrum]

Being a  matured and experienced 17-year-old.

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What is the Asperger-Syndrome?

Friends of the sun shine…

This is gonna be my very first tumblr post in English about a very personal and important topic I’d like to write about. You see the title and think ‘I heard of that, I know what it is’? Then f*ck you because you don’t.

 First of all: My name is Helli, I am 25 years old and I’ve got the Asperger-Syndrome, now a days also known as Autism-Spectrum-Disorder. I’ve been suffering of bullying, misunderstanding, being let down and being unheard, being treated differently and badly just because I’ve behaved specifically during the spectrum and its issues. I was an introvert, a daydreamer, a comic- and video game geek... especially the last point might be an information where you go like ‘huh, that is actually cool’ but well... years ago it wasn’t. I was a nerd for others and nerds were meant to be uncool and unpopulare for a quite long time. Unfair? Yes, it is. But do you think anyone did care those days? No.

 Anyways, before I start to tell you something about this syndrome – and before I do the same mistake as I did 5 years ago making a video for my German YouTube channel to talk about it – I’d like to mention that all I tell you in this post is only ABOUT ME. Every autistic person is DIFFERENT and not everyone got the same issues or strengths as me. So please before you drop every autistic person in one box which I accidently did in the video I mentioned before, please remember: THIS IS JUST ABOUT ME. Yet I will drop some general informations about that syndrome as well. And maybe you recognize yourselves or other people and friends, maybe you’re autistic yourself then let me know in every possible way you want.

 What is the Asperger-Syndrom (medical)?

It is a profound developmental disorder with issues in social communicating, correct interpretation of facial expressions and gesturing. People with the Asperger-Syndrome are most of the time hardly interested in any topic but create a special huge interest in certain topics. Most of them are, like with me, video games and comics, computer and technology in general, sometimes even different kinds of science or arts. In some individual cases people with this syndrome are incredibly good at mathematics or speaking (linguistically gifted) but at the same time these people are not able to do other simple things. Me as an example: Never mind how much I practised, how good the teacher was, I always wrote bad exams in mathematics even tho I understood what I did in the homeworks before and even in some very simple exercises I do the one or other mistake. BUT even tho I’ve hardly read a book in my life because – I am not gonna lie – books (novels) are uninteresting for me I am very good at speaking, writing, formulating, describing things (...) I am pretty good at articulating myself. So I eventually belong to these people who are linguistically gifted. I can only tell that my dad – a former German teacher – is even kinda impressed about my way of speaking because I – as I have already told – hardly hold a book in my hands. I only remember three novels I’ve read in my whole life and those books where lucky to be interesting enough for me.

 Anyways... those are the main signs and behaviors of people with this syndrome. Of course the Asperger-Syndrome is not the only disorder. The spectrum is pretty huge and includes many other Autism-Disorders. Not only other names but also syndromes with the same name but with some little deviations in behavior and ‘gifts’. So while I have not such a huge problem with maybe speaking with people and explaining them how I feel and see the world (as long as they give me the chance to do so) other people with the same syndrome might have big issues in formulating and ordering their feelings, describing them etc. While I really want to become an educater and work with children and teenagers to help them on the right way – I even want to work in special institutions for people with depressions and other conditions – other people with the Asperger-Syndrome completely avoid people and social contact or at least prefer jobs where they can be for their own.

 These are only some examples for the issues or strengths people with this syndrome have to deal with. Other examples – where I can relate – are these...

Being not interested in other     children as a child and prefering to play on their own.

Misunderstanding things and     informations which are said because these people sometimes have an own way     to say and describe these things.

Being unable to use the correct     facial expressions to a certain feeling as well as misunderstanding them     on other people. – almost the same issue which they have with told things.

Unable to be flexible and     spontanious, prefering to know appointments and meetings at least one day     earlier, even tho it is spending time on the beach with friends.

Mostly having a strict day     structure and plan and having issues to change them.

Sometimes not interested in     other people but in objects. I for example am more imperessed of a note     book having a nice cover than of a handsome man.

Most of the time for their own     and focused on their own life, problems etc. Which you can mix up very     easily with ‘just being day dreaming’ Which seems egoistic to other     people.

Sometimes not even able to show     emotions or at least they have a limited number of emotions on stock.

They often do things everytime     on the one and same way – Much alike this day structure thing – and while     other people get bored very quickly by that people with this syndrom     actually love it to know what’s coming next and that it is everyday the     same. (This is because these people really want to have the ultimate     control on everything they do.)

 Now we come to the points which some autistic people can relate but indeed not everyone of them:

 Having a bad ‘inter navigation’     which means that they’re pretty bad at reading maps, finding a simple way     even tho there are signs and shields telling them where to go and even tho     someone once walked the way together with them. (I am one of them. Other     Autists are pretty good at navigation and geography.)

Reminding information or images     by first sight (photographic mind, like the boy who flew over a city with     a helicopter and drew the whole city down only by viewing it once.)

Being able to solve a mathematic     exercise in their head within 30 seconds or less.

Having a higher IQ from 113 up     to 200, also known as ‘extremly gifted’ (unfortunately not everyone... I’ve     met some people...)

Being very tidy, ordered and     hygenic. (also not everyone. For example me: I am captain Chaos.)

Being very sensitive if it’s     about smell, flavor, feeling, light, noises etc. (I’ve got only some     noises which freak me out and sometimes I can’t deal with the sun light     because it is just way to bright for me. That’s why some autistic people     always use noise-cancelling headphones or sunglasses.)

Having issues with being in a     relationship including love and sex life. (Not me: I have got a boyfriend     without Autism and we come along pretty well actually. We do also fight     like ‘normal’ people. There is hardly a difference. Yet there are some     other kinds of people.)

 There are also autistic people who behave much more extreme than the examples I’ve written down. Some of them still ‘belong’ to the Asperger-Spectrum, others already drift into the ‘Kanner-Spectrum’ which is known as the ‘Autism’ which comes up to our minds when we hear about it. It’s the ultimate image most of the people still have when they hear about ‘Autism’: Swinging around on the chair or floor and not noticing anyone speaking to them: caught in their ‘own world’. Behaving uneasy, having no respect or not accepting distance. Some of them even’d like to touch your ‘private zone’ because they think it is interesting but don’t understand that it is not okay – or even sexual harassment – to do so. Hurting themselves by hitting their head against the wall – for example – if they’re told to do what they don’t want to. In general known as easily provocating people, aggressive and having no control over their own actions.

 This is a completely other topic tho. So if you’d like to have a list with examples and definitions of different Autism-Spectrums, just let me know!

 Now: What is the Asperger-Syndrome for me?

Even tho some ‘

social justice warriors

’ or other autistic people will hate me for that I tell you what it is for me: A disorder and a disability and also an other view of life.

Are disorders and disabilities bad for me? Is it bad and wrong to call Autism like that? No. Why? Because people are used to use these words as offenses or general in a negative point? Sry, that’s not my problem. If these people seriously yell at me calling my own Autism as disorder and disability, because they find it bad and discrimanting - because their definition of it is negative - then those people are discriminating – not me - because they think disabled people with a disorder are negative in some way and that’s why it’s wrong to call them like that. This is discriminating and hurting by these people and they do anything with this attitude except something good.

Autism is a disorder. Autism is a disability. This is a fact and this doesn’t make us to worse or less valuable people than others. If you really automatically think my disability makes myself less valuable to others it means to me that you think it is something negative too and this is discriminating! Never mind how you try to turn it.

 So why is it a disability and disorder besides the medical fact that it is? 1st I am disabled in social communication. Never mind how good I probably am in articulating myself and formulating things, I still don’t now how to start a conversation, how to get to know someone, not even how to meet people. In fact I am even nervous about meeting new people, being in a room with strange new people with whom I am supposed to work closer in future is a bit hard for me. I am incredibly insecure, especially because of my bullying experience.

I hate having small-talk or being unnecessary ‘polite’ ... like not saying the total truth about something and lie a little bit instead to make people not feel uncomfortable which is wrong in my opinion. But that’s how society works. And while people without Autism know how ‘the cookie crumbles’ and they have no issues with behaving like this I feel uneasy about it and as honest I am with my words and thoughts, so am I with my feelings which means that I can’t hide it when I’m feeling uneasy. Society feels uneasy about me feeling uneasy because these ‘simple’ society actions. You see where this goes.

 2nd I have issues with reading faces and recognizing voices. That means I can’t always tell if a person is angry, annoyed, okay or happy and I can’t tell by the person’s voice if he or she is angry, stressed, annoyed, sad, anything like this which is usually also a special key to some kind of social communication. All I can do is ask if he or she is okay or what’s the matter but I have met many people in my life and some of them think that it should be so obvious how they feel that I must be a silly cunt to not notice it. Or maybe worse: they think I don’t care and I pretend to care to make people think that I am a good person but in fact I am ignorant. Yes, that’s what some people once thought of me.

 3rd I am disabled to have a normal everyday life in – for example - summer time when it is hot outside. It’s not like just being done because it’s so warm and I am sweating, no. People who know me well have seen me during hot summer times and I am absolutely useless. I am like totally done, almost dead if you really want to know. In case that I go outside because the temperatures are not too hot and I am able to move in the sun (and because I need food, you know, don’t wanna starve) there is an other problem: the sun light. I go out, the sun and its light burns down on me and suddenly I hardly see a thing, everything I watch shines in a horrible bright light and literally blends me. I need to wear sunglasses for that, sometimes even in the late afternoon when the sun light isn’t that bright anymore. Even then, because my Autism is also a kind of ‘high sensibility’ if it’s about sun light or certain kind of noises and sounds. In addition I am not always able to handle stress and busy situations. Stress knocks me out sometimes and it’s not like just being stressed, no. Sometimes I start crying. I’m having an overload, a so-called meltdown (which is also something I’d like to write about in an other post) which means I am crying for hours and having a mental and emotional break down. All the emotions I actually felt for a quite long time and which I’ve held back because I know that in these situations these emotions would make them worse... all these emotions, sometimes including emotions I think I didn’t even know that they exist, are coming out. It’s like me being a huge frozen mointain, completely made of ice, the emotions which come out because of the stress are getting hot and making my frozen shell melt and break down... I am literally a frozen vulcano who explodes with all its emotions. Now tell me: do you think I could work in a stressy job for eight or more hours a day without having these break downs?

 To the question why it is a disorder: No person has got the right to decide what’s normal and what’s not. But comparing my issues and my behavior in certain situations because of my condition to the behavior of other people without this condition, it is definitely a disorder. When it comes to the situations I am disable to handle ... it is like me being a television which loses its signal right within a good television show. I have literally no signal in these moments. I am having a disruption. Do you say your television is not having a disruption then? ‘It is not having a disruption, it is just special.’ God damn, that sounds kinda discrimanting, doesn’t it?

 I am disabled. I’m having a disorder. But that doesn’t make me to a bad person and less valuable than anyone else. You know, I can learn, how to communicate. I can learn, what to do in stressy situations. I can learn to read expressions, learn and study different expressions or the sound of voices in different emotions. I can learn this all.

Disability is a medical fact for me. It describes or is a ‘name’ for the issues we have. I will always be disabled like – even tho this is an extreme example, don’t blame me for that, please – a person who’s sitting in the wheel chair because he or she lost his or her leg in an accident, in a war, anything like that. BUT as this person can learn to walk with a prothesis so they won’t be stopped at all, so I can and will learn to communicate and manage my life and find my place in this world. I will always be disabled but I’ll never be impaired. I don’t wanna be changed or even pitied, I want to be accepted and luckily there are people who accept and also love me the exact way I am.

 I really want to mention again: please, don’t blame or hate me for comparing me with a person who lost a leg and has to sit in the wheel chair... I know this life is worse and it is horrible and not really comparable with my disorder. But I just want to make a point.

Autism is an other way of to be and even tho there are so many different autistic people everyone of ‘us’ is different and when you know one autistic person then you know exactly one. Only one. Meet more of us and you’ll know who we really are.

 I hope you took the time to read it all and that I could explain at least a little to you what the Asperger-Syndrome is. There are some informations in the internet and in some books, medical facts and experiences as well as personal ones, blogs like this or even youtube channels. Feel free to check them all out but please educate yourself correctly and stop putting us all in a box.

 Thanks for reading. Good bye!