Hours. Days. Weeks. Maybe a month or two had passed by. He wasn't himself anymore. His heart had been too burdened. His mind escaped. To somewhere lonely. Somewhere where they couldn't see each other. She tried. She tried a thousand times to reach him. Only to be brutally pushed away.
In his distanced haze, he muttered one night, "Maybe it's better if I'm not in your life. I'll drag you down with me, I can't give you everything that you deserve."
His voice wasn't shaky, nor afraid. It was solemn. He was convinced this is the only way forward. It was the conviction in his voice, the decisiveness that instantly broke her.
She was in tears before she could fully process his words. Her subconscious mind had already imagined the possibility of a future without him. Empty, dull and lifeless.
She could already feel the panic, her rising heartbeat and the stiffness in her chest. She took a deep breath, yet failing to hold back her sobs.
"Do you still not understand? Even the idea of you not being around scares me,"
"It's fucking suffocating me. Imagining a life without you gives me this, t-this choking feeling,"
"And you dare say it'll be better?" she whispers, her voice breaking in disbelief.
Her faint voice compels him to look up. To see her. To realise the weight of the damage he's been causing her. All this time he believed he was punishing himself for not being enough.
No. I'm hurting her. I punished her for loving me. I'm breaking the one person who tried to heal me.
This epiphany tore down each wall he'd hid himself behind. He was unsure how to walk out of the fallen debris now. His mind scampered around for words, words to salvage the broken pieces of their hearts. Her voice broke through his mess once again.
"Listen, you are enough for me. Your presence is all I ask of you. Anything more that you give me - it's a gift. But having you around is my need. It's my breath. Please. Please don't take it away from me."
Her knees gave out and she was on the floor. Folded into herself, she couldn't bring herself to look into his eyes. Afraid he won't understand. But she spoke with such desperation and faith that he'll listen. That he won't make her suffer anymore.
He held her faith true. He slowly fell to his knees beside her, arms tentatively encasing her shrunken frame.
"I'm sorry. I'm so so so sorry baby," his embrace tightened around her.
"I drowned so much that I couldn't even see you trying to pull me up. But now I do. I'll never run away, I promise. I'll do better for you. I'll be better for you. I love you. I love you. I'm not going anywhere."
Her hands grabbed his shirt and she coiled herself into his chest. They both cried that entire night, letting all the fears slip away. Later they fell asleep on the floor in each other's arms, cocooned safely by their choice to stay for each other.
• category - musings / thoughts / fiction
• genre - hurt/comfort ; angst
